I was somewhat glad that they hadn't shown up, it would've been torture to be forced to fight them. I couldn't do it, I still loved them, no matter how unfair to me it was that I did. Voice led me back to the abandoned building, what I was told I could call home safely. Home, such an odd word, something that was unattainable as far as I could tell. There was nowhere to be safe, nowhere on earth where someone would hold me and tell me everything was alright without having some sort of alternate motive. Now that I was cooperating again, they were acting like none of that ever happened. "You know that everything I've told you is just the truth, I'm telling you this for your betterment, right?" What kind of a question was that? How was I supposed to answer to something that filled my chest with a thick feeling, choking out anything that felt like life. How was I meant to feel about that statement? "I only threatened you because if you ended up going back or telling anyone, they'd manipulate you, and then you'd die a tragic death. I'd be doing you a mercy if you decided to go back. I care about you, Donatello, I'm the only person you can trust. I'm the only one that loves you, I told you before that no one else does." I took a deep breath, then nodded. It was smart to just play along, to pretend I was still easily manipulated, to avoid getting hurt or putting my family in more danger. When I did see them again, I'd have to fight them, but I'd have to throw the fight.
"Of course I do." I spoke quietly, it came out more despondently than I'd meant it to.
"Good." Voice went and patted my head. It felt wrong, it didn't feel the way it did before. I knew to fear them, so the affection they gave me felt hollow, empty, like it was just them trying to make me feel bad for having any doubts. It probably was, but I didn't have time to think about that. "it's been a long day, hasn't it? I think the best way to relax would be to keep working on your new staff."
"Isn't it good enough?" I felt even worse knowing that they already wanted me to do more. I didn't want to do more, I wanted to go to a tight space of my choosing, hide in my shell, and not go out again until it was safe. Maybe until April was there, reaching for me and saying my name with that empathy that I needed. She toyed with my emotions, but it was the safest I felt. At least she didn't use me to try to hurt my brothers, at least I didn't have to be afraid of her.
"Not yet, everything that always be improved upon." Voice put their hand on my shoulder. "Now, how does working on it sound?"
"Perfect." I had to lie, I was used to it anyways, so what difference did it make? "A great way to spend my time since it's something I want to work on."
"Wonderful." Voice smiled, satisfied with my answer. I was extremely glad that they fell for it or at least pretended to, I didn't need anything else happening. I didn't need any more yelling, any more threats. "Run along now, I have a few things I need to do to make this easier for the both of us."
"Okay." I nodded and went to my room. Why did I have to keep working so incredibly hard no matter where I went? I needed a break, I had hoped that coming here would make things easier on me, but unfortunately it was a trap and now I was stuck with someone who seemed to not even know the definition of love. I wasn't one to talk, I probably didn't know what the meaning of love was either. If I'd loved my family, I wouldn't have abandoned them for a complete stranger. If I'd loved April, I would've left her alone after saving her, I would've hidden all of my issues from her and just let her see me as a freak, let her live a normal life like she wanted. If I'd loved myself, I would've taken breaks despite what other people said, I would've respected myself enough to not let Voice's words about me cut so deep. If I'd loved anything, I would've done things so differently, my personality probably wouldn't have even been recognizable to those who knew me. Maybe I was incapable of love, maybe that was why I felt so strange about Voice's actions. They said time and time again that they cared about me, people lash out at odd times all the time. Maybe they'd had a rough day, maybe I just didn't care enough about people to notice. I mean, it must've been difficult to take in a random kid and provide for them without being ready just because they were pouting about their current living situation, I didn't have room to complain when I was finally safe. I was a jerk for assuming anything bad about them, wasn't I?
But the things they said didn't line up with that logic at all, it made no sense to threaten to kill someone just because of having a bad day. Then again, I commonly threatened a few people when things got too bad, so I had no room to talk. It was likely an empty threat, I couldn't just assume something so harmful about someone who'd treated me so kindly. It probably only felt hollow and horrible because I made it like that, because my distrust made them feel hurt and unable to show true compassion to me at the moment. Once I stopped pouting like a pathetic toddler, maybe they'd go right back to being the same way they used to. But it wasn't the time to think about that, it was the time to work on the new staff again to make it better. The staff was like me. No matter what I did to the staff, no matter how much I changed it, it wasn't good enough, but changing it made it slightly better, more difficult to break. I had to change myself to try to be better, even if it would never be good enough. Changing was the only way to gain any form of approval, after all. Why did I even need approval though? Why did I long for someone to praise me for what I was doing? I got that when I was a child, but I couldn't just have someone leading me by the hand like a baby forever, I had to grow up and leave childish things like that behind. But then it didn't make any sense to stay there, it was pathetic and selfish of me to stay with Voice.
I still didn't even want to stay with Voice. As much as I argued with myself about how they could possibly be a good person, I didn't know enough about them to prove they were good and I knew plenty about them to prove they were bad. They brought me in and treated me so kindly, but it hadn't even been for very long, and who knew how they'd been watching me before? How'd they been watching us without even Splinter noticing? I didn't even know everything about what they knew about me, all I knew was that they'd been watching me without anyone realizing and started approaching me once I was frustrated with the way everyone else was treating me. They'd frequently been contradicting what they were saying before, I couldn't trust anything they said. As much as I wanted to believe that I was just going crazy and that the aggressive way they acted towards me was out of kindness, it was unreasonable for me to think that way. They'd been so kind to me, it felt so genuine before, but things like that aren't always to be trusted. Like people said, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. While going through my thoughts, I improved the new staff, it was better designed for combat, it was made to hurt a lot more if someone were to get hit with it. If used properly, it could probably break bones easily. Twirling it would be easy for me, but even mishandling it could be incredibly dangerous.
"Well done." Voice had snuck up behind me again. I jumped from surprise, having forgotten they'd do that since it hadn't happened for quite a while. "Now, I have a feeling that we're going to see those brothers of yours very soon, I think it would be in your best interest to search for them yourself. I'll be there when you need me, I'll be watching over you just in case."
"Thank you." I held the staff tighter, not wanting to thank them for doing nothing but reminding me that they were going to be watching me. It wasn't exactly comforting to know that someone was just waiting for you to mess up, especially if you wanted to get away from them and just leave. "I'll go ahead and go now." Voice didn't seem to question why I was automatically agreeing to leave, but since they were going to be watching me, even when I couldn't see them, they probably didn't even need to. I was soon back outside, I hadn't even gotten to rest after all of that time spent. It was no different from living with my family workwise, the only difference was that it was getting made fun of at home versus having to fight my own family and living with someone who was extremely kind or very threatening depending on the moment with no in between. I could deal with being made fun of, I didn't know if I could deal with the instability of the relationship with Voice and having to fight my brothers. I was snapped back out of my thoughts when I saw Mikey looking around, he looked like he was alone. Why was he alone though?
"I don't see anything here either." Mikey called, summoning Raph and Leo. So he wasn't alone and I was just assuming based on what I could see, which was rather stupid of me. "We've been looking for hours, can't we take a break?"
"No." Leo glared at him. "We can't just quit now. We started this whole thing, it's up to us to make things right."
"We can't make anything right or even find any clues if we don't stop and take a break." Raph folded his arms. What were they looking for that was so important that they'd take hours to look for without a break? That was usually something we did together while sitting on a roof, not walking around and searching that way. If they were changing their method, it was obviously something important.
"Fine." Leo sighed and sat down on the roof they were on, I was still up higher than they were. "We'll take a break for 5 minutes, then it's back to work."
"Better than nothing!" Mikey smiled and laid down on his stomach, letting himself get comfortable.
"I still think we should split up." Raph grumbled. "That way, anyone can take a break when they need to."
"Even if we were to split up, it wouldn't be a good idea for anyone to go alone." Leo sighed. "And we can't just split into teams of two right now."
"That wouldn't have happened if someone didn't tell me that Donnie was manipulating me." Raph shoved Leo, then glared at Mikey as if to remind him that he was part of aforementioned someone.
"Hey, I juts agreed with some of what Leo said! I agreed with 'it sounds manipulative', not 'it's manipulative'!" Mikey whined. "It's not my fault that I agreed to something that had consequences like making you think stuff!"
"I mean, you don't think at all, so it's kinda shocking you managed to do that." Raph rolled his eyes.
"Raph, that's enough." Leo got up. "Mikey's never gonna try to think things through if you keep telling him he doesn't think and that he never will."
"Oh, so I can't tease my brothers but you can push one into running away, huh?" Raph walked over to him and poked his chest. So he noticed I'd left, that was somewhat shocking to me for some reason.
"You're the last one he talked to, you said it yourself. You told us how it went." Leo huffed. "You can't blame yourself for this stuff at all even though you're the one that yells at him all the time?"
"I never said that I didn't have a part in it! I know when I do something wrong!" Raph retorted. "There's a difference in saying you pushed him into running away and saying that you're the only one that was involved! All of us were involved somehow! We all screwed up, but you take the cake on that one, Leo! I mean, come on! He kept talking about how hard he's been working, I even tried to get him to stop doing so much at one point! Sure I did it wrong, sure I just made him more upset, but that wasn't the point! You're the only one that kept telling him to work and work and work until he just lost it! You and Splinter!" Raph had been listening that entire time? He actually cared? Things were going to be even more difficult now...