Axar's pov:
Another morning, I woke up in sweat, feeling sick. I sigh, getting out of bed and thinking about what to make for breakfast. When I start walking to the bathroom I look at the clock on my hallway, 7:22 am. It wasn't too pleasant cause I knew I slept at 2 am or so. I wash my face, brush my teeth and walk to the kitchen. I started thinking about what to have for breakfast, and I came to the conclusion that, hell I wasn't creative. Finally I decided to make cereal with milk, it was easy and since I felt fatigued I decided it would be the best option. Milk, cereal and two spoons, the cereal box was almost empty. I put the bowls on the table. Sighing again, I knock Acre's room door
"Breakfast is on the table, in case you want to eat"
After speaking, I decided to wait at the table while slowly eating. Minutes went by, the house was completely silent. My mind still was focused on the incident and those horrible images. I had to stop thinking about it, it would take away my apetite. There should be anything I could focus on that didn't include any tragic event. Maybe... Edgar? He called me yesterday. I hate him going through all this, it really must be difficult. It was nice hearing him again and it really helped me feel at least a bit better.
This was strange now, my brother usually comes out of his room some minutes later after I call him. Maybe he didn't hear me? I don't think so, but I anyways stood up and knocked his door again
"Acre? You feel alright?"
No reply, complete silence
"I'll enter, Okay?"
Slowly, I open the door and peek inside. And what I saw, just left me breathless and made my heart rate accelerate. My body started to shake, tears took sometime to form in my eyes. I was frozen, in complete shock.
He was hanging from a noose
"B-brother?.."
His lifeless expression made me feel even worse, I felt like... this was my fault
"Acre... no... You would never do something like this, Right?"
Complete silence. Still shocked and somehow afraid to face that this may be the truth, I gently touched his hand. He was indeed cold
"Fuck... A-Acre..."
I sobbed sharply, fell on my knees and started crying
"No, brother please, please don't tell me you..."
He's dead Axar. Face it. It's your fault
But he had a life, arguably better than mine. Didn't he have a girlfriend? A better job? A...
Father
Crap... Why didn't I assume something like this was going to happen? I thought my brother could go through this when I couldn't but I was wrong
"I'm an idiot"
You're still not sorry
"What will I do now?.. What am I supposed to do without him? He means a lot to me"
Slowly, I stood up, trying my hardest not to look at him again. I looked at an ottoman next to his bed, he always used to put stuff there. There was indeed a letter. With my trembling hand, I gently took it and read
I'm sorry for this Axar. In case you think it is, it's not your fault. My life fell apart slowly this year and I felt unable to fix it. I know, doing this does not improve anything. It only gives me a break.
You know i'm not strong. My friends weren't as good as I thought, which just made it worse cause I should never expect something from people. My girlfriend left me sometime ago, I think I never told you, but I didn't feel any good and my friends weren't helping. They used me as someone who could listen at them vent, but I was never allowed to talk about my problems. I lost my job cause I was accused of doing something horrible I never did. Then when you came home and I heard the shot, I already knew I was going to end up like this.
I will miss you, please don't do as well
-Acre
The letter started wetting with my tears. My crying was louder now
"What will I do?! ACRE!"
I felt guilty now. Not cause my father was a good person, I just feel like I caused this. At least, I contributed and I couldn't be more ashamed of myself
"I'M SORRY!"
There is no point in screaming, he can't hear you. Stop weeping and take his body outside before he starts smelling
This was horrible, I really needed someone to talk to. Whoever could help me get over all this, listen to me, try to help me. Someone who actually cares about me... I didn't oblige to my voices, instead I ran to my room crying and slammed the door behind me. Almost unconsciously, when I collapsed into the bed I curled up into a ball. Even if I feel completely broken cause of this, it was not my fault. At least not completely. After all, everything was a horrible coincidence that made him do that
You're guilty cause of your brother, not your father
Exactly. Still, I wish I had another option that didn't mean dying and also meant not shooting anyone. It was too much, my brother was probably the nicest family member i've met. But now he's gone and I have a part of the blame cause of his suicide. My brother helped me a lot, always was with me in tough situations to comfort me. He actually was really warm with me, and now look, he's dead
"Acre, Why?.. Wh-why?! I can't believe it..."
He was gone, and now I was left alone, rambling about the situation. It hurt me terribly, made me feel incredibly guilty about what i've done. I could've been more discrete, yes of course, but my own father was about to kill me so I had absolutely no choice but to shoot him. After what he's done to my brother I have no remorse about his death. Now, Why was everything suddenly going wrong?! What have I done? What did I do wrong? Did I deserve this? WHY?!
It will not get better any soon, so be ready for the same feeling or worse
Wow. That was extremely encouraging
We appreciate your sarcasm but, we're right
This was really stressful. I already had the image of my friends bleeding stuck in my head, it honestly was enough to traumatize me. And now? My brother's dead body, of course. There was nothing I could take all this stress out on, and it really was bothering me
You know, your blade is still on your desk's drawer
Here we go again. I slowly stood up and walked over to my desk, opening the left drawer to find that damn blade again. After taking it out I close the drawer, looking at the small weapon
"Sometimes I wonder why I do this stuff..."
You need to take the stress on someone else, but if there's no one, just take it on yourself
It made it sound extremely simple, but it really wasn't. How could I be that cruel to someone? I can't just do that, I feel unable to do something like that
You enjoyed killing your father. You're already insane, so there is no salvaging you
Fuck. But why does it have to be exactly that way?.. I leave my questions aside, took off my gloves and cut my shaky hands
So... How are you going to get money? You can't live forever with just savings
"I have no idea... And please, let me fucking think in any other goddamn moment cause right now I only need you to shut up"
It hurt, but it somehow felt relieving. And I really wasn't hurting anyone, only myself, who I really don't care about so much now. No one was going to find out, no one would be so interested in whatever happens to me
Didn't you have some disgusting friends or something?
True, but they don't have to find out I do any of this. What would happen if they did find out tho? Would they even care?
Why do YOU care about possible scenarios?
"And why do YOU not fucking shut up?"
Of course everyone of them would care, if they are like i've met them. All of them seemed to care about me, in some way at least. I feel like Hayden would be asking me everything about the situation, maybe at an overwhelming point, and start to look at my hands everyday. Derreil maybe would comfort me and ask me repeatedly to not do it anymore. Edgar could... do the same as Derreil but in tears. So, it's fun to think about what could happen, the boring part is that i'm in pain and full of blood. Not on my clothing so nothing to worry about.
The house phone started ringing, Who the fuck could be calling me? Oh, maybe a friend... I walk to the bathroom, leave the blade on the sink and take some bandages I left under it. I quickly wrap them around my hands, and ran to answer the phone
"A-Axar, Wh-who's talking?.."
"Oh hey, I thought something happened to you, i'm glad you answered"
Hayden's voice surprised me
"Oh, Hayden... It's really nice to hear you I..."
Shit, I was still sobbing and barely could contain myself
"Is everything alright?"
"Not really, i'm sorry that you have to hear me, w-well, crying like this it's just... problems"
"Too personal? I'm sorry I just want to know in case I can help you"
How could he help me?.. Maybe get me psychological help but nothing else, I felt like either way nothing would change. Telling would save him his curiosity, So why not?
"Um, it's just I fucked up and..."
"Don't force yourself to talk about it tho, we can change the subject if you want to..."
"No just, my brother he... he commited suicide"
"Oh shit... oh no, i'm really sorry about that. Do you need like... help? Wait no, of course you do, But do you want help?"
You don't Axar
What? I actually wanted help
You don't. You decline the offer right now
Oh god now this was worrying
"I-I umm... Hayden I really thank you for worrying but-"
"Axar, Are you really sure about this? I really could get some people to help you, like a therapist or something"
"N-n-no it's fine! I swear i'm fine, it's okay I don't need it"
I didn't really understand why I was declining it... He didn't have to worry this much about me anyways
"Seriously, Do you feel like you don't need it? Everyone needs emotional support and all but-"
"Seriously Hayden, you don't have to worry this much about whatever happens to me, i'm just like anyone else"
Except you're insane
"Shut up..."
Almost unconsciously, I whispered under my breath
"Well... changing the subject, everything here is okay except D-Der... Dennis! A friend of mine has like, trouble with some paperwork or something"
"How are you?"
"Me? Oh, well, sort of overwhelmed with all the work I have to do and that I have to swallow my superiors bullshit almost everyday. But it's okay, i'm like on lunch break"
"So it could mean... fine?"
"Not really, I just spaced out of everything for sometime. But I feel better talking to you"
"Then uhh, How's Edgar?"
"He feels down, or it looks like it. Maybe he still is trying to get through your absence and all that, he loved to be with you and you somehow cheered him up everytime, which I struggle to do. So uhh, as what seems the most accurate answer we can have right now he's not feeling so well"
And overall with that day where he went back home it... oh god it was horrible, I can't imagine how he feels right now
"I honestly expected that answer..."
"Do you know what will be your new job?"
"Not really, i'm still kind of thinking"
"Hmm... perhaps you have a secret talent? Like, I don't know, Singing? Drawing? Playing an instrument or something?"
"No, not really... I was thinking in stuff that don't specifically require too much ability nor a talent, like a shop, maybe I could clean houses or wash dishes..."
"I feel like you're worth more than that Axar"
"Maybe but, I want something easy that I could do without much trouble and enjoy doing it"
"Okay that's... difficult. But not impossible so, I hope you find something that can feed you and you enjoy doing"
"Thank you"
Hayden sighs, and almost inmediately I heard what seemed gunshots on his side of the call
"Shit! I have to leave now, you take care"
"You too, go... goodbye"
He hung up before I could finish the sentence. I leave the phone in its place and walk to my bedroom to lie in bed
"Why do I feel tired?.."
Blood loss, idiot
"Oh yeah, true"
Everything would be much better right now if you're brother was alive. Oh, I wonder what made him make that choice
"Shut up please... All I want now is for everything to just stop hurting. I don't understand how everything broke down so quickly"
Part of it was your fault, you didn't listen
"I wonder if you will allow me to sleep now, cause i'm tired of standing your bullshit"
I close my eyes, trying to relax even if I could feel my hands burning. I don't understand who the disembodied voice in my head thinks I am. I would never pay so much attention to some warnings, you at least need a body for me to merely consider listening. And you know what? Even if I paid attention, half of the things seemed like they were going to happen. Actually, I shouldn't be thinking about this. Overall cause i'm super excited to forget everything for one second.
My mind went blank and I did everything I could to keep it that way. Some seconds later, I eventually drifted away to sleep
"Axar?.."
"Huh?"
A familiar voice called my name. Once I turned around, I was met with Edgar's presence
"Hey uhh... Any idea where are we?"
We were in a completely black space, with what seemed warm water up to my waist. I had clothing but somehow it wasn't wet by the water
"D-does i-it r-re-really m-matter?"
"I don't know, this is odd"
Even if I was unaware of my current location, seeing him was pleasant. He walks closer to me and gently took both of my hands
"At least I get to see you..."
As I speak, I try my best to not make eye contact with him
"D-do you l-l-love me?.."
"Y-yeah, I really do. Why are you asking? I thought you knew"
"I-I mean... I d-do but, lately a-a-almost no one t-to-told me th-that th-th-they love me"
I stare at him with concern
"I'm really sorry about that, I just forget to repeat it too"
"I-it's o-okay, I just n-n-nee-need to hear it m-m-more often"
He gently pulls me closer, wrapping me in his arms
"I missed you, even if I left only for days... i'm used to being with you"
Slowly I get closer, being really careful with my speed
"You know how much I love you, right?"
"I s-s-sure do now"
A short giggle escaped his mouth. I could feel the heat in my cheeks, being this close to him was actually unusual. I've never felt his chest against mine
"I love you too"
I could feel my heart pounding, and at this point Edgar probably did as well. Something about this situation felt surreal. Probably was the fact that I have no memories of anything prior to this moment. But it was so beautiful, and I was so in love with this man, all I needed was to kiss him. I grip onto him tighter, closing my eyes and hoping to feel his thin, soft lips...
But I never reached them.
I woke up, yawned and sat on my bed. My face was burning after that dream. I sighed, dissapointed to find out that none of that hapenned. After some months we've been together i've grown attached. I started to get butterflies most of the time i'm with him. And now I found myself admiring his features way more than before
"Why did I try to kiss him?.."
Along with my question came the answer
"Why not?"
Yeah. I fell for him. I'm different when i'm in love and i'm so sure he already noticed what's up. I remembered the moment right after I left the agency where I was about to kiss him. Damn. Why didn't I do it? He looked amazing that day, but I think he wasn't fully ready and made the decision on the run. True, Hayden came into the room and fucked up the whole moment. Fucking Hayden knock the fucking door next time.
Even if it wasn't a particularly good moment for me, maybe going out with Edgar sometime may help (or at least distract me that is mostly the point). Around this time could be okay to do it if he's free. Maybe some cafeteria somewhere, my place looks like crap so I wouldn't invite him here
And you still have to bury your brother, so hurry up
Great job, reminding me of what I rather forget. I sigh and stand up. Then I start to realize how heavy a dead body is. And it would be more difficult if I keep crying while dragging him outside. What a great fucking day, I want this part and the rest of it gone. Tears form in my eyes. All I wanted is to be out of this and the day to be over. I only looked forward to hanging out with Edgar and seeing him. Even if for a short time it sounded like the best comfort i had available other than sleeping.
I put my hand on my door knob as some tears escape my eyes. I'll do it quick, the sooner I do it the less I have to worry later.
I just wanted this to be over.
(A/N: Hey there, I know I normally don't do notes and all that. Overall cause I wanted to post the story without interruptions and notes. I only wanted to say thank you for the support and that i'm sorry by how long I take to update this story. I didn't really like what I did with it, so i'm already thinking in another version that I think would be better. I'll finish this one first and i'll see what I can do.
Thanks for the patience)