I roll over in my bed and puke my guts out into the trash can that someone put beside it.
"Ughhhh." I groan, fighting to pull my hair back out of my face. "I've been hit by a truck!" I cough and spit the sour bile out of my mouth.
I flop back over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. The fan swirls round and round and-
Another wave of vomit rushes up my throat and I barely clear the side of my bed this time.
"Tell Shelia I'm coming!" I groan into the trash can, another bout of bile gurgling from me. "I want the pink lined casket!" I call out into the dark room. "She'll know the one."
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and lay back in my bed.
"You're literally the most dramatic person I've ever known." Ella's voice comes from my doorway.
She flips on the light and I scream. "You heathen!" I rush to cover my face. "I'm blinded." Then I laugh a little, and start singing. "Blinded by the lights! Wrapped up like a douche-."
"You know those aren't the lyrics." Ella sighs, her weight pressing into the mattress beside me.
"I like mine better." I say into my blankets. "It gives it more ambiance."
"That's not the word you're looking for."
I pull the blankets down and glare at her. "Did you come in here to critique me?"
She wipes her tired eyes and yawns. "No." She tells me. "I came because you were hit by a bus."
"A truck." I remind her. "A big one though."
"Yes." She smiles a little. "Obviously a big one." She reaches over and pats my hand. "Water?"
"What's that?" I squeeze my eyes shut and grin hard.
"Gabby!" Ella calls out towards the door. "The princess needs water!"
I roll my eyes. "How many times do we have to have this discussion?" I swat her hand. "I don't want to be a princess because-"
"Because princesses have no real power." She cuts me off. "They were used by their fathers to gain alliances and more control."
"You're learning." I nod. "I'm a queen."
The words are hardly out before I'm jerking to the side to throw up again.
"Yeah." Gabby says, coming into the room and sitting beside me while Ella holds back my hair. "You're really giving off the royalty vibe right now."
"It's giving..." I spit.
"Let's worry about that later." Ella pats my back before my brain can come up with anything else to say so I nod.
"I'll sleep on it." I hiccup, laying back down.
"You already ditched that Brian guy?" Gabby asks me, passing me the glass of water to sip on.
"Who?" I say, swallowing.
Gabby and Ella glance at each other. "Wasn't that his name?"
I look at them both, brows furrowed in confusion and then it clicks. "Oh." I slap my forehead and instantly regret it because I'm now beginning to notice the headache. "I ditched him at the bar."
Now they're the ones looking confused. "Then who were you with?" Ella asks, no longer looking sleepy.
"Uh." I rub my temples. "No one. I came home at some point. I went to YONDER alone and hung out there for a bit and then...then I think I ubered."
"I'm confused." Gabby says, turning to cross her legs up on my bed next to me.
"You're confused?" I smile. "I'm confused. We are all confused."
"Hayden," Ella draws my attention. "If you didn't leave with Brian then who were you texting us about?"
"Huh?" My brows knit back together.
"Hayden." Gabby chides but I shake my head at her.
"No," I say. "I'm not joking, I don't know what you're talking about."
Ella sighs and gets off of the bed and leaves the room for a second before coming back with her phone.
"You said," she tells me, unlocking her phone and turning the screen to me. "I seriously like him so much but I'm not allowed to." She says and I read it, right there on her phone, a text from me at 1 am.
"And you sent me one saying 'I finally like someone and I can't have it.'" Gabby adds and my blood runs from my face. "If you weren't with someone, then explain those messages and where you were."
"No way you went to YONDER alone and came home." Ella agrees. "I didn't check on you when we got back because I figured you were a little occupied in here with Brian or this mystery guy."
"Spill tea, Hayden." Gabby yawns. "It's four in the morning."
I look quickly between the two of them. "I didn't..." I try to say, but my blood is running cold through my veins. "My phone." I say, throwing the covers back. "Where the fuck is my phone?" I'm panicking, looking everywhere for it.
"I'll call it." Ella says, taking her phone back from me.
We all still, listening for the quiet vibrations.
"Got it." Gabby says, sliding off of the bed and reaching under it. She puts the phone on my bed and I grab at it like a crazy person. "What's going on?" Gabby asks, sitting next to me again.
"No, no, no." I'm saying as I open my messages.
Right on top, the last two messages they said I sent. There they are, in all of their drunken glory.
Directly below the two of their names, is Ben's.
My fingers are shaking as I click on the messages, scrolling back to the top from when I got to YONDER.
Hayden: I'm talking to you
Ben: well, now I feel like I should change my answer lol
Hayden: you wouldn't
Ben: says who?
Hayden: you got a raise, that's obviously the better good thing
Ben: not for you to decide what I'm more happy about, is it?
Hayden: why would you be happy to talk to me?
Ben: why wouldn't I be
Hayden: I don't like you, you confuse me
Ben: I can agree on half of that statement
Hayden: there you go again 🥴
Ben: 😂 why does it bother you
Hayden: it just does
Ben: are you still hiding?
Hayden: I think the coast is clear for now
Ben: where are you?
Hayden: a pub, I'll go home soon. Just couldn't be in that bar anymore, so I came here.
Ben: you're not alone, are you?
Hayden: sort of 🙃
Ben: that's not a sorta thing. It's a yes or no thing
Hayden: are any of us ever truly alone?
Ben: sometimes I feel like I am
Hayden: me too
Ben: why did you not want to be there anymore?
Hayden: that bar? Bc my friends are all having a good time and I know they want me to be doing that too but I can't just act like I'm fine and everything is the same as it used to be.
Ben: I get that. More than I want to, I do. It's been like that for me too. It's like I woke up one day and my whole world was different. I miss parts of it, but I can't make myself enjoy certain things anymore. I'm altered.
Hayden: that's exactly it!! That's how I feel. Altered. I don't feel like I fit anymore. I can go through the motions, but I don't get anything out of any of it anymore. I left here as one person...and I came back someone else.
Ben: I'm sorry hayden
Hayden: it's not your fault and I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I don't know how to feel about it is the thing I think.
Hayden: I think I'm sad
Ben: I don't want you to be sad. Why are you sad?
Hayden: I think I'm sad bc I miss the me I was there. Idk if that makes sense.
Ben: I don't know what to say. That's the only you that I know.
Hayden: you wouldn't like the other me
Ben: I don't think there is any version of you I wouldn't like. You're a special person. I could tell.
Hayden: what if I'm not? What if I'm kind of screwed up? I don't I don't know what I was going to say
Ben: we are all a little screwed up in some way or another
Hayden: this is annoying
Ben: what is?
Hayden: that even in text you are the easiest person to talk to
Ben: I think that is a compliment?
Hayden: an annoying one
Ben: I guess I'll take that 😂 you can always talk to me hayden. Doesn't have to be about Elizabeth. I'm your friend. You're family. We can talk about anything.
Hayden: not anything....
Ben: what's that mean?
Hayden: idk
Ben: don't do that
Hayden: I have to
Ben: why
Hayden: bc we are friends and family
Ben: I'm confused
Hayden: I don't know what I'm taking about
Ben: you're an interesting drunk 😂😂
Hayden: I'll regret it all in the morning
Ben: are you at least having fun?
Hayden: I wasn't, but I am now
Ben: good 😌 you deserve that
Hayden: I'm still sad tho
Ben: why's that?
Hayden: because I miss you and Elizabeth
Ben: we miss you too, hayden. Truly.
Ben: come back and visit anytime
Ben: did you go back to the bar?
Ben: if I don't respond I fell asleep
Ben: up again with Elizabeth. She says Hi.
Ben: I guess you got back out there. Let me know you make it home safe. Doesn't matter what time. Just let me know.
Hayden: I'm home!
My phone shakes in my hands.
"Hayden..." Ella speaks first, sliding the phone out of my hand and setting it aside. "Why didn't you...why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling ok?"
"You know we are here for you." Gabby whispers, patting my knee. "Puke and all."
I shake my head slowly as a tear slips out. "I know you guys are." I say after a minute. "I don't know how to talk about this stuff."
"It's us." Ella frowns. "You can talk to us about anything, anytime, no matter what." She scoots in closer to me. "You have no reason to be feeling sad, or..." she flinches a little. "Altered and not talk to us about it. We are your family."
I jerk my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. "Yeah." I say. "Family," I repeat her, seeing the text from Ben in my head. He said we are friends and family. "That's exactly what he is now too!"
"Wait." Gabby leans back to look at my face. "Hayden, is that what this is all about? It's about Ben?"
"You have feelings for Ben?" Ella asks quietly. "Like real ones?"
"I don't know!" I shout, refusing to meet their eyes because I don't want to see what they're hiding behind them. "I don't know! I didn't get a chance to know and I'll never get the chance to know but I know I felt something! I felt something and I knew it was wrong and so I left! I left and I came home and I've been avoiding him and trying to forget it all, but nothing is working. It's so fucking unfair!"
"Hayden," Ella tries to hug me but I lean out of it.
"No." I shake my head, ignoring the pounding in my temples. "I don't get to have feelings for him. I'm not allowed to! Because Alice ruined it!" I still when the words are out of my mouth. "I didn't...I didn't mean that." I finally look at them and it breaks me.
I start crying again.
"I can't believe you didn't tell us this." Ella says, hugging me whether I want it or not. But I do. I lean into her, breathing her in. Her hugs used to feel like the safest place in the whole world because she has always been there for me to collapse into.
Through my parent's deaths, through every single bad thing afterwards, she's been here.
"I didn't want to talk about it." I say to them both. "I figured if I stopped thinking it, if I kept from saying any of it out loud, that I could keep it from being real. I thought I could keep myself from admitting that I'm so fucking mad at her." Now that it's out, it just keeps coming. My word vomit. "She had everything! Every fucking thing! She had Ben and she had Alice and she threw it all away and didn't even care! I had to clean up her mess again! And she ruined it! Because I do like him. I do think I like him more than a friend, certainly more than family should, and it's all her fault that I can't..."
"You don't feel like you can explore those feelings because of her." Ella says gently, her voice barely a whisper though I've been yelling so hard my throat is raw.
I wipe at my tears and Gabby kisses the side of my head. "It doesn't have to be that big of a deal." Gabby says. "You can still-."
"No I can't." I cut her off. "He's been with my sister. He had a baby with my sister. His child is my own blood. All that time I looked for him, and she found him first, she ruined my life for so long and she just had to take this from me too."
"It's not like he's related to you in any way that counts though." Ella tells me. "He's not blood, he's not married to her or even in a relationship with her. You could still, if you wanted to, try to-."
"No." I say again, frustrated. "You don't get it. Neither of you can understand what it's like for me here. You can't actually fathom what it feels like to be so close to something but never be able to actually have it. It would be too weird. It would be wrong. I have to think about Elizabeth...and I have to think about Alice."
"You do not owe Alice." Ella says firmly. "She made her choices."
I squeeze my eyes shut. "It doesn't matter if you think I do or not. She's my sister. She's my twin. I have not known one day alive where she isn't on this earth with me. I fucking hate her so much, but she's my sister. I still love my sister. I still love Alice. She didn't try to be like this. I want to blame her for everything but I can't."
"I'm so sorry, Hayden." Ella says in defeat. "I don't know what else to say here. I see where you're coming from...I see both sides. I know you still love Alice. Hell, I still love Alice too. I'm mad as hell at her for how she's hurt you, but if we could get the old Alice back right now, I'd hug her too."
I know she's telling the truth.
Ella is just like that. She's the lover between the three of us. She's the healer, the mom of our group, the responsible one, the first one to offer anyone help.
I know she truly does still care about Alice, even after everything.
I don't even know where she is.
I said I've never walked this earth without her, but for all I know, I'm doing it right now. I think that's what guts me the most.
I have other feelings going on inside of me, but the most uncomfortable one, the one that's the hardest to hide from, is my love for her.
I think about what Ella said.
I imagine Alice walking in here right now sober and on her meds and happy.
I'd give anything to be able to see that again.
"I'd probably give her at least one good punch if we are being honest here." Gabby says and Ella snickers. "No one hurts you and gets off with nothing."
I lean my head to her shoulder.
My protector. The fiercest woman I've ever met. To know Gabby is to know what real strength and power looks like. She's had my back since the day we met.
"I'm...I'm sorry I didn't talk to you both sooner." I say quietly, letting the tears dry on my cheeks.
"Don't be sorry." Ella says.
Gabby gives me a little shake. "Just don't go through storms on your own." She says. "You don't have to tackle anything on your own, not even your own thoughts."
"I fucking love you both so much."
The three of us hug and then Ella smiles. "Is it a sleepover kind of night?" She asks, but I shake my head.
"I think I just want to be alone tonight." I tell them. "I'm ok, I promise. I just need some sleep." They both look a little disappointed. "And I can't do that if you're both snoring in my ears like lawn mowers."
The joke gets a smile onto both of their faces again and they leave me alone to go back to their own rooms, flipping the light back out on their way.
People say talking about things and getting them off of your chest makes you feel better...but I don't guess that part has gotten to me yet.
Maybe because there isn't anything to feel better about.
This is just life and this is the way things are, and I've got things I need to get over if I'm going to move forward.
I roll over in my bed and tug my blankets close to me.
The whole Ben situation doesn't even matter.
He's the one who said it himself.
He's my friend and my family.
I can learn to let go of anything else.