"What?" Mum asked, seeming startled. For a few seconds, the only thing we could hear was the faint sounds filtering through from Sarah's room, where she was venting her frustration by scrubbing the floor with all her strength.
"I was jealous," I said. "Like... all the things you just said about how this would be good for her. Not having the responsibility, getting constant attention from her Mummy, and just having simple rules and simple punishments. I mean... I can see why that's a good thing, and how you could tell yourself it's good for her. But that's why we're different. I can tell that Sarah will never be happy like that. She needs the challenge, and defines herself by what she can do for her friends. But at the same time, while I'm thinking about how bad this will be for her, I was kind of... I realised that I envy her. I want to be able to enjoy a Disney movie without overthinking it. And now I know that STX can make that happen. I want to feel that unconditional love of Mummy looking after me, and not have to worry about all the chores and schoolwork that's taking up more of my life. It seems crazy, but..."
I hesitated, and took a deep breath before continuing. It was probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to say.
"You're going to let Sarah grow up. I'm not giving you a choice there. But if you want a baby again, to catch up on the stuff you missed when we were young, you can do that stuff to me. It took me a long time to understand what I was feeling, but I think that really is what I want."
"You've been doing more of the chores," Mum said slowly. "I thought you were trying to show how mature you are."
"I... Sarah was taking up so much of your time. I felt like I had to do something to help. I think I was trying to support you, I was scared of being a burden."
"You're not," she said. "You are my treasure. I'm sorry that I neglected you. I will promise you now that you don't have to push yourself to take care of this family. And you don't have to be a baby for me. Understand? I should never have pushed your sister into it, and I won't push you. I can be happy with having two good girls and a happy family."
"Thank you. But if you want a baby... I really mean that. I want you to do this stuff to me. I guess, even if I didn't think about it at the time, that's why I didn't want to read too much about what this stuff does. Only what I needed to. I had dreams where I'd challenge you about what you've been doing to Sarah, and then I'd wake up to find I'm a baby again, too helpless to do anything about it. And I know that's probably not possible, but I didn't want to know that for sure. Because a part of me was hoping it would happen. I want to be surprised, and not get the choice. I really do. So, that's three things I'm asking you. To let Sarah go, and show me enough to be sure that Lyra's actually going to be content like this."
"You're willing to believe that?"
"I think so. A part of me always thought that she would act up because she wanted attention. Like, the earliest I remember knowing her... her parents had just split up and moved in with her stepmums. And they treated her like a hot potato, trying to have her as little as possible before they could pass her on. That's why she was so popular, she was always here or at Penny's house. Neither of them wanted her, until they got back together. And all the stuff since then... from doing sex stuff with high school boys, to stealing her dad's CBD thing, I think it's possible she was just trying to get them to notice her. So maybe, after she gets over yelling and sulking about it like she does with every single decision they ever made, she might actually enjoy being loved for once. That is... if they do a better job of it this time round."
"I didn't know how much of that you understood," Mum said with a sigh. "Really, you were too young to understand any of that. You've always been very mature, you know? Needing to understand everything."
"Yeah. And I don't want to anymore."
"Well, I've been thinking about what I can say to Sarah," Mum said. "And I'll admit... I am reluctant to see you both grow up, even though I know I should. But... if I do that stuff, how would I know if you're still okay with it? If you want to be able to grow up again?"
"You could ask?" I guessed.
"Yes, but... You didn't read everything, did you? As well as the drugs, there's another part to it. A kind of manipulation, I guess. Sarah's been reading a book called Potty Training for Teens. It's designed like an affirmation, repeating the same things over and over in different ways, so if you read it for long enough you might start to believe it. Along with the effects of synthetic lycerophase to increase suggestibility, it's supposed to have a profound effect."
"Teaching her to call you Mummy?"
"Yeah. But also, it's supposed to build a mental link between diapers and babies. Like, convincing her that if she's wet, she should act like a baby. Only babies wet the bed, so you must be a baby, and you should act the part. That kind of thing, but much better written. And one of the things it encourages is seeing the babyish behaviour as natural. Accepting it, and not questioning what caused it. So if you're reading that, you might start thinking that being a baby again is just the way things are. Then you wouldn't be able to tell me you want to stop."
"Then I'd have to trust you," I said. "And I think I can. You don't really want a baby forever, just to make up for the time you missed first time around. I can live with that, I think."
"Okay, sweetie. And I want you to know that I love you, and I'll do my best to show you that whether you're my baby or not. I don't want you doing this just to get my attention, or to get out of chores. Those are separate things."
"I know," I said, my confidence building up again. "And I'm sure. Whenever you want."
"Okay. So, want to come talk to your sister, so you can see that I'm keeping my promises?"
I nodded, but still couldn't help wondering what she planned to say.
"Sarah?" she said softly, tapping on the door. I stayed behind her on the landing, not wanting to crowd them. Sarah was embarrassed enough, without knowing that I was there to hear all about her punishment. Then Mum pushed the door open and went into the room.
"I cleaned it, Mummy," Sarah snapped, pointing at a dark patch on the floor, smelling quite strongly of carpet shampoo. There was a towel spread over the chair as well, and Sarah was sitting on the edge of her bed in a bulky diaper and crop top. "You don't need to keep checking on me."
"I'm sorry," Mum answered. And Sarah opened her mouth to protest, only seeming to realise what she'd heard after a moment.
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry. I was punishing you for lying, but I overdid it. I only realised when I was thinking about... what kind of things justify that punishment. I think you've learned now. So I should trust you to change your own diapers, and stop treating you like a baby. It wasn't fair to put you through that for more than a couple of weeks, much less months."
"I..." Sarah started, but then she was speechless. She just didn't know what to say.
"Alice?" Mum turned around and called to me. "Bring the packs of Allnights from under your bed."
"But I..." I started to protest automatically, and then shrugged. Of course it was logical. Sarah needed to be out of the Babij diapers so that she would recover from the drugs; but she still might need them until the LVX wore off. And giving her ones with plain stripes, that could be taken for regular underwear, would probably help her to escape the childish headspace. I went back to my room and picked up two packs of pull-up diapers; advertised as being just like real underwear. One pack was unopened, and the other had four left in it.
"Now, Sarah," Mum said with a smile. "I need to make a big apology for not treating my girls equally. I was more eager to discipline you, because you argue with me and act like a rebel. Alice has been saying for a couple of months that she'll wear diapers as long as you do, so that you're not alone in this. She thinks I haven't noticed the occasional wet ones when I take the bins out. I let her get away with it because she's always been good; always doing what she's told and never answering back. But now I realise that I wasn't being fair to you. Especially now I know a little more about the situation."
"Mum, I–" I started, wondering how much she knew. Had she noticed the one time I'd poured water in a diaper? Was she just talking about the previous time with the PerfectCalm drops? Or... after a second of thought to push down the outrage in my mind, I wondered if this might just be an excuse to make me keep wearing them. A reason why Sarah was allowed to stop, and why I would have to wear them now. If I was giving Sarah my Allnights, did that mean I would get her Babij ones, in a straight swap?
"I know, honey. I gave you preferential treatment, and I shouldn't have done that. I should have paid more attention to your actions, not just your attitude. But now, I need to treat my girls fairly. You've been exposed to the virus again. I know that. And... how much do you know about my sleep problems?"
"Mum, you haven't–" But she cut me off again.
"I've been under a lot of stress lately, worrying about you two. I've had some sleeping pills so that I can actually rest. And somebody's been taking them. I know you can get a little high off those, a little dizziness, if you take a high dose relative to your body weight. Which is why they say not suitable for children. But as well as a high, they reduce your resistance to viruses. So, you caught it from one of your friends again. You didn't become immune. This isn't just a chance infection, this is a consequence of your actions. But it might actually have worked out well in the end."
"Huh?" Me and Sarah answered together. We were both trying to keep up with what Mum was telling us; and I think I was the only one who knew that she was making this up as she went.
"I got a call from the doctor," Mum said to Sarah. "You've been exposed to the pubococcygitis virus again, a different strain. He said that at the last appointment, the swelling in your pelvic floor was increased. That can happen if you get the virus again; the new exposure wakes up your immune system, and makes it attack the dormant viral cells from the previous time. I don't fully understand it, but the doctor says this can make your problem more acute for a week or so. You might need to wear those during the day..." She pointed at my pack of Allnights. "But he's hopeful that once the new infection is dealt with, you might be able to return to normal."
"That's great!" I said, wishing I could be so imaginative. It was a big lie; but it seemed to make sense. It gave a justification for why Sarah would stop wetting the bed after a couple of weeks, without having to tell her anything about the diapers. And, of course, it gave an explanation for why I was going to start having that problem. I knew then that Mum had decided to accept my offer of being a baby. I was nervous, and even a little scared. But as I analysed my feelings, I found that I really didn't regret it. This was what I had wanted, happening in a way that wouldn't cause problems for anybody else.
"Not so great for you, Alice," Mum's voice was stern now. "The virus doesn't normally come into the same household more than once. That's why this phenomenon hasn't been properly studied. He said there had to be something to cause it, and that's what made me understand about the sleeping pills. This is a consequence of your actions, and even if it had a good outcome, you've put yourself at risk unnecessarily. What if it was some serious disease you'd been exposed to? And there's no guarantee that your body will be able to fight it off, in the circumstances. You need to learn to do better. And that's why you get these."
She opened the drawer, and handed me Sarah's current pack of diapers. Babij Princess; one of the few that I knew the effects of. They were pure STX, I thought, or STX and one of the ones I didn't know the name of. That wouldn't make me wet the bed, but as soon as I did I would be feeling like a little kid. I was both excited and a little scared to find out how it was going to feel; but I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't take the chance. Even if I didn't find it as comforting as I thought it could be, it would be better than leaving that curiosity forever unsatisfied.
"Now, come on, baby," Mum said, looking down at me sternly. "Let's get you into your diapers ready for bed." I nodded, too nervous to speak now, and followed her back to my own room.