Silence on the beach hearing the waves crash while you look out to the water. The sun might be harsh but the trees provide the perfect amount of shade to enjoy.
This was the life. These past few days have been nice just to get out my dad's house. Like it's a beautiful mansion it just doesn't exactly feel like home fully yet. I still enter the wrong rooms, out here I know this place so well.
Some of my family members have some issues and are still in the grieving process. Heck I have cried a lot out here sometimes it just happens out of nowhere. I just remember that feeling of my mom and being with her, the comfort she could give was top notch.
"I would love to live here permanently, but i feel if I ever did I might forget to appreciate the beauty of this place. Do you get me?", I said to our family.
"I mean it could happen but haven't had that experience. Honestly we always try to be outside day or night, there is nothing like doing that.", Tio Jean answered.
"I try to do the same our home has a beautiful view of the beach and just the best sunsets. I will go out to sit down in the gras watching the sunset, its such a calming feeling.", I said.
"I am just surrounded by buildings and sidewalk. I mean its aight but I enjoy getting out here its just better.", Felix said.
"Oy ya vamos pa la casa a comer vengan", grandma said.
(We are about to eat for all of you to come over.)
We started to pack everything up together the kids were already running back to the house. At this moment I was so happy and so sad, I felt like that first trip with Bey's family.
We made it back for dinner all of us ate together had some nice conversations. There were some games going on afterwards but I chose to head up to Jane and I's room. My dad was calling me through facetime and I missed him a lot.
"Hey baby, hows Puerto Rico?", he asked.
"Its been so much fun I have been at the beach like everyday. Tomorrow were going out to explore some of the historic places. I think we'll be seeing the castles or the jungle.", I said.
"Nice nice, so I'll be heading out on Friday, I should be there Saturday morning. We can then spend some days together with your family."
"You really are coming? I was wanting for the last minute cancel."
"No Kid, it's such an important place for you and even now I know it's more sentimental. I can imagine you think of your mom alone, I wanna be by your side." He smiled.
"You're gonna make me cry because I am missing her. I love it here but it has been hard not to constantly think about her. It's hard when I imagine she is in the house and when I want to look for her. I know all of us feel it here."
"I know its tough, I know you miss her. Sadly nothing i can say will make it better or bring her back. I will be soon out there to be with you", he smiled.
"Thanks, well im gonna try to distract myself."
There was a knock on the door.
"Tio Jean"
"Yeah sorry I wanted to let you know we are heading home of you wanna sleepover. I think we'll put some movies on and we're not taking any of the littles. Yall girls can get a break.", he said.
"Is Jane going?", I asked.
"Yeah she is, grab your night bag and stuff for tomorrow. I kind of already told them your coming", he said.
"Okay", I got up and grabbed my things.
Maybe getting out of this house would be the best choice for me and that might help. After packing up the outfits we headed to their house, I knew my way around their house from spending time here. They told us which room to stay in, and just dropped our things there.
"We're picking a movie if you guys would like to join us out here."
We joined them in their couch.
"You girls are now away from all the kids", Jenny said.
"Yeah i am surprised no one brought it up. We are babysitters at this point.", I answered.
"I mean at least we can still enjoy some of the usual things, they gotta watch them at the beach. I am not rescuing them.", Jane responded.
"Yeah im gonna be on them for the next few days make sure you're not fullg responsible for them.", Tio Jean said, "so hows California?"
"It's good its so calm where we live, I spend plenty of time outside and I made some friends so far. I think going to school will bring more friends and I can get to know cali more. I still miss New York and all my favorite places, I think though the winter we will spend time in NY."
"Oh cool we'll be visiting New York in Nov or December still figuring that out though. We are evem thinking of going to California, we always wanted to go.", Jean said
"Omg you have to let me know if you do that way we can do stuff together and like you can probably stay with us. Ill have to ask.", I said, "my cousin Melanie from my dad side stayed a while and we had lots of fun."
"Yeah I'll let you know."
They set some movie on the team I was half interested in, I just could shake the feeling that something was wrong and that things were so different. I was paralyzed into this space I couldn't explain, I was trying to catch my breathe.
How could I be here without my mom? I had not even went to visit her. Why was it so different? This is so wrong so so wrong. It is not right, I shouldn't be here. Is that what is wrong with me the truth.
"Kynedy whats wrong?", they looked at me all scared.
I couldn't respond, I couldn't answer. I was just crying and maybe thats what I need but why cant I breathe normally.
"You're having an anxiety attack, its okay. You're okay we are right her with you. Jean bring some salt", Jenny look at me.
"You're gonna be okay", Jane hugged me.
All of a sudden I felt the salt touch my tongue, I immediately spit it out. I was out of that lock I could talk.
"That's so gross, I need water"
"But it did the trick... it makes your brain change thoughts. Sorry. Is it okay to ask what you were thinking about?", Jenny said.
After drinking some whatever I was scared to answer, would they judge?
"I dont know the main cause but I have just had this nagging feeling some thing is wrong and its wrong to be here without my mom. Like I should not be here in Puerto Rico. I have felt it here and there but it judt felt strong now that I'm really enjoying here."
"I think it might be a bit grief there, it hasn't even been 6 months. You are still feeling the loss of your mom for one part. I feel the loss and towards the end we weren't even that close to each other." Jean answered.
"It sucks so hard trying to all be here and act like it doesn't exist only for all of us to end up crying the story just repeats itself.", I said.
"That's grief when my dad died we had a family vacation a little bit before the year. It was just filled with constant crying every day, but we were also able to look back. We were able to bring up memories with him and bring each other comfort. At the end we all left relaxed and with a bit of a more positive mindset. It wasn't all negative.", Jenny said, "this is going to be the most awkward trip, its gonna be the trip you hate but love. The next trips will get better slowly."
After that piece of advice I felt better I felt understood. We spent the rest of the night kind of talking it out and we all slept in the living room. I am pretty sure they were scared to send me to my room with my issues. I didn't want to be alone either.
The next day Tio Jean was up early I heard him packing things in the car, and tia Jenny was in the kitchen. Meanwhile I was trying to fake sleep my way into a longer nap, while Jane was really asleep.
"Kid if you could help me with your bags that would be great", Tio Jean said.
I got up because I rather not have them postpone anything, I also got Jane's bag. She was gonna sleep through the car ride anyways. It was gonna be a while in the car anyways.
We first had to stop at abuelas house were our abuelos joined us in the car ride. I was glad about that being we hadn't gotten much of a chance to really have one on one time. At first I spent the time sleeping, because we had left pretty early.
"Y ya empiezas el grado 9. ¿Cómo te sientes?"
(And you're starting ninth grade. How do you feel?)
"Ay abue me siento muy feliz, pero voy a entrar a una nueva escuela"
(I feel happy grandma, but I am starting at a new school.)
"Ni que siguieras en la misma escuela, pero eres bien lista vas a hacer amigas y amigos. No más ten cuidado no te dejes llevar no mas por palabritas, que demuestren ser amigos."
(It's not like you were gonna stay in the same school, but you are always ready to make new friends. Just be careful don't fall for words, let them prove they are your friends.)
We continued to talk about life and my mom she was telling me every story about my mom. In a way making sure I heard the stories about her before she became selfish or before she change. At one point in her life she was loving and so nice, but overtime she changed as a person.
Rumors says she stole my dad from Beyonce, but there is some blame on my dad. I knew when I was little they were fighting behind the scenes, I knew they both were hateful. Beyonce beat her up once and that is why I didn't like her.
Beyonce eventually settled down and came to terms with the situation or something like that. Ever since then she never brought up the past or said anything negative, not even when you ask her. I have had people try to bait her even when I am not there and she refuses. I am kind of grateful for that.
This is not about Beyonce this is about me, and the drive was going well so far we only had an hour left to get there. I could see the water already and the scenery changing, the humidity was felt as soon as we brought down the windows. The excitement was growing.