ANDORRA WOKE to a rather nasty headache. She rubbed it, winced, then looked around the room. She was shocked to find herself in her own bedroom, sprawled out and tangled in her own sheets. Not in the dungeon, where she was a little bit afraid she was going to end up.
When she sat up, her eyes landed on the boy by the window. "Anders!" She said with a panicked rush. Her brain tried to piece together just what had actually happened. Drugged. He drugged me. She gripped the blankets and pulled them closer to her chest. "What are you doing here?"
He gave her a steady smile. "You took a spill in the dining room last night. I was just checking to make sure you were feeling alright."
She hadn't expected him to tell the truth, but the lie did sting. Was he testing her? Trying to coax out her anger? Andorra tightened her grip on the blanket. "I'm not decent. Can we continue this conversation once I've gotten dressed?"
"I was just very worried is all."
Then, with a sudden rush, Andorra realized she had him where she wanted him: in the bedroom. No one would know. No one would be able to watch it happen, or suspect it. Not with him there, in her confined space.
"As would I, if this happened to you." Before she could get anything else out of her mouth, there was a knock on the door, and it swung open without an invitation to enter. There, on the doorstep, was a member of the Royal Guard. Not someone Andorra knew, but the crest on his uniform told her enough.
"Prince and Princess." He bowed low at the waist. "I am here to fetch you both for breakfast."
Andorra opened her mouth to decline, but Anders answered first. "Wonderful. We'll both be there, as soon as the Princess changes from her sleeping gown."
The Royal Guard nodded and stepped away from the door, closing it. Andorra's heart thumped painfully in her chest as she knew what she had to do. She looked Anders in the eyes and pulled forth power that rested in her gut. She let it gather for a moment, just looking at her enemy.
Now. Do it now. She tried to pull more power, feeling it burn, trying to remember how much she had needed to control Callum. It had been a lot, not a little bit of power used on a hunch. And the moment she tried to control him, he would know. And he would immediately fight back.
It had to work the first time. Not the third, or the fourth. The first.
She felt the tips of her fingers tingle with power. "Anders-"
"I'll be waiting outside of the door," He said, interrupting her, and then he swept from the room in one fluid movement. It was so sudden, Andorra felt her mouth drop in shock and surprise. Had he felt her? Had he known what she was about to do?
The power in her fingertips died down as she sat there, still stunned.
Feeling anxious over the fact that perhaps he had known, Andorra pulled off her sleeping gown and tried to find something to wear. She didn't have anything to borrow, and the dress she wore before being drugged was mysteriously missing.
She had two choices: her school uniform, or the sleeping gown.
She pulled back on the sleeping gown, grumbling to herself about finding a new wardrobe, and then she pulled open the door with more force than necessary.
"I thought you were changing?" Anders said, leaning against the wall. The Royal Guard member stood a step or two below him, also waiting. His eyes were lowered to the ground, refusing to make eye contact.
"I forgot. I have no clothes. I'll need a seamstress, I think." She tried to sound light and airy, hoping and praying that Anders had no clue what she had been about to do. "Is there one here in the castle? Or maybe in town?"
Anders began moving down the stairs, not waiting for her. The Guard though let her pass, following her down the stairs, protecting her from behind. She didn't quite feel protected though. She felt watched. She felt isolated. She felt in danger.
Anders wanted her dead. The Royal Counsel wanted her locked up. She couldn't forget those two unchangeable facts. No matter how comfortable she got in the castle, this was her jail cell. A beautiful cell, but a cell nonetheless.
Anders strode down the hallway faster than the occasion warranted. Andorra felt like he was running from her, making her anxiety rear its head yet again: does he know what I was about to do? Had she messed everything up already?
In the dining room, Anders had not bothered to pull out her chair this time. He dropped into the same seat from yesterday, watching her with narrowed eyes. Andorra sat herself, feeling her throat constrict in fear, because she couldn't forget what happened the last time she sat in this chair. Would she be forced to eat poisoned food again? Would she be drugged yet again?
"How are you feeling?" Anders asked again, probing. Andorra touched the back of her unconsciously, feeling the bump there, wincing at the pain that flared.
"I'm okay. My head is a little tender. I didn't mean to frighten you yesterday. I can't believe I fainted." The words felt stiff in her mouth, and she tried to shake it off. She had to make this believable, but just how far did she have to go? How many lies did she need to tell?
"It was an eventful day for you yesterday." Anders continued to watch her, even as a maid brought over a plate of food. Andorra's stomach rolled at the sight of the eggs on the plate, and she felt nausea make its way up her throat.
A different maid today, but she didn't want to take chances. "You know, I'm actually feeling a little sick-"
"Eat, Andorra." Anders held her stare, his cold and hard. Frightening. The stare of a murderer. She looked at the maid, her eyes begging for help. Please, she wanted to plead. Tell me this isn't poisoned. Tell me this is safe to eat.
The maid didn't even look at her.
"I'm really not feeling well. Maybe I got a concussion yesterday. I don't want to eat right now. Maybe we can get together for lunch." She couldn't keep the fear from her voice. Suddenly, she was a child again with her aunt, pouring the lemonade out. She was back in the human realm, being forced to swallow the poison, her aunt and Paulisn watching with delight.
She could feel an anxiety attack working its way up her throat. How many times would she be drugged like this? Her heart began to beat faster and faster, her forehead suddenly damp with panic.
"Eat the food." Anders' voice was cold.
"No." Andorra stood from the table, the urge to breath in fresh air stuck in her mind. She needed fresh air, now. She needed to escape that room and run far, far away.
Anders snapped his fingers. A single sound, and there was sudden movement behind her. Hands gripped her arms, forcing her back into the chair. Another guard, someone different, was moving a fork towards her mouth.
Andorra let out a shriek. She tried to push away from the table, her legs scrambling against the carpet, trying to push away. Her terrified, wide eyes met Anders', and she felt the thick fear crammed against her sternum.
"Please, Anders. Don't do this!" She pressed her head against the back of the chair, turning her face away from the fork until a guard gripped her chin, pressing his fingers against her cheek just right until her mouth popped open.
"They made this delicious food for you, yet you're denying them? It's rude not to eat, Princess." Anders gave her a sweet smile, a lovers smile, and it made Andorra thrash against the guards as they pushed the food into her mouth.
She spit it all out as soon as the fork disappeared from her mouth.
"Now now, don't be trouble. What happened to our wedding? How can I marry a girl who is so rude?"
Andorra felt the first tear race down her cheek. She felt like she had at the dance. Useless, weak, a little girl in need of someone to save her.
She didn't want to be that person anymore. She wasn't that person.
"Let me go!" She screamed, power erupting in her words. As soon as she said it, the guards released her, all of them moving to the ground in a kneel. "Never touch me again," she demanded as she stood from the chair, pushing away from the table. She looked at all of them, so many standing just out of her sight, and she backed away like a terrified animal.
She looked at Anders who stood from the table as well, his mouth open in shock. Maybe surprise. Andorra didn't find that she cared to know the difference. She threw up her hand at him. "Don't come near me."
He didn't. She wasn't sure if it was because she was controlling him, or if it was because he was doing the smart thing and leaving her alone.
"Princess-" he started, but Andorra turned to run from the room. She ran down the hallway, her throat so constricted she felt as though she couldn't breathe. She clawed at the neckline of her dress, trying to push air down into her lungs. She rounded a corner, shoved open a door, and spilled into the open morning air.
She fell to her knees, tears spilling from her eyes, and she sucked in a breath. Then another. Over and over again, but none of them filled her chest the way she needed them to. She felt like she was drowning on land.
Her fingers dug into the dirt. She squeezed her eyes shut, telling herself someone was watching her. Perhaps multiple people. She needed to control herself and her emotions, but her anxiety attack was overruling every thought.
Am I dying? She wondered. Is this a heart attack? Her chest did indeed hurt, and she felt sick dread coat her body.
"I wish you were here," she whispered to the air around her. If Callum were here, this wouldn't have happened. If Nohx were here, this definitely wouldn't have happened. She wanted her friends, and she wanted them so badly it hurt.
She wasn't sure how long she was there, trying to breathe normally. She wasn't sure how long it took for her tears to dry, for her throat to unwind, for the breathing to become easier. When it finally did, and the sun was high in the sky, directly overhead. She stood and leaned against the door.
So, Anders knew she could control people. And if Anders and the guards knew, so did the Royal Counsel.
Could she do nothing right? She hated herself for it. But you were in crisis mode, she told herself. They were going to poison you. Of course you commanded them to leave you alone.
She had to spin this. Do damage control. You didn't know about it. You didn't realize you could do it. You were so afraid, you just screamed and they listened. She had to act dumb. She was nothing but stupid and docile and naive.
She closed her eyes. Shook out her limbs. She had to go back in there and pretend nothing was wrong.
When she opened the door, she was surprised to find Anders on the other side, leaning against the wall, waiting for her. His face was drawn and serious, and Andorra had the sudden thought to let go of the door and let it slam shut between them.
"Anders?" She asked instead. Forced confusion into her voice. Her face was that of betrayed trust. "Why did you do that to me? I trusted you, and you did that to me!"
Anders looked guilty for a passing moment. "I apologize."
She shook her head. "For what gain? Why would you force them to feed me when I felt sick?" Her hand ghosted over her stomach. "I don't understand."
"I had a theory I had to test."
"A theory?" Andorra stepped into the hallway, letting the door close behind her. She was trapping herself with a monster, but she had to. She forced her chin up as she met his eyes. "What theory would you be solving by forcing me to eat?"
"Why are you talking to me?" Anders demanded, his voice turning hard in a blink of an eye. "Why are you keeping this up?"
Andorra gathered her hands to her chest, her back meeting the closed door. "What do you mean? We're going to be married. Of course I'm going to talk to you."
"The old Andorra would have gotten back at me already. I know they haven't stolen your memory, so tell me the truth: why are you pretending to not know me?"
Andorra made her eyes go wide. She made her mouth drop open into an o. "I do know you. When have I pretended to not know you?"
"Right now!" he exploded. "We don't get along, yet you're acting like this lovesick goon."
Andorra shook her head. "You're confusing me, Anders. You're my fiance. I want us to get along. I... I want to fall in love. Don't you?"
Andorra thought back to all those months ago when she had seen Anders for the first time in the truth pond. Even then, he had looked popular, cruel, a real Prince. He had been handsome, but he had been evil from the start. Back then, knowing she was marrying a Prince, she had entertained the thought of falling in love with him.
But now? She couldn't stomach the thought.
"No. No I don't. And neither do you." Anders got into her space, stepping too close to her, towering over her. "Drop the act."
She looked up at him, her heart thudding in her chest in fear. He was right, though. The real Andorra wouldn't have put up with this. The real Andorra would have already shoved him back.
She wasn't the real Andorra. Pretend. You're dumb, naive, stupid, dense. You're nothing more than a pretty face with no real thoughts. She put her hand on his arm tentatively. She blinked up at him and forced herself to relax.
"I want us to get along. What can I do to fix this? To please you?"
Anders' face changed suddenly. He gripped her chin, just like the guard had done, and the sudden fear that he was going to poison her again filled her mind. Please no, she thought as he inched closer, the hatred in his eyes so clear. He didn't care to hide it from her.
"You want to please me?" he demanded. "You want to fix this?"
She nodded, not sure where this was about to go. Would he force her to her knees and beg? Would he kill her himself? Would he make her perform like a puppet?
Instead, he kissed her.
At first, Andorra tried to rear back, tried to escape, but there was no space to run. Anders had her pressed against the door, his body caging her in, his hand hard on her chin.
You need to pretend, she told herself. But even this was taking it too far. But, not kissing him, fighting back, was what he expected. What he wanted her to do. He was calling her bluff, and if she showed her cards, then this would have been for nothing.
The Royal Counsel expected her to marry Anders. Expected her to be his Queen. Kissing him was something she could actually do to play into that pretend role.
So, she shut her eyes, and she kissed him back.
At first, she tried to pretend she was anywhere but there, tried to imagine she wasn't kissing at all, but then she realized it would be way more effective if she just pretended she was kissing someone else.
She pretended it was Nohx. She couldn't help that her mind went there first. She let her hands coast up his arms, pretending they were not the lanky arms of Anders, but rather the strong arms that belonged to the winter fae she couldn't get out of her head.
She drew her hands up to his neck, then into his hair. The strands between her fingers felt wrong; they were textured, almost like blades of grass against her fingers, not the silky smooth of Nohx's dark strands. Still, she pretended.
She imagined it was Nohx pulling her closer, wrapping an arm around her waist. She pictured how he would back off for a moment, letting them both suck in a frenzied gasp, and then he would kiss his way to her ear. His cold kisses would make her shiver, and he would chuckle in her ear and say, "Are you cold Andorra?" She would shake her head no, and he would chuckle again, raspy against her ear.
His cold hands would sneak under her shirt, against the bare skin of her back, and he would marvel at her warmth. Would nuzzle his head in her neck, breathing her in. "You're my little-"
"Prince Anders? I have- oh! Pardon my interruption!"
Anders stepped back, his breathing a little ragged, and he blinked at Andorra. She blinked back, remembering that it hadn't been Nohx kissing her at all, but rather Anders. She was slow to remove her hands from his hair, her cheeks burning in embarrassment, but she hoped it came across as a blush of passion instead.
Anders gave her one last lingering look before he turned towards the Royal Counsel member. "Yes?" he said, sounding impatient.
"I have word from some of the courts. I think you may want to hear their responses about the current plan. Not all are positive."
Anders let out a grumble under his breath. He didn't even offer Andorra a parting look as he followed the Royal Counsel member, leaving Andorra leaning against the door, feeling disheveled for reasons that weren't for Anders at all.
She touched her fingers to her lips, wishing that they felt cold. Wishing that she wasn't standing there alone. Wishing that a certain snow fae was there to keep her company.
Had that been enough to convince Anders she wasn't herself? Had that been enough to prove she wasn't faking it?
She had no way of knowing. The only thing that it had accomplished was making her feel a certain emptiness that she feared would never go away. Not unless she was back in a cabin, tucked into the base of the Northern Mountains, hidden in Icewood.