(062b - Take A Step Part 2)
HAPPY NEW MONTH FELLAS!🔥❤️
It's been a minute!
I can't begin to tell you how exciting it is to be back on Wattpad. I think this is the longest I've ever gone on hiatus (while I have a book ongoing), and it's actually telling on me. While I was writing this chapter, it felt a little strange... almost as if I've forgotten how to write 🤣😭.
I pray and hope it's never like this again because...💀. Better pray oo 🤣.
We are going to see Hilary make a big breakthrough in her healing journey and I can't wait for her to completely heal. But then, to everyone that makes a step forward, there is always someone out there that is moving a step backwards 💀.
Does that even make any sense?
I hope it does at the end of this updating frenzy❤️.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘
(Hilary Idara Eghosa)
The first thing I noticed as soon as the Uber pulled up in front of the see-through gate, was Simi pacing the length and breadth of his compound, right outside the building of his house.
Immediately I saw him, I knew that he wasn't just out there to get fresh air, especially when his house was obviously well-conditioned and cozy. Besides, it was the harmattan period and it was really cold out.
He has been waiting for me.
How long has he been waiting for me?
At the sound of the raising of the engine, before it went off, he stopped short in his steps and turned his head in my direction, looking right at the Uber parked in front of his house. He couldn't see me because of the tinted glass of the car, but it was like he knew I was the one that just arrived.
He spurned on his feet immediately, making his way to the gate just as I finished paying the Uber driver and opened the car door to get out. The driver made a turn and zoomed off, just as Simi reached the gate and pulled it open for me to come in.
"How long have you been standing out here?"
Was the first question I asked as soon as I got in. He closed the gate behind us and came to stand in front of me, just inches away from me. I caught the familiar whiff of his perfume and fought the urge to inhale at that moment.
How can someone smell this good at this hour of the day?
"Since you called," He answered, holding my gaze.
He didn't bother to hide the concern in his eyes, the worry in his tone. It was clear as day. And given the content of my call earlier before I started coming here, I can understand how worried he has been. How worried he is.
...I want to try again...
That was all I said before I hung up. The message was vague and cryptic and I can't even start to imagine where Simi's head had gone as soon as I ended the call with him. But what I didn't expect was him standing out here in the chilling winter, pacing through and through while waiting for me to show up.
"You didn't have to," I voiced out my thoughts in a whisper, absent-mindedly playing with the strap of my bag over my shoulder.
He honestly didn't have to wait for me, standing out here in the cold, or even opening the gate for me. This was someone that could have easily opened the gate from inside the comfort of his house, just the way he has always been doing. But he decided to stay out here for close to thirty minutes and open the gate for me manually.
To any other person, it might not seem like a big deal. But to me, it was a big deal.
A very big deal.
"I was really worried about you, Hilary," His admission flowed easily from his lips, his gaze unwavering from mine. He wanted me to see that he was worried about me.
And right there in his glistening amber eyes, I could see it.
"You dropped the call before I could even say anything else and it got me so worked up," he continued, the dilemma in his tone unmatched. "I tried calling you after that and your number was suddenly unreachable. It scared me.–
I don't like that feeling, Hilary, especially when it has to do with you."
He whispered the last part out, his breath fanning my face with the way his voice came out in breaths. His words, and the way he said them tugged on my heartstrings in so many beautiful ways all at once.
It warmed me all over.
Not knowing what else to do, I closed the remaining tiny distance between Simi and me, threw my arms around his neck, and pulled him for a hug. He wasn't expecting it, being caught unawares but he collected himself in time, and the next thing I felt was his arms around me, pulling me into him.
I sighed in his embrace, nuzzling my face to his neck, finally inhaling that exhilarating scent that was his.
"Thank you," I whispered against his skin. I heard him sigh, then felt his arms tighten against my middle, basically molding my body into his. One thing I have noticed about Simi was that he always wanted me as close to him as possible, in whatever way he could.
I liked the feeling that came with that a lot. The feeling that came with being held by him, being touched by him.
The feeling that came with being wanted by him.
"You're okay," He whispered back, his palms splayed on my back, rubbing soothing circles across. "I've got you," He added in a huskier whisper, raspier than the last. It made his words more intense, giving them a sort of hidden meaning.
I'm sure it was just my mind adding a little bit of extra to everything he did, but that wasn't so bad.
Nah, it wasn't bad at all.
"Now," He started to speak again as he pulled away from me slightly so that he could look at me. "Can you please tell me what you meant by what you said over the phone?" He asked, reminding me of the reason why I was here in the first place.
Reaching into the back pocket of my jeans, I fished out the folded paper that contained Jidenna's Letter and gave it to Simi. He took it from me, a confused frown creasing across his forehead. He looked at it for a moment, then looked up with a quizzical expression.
"What is this?" He asked me
"Just open it," I urged him. He did as I said, unfolding the paper slowly until it was one big sheet, the inked side to his view. His eyes didn't skim through for more than five seconds before he looked at me again.
With the look on his face this time, it was obvious he knew who the letter was from.
"Is this from who I think it is?" He asked, and I nodded, knowing that we were thinking in the same direction.
I couldn't decipher the look on his face at my confirmation but I knew I had to explain why I had Jidenna's letter with me... especially after everything that went down two weeks ago.
"This was the last letter he sent to me through Dawn," I started to explain to him, and he listened. "It was on the same day everything blew up in the hallway. I told her to get rid of the letter but she didn't. Instead, she hid it in my bag and just told me about it today."
"That was why she called you," He noted, referring to when I had to stop chatting with him just so that I could pick up Dawn's video call earlier today. I nodded again.
"She told me I needed to read it, to understand it," I said. "And I didn't understand what she meant by that until I actually read it." I nodded at the letter in his hand.
That was all the invitation Simi needed to dive right in and start reading it as well, while I patiently waited for him.
I need Simi to see it too. I need him to see what I saw, what Dawn saw, and what it is that is pushing me to make this decision for myself. I needed a confirmation that this wasn't just my emotions clouding my senses and making me interpret the letter in a way that it was not.
But the fact that Dawn saw it too was enough to tell me it wasn't my emotions, but the message of the letter. That was why she told me to read it in the first place. I need Simi to see it too. That would solidify my decision to take this step.
And He did.
I watched his eyes light up in a matter of seconds of reading the letter, and I needed no one to tell me that he has gotten to that part of the letter and it has opened up something in him, just like it opened up something in me.
The determination to fight.
Not because Jidenna said so.
But because I want to. Because I need to.
Simi slowly looked up from the letter to meet my eyes again. There were so many emotions that clouded his irises; some I could name, some I couldn't. But it was easy to pinpoint the one that stood out for me, the one that glared most especially.
Uncertainty.
"Hilary," He whispered, moving closer to me. "A-Are you s-sure about t-this?" He asked with a little quiver in his voice, holding up the letter in indication.
He was uncertain... scared. Not because of himself but because of me.
He was scared for me.
The last time we tried this, I had ended up breaking down in the worst way possible at the time, every single thing in me shattering at the remembrance of the accident. And it was more vivid because I was in an exact replica of where it had all ended.
A water body.
Simi had blamed himself for everything that went down that night for weeks and now, I'm back here in the same location, wanting to try the same thing again.
He was right to be uncertain.
He was right to be scared.
But I have come to a point in my life where I have decided that I'll not allow fear to rule...
Never again.
No matter how small, it seemed like the presence of water around me will always serve as a reminder of what had happened that night. But if I don't learn to live with it.... or rather, live above it, I'll never move on and forward with my life. And I will never heal the way I want to.
Completely. Wholely.
So, I shook my head.
"I'm not," I admitted to Simi. "And I might never actually be sure about this, but I can't let that come between me and my healing," I said to him.
Something sparked in his eyes at that, but he didn't say anything. He kept mute, wordlessly urging me to go on.
"Simi, there was a reason this letter came to me at this time," I continued to speak. "There was a reason it didn't come to me at the time when I could have torn it up or burned it like the rest. Dawn saw it. I had to put everything I feel for Jidenna aside just so that I could see it too. And so did you,"
I gently stab my finger to his chest when I said that, and the softness that overcome Simi's features was enough confirmation that I needed.
"I can't continue to run away from this. That's not moving on, that's moving back. And I'm tired of moving back, Simi. I want to move forward. I want to heal and I want to do it while doing something I love with all my heart. I need to face this once and for all and I need your help. I want to do this with you."
My voice pleaded, and my eyes did. But it wasn't enough for me, so I reached out and took Simi's hands and clasped them in mine, holding his gaze steadily and searching his eyes pleadingly, waiting for him to tell me that we are doing this.
I want to do this with him.
He sighed, finally breaking form and that's all the answer I needed.
But that's not all from him because his gaze dropped to our joined hands between us and his lips stretched in a small, longing smile as he stared at our hands like there was something utterly mesmerizing about it.
He brought our hands up to his face level and turned them till the back of my palm was facing him. Then he leaned his head down and pressed a lingering kiss there, eliciting a deep sigh from me.
A way better answer than the first.
"Okay," He whispered, meeting my gaze again. My lips automatically stretched in a big grin.
"Let's get you back in the water, Hilary."
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
"Shit!"
I cussed under my breath, struggling to pull up the lever of my zipper for the nth time, but just like the countless times I've tried before now, it wouldn't budge.
I turned my back to the mirror, trying to get a better look at the zipper to see what exactly was holding it down and making it hard to pull up, but I couldn't see anything clearly.
Obviously, I'd need to have actual eyes at the back of my head, or better still, be able to rotate my head three hundred and sixty degrees for me to be able to see what got the zipper of my trunks stuck.
I've been inside Simi's extremely spacious bathroom for the last seven minutes - and counting, just to change into my trunks but I've not been able to get the zipper up.
And no, It wasn't because I have added a little weight since the last time I wore it but because a piece of clothing... or whatever was holding it still, and I haven't been able to work it up.
Is this some sort of sign that I shouldn't go through with what I was about to do?
Or was the devil just trying to discourage me?
It's definitely the latter. I conclude internally, trying to zip up again to no avail.
The soft knock on the bathroom door alerted me out of my thoughts, a gentle reminder that I have been keeping Simi waiting for almost ten minutes.
Shit! I cuss again.
"Hilary?" He called from the other side of the door while I attempted yet again to zip up my trunks. No progress.
"Are you okay in there?" He asked. Even with the faintness of his voice due to the barrier of the door, I could still hear the clear concern in his voice.
"Hilary," He called again when I didn't respond, knocking on the door. It wasn't like the door was locked. Simi could easily come in, but of course, he wouldn't do that.
"I'm fine!" I called back, pulling on the zipper again, hoping that this time, it would budge. It didn't.
Fuck it.
I gave up, knowing that if I attempted to force the lever up, the zip might get worn out and the trunks will be completely useless then.
"You know," Simi started to speak again. "If you are having second thoughts about going through with this, It's perfectly fine. I completely under–"
"No!" I quickly interjected. "It's not that," I added, wanting him to know that I wasn't backing out of my decision. But how do I tell him that I need help with my zipper? I mean, it shouldn't be a big deal to tell him right? But I can't help but feel self-conscious about letting him know about my ordeal.
But I have to tell him. He was legit the only person that could help.
"I... uhm..." I stuttered, trailing off mid-way as I tried to think of a better way to tell him. Buy no matter what my mind came up with, it still felt pretty embarrassing to say out loud. But I had no choice but to ask for his help.
Just rip off the band-aid, Hilary. it's just zippers.
"I need help," I finally spoke, calling out to him. "My zipper is stuck and I can't seem to work it up. C-Can you c-come and help me out, please?" I pleaded, my voice coming out in an awkward stutter. Then, I waited and listened for any response.
There was none.
There was total silence at his side of the door. Heck, I couldn't even hear him breathe. Even though I didn't hear retreating footsteps, it felt like he wasn't behind the door anymore with how suddenly silent everywhere became.
Did I weird him out?
I definitely weirded him out, didn't I?
Exhaling in frustration and cussing myself inwardly, I started to stretch behind me again, making yet another attempt to pull up the zipper. But just as soon as my hand touched the tiny lever, the door of the bathroom opened, stopping me mid-way.
I didn't have to look back to know it was Simi that entered. Aside from the fact that we were the only ones in the building, I could see a clear reflection of him through the mirror in front of me. He also held my gaze through the mirror, and I held my breath as he walked further into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him gently.
The sound of the door shutting was a propeller for the immediate heavy beating of my heart, pounding furiously in my chest. It wasn't just because he was moving closer to me but also because he was very much shirtless, only having a pair of shorts on.
Unable to help it, I started checking him out through the reflection in the mirror, not even attempting to be subtle or discreet. This wasn't the first time I'd be seeing Simi shirtless but this was the first time I would be really paying attention to every detail of his body.
And Jesus... He is gorgeous.
That was basically the best adjective I could come up with to describe how he looked right now.
He wasn't too buffed, and all muscles like Kizito was, but his upper body was beautifully defined, structured, and taut, an indication that he keeps fit.
And his skin.
I don't think I have ever seen a guy's skin this flawless and void of blemish.
This beautiful.
It was rare, because even childhood injuries do leave a scar, but there was absolutely nothing on Simi's body, safe for the ink scribbled at the side of his biceps, something I have also not noticed before.
Simi had a tattoo.
I couldn't see it clearly but it looked like something written in roman numerals.
Asides from the ink, there was nothing that tainted his clear skin. I wasn't sure if it was because of a particular skincare routine, or if he was just blessed to be born with such clear skin. And to think I haven't really noticed any of this till now.
Ọmọ, God in his infinite mercy took his sweet time to create some people specially, and Simi seemed like one of the highly favored ones.
Simp! My subconscious mocked me.
Great. Now I'm the one simping.
"What did you say you needed my help with?" Simi's voice pierced through my train of thought, and I immediately came back to reality.
Right. My zipper. Now I was back to feeling extremely self-conscious.
"Uhm..." I began but trailed off before I could get a coherent word out. Then, I cleared my throat, trying to get my thoughts in order and trying my best not to overthink this whole situation.
Too late. I'm already overthinking everything.
"I can't zip up," I said to him, gingerly sweeping my weave away from my back and over my shoulder to give him a clear view of what I was talking about. "I think something is stuck in it and I don't know what it is," I explained to him.
He nodded slowly, moving closer to me till he was standing right behind me, with barely any space between us.
It wasn't until he got to that position that I realized that by sweeping my hair away from my back, I had exposed my entire back to him, with the armless sleeves of my trunk off my shoulder, also leaving it exposed to his gaze.
Jesus.
I wasn't wearing anything on the upper part of my body inside my trunks, so with the zip off, my back was completely bare to him, to his gaze, and his touch. When he hung his head low, as if to get a closer look at what was wrong with my zipper, I felt his breath on my exposed skin, eliciting a shaky breath out of me and causing goosebumps to sprout all over my body.
With how close he was standing and how well he was looking, I'm sure he could see the gazillion tiny bumps on my skin.
And then, when his fingers ran through the teeth of the zipper, it sent vibrations zapping through me like electric sparks, sparks that ran straight through my veins and directly into my bloodstream before hitting my heart at the highest volt.
I swear, my legs forgot their function to hold me up and almost gave way on the spot. I had to grab onto the ceramic basin in from of me to stay myself.
I could have leaned into him, but hell... that would be too daring.
Dangerous, in fact.
"Here?"
He asked as he tugged on the lever of the zipper, his voice coming out in a raspy and breathless whisper that tickled my skin.
Not trusting myself to speak, I only nodded, watching him through the mirror as he tried to zip me up. He did a little tugging and the stiffness in the zipper eased and he began to move it up, slowly if I might add. He was taking his time to zip me up and I wasn't complaining.
Of course, we have all the time in the world to spare.
Simi finally looked up, meeting my eyes through the mirror and holding my gaze steadily with his as he zipped me up. He completely covered up my exposed skin before bringing his hands up to my shoulder and casually sweeping my sleeves back in place, the blunt tips of his fingers daintily brushing my skin tentatively.
And as he did that, he held my gaze transfixed, watching every little bit of reaction that passed my face, caused by even the smallest touch from him with deliberate attention.
Simisola André Jordan knew exactly what he was doing. He was no novice at this. He might not be experienced but with every passing moment I spend with him, I have been able to realize that he knew every single rule in the playbook and he knew them very well.
That single thought alone should have made being alone with him, especially in an enclosed space with no one around feel dangerous and unsafe like our mothers used to tell us. But I didn't feel any of that, even in the tiniest, minutest bit.
Not with Simi.
If there was anything I felt, it was excitement. All the way to deep in my bones.
And it was pretty ironic given that this is the time I was supposed to be scared and nerve-wrecked as hell.
"All done," Simi announced, bringing me out of my thoughts once more, both of his hands sitting on either side of my shoulder.
I took a deep breath and looked at my reflection in the mirror, slowly running my hands through the spandex that clung to my body like a second skin, feeling the material beneath my palms, trying to memorize... or rather, remember what it felt like to wear them.
For the first time in almost five months, I was wearing my swimming trunk. It felt more familiar than foreign. It didn't feel like I stopped using it for so long.
My body immediately adjusted to the feel of it against me, like it remembered what it was and what I used it for. The joy that always came when I had them on. The feeling of belonging.
I didn't even realize how much I missed wearing it till now. And this feeling of nostalgia, hitting me left, right, and center was enough push for me to do what I need to do... what I had to do.
"It's been so long."
I whispered, staring at my reflection with so much longing, and awe, feeling proud of myself for how far I've come, and how far I'm going. Simi didn't say anything back, allowing me to bask in this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia that was flowing through me like a tidal wave.
I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to travel back in time, to reminisce every single moment I've worn this trunk; in school and off school, every single fun I've had in it, every single competition I've won... and lost in it.
Looking back at these moments now, I didn't want anything to take them from me.
I wanted to relive them and be happy, not regretful. I wanted to relive them and feel fulfilled.
In between my mind trip, I felt Simi's hand enclose my middle, pulling me back gently till my back was resting against his chest.
He was hugging me, from behind.
With my eyes still closed, I brought my hands to his, holding them in ace around me. Still, with my eyes shut, I felt his chin rest against my shoulder as he buried his bead in the exposed space between my neck and my shoulder, taking deep breaths in and exhaling them on my skin, causing me to shiver against him.
I allowed him to hold me, allowed myself to be held by him because it was the only kind of comfort I could receive right now. We weren't sure how this exercise would work out, or what dimension it would take.
All we can do is hope for the best... and prepare our minds for the absolute worse.
My eyes blinked open when I felt Simi's lips on the skin of my shoulder. One kiss. Two kisses... Five kisses. I sighed in contentment, knowing that this was his way of telling me that it would be alright. And I had to believe that whatever the outcome, it would be alright.
It's Time.
"I'm Ready," I whispered.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
My hands instantly started shaking as soon as we got to the backyard and I came face to face with the large pool, my nerves picking up. Simi could also feel the change because my hand was clasped protectively in his.
He gave it a gentle squeeze.
"It's okay," He whispered beside me. Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his gentle eyes on me. "I'm here."
He didn't have to tell me that he was before I knew that he was. I could feel him, not just because he was right beside me physically, or because he was holding me... but also emotionally. I could feel him emotionally.
Squeezing his hand back in response, my eyes remained on the water body before us.
I stared at what I might count as my nemesis for good fifteen minutes, and Simi let me, allowing me to take it all in, giving me the chance to withdraw if I wanted to.
Being this close to the water, the gravity of what I was about to do dawned on me, causing second thoughts and doubts to start setting in gradually. But I tried my best to push it away, knowing within me that I have come to a point of no return. For me, it was already too late for that.
The pool before me was just a representation of every single pool and water boy I'd encounter in my life. If I can scale through this, I won't have any problem facing the one at school, or anywhere else for that matter. That was my take away from this exercise.
Progress.
I can do this. I can do this! I chanted to myself repeatedly, allowing Simi to lead me a little closer to the water.
We stopped walking when we were about ten feet away from the pool, Simi dropping his phone on one of the beach chairs arranged in a neat row. Then he turned to look at me.
"Hey,"
He started, his voice in a whisper. I stayed still as he brought both of his hands to rest on either sides of my forearm, holding me in place.
"Look at me,"
I did what he asked, craning my head up so that I could look at him better. His hands moved across my skin, rubbing my hand in a soothing caress, most definitely in a bid to calm me down.
"You can do this, okay?" He said to me, his eyes holding mine steadily and intently, just as his voice held so much assurance and certainty, the fear and uncertainty from earlier long gone.
I knew this didn't mean that he had suddenly become brave and fearless. For all I know, he was probably still scared out of his mind with what we were about to do but he was trying to hold his own... just for me.
He knew this was the time for me to be anything but negative, that the last thing I wanted around was someone who wasn't supportive. So, he put all his fears and worries aside because I was doing enough for that for both of us. Because I was nervous, he had to be strong.
Because he knew I needed him to be.
He dragged his hand up my arm to my shoulder, then to my neck and finally to either sides of my face, cupping it between his palms. His thumbs mimicked what he was doing, running soothing circles across my skin.
I let out an involuntary sigh of satisfaction at the feeling that came with it
"I need you to know that I'm not going anywhere," He continued to speak, still holding my gaze. "I'm here for you all the way, and I'm going to help you achieve what you need to."
The way he held my gaze with all intensity as he spoke, it was like he wanted me to know how serious he was with everything he was saying, and yeah, I could see it.
"I'm going to do everything within my power to help you swim again. If it's not today, we will know. But if it's today then I'm going to help you get there, no matter what." He was promising, and I knew he'd keep it, even when push comes to shove.
Unable to bring myself to speak, all I did was nod, letting I'm know that I was taking in everything he was saying and I was going to hold him to it when the time comes.
Simi exhaled, then leaned down to touch his forehead to mine. I exhaled too, my eyes fluttering close.
"I've got you." He whispered.
"I know." I whispered right back. He nodded, raising his head up a little to peck my forehead. I couldn't even find the right words to thank him with because saying 'thank you' will never be enough.
"Now, you are going to do exactly what I tell you to," Simi instructed after we pulled away, and I nodded again. "Whatever it is, you'll have to trust me, okay?"
"I already trust you," I told him. His lips twitched in a slight smile that ended just as soon as it began, before he nodded.
"You need to know that whatever happens, if you are not comfortable with it half way, we'll stop. It completely okay for you to back out–"
"I'm not gonna." I cut him off gently, holding his gaze as well so that he'd how much I needed I do this. This time, his lips stretched farther up his face and the smile lasted a while.
"Good girl,"
He whispered with that smile still playing on his lips, before retrieving my swimming cap amongst the things he kept on the beach chair. He aided me in wearing it after packing my hair, to protect my hair from when I'm in the water.
It's go time.
"Okay," Simi said when he was done, exhaling. "You are going to wait here, and I'm..." He trailed off, taking a step was from me. "I'm going to stay in the water." He said, walking away from me totally to the pool.
I stared at his retreating figure in confusion, feeling all the warmth I felt from being so close to him dissipate into thin air.
This wasn't how we did it the last time
"W-What are you doing?" I hated the way my voice quivered, but I couldn't help it.
Simi didn't answer for a moment, dropping himself into the water, slowly. I watched him submerge himself till the water was above his waist, then he swam further and further into the water, creating more distance between us.
It made me curious... and anxious.
My heart picked up the beat
When he resurfaced, dripping with water, he turned to look at me.
"The last time, I helped- or rather, forced you into the water and it didn't go well," He said as an answer to my previous question.
"You are not going to do the same thing now ?" I asked, throwing my hands around my exposed shoulder when the cool evening breeze blew.
"Nah," He shook his head, slowly. "You are going to come and meet me in here, Hilary." He revealed.
Fuck! My heartbeat doubled in speed
"S-Simi..."
My voice quivered, trailing off as I called his name with so much uncertainty that even from the distance between us, I'm sure he heard it loud and clear.
"Your pace, Hilary," He said, holding his hand out to me like an indication for me to come to him. "Take as much time as you need to , but you have to come to me on your own volition. That's the only way I think this will work." He told me.
I almost started shaking my head but I had to to stop, knowing that it would only mean that I was backing out, without barely starting in fact. It not how I want today to end.
But this wasn't how I pictured it would be. What has been going through my mind was that it would be like the last time; Simi holding my hand and aiding me into the water like he did before. I never imagined that I'd be taking the step alone. I never imagined that it will be all by myself.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I started to make excuses. "What if I slip and fall because of how wet it is ?"
"You won't."
"What if I miss my step and plunge into the water?"
"You won't. But if you do, I'll catch you."
"What if–"
"Hilary." Simi called gently, stopping me mid sentence. I looked at him, his head bobbed to the side as he gave me a look. "You are stalling."
I am stalling.
But that's because I'm nervous as hell! Heck, I don't see myself moving from this spot without help.
Not if Simi can help it. My subconscious piped in.
"I get it, shit is scary," Simi was speaking, and even in my frozen state, I listened to him because I knew that whatever he had to say might just be what I need to hear at this time.
"But this is on thing you have to do on your own, not because I'm assisting you but because you want to, Hilary," He said to me. "We have tried it one way and it didn't work, so let's try it this way. No force. No cajoling. Just you taking a step of faith."
A step of faith.
"And I'm right here with you," He continued like he never stopped talking, his stretched out hand not dropping, even for one second. "Whatever happens, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, Hilary. We are still doing this together, you hear me?"
I found myself nodding, holding every one of his words to my heart.
"Do you trust me?" He asked, his eyes steadily on mine.
"I do." I answered in a heartbeat.
"Then, take a step." He said.
And like my body recognized his voice, all the way to the sole of my feet, it needed his command. Without anymore hesitation, I look a step.
Oh lord!
Taking that first step felt different from taking a usual step. It was unsteady and uncertain, like an eleven month's old child taking her first step ever, but I was doing it. And as unsteady as it was, I felt a wave of energy coursing through my bones and holding me up.
It felt like life was returning to my legs.
Vibrations coursed through me like volts of electricity as soon as my feet touched the ground, and I shivered. I wasn't sure if I shivered like that because the ground was extra cold, or because of what taking this step really meant.
Progress.
It was just one step out of what might be ten or fifteen steps to get to the pool, but it was something. It felt like something.
"Come on, girl," Simi urged me on. "You can do it. You can keep doing it. Just take another step, okay? Take another step."
And I did.
I took the second step closer to the pool, my heavy breathing coming out in puffs and pants, loud enough that it echoed through the backyard. But that was the only way I could keep my breathing steady and controlled.
Third step.
Simi's encouraging words urged me on
Fourth step.
Fifth step.
"Good girl," He continued to edge me on, the encouraging smile playing on his lips giving me the morale to push further.
I took the sixth step. But that sixth step was accompanied by something I didn't expect, something I didn't bargain for, especially with the progress I've made so far to this stage.
An influx of flashbacks. Just bits and pieces but I could hear our voices, our laughter right before.
Mine and Henry's.
I stopped abruptly in my steps and closed my eyes tight, shaking my head vigorously to get rid of the blurry pictures before they materialized into something clearer, something I might not be able to easily get rid of.
But it wasn't working.
"Hilary?" Simi's concerned voice tried sipping it but it trailed off as my mind automatically started making the pictures clearer.
More vivid.
God, no...
...The loud hunk that alerted our senses...
...Henry making a turn to avoid being hit by the truck...
No. Not now. Please not now.
"Hilary! Can you hear me!" Simi's voice called again, this time his voice firmer and sharper.
I didn't need anyone to tell me that he was trying to snap me out of whatever this was, whatever negativity my mind was trying to conjure up. But yet again, his voice trailed off as more of the pictures became clearer, continuing from where it stopped
...But it was too much. The turn was too much...
...We swerved completely off the road, tired shrieking loudly on the asphalt, definitely causing track marks...
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
"Hilary, snap out of it!" Simi's voice again, calling out to me with more urgency. It was clear, but it all sounded so distant.
So far away.
"I-It's h-happening a-again," I called back out to him, my voice quivering and sounding just as distant as his, even to my ears.
"You have to fight it!"
"I'm trying! I need it to get out!" I clasped my hand over my ears, whimpering.
...My screams...
Noise. So much noise...
"Listen to me!"
Simi bellowed, his voice coming out with so much depth and power, causing a crack in the wall of doubt and fear that my mind has started to build up. His voice wasn't as clear as it normally would be, but it was loud enough to sip through it noise in my head.
"Shut the noise out and focus on my voice. Only my voice." He said to me, his voice still a little distant. The fog in my mind started to close up but I shook my head again to clear them.
This time, it worked.
"Don't think about that night, Hilary," He continued. "You and your brother had many beautiful memories before that and you shouldn't let that one bad memory ruin all the amazing moments you shared with him.–"
His voice was getting clearer with every word, causing more and more cracks in the wall of self-doubt and fear, clearing out the fog layer by layer, reducing the noise to mere incoherent whispers.
"–Focus on the many good moments you shared with Henry, Hilary. Not the one bad moment. Can you do that for me?–
Can you do that for yourself?"
"I can try," I answered in a barely audible whisper, not sure if Simi even heard me.
"Then try," He said, an indication that he did hear me loud here. "Take another step as you think about all the beautiful moments you have shared with Henry. I'm right here. Come on."
I took in a deep breath, keeping my eyes close as I willed my mind to travel back in time to every moment I shared with Henry before the accident. Every Beautiful Moment.
"That's how you'll slack all my hoodies.."
Seventh step
"Are you trying to call me fat!"
Eighth step.
"It's you that said it with your own mouth o. Not me."
Ninth step.
"Agba swimmer! The next Simone Manuel!"
"Henry, stop whining me!"
Tenth step.
"This is not whines, Hilary, it's a fact. If no one tells you enough, you know I will. You are an amazing swimmer, baby sis. Don't ever sell yourself short."
A small, breathy laugh escaped my lips as I took a steadier, more confident step closer to the water.
"You are doing great, baby," Simi's soft voice hyped me. I could hear the smile- the pride in his voice and it gave me even more confidence. "Take another."
I took another step, reverting my mind to one last moment. Our final moment together right before the accident.
..."You are so disgusting, Henry," I told him when I recovered from my shock. He still wouldn't stop laughing.
"I just wanted to make sure na. Big brother duties, you know." He defended and I glared at him, though I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my lips.
"You are a fish," I told him.
"And you are a monkey." He retorted and I laughed, feeling free of the earlier guilt. Henry, just as always, found a way to get rid of the tense environment.
He was such an angel.
Yes, He is an Angel. My Angel.
"Are you sure mum and dad won't find out about this?" I asked, nervousness sipping back into my voice. Henry chuckled, shaking his head.
"I told them we were going out for a drive before I left the house. They think you are with me right now and technically, you are." He glanced back at the road again before looking at me, a contagious smile spreading across his lips. I heaved a deep sigh of relief, smiling as I reached over and squeezed his thigh.
"You are the best," I told him, meaning every word and he smirked. I wouldn't trade being his sister for anything else. The way he looked out for me, no one could ever look out for me or protect me the way he did. He was a big brother and he did his job very well.
"I know." He was feeling himself and I laughed, shaking my head at him.
Fourteenth step
"I love you," I said and he grinned, a wide grin that registered in my mind forever.
"I love you too, you Monkey."...
My feet landed on the first step inside the pool, and my eyes at the feeling of water on my skin. I stared at my leg in the shallow water for a moment, my eyes widened and my mouth agape with my breath coming out in pants.
Then, I looked at Simi.
He was also looking at me buried ankle-deep in water, a deep breath leaving his lips as a smile made its way to his lips.
"I'm in," I breathed out.
"You are in," He repeated, the smile still playing on his lips that I couldn't help but smile back, shivering a little bit at how freezing the water was.
"But you have to be all the way in," He continued. "You don't need to dive in, and you don't need to be fully submerged. All you need to do is feel the water around you and welcome it, not fight against it. You need to remember why you fell in love with swimming in the first place."
I nodded, exhaling shakily as my eyes fluttered close. Then I made another move down the stairs, dipping further into the pool where water rose to my hips.
Why did I fall in love with swimming in the first place?
Because the first time I entered the water, I was one with it. I didn't need anyone to teach me before I learned how to swim at the age of seven, didn't need a personal instructor. Either in the small confines of a pool or the large body of an ocean, everything about the water was peaceful and tranquil.
Safe.
And I want to feel that same peace and safety that I felt the first time.
"Ease into it, Hilary," Simi whispered. "You are almost there."
And ease I did as I got to the last stairs, causing the water to rise to my waist level.
...First position for swimming; female category goes to Hilary Idara Eghosa...
...There is no better person to represent the school other than Hilary. Do you know how many medals and trophies she has won for us...
...You are Phenomenal...
I pushed myself for the final time till my feet weren't being supported or hoisted by anything, freeing myself into the water gradually, my breath shuddering. The water was cold, stabbing every pore of my body and turning my breath into mist.
But I welcomed it.
It was so familiar, feeling all of that without having flashbacks and panic attacks. It's exactly what I remembered swimming to feel like.
A shaky, breathless laugh escaped me as I eased further and further into the water, gliding and floating like my body remembered to... like my body missed doing that. Tears began to well up in my eyes and my lungs felt like bursting with so much happiness.
So much joy.
I've missed what being in the water feels like.
I opened my eyes to look at Simi and found him already smiling. A wide, big smile played on his lips as he stared back at me with so much pride twinkling in his beautiful eyes. And when he stretched his hands out to me, I didn't need him to spell it out
I floated to him as fast as I could, flapping my legs the way I remembered to. And as soon as I got to him, I practically threw myself at him, bursting into immediately his hands wrapped around me to steady my body against his.
"It's okay." He cooed softly, his hands running through my back in a soothing caress. "I've got you." He added in a gentle whisper that made me cry even more.
He didn't stop me. He let me because he knew these weren't just any kind of tears. These were tears of joy, for the first time in a while.
"I did it."
I mumbled between tears against his shoulder, wrapping my hand tighter around his neck but not enough to strangle him. He chuckled lightly, his chest rumbling against mine.
"You did." He answered. "You really did, baby." I giggled at the pet name he imputed. Whether it was consciously or not, I had no idea, but I liked it very much when he called me that.
"Thank you Simi," I whispered. "Thank you so much for everything."
'Thank you' would never be enough for everything Simi has done- everything he has sacrificed.
"Hey, look at me."
Simi made me raise my head from his shoulder so that I could look at him properly. I met his eyes with my teary ones and he sighed, bringing his free hand to my face and cleaning my tears away daintily with his thumb.
Then he held my face with his free hand, keeping my gaze on him and him alone.
"This is all you, Hilary," He said. "Maybe I helped out just a little bit but it's still all you. You did so well on your own. You did all the work, and you were so determined and focused. Because of that, see what you have achieved.–
It might seem like just one step but trust me, it's a mile. You fought so hard for this, and now you are winning. God, you have no idea how proud I am of you."
His words touched the deepest part of my heart and the core of my soul, where they are needed the most, and warmed me right up. I chuckled, adjusting my hands around his neck.
"You always have your way with words," I said to him. He smirked.
"Only with you." He winked. I laughed, using one hand to scoop water and splash on him, telling him how corny he sounded. He gasped dramatically, doing the same thing to me and I shrieked in excitement, trying to shield myself from the freezing water.
Soon, we were laughing, wrapped up in each other's embrace right there in the middle of his pool, enjoying the cool evening breeze.
That was until I really how closely I was clinging to Simi.
Amid all the craziness, I had no idea that I was latched into him like a literal spider monkey, hand around his neck and legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't seem the least bit concerned about our position.
Or maybe he just doesn't realize how tightly locked we were; body to body.
Skin to Skin...
This position was intimate on so many levels. And though Simi and I have been testing the waters with these levels of intimacy, this was a lot more than we have ever tried. In this position, I could feel him... and I'm sure he could feel me too.
Just the single thought of that had my heart picking up the beat and every single hair on my body standing at attention.
"I hope I'm not crushing you with my weight?" I joked with a teasing smile, mentally applauding myself for not stumbling on my words or sounding as breathless as my lungs felt.
Simi looked at me, his head bobbing to the side thoughtfully.
"Weight?" He asked, his voice suddenly dropping an octave lower, and his eyes droopy... seductive.
My breath caught in my throat.
All of a sudden, he made a move with his hand that had my body flushing even more into his, eliciting a small yelp from me. If he was sitting down, I would be straddling him; that was the kind of position we were in right now.
"Not at all," he continued to speak like he never stopped, his voice coming out throaty and raspy, a very sinful combination.
Dear God...
"I'm very comfortable with this position. Are you not?" He asked, bringing his face closer to mine and tilting his head to the side, a move that made the tip of his nose brush against mine.
An involuntary gasp escaped my lips.
"Are you not?" He repeated the question. I nodded my head, unable to form anything coherent in my head.
"Are you sure? I could drop..." He trailed off, doing it again. He brushed the tip of his nose with mine, but this time he was so close, almost brushing our lips too.
I held my breath, my mouth suddenly becoming dry. I could legit feel our breath mixing, and my mind started running on wheels.
What would it feel like to be kissed by him?
"Do you want me to stop?"
When you are not mad.
"No." My answer came faster than I intended, and I internally smacked myself for sounding so wanton.
It's Adam that has turned you to this, Hilary. Adam! My subconscious snickered at me.
Every single thought in my head stopped when Simi let out a deep, labored breath before burying his head in my neck. I exhaled shakily when I felt his hand on my back clutch in a desperate fist on my trunks. It felt like he was trying to restrain himself from doing something.
And I only understood when he made his next statement.
"God, I want you so bad."
And that knocked the breath right out of me.
This wasn't the first time he'd be saying it to me, and it wasn't like I didn't already know long before he even said it. But there was something critical about this moment that made those words more powerful than they have ever sounded.
Full of depth.
Simi lifted his head from my neck and pressed his forehead to mine.
"I'm sorry," He let out breathlessly. "This isn't the right time–"
I don't give a damn.
"It's okay," I whispered back instead, sounding just as breathless as he was.
"I don't want to scare you." He said.
"You can never scare me away," I assured him, promised him.
Everything about Simi was so deep, so heartfelt. He was such a hard lover and the way he expresses himself shakes me to the core. I have never met a guy as open and as proud about their feelings as Simi. He was always so eager to remind me what he felt about me.
This was enough to make me fall harder and harder with each passing day for him.
The moment was ruined when Simi's phone began to ring and he had to answer it. He kissed me on the forehead, telling me he will be right back before getting out of the pool, leaving me to enjoy the water while staring at him taking the call.
But that moment, yet again, was short-lived when Simi, while on the phone call turned around and made eye contact with me.
Something is wrong. I noted immediately.
There was something suddenly off about his aura, something different about his demeanor. His entire mood was different, not a good kind, and I was certain it had something to do with what... or rather, who was at the other end of the call.
I glided as fast as I could to the edge of the water, just as he finished his call.
"Hey, is everything okay?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, but I have to be somewhere right now." I didn't want to think in that direction but it felt like he just avoided my question.
Now that's strange.
"That's okay," I answered. "But is everything alright?" I asked again, maybe he'll answer me this time.
But he didn't speak. There was a restrain in his look like he wanted to say something but kept hesitating. When he finally did something, he only shook his head.
"You should get out of the water. It's freezing," he said, helping me out and then wrapping a thick white bathrobe around me for warmth. "I'll drop you off." He added monotonously.
Yup.
Something is definitely wrong.
𝐀/𝐍
Who did Simi speak to that ruined the mood like this for God sake 😭? Just when we thought everything was getting better🥲. I really want to hear your theories in the comment session.
Hilary has finally made a big break! I feel so proud of her for pushing herself to this extent. She doesn't want to be held back by fear anymore, and I admire her for that. Look at Simi being husband material one million yards 😌🔥.
And look at them being all touchy touchy🌚. If all this is happening when they are not official, what will na happen when they are? I can't wait o😭🔥🥵. But then, with what we just saw now, it's like the end of Hilary's troubles is the beginning of Simi's.
It is well💀.
We'll just be having two updates this week. The second update will come either on Friday or on Saturday because I'm still working on it. So stay tuned to know what's up with Simi... and who called him, and why.
Till then, you know the drill. Kisses 😘.