Another reason why I agreed to meet my biological mom is because of Kate
My birth mother is my only living connection that I have to Kate, and that Kate even existed at all. When I was first put in foster care I didn't speak much, this much I know as this is what drove Tessa to want to adopt me. She told me that when she first laid eyes on me she thought; this little girl seems so broken and hurt. And she believed no one should be broken or hurt...at least not so young. So I was taken in by Tessa and Greg, but even the two of them I barely spoke to. the first person I actually started speaking to was my therapist Lila
I remember that day, which was a big feat for me because a lot of things that had happened earlier on in life I've either seemed to have forgotten completely or have this haze conceal my memories; where nothing is clear and nothing makes sense. That day Lila had told me to call her Lila because friends call each other by their first names and we were friends. She had a cool office and an ipad for kids to play with when they visited her so I told her that we were friends just so that I could come back and play on her ipad
Lila asked me if I had any friends before Tessa and Greg had adopted me
''No, not really'' I answered truthfully
''And did you want friends?'' Lila asks encouragingly, every few seconds looking at me then writing something in her big dark green book
''No''
''So when you'd see other kids playing or having fun with others, you didn't feel left out?'' she asks, and I scrunch my face because I don't like these questions
I had shook my head, because I never longed for friends, I never needed them ''No because I had Kate'' Is what I say instead
This is when Lila stopped writing in her book and looked at me, she asked me to tell her who Kate was
''My sister obviously'' I say kind of annoyed, because I'm 10 and I know doctors always know things about you even if you didn't tell them, including her, even if she's only a talking doctor
''Okay –'' she says smiling, ''Tell me about Kate''
But despite my annoyance I didn't pass up the opportunity to talk about Kate. So I told her....all the good things only of course, because it's not nice to speak ill of the dead. Although, I didn't have much nice things to say about her, so I go quiet very quickly
Lila tells me I can tell her anything, even things that I don't want other people to know, that she will keep my secrets
''I used to tell Kate all my secrets'' I tell her
''Yes, but now Kate is no longer here, right?'' she says slowly, like she's afraid her words might trigger me
I nod and feel tears roll down my cheeks
''it's okay, it's okay, Kate would want you to be happy right?'' she says, I assume she thinks that's the right thing to say
''No, she wouldn't, she'd want me to be thinking of her'' I yell at her, because I'm annoyed that she doesn't know Kate as well as I do
No one does
Of course Lila writes it down in her stupid book
''You don't know her'' I yell again, aware of how whiny I sound, it doesn't take long for the tears to come, and once they start they don't stop until they're streaming down my face
''Yes, but that's why you're here to tell me all about Kate'' Lila reasons calmly, sliding a box of Kleenex with hearts on the box over to me
And that makes me stop crying
''Really?'' I ask
''Yes we can talk about whatever you want''
Kate was always the more exciting part of my life
I like that, so I wipe my tears and I'm not mad at her anymore.
I told myself that I wouldn't speak about Kate to people that didn't know her, because if they missed her as much as I did, I wouldn't need to remind them of her, so I ended up only talking to Lila about Kate.
Going to therapy taught me one thing...well two things, the first one being that; if you're still going to therapy at 22 it's because they think you still need it and the second, if they ask about it, it's because it's an issue, and with doctors they are always asking about issues
''How is this feeling?''
''Does this still hurt?''
''What would Kate do?''
So about 4 years in of seeing Lila, I stopped talking about Kate, and to prove my theory, Lila reduced the amount of time I needed to see her, from weekly to once every second week
Progress, right?
Which is why when I meet up with Jillian I'm excited, exited she might say something about Kate, but she doesn't, and I try to pretend that it doesn't upset me, when she talks about everything else but my sister
''Tessa told me that my grandma and grandpa live here'' I say tugging at the hem of my tweed jacket
''oh yes they do'' she answers distractedly ''this is my childhood home'' she finishes
''so where are they right now?'' I ask
''visiting family in Alabama for 3 weeks'' she says this smiling, as if my question pleases her ''you'll see them pretty soon'' she says by way of assurance as if me asking her that was because I was afraid that I wouldn't be meeting them
''How about your other grandparents?'' This time she asks the question
''Dads parents I'm pretty close with them –'' I stop when I see her expression at me calling Greg my dad.
''I call Tessa and Greg mom and dad'' I say sighing, tired of having to walk on eggshell's with the whole aspect of the parental titles, especially because I consider them my real parents
''Oh, did they ask you to'' she asks feigning nonchalance
''No, I wanted to'' I answer truthfully, and I watch her nod her head at my response then take a sip of her water and swallow
God, this is painful
''And you at university right –''
I nod my head
''I'm studying sociology –'' I offer attempting to fill in all her blanks
''wow, what made you choose that?'' she asks seeming genuinely intrigued
''This might sound silly'' I laugh nervously, which makes me think I care more about her opinion than I let on ''But I wanted to be a detective, so I took sociology to finish a course and then hopefully transition into a police academy training program –''
Jillian seems legitimately surprised by my answer, like she'd never have guessed it
''But yeah, three years in and I realized I really like sociology, and I'm currently writing my second thesis paper this year''
She nods her head and I can almost see the dials in her head clicking together, how she's scrambling for something to say to me, in case she says the wrong thing, she doesn't want to say the wrong thing, this thought and her almost public display of concern to my potential reaction makes me smile because I know that feeling all too well
''What about friends, or not friends –'' the way she emphasizes her not makes me understand exactly what she's referring to, or more so the role played by whom
What is everyone's fascination with my love life?
''I have some friends yeah, I haven't dated actually....well I'm seeing someone currently, but it hasn't been long'' I say surprising myself with the knowledge of my personal life that I just gave up to her, practically offered it.it surprises me because this in information I haven't even told Tessa let alone my friends
I thought I'd have told everyone by now, I never thought myself good t keeping secrets, just because I get too excited to share it. Yet this secret hadn't been hard to keep at all. Maybe it's because I didn't know how to feel about it
''Yeah?'' Jillian inquires clearly interested ''what's his name?''
''Marcus''
And there I go offering his name as well, what's next his address?
''And, how is he?'' she asks after a beat
''he is nice'' is what I manage to say
She laughs, the sound surprises me ''Why do you say it like it's a bad thing?'' she asks
''it isn't'' I answer, but I myself am not sure whether it's a good or bad thing