It has been 426 days since I have attempted suicide.
I scribble it down in my journal before flipping it closed and leaving it on my bedside table when I hear the toaster popping with my golden toast in the kitchen. Abandoning my little bedroom, I hurry down the hallway of the apartment and go into the kitchen to get my toast from the toaster to butter it before I pour a cup of coffee that has already been made by somebody else and then I join the tan Italian boy at the small round kitchen table with my buttered toast and hot coffee that I assume he made.
"Non posso parlare italiano," I say with a stubborn frown. If I'm correct, that's Italian for 'I can't speak Italian' but I'm not completely sure because, as I just think that I said, I can't speak Italian. I've been trying to learn but it's difficult.
"L'hai appena fatto," He says with a pearly white grin, looking up from the book that he's reading. He has a small white coffee cup in front of him too.
"I have no idea what you just said," I tell him with a long sigh. "I'm telling you, I'm a lost cause."
"You're doing very well," He assures me in English this time but his Italian accent is still pretty thick. Marco speaks English because he had spent his high school years at a boarding school in Portland so his English is really good and he's been helping me a lot with learning my Italian. We've been here in Italy for a while now though, so I'm learning a lot but there's still so much that I don't know. I guess that makes since, you obviously can't just learn a language in a few weeks or months, it takes time. I guess I'm just not so patient. "And good morning to you too."
"Buongiorno," I say with a grin because I actually know how to say 'good morning' and that makes me feel a little bit better. "Avete dormito bene?" Which translates to 'did you sleep well?' and that's one of the first phrases that I learned, so I've got it down solid.
"Bene," He begins, which means 'good' so I listen carefully so that I can understand what he's about to say next. "Ho sognato le stelle."
I think for a minute and decide that what he said was 'I dreamed about the stars' which makes sense because Marco is just such the romantic. Leaning forward on the table, I put my elbow on the hard wood and rest my chin in my palm. "Oh, you Italians and you're poetry. You're melting my heart here."
And then there's another one of his bright grins. Marco is incredibly handsome in the male model type of way. Incredibly tan and muscular with a grin that could seize wars right on the spot and create world peace. Right now, early in the morning and in the kitchen drinking coffee, he's very comfortable in our apartment and that is why he doesn't have a shirt on, so I can clearly see his well-sculpted tan abs and they're impressive to say the least. He's a gorgeous specimen, really. The dangerous thing is that he knows it and he abuses the power to the furthest extent of the law.
"Hitting on my boyfriend again?" I hear Renée's tired voice as she emerges from the hallway, probably just waking up and smelling the coffee from her room.
"I would argue that it was the other way around," I say jokingly because I know that Renée was also joking. I'd never actually hit on Marco because he's really not my type and he's dating my best friend so that'd just be terrible of me. He is one of my best friends here though so we joke around a lot.
"Well, I'll just get out of your way then, I just came for the coffee," Renée tells us as she walks over to the table, only wearing a large t-shirt and boxers. She pecks Marco on the lips before going over to the kitchen counter and pouring herself a cup of the coffee.
"Come sit, cara," Marco suggests, kicking a chair out for her with his right foot.
"I can't right now," She says apologetically before running her fingers through her shoulder-length blonde hair. "I have to take a shower before we go out today, my hair feels kind of gross."
"Where are we going?" He asks her curiously.
"Well, I don't know where you're going but we as in the girls, are going to lunch and then shopping. You can come with us if you want to carry all of our bags," She suggests with a toothy grin, patting her boyfriend on his bare shoulder as she passes by him to go back to her room.
"I think I'll just find something else to do," He tells her after a sip of his coffee.
"Thought so," She giggles before disappearing again down the hallway. "Arrivederci!"
"I know what that meant," I tell him in a gloating manner, crossing my bare legs under the table. Well, they weren't bare but I was wearing a pair of jean cutoffs and they were pretty short so my legs were pretty much bare. From spending the first part of the summer in Spain, I got a really impressive tan though, so I can't say that I'm complaining. "Lo sono intelligente." Which means 'I'm smart' even though I'm sure that he knows that I'm just joking because even people who don't speak much Italian know that arrivederci means 'goodbye'.
"Ora che stai ricevendo arrogante," Marco tells me with a small laugh, stirring up his coffee. "Se parlo veramente veloce, non si capisce una parola che dico . Puzzi come un pesce prosciugato."
"Okay, I was just thinking that I got the hang of it but then you have to go and wreck my confidence," I accuse him with a pointed look because I have no idea what he just said to me and he said it all so fast that even if he was speaking words that I do know, I probably wouldn't have been able to catch even a syllable of any of it.
"Questo è quello che si ottiene per sempre troppo pieno di te. Non ho intenzione di smettere ora," He tells me with a 'You know that I'm just messing with you' type of grin and then a troublesome laugh. Again, I have no idea what he just said and he's speaking so quickly that even if I knew the words, I couldn't keep up with his fluent speed.
"Great. I've broken the Italian," I mutter just as there's a knock on the front door. I assume that it's Mia because sometimes, she leaves early in the morning to go for a walk or a jog around the block before any of us wake up. She thinks it's peaceful but sometimes, she forgets to take her key with her and gets locked out. "I'll be back and then I'll just punch you until you start talking so that I can understand you again."
"Mi piacerebbe vederti provare," He tells me with another taunting laugh and a white-toothed grin.
"Gah!" I yell at him as I get out of my little wooden chair. "English, Marco. English!"
He just keeps laughing as I hurry towards the front door and as I open it, I greet Mia with a wide grin. "Cia, bella! Benvenuti a casa!" And that means 'Hello, beautiful! Welcome home!' At least, I think that's what it means.
However, when I actually look to see who's on the other side of the door and I realize that it's not Mia, my heart plummets. My throat starts going drier than the Sahara Dessert on the Fourth of July and my palms are immediately sweaty. This boy that I haven't seen in almost a year, the boy that I've spent so much time trying to forget. Although it's practically impossible to forget a boy like Niles, I've tried my best. I haven't seen him since the grand ol' goodbye that night in the rain. I haven't called him since I got back home back in December.
So I'm sure that you can imagine my surprise when I see that boy standing in the hallway of my Italian apartment building, looking right at me. "Oh my God," I choke out under my breath, not really knowing how to respond to him being here. Never in a million years would I imagine Niles showing up here in Italy. I've spent this time away from him trying to accept the fact that I'd probably never speak to him again and it's been awful. Even now, I sometimes cry about him because I still miss him so much.
After a long moment of uncomfortable eye contact, I decide that I need to stop myself from looking completely stupid. "What are you doing here?" I finally sputter, my body completely still in the doorway of the apartment as he stands awkwardly in the hallway, almost looking scared to be standing in front of me.
I almost wanted to shut the door in his face and pretend like this didn't just happen, because he'd hurt me so much. I'm not still angry or holding the grudge, but I don't want to allow him into my life even for one second because losing him was so difficult and I didn't want to go through that again. But another part of me, the stupider and more naive part, missed him so much that seeing him standing in front of me right now lit a fire in the pit of my stomach that I hadn't felt in so long. I can't take my eyes off of him.
"Hi, Ana," Niles finally speaks. "I was hoping we could talk."
"Um. Okay," I say dumbly as my brain continues to malfunction as the two halves of my brain are arguing with each other. I want to keep my distance, but I also want to catch up, see how he's doing and why in the world he's knocking on my apartment door across the world from his home. Slowly and cautiously, I open the door further and step aside. "Come on in."
The living room area is small and it's a little space that we have to walk through to get to the kitchen so I lead him through the living room and then to the table where Marco is eyeing Niles curiously. "What are you doing here? How'd you know where I am?" I start asking him questions as they come to me, because I'm so confused as to what's going on right now. My phone number hasn't changed so surely if he wanted to talk, he could have just called?
I notice Niles eyeing Marco as well as they're both curious about each other and that kind of amuses me. As I'm asking Niles these questions, I stand near the table and take in his appearance. He doesn't look like he's changed much at all. His brown hair is still curly on top of his head, hovering a little bit over his forehead. His eyes are still so breathtakingly blue. His smile is still bright, although now it's a nervous smile, it's still beautiful. He's so beautiful. Looking at him makes me feel like no time has passed at all and yet it's been so many months.
"I'll explain, it's all kind of a long story," He tells me, looking away from Marco and then at me, probably gauging how much I have changed, like I just did with him. I've changed a lot more though, I think. My hair is shorter and now layered. I'm wearing makeup, which is something that I never did before except for that Halloween dance. I'd never worn shorts before either but now, I'm wearing jean cutoffs with a pastel floral blouse with a diamond cutout on the back.
After I left Bernard's, I had a lot more self-confidence. Enough confidence to be able to wear weather-appropriate clothing, even if it does show off my legs or my arms or my back. Some of my scars are visible but whenever I feel self-conscious about them, I remember what Niles had told me about how they aren't bad things. They are reminders of my strength. They are beautiful.
"Okay, have a seat, I'll get you some coffee, I guess," I tell him, motioning towards the table as I hurry to the counter and pour him a coffee mug full of the hot coffee and then I go over to the table myself and sit between Marco and Niles.
"Avete intenzione di presentarci?" Marco asks me, which means 'Are you going to introduce us?' with an expectant look on his face.
"Siate pazienti, sei un pipistrello," I say, telling him to be patient and then I call him a bat. He laughs but I just turn my attention to Niles because I'm just dying to know what he's doing here and how he got here and how he even found out that I was here. I'm so curious that I feel all of these questions buzzing through my mind. "This is Marco. And Marco, this is Niles," I introduce them, careful not to use words like 'my friend' because I don't want to put titles on anything. Mostly to just keep them both wondering because I can't help myself. "But just ignore him, I want to know everything."
"Okay," Niles clears his throat. "Well, I got your address from your brother."
"Penn gave you my address?" I wonder skeptically, holding my mug in both hands to keep my hands from shaking. I do restlessly start tapping my foot though, feeling incredibly nervous about what's about to happen. I still can't believe that Niles is here in Milan with me.
"No, it was the other one. Peter," He tells me. "I should back up though, because before I messaged Peter, I was using your home address. You gave it to me so I could help ship some of your books once you got back home, remember? So I spent months sending you letters because I thought it was more authentic than just sending a text. You weren't responding, but I just thought you didn't want to talk to me and I was about to give up when I got a call from Peter telling me that you weren't even at home and you didn't get any of the things I'd sent. I had to do my fair share of convincing him but he eventually told me that you were here. I hope that I'm not intruding on anything by just showing up here."
"Intrusione? Stavo per baciare la tua ragazza e rovinato," Marco says. I don't really understand everything that he says but I gather that he said something about kissing me and then he said 'you ruined it' so I'm assuming that it was something sarcastic and perverted.
I thump him on the head and then roll my eyes. "Shut up," I say before looking at Niles again. "He speaks English, he just likes being a cazzo." (It means dick)
"I think I should go be somewhere else," Marco suggests with another amused laugh just to tease me. I've only known the guy for three months but we still have an amazing relationship to where we can tease the crap out of each other and still be the best of friends.
"Good idea," I agree with him as he stands up from the table and waves goodbye to both of us before he walks down the hallway towards the bedrooms. He doesn't actually live here but he spends the night sometimes with Renée, like he did last night.
"He seems interesting," Niles tells me once Marco is gone. I have even more questions now than I did before Niles started talking. He was sending gifts home to my house, I wonder why nobody told me about them. I talk to my dad, Penn, and Peter on a frequent basis and nobody has ever brought them up. Peter didn't even tell me that he'd talked to Niles. And why has he been trying to contact me for the past few months when he seemed so determined to not be in my life?
"He's a really cool guy once you get used to him," I say dismissively. "Anyway, so Peter told you that I'm here but why do you care? And why were you trying to send me anything? The last time we spoke, you were pretty clear on the fact that you never wanted to speak to me again."
"Yeah I know, I just... I've really missed you. A lot," He starts to explain. "And the reason that I wanted to end our friendship was so that you could grow on your own without me holding you back. I don't know if that was the right decision or not, but I mean, look at you, Ana. You're living out your dream- the one that you thought was just a ridiculous pipe dream at one point."
"I'm not here because you didn't want to be my friend," I tell him quietly, glancing down at my coffee before looking up at him again. It almost hurt to look at him now, after everything that's happened and how he still made me feel. "But I don't want to dig all of that up right now. What are you doing here now?"
"The plan is to beg for your forgiveness first. The letters all explained things a lot better than I can in person, but I'm going to give it a shot," he tells me with a sort of desperation in his familiar blue eyes. I've missed those eyes so much and how they could always squeeze my truest truths out of me like a tube of toothpaste. "Ever since we stopped talking, I've felt like there was something seriously missing from my life and the second Peter told me where you were, I bought the plane ticket. I felt like if I want one more day without seeing you or hearing you, I would lose my mind. So, here I am. And I've missed you so much."
"I've already forgiven you, Niles," I assure him in a quiet voice. "It's a part of the healing process, you know? You were just trying to do what you thought was best in a really tough situation."
I watch as some tension falls from his shoulders and he starts to slouch a little bit more. "I thought I was being selfish by being around you and Sophie was getting in my head about how I could mess things up and I panicked. It was so stupid, Ana, I really am so sorry."
"Well, I forgive you," I say again. "Was that the only step in your plan?"
"I thought it would take more groveling," he admits to me with an awkward laugh. "I came prepared with a long list of things to do to be able to be your friend again, I didn't think it would be so easy."
"Just because I forgive you doesn't mean that I want to be your friend again," I tell him slowly, feeling slightly confused as to why he thought it would. I can forgive him for being stupid and hurting me, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to give him the ability to hurt me again. "I mean, I do want to, but feels kind of stupid when you've proven yourself to be a flight risk before."
His shoulders tense up again when he looks at me and says, "I'll prove to you that it won't happen again. I won't be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice."
My heart starts to ache when I realize that I have everything I've wanted for the past year, right in front of me. All of the dreams I had of seeing Niles again and here he is, wanting to be back in my life, to fill that spot he left vacant all those months ago. I wanted it so badly to be that easy, but how stupid would I have to be to give myself to him again?
"What if I relapse again?" I ask him with my head cocked to the side. This recovery really feels different to me and I truly don't think I will relapse again, but there's always going to be that possibility.
"I will stick myself to you like glue. I'll visit you every day, whether you go back east or to Alaska, I don't care. I'll be there," Niles assures me without hesitation. After hiding his face in his hands for a moment, he peeks out and adds, "I'm so fucking in love with you Ana."
I want to be stronger, to toss him to the curb for all that he's done to hurt me. But I've waited since last summer to hear those words leave his mouth and it feels so good. It's stupid to trust him again, I know that, but I can tell that I'm going to do it and it's not in my control anymore. I don't think it's been in my control since the first time I laid eyes on him in that court yard.
I don't realize that I'm crying until my vision starts to blur and I quickly wipe them away. "Clearly, since you were willing to face your fear of flying to come see me."
He gave me a nervous laugh and then says, "Yeah, that was terrifying, but I'd do it a million more times to be with you."
"How long are you staying?" I ask him without giving him the answer that I can sense he desperately needs from me.
"I have a hotel room for a week," he tells me. "But I warned my team that I might not be back for the rest of the summer, so I can stay longer. If you want. I know that might upset your boyfriend though."
"My boyfriend," I repeat with an amused laugh, knowing that he's probably talking about Marco. "Are you jealous, Niles?"
"Extremely," he agrees with me, his fists anxiously clenching on his lap. I know that I'm going to let him back into my life and I can't stop that from happening, but I'm going to make him sweat about it for as long as possible, just to get a little bit of revenge for the hell he's put me through.
"Marco is Renee's boyfriend, not mine," I inform him. "The closest I came to a relationship is making out with this guy in London in one of my Finding Myself phases, but that phase did not last very long at all. Turns out, there's only one person that I want to make out with."
"Not Marco," Niles says dumbly.
"Not Marco," I confirm.
"Oh," he mutters, looking down at the table, fumbling over his coffee mug. "Well now I've sufficiently made myself look like a complete idiot, that's awesome."
"It's fine," I say, reaching over the table to slowly drag the tips of my fingers along his arm. I take a long glance down at where his tattoo is still etched into his arm that I can now clearly see because he's only wearing a t-shirt, no leather jacket, and I remember how magnificent that tattoo is and how much I love looking at it. I actually now have my own tattoo, a thing I'd gotten in Spain, it's above my ankle and it's just a little thing. Nothing compared to the intricate tree etched into Niles' arm. "You are kind of an idiot. I still can't believe that you came all the way here."
I can feel his arm trembling a little bit under my delicate touch. Slowly, I moved my hand to his and let him wrap his long fingers around mine, turning my insides into jelly like they always did so easily. "I just couldn't take not being in your life anymore. And you look amazing. More alive than you used to, and you're so beautiful. I mean, you've always been beautiful, but just... wow."
"Thanks," I say with a small laugh. "I feel so much more... I don't know, alive. Empowered. Human." I squeeze his hand tighter in mine. "I feel human."
"I knew you could do it."
I let go from his hand and stand up from the table to clear away the dirty dishes from the table. "Don't think that this means you're totally forgiven. You are going be buying me a lot of gelato."
"That's fair," he quickly agrees, standing to follow me toward the kitchen sink. "I'll buy you as much gelato as you want."
"And if you're going to be my boyfriend, you'll have to carry all my bags when we go shopping, because that's what Marco does for Renee," I add in a warning tone as I rinse out the coffee cups.
"You want me to be your boyfriend, Ana?" he asks me in a breathy voice, still sounding nervous as if he's not prepared to hear the answer to his question.
"I'm in love with you too, Niles. I've tried really hard not to be, but it's just not up to me, I guess," I admit to him, finally putting him out of his misery to finally hear the words returned to him. I turn away from the sink to look at him and I start to melt into his gaze. "So yeah, if you want to be my boyfriend, then I'd like that too."
He puts one shaking hand on my jaw, caressing my face with his palm, and it lights something that I've never felt inside of me before. "I've never wanted anything more in my entire life," he mutters to me in a soft breath as his thumb gently passed across my cheek.
I watch his eyes flick over my lips, but he seems hesitant to make the move. Probably because he knew me as a very fragile person who could hardly be touched without freaking out. I've grown a lot since the last time we saw each other and there is a burning feeling in the bottom of my rib cage at the very thought of kissing Niles again. I want it so badly and know that I'll probably have to be the one to initiate. So, I do.
I grip his shoulders so that I don't fall over on my tippy toes and then I press my lips into his before I can talk myself out of it. Instantly, his hand is on the small of my back and he's kissing me back. His lips are soft and gentle but also firm and although I don't have much to go on, this is probably the best kiss that I've ever had.
Even after all that we've been through, I know that this isn't the end of our story. This isn't the end of my story. Whether our stories continue to go together or not, I don't know, but I do know that my story won't ever be over. I'm going to continue to live for a very long time and I'm actually excited about that where once, I had dreaded the idea of a long life. Of course, I'm going to find happiness in my life whether it be with or without Niles.
But I'm really hoping that Niles is right there by my side for the whole thing because I've never met somebody that understands me as much as he does. He understands me even better than I do and I don't understand that at all.
Yeah, this is just the beginning of our story.
And it's going to be a great one.
THE END
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Song: Make You Feel My Love by Adele
Picture: It's pretty self-explanatory
Cast: Willow is played by somebody but I have lost that person's username
— End Notes—
I edited this chapter on 11/3/2021 so if it looks a little different, that's why!
So I'm not going to do the big emotional goodbye because there's still one more story to go in the series.
However, I will say that I'm so proud of this story and I'm so honored that you guys were reading and commenting all the way through and it was just a really awesome experience.
If you want to read more about Ana there are two ways to go about this: The epilogue of Bleed Until You Heal has a lot of Ana/Niles in it. There's also an epilogue of all epilogues on my other account writerbugsecrets that talks about way into the future and tells you how the story really ends.
If you don't want to read the last story in the series but you want to read more about Ana, I suggest only reading the epilogue of BUYH when it comes out because it has a loooot of Ana in it :3
So I'm gonna go now and thank you soooo much for reading and commenting and voting and being wonderful— I love you all!