The next few days were a lot of the same. Bakugo's friends would find new ways to make sure that I knew that I was below them, seemingly believing that if they missed a chance I would forget. The blond himself didn't join in, he didn't say anything to me after the incident either, only glancing at the clearly seen bandages on my neck. I don't know why he was acting differently, but I don't question it. It wasn't my place to do so after all.
When I got home, I would do my homework before checking the hero merchandise shop online to see if any of it had sold yet. When I saw that something had finally sold, I'd box it up and fill out the mailing information needed. My plan was to take all of the piling up boxes down to the post office tomorrow since it's a Saturday and I had the time.
I got up early the next day and went down there, carrying a stack of boxes taller than myself, though one of them was just packing envelopes. When I got home, I went to the computer, I'd forgotten to check it before heading out but it was still early enough that I could manage another trip if needed. Instead of the PC turning on when I booted the computer up, the thing made an angry noise and smoke started coming out of it like we were in a speakeasy. The monitor appeared fine, but there was no way that a simple reset would save the computer itself. The computer was old, older than me even, it really wasn't a sunrise that it messed up like this.I looked down at the smoking contraption, wondering if I should just sell it for scrapes or take it to a repair shop, but both options seemed too expensive in the end. We just didn't have the money to buy a new computer or have the current one fixed.
Getting on my phone, I went into the search engine and tried to find out what was wrong with the computer. Through some searching, I found out that the motherboard had most likely started smoking due to an electrical shortage caused by errant residue. I looked up videos on how to fix it, watching one hour long one after another. By the time that my mom came home and came into my room to check on me, I was already covered in grease and computer parts strewn across my previously clean room. The place smelled like smoke, but... well, I wouldn't say that I was happy, more like interested. Content.
"Izuku," she yelled, exasperated. Her eyes darted around the room, looking over every part of the mess. I guess it does look pretty bad from an outsider's perspective. "What's all this?"
"Well... I got home from the post office and-"
"Post office," she cut in, giving me a questioning look, not understanding.
"Yeah... I sold some of the hero merch online, so I needed to ship it." I explained, but the look on her face didn't disappear.
Had I not told her that I was going?
"Sold? Why would you do that? You loved all of that stuff."
Oh... so I didn't tell her about it at all... I'd come up with a decent cover story, about outgrowing it all but... I guess I never told her.
I looked away from her. I couldn't bear the look on her face. "I couldn't stand to look at it anymore," I explained before looking back at her. "It hurt too much. Constant reminders..."
My mother had an inscrutable look on her face, but it broke as tears began to well up and fall from her eyes in a small stream. She rushed forward to hug me, but drew short when she seemed to remember all of the grease and muck on me and the things around me.
"I'm sorry I yelled," she apologized. My mother glanced around the room again. "But what about all of this?" She waved her arms around, gesturing at the mess that I've made of my floor. It really did seem to look worse the longer that I stared at it.
I explained about the incident with the computer smoking when I tried to turn it on. "So I thought that maybe I could try and fix it... and here we are." I told her sullenly.
I was just trying to be helpful and now this... Yay, go me! What an idiot.
"Can you fix it," she asked while crossing her arms and gazing down at me on the floor. I nodded. "Yeah. The main problem was that erant fluid got on it during manufacturing, causing it to short. That just means that we're going to have to replace the motherboard. I'm just cleaning all of the other parts right now to make sure that the residue didn't get on any of them before I go out and get a new motherboard tomorrow." I gestured at the neatly lined piles of computer parts making a barricade on the floor. "I've already got about half cleaned now."
"Izuku... Honey," my mom said carefully. There was a strange light in her eyes that I'd not seen for a while now. It seemed fragile, like something she didn't want to break but easily could if she said the wrong thing. "Do you like this kind of stuff?" She asked, gesturing at the parts on the floor. "I know it's not hero work, but... there are support courses at hero schools where you could do things like this... And even if you don't want to take it that far, it could at least be a hobby."
Ah, so that's what the look was for then...
"I know that it's not being a hero, but isn't it enough?" She asked, almost pleading. To her the life of a hero was one of constant danger and this idea was something safe that kept me away from that danger while still being involved.
Enough... I've wanted nothing more than to be a hero since I was little... would this really be enough?
I thought about the sense of contentness that came over me while working with the materials. It wasn't the rush of adrenaline that I got when thinking about hero work, but the feeling wasn't awful either. To put it simply, the idea was bearable. Survivable.
... I could survive like this.
"Yeah... I think I am," I decided. I saw the look in her eyes get brighter and thought that it was necessary to add, "I don't know about the whole support course thing, but I'd be fine with it being a hobby for now."
I just don't want to get her hopes up.
She smiled, clearly relieved with how easy I gave in. When my mother left to go start on dinner, I stared down at the machinery parts in my hands. I let the calm sensation come back to me.
"I can survive like this," I whispered to myself like a child making a wish on a star at night.
Deep down I knew it was a lie, but I've been lying to myself for years so I guess it's fine.
——
I woke up on the floor late Sunday morning. After cleaning all of the pieces, I tried putting back together what I could without the new motherboard, not that there was much that I could do without it. I ended up undoing everything to just wait and put it together right with the new piece, and had fallen asleep on the floor watching tutorials on how to properly install it once I have the thing. It really wasn't a bad way to spend a weekend I suppose... until I remembered all the homework that I had neglected to play engineer.
Sitting down groggily at the desk, I pulled out the thick packets that I have yet to do. There are still ten months until the entrance exams start for high school, but none of the teachers seemed to care about that as they'd all assigned weekend review packets for homework to help us prepare for the test. There were five total: English, Japanese lit/ grammar, math, science, and history. Each had about fifty questions in them.
Accepting my inevitable failure, I started on the math packet. Normally I would go through the packets and then check them after the next, but I didn't really have time for that this time. I usually got B's on these assignments anyways, managing to mess the packets up even after taking the time to check them over and change the obviously wrong answers, I could guess that each of these would probably be a C if I'm lucky. Knowing my luck well, I was probably more likely to get a D.
About eight hours and one headache later, I'd finished the ;ast of the questions. Some of the English and lit ones had long writing portions attached to them that took up more time than I'd hoped they would. By the time that i was done, it was close to time for a late dinner. Though I was too stressed to really feel hungry, I still went out to the dinner table and puc-ked at the food on my plate.
"Izuku," my mom started, drawing my attention from the mound of food to her. Her eyes burrowed into mine, if I didn't know any better, I would think she had a quirk that allowed her to read minds instead of being able to lift small objects with her own. "Are you not feeling well? You haven't eaten anything today?"
I looked at my food, she was right. I barely touched my food tonight and I skipped lunch to get the packets done in time. When I started to think about it, I really hadn't eaten all that much lately, not that I really needed it. You needed a lot of food and energy to be able to build strength and endure hero training, but since I couldn't be one, food seemed less important and physical strength was never something that I had to begin with.
"I even made your favorite," she added, worriedly.
I gave the food below me a closer inspection. It was Katsudon. My favorite. I hadn't even noticed. Here I go again, unnecessarily causing trouble. I thought about trying to eat some, to make mom happy, but the thought alone was enough to make me feel nauseous.
"Actually, I'm not feeling too well. I'm just going to go to bed early and sleep it off," i lied.
After cleaning away my plate, I headed to my room. A strangled breath escaped my lips when I walked through the door. Once I'd closed the door, I took off the small hoodie that I'd been wearing, revealing the bandages below. I hadn't looked at my neck much since I got the burns, only looking before leaving my room to make sure that the bandages covered everything. Filled with a sense of morbid curiosity and the luxury of time to kill, I undid the bandages.
Loop after loop, I stared at the ground, not looking up until I heard the soft way that the badges hit the floor at my feet. Only then did I look at myself in the small mirror. The burns were worse than I originally thought they were, wrapping around to the back of the neck. There were still some small bubbles on the ski in the places where the burns were worse, scabs forming in the areas with less severity. The burns were ugly looking and were something that would definitely leave a scar.
A burning sensation ran through my body as I stared at the spot. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to scratch away at the angry red skin, to see it bleed. In the end, I settled for taking out the burn cream from the top drawer of my dresser and putting it on roughly. I'd have to cut my nails tomorrow in case that impulse came back the next time I looked at my neck. I sighed heavily and layed down in bed, letting the wounds air out. I wasn't planning on falling asleep, not really, but the day took more energy out of me than i thought.