"There's one more thing that I want." Jungwon's voice faded into a mix of sweetness and allure, sending shivers down the girl's spine. Shaking her head as if it would shake off the feeling, she scoffed.
"How greedy." She had a light smile on her face, her fingers trembling from coldness. She was trying hard to play cool how flustered she had been, "You have so much already. You want more?"
"I would give everything up in a heartbeat..." He quickly responded, without wait or hesitation. He was sure of it and she could feel it in her bones, "If that means I get to have this one thing."
"Jungwon, you are so weird." She grinned before bursting out laughing, "As if I could ever afford to buy you that one thing—"
He couldn't help but smile to himself, his nervousness remaining, "No, you don't understand. It doesn't cost a thing, I promise. It's something only you can do for me."
Her eyes widened, her laughter dying down in a snap. Now the girl had no choice but to swallow down the dire feeling unfolding in the depths of her stomach. It was obvious on her face that she wasn't sure what he was trying to tell her, "What do you mean?"
She thought she knew what Jungwon was implying. But every time that thought crossed her mind, a thought that was very, very wrong and very similar to a feeling she wanted to ignore - pretend as though it didn't exist, her mind would shut down all of her expectations and hopes, crushing them till they became dust.
"Wait...Jungwon, don't tell me—"
"You are going to say that I'm just playing around. That I don't mean it. But believe me, Ji, this has been weighing on my mind for a while now..."
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Was it his own heartbeat? Or was it hers?
Her heart gave up.
Maybe she did know what he was about to say to her.
But her consciousness didn't let her believe it no matter what.
"Don't." She warned him quickly, breathless.
She gasped when she felt salty tears blurring her visions, "Please just— Whatever you are going to say, don't—" The girl didn't want him to continue. Whatever he wanted to tell her, she knew she didn't want to hear it.
Without knowing, she started to hold her breath hoping to be able to take in each of his words even more careful. Her heart was beating, her pulse was coming in hot waves, shaking her awake.
Her mind hasn't completely picked up what he was trying to tell her yet, but her heart did. And they were fighting.
"Ji, I..."
"Don't say it." The girl shook her head.
"Look up for me."
Before she could resist, she had already obeyed.
"Do you see them?" He continued. Jungwon was careful. He would put his attention on her, both his hands gently on her shoulders to turn her body towards him.
"What? Are you talking about the stars?" She would speak through tears. She didn't know why she was crying — why it felt like her heart was set on fire. But it hurt, "Jungwon, I'm not in the mood to play games right now."
He remained unfazed, "All these stars. Their number is endless. Something you can see, but will never touch. Something you can't picture. So close, but yet so far."
"Jungwon, stop talking in riddles and get to the fucking point. I swear." She cursed through tears, her whole body trembling as she put her hand on her chest. She didn't know what was wrong with her body. Her heart hurt, "If you continue like this, I can't take it, I really can't."
"My feelings for you are just the same, Ji. Just like those stars we gaze upon so often." Jungwon spoke with control, a big contrast to everything that was going on inside him. How much he practiced his speech, at home when he was about to fall asleep, but eventually impractical, "I have feelings for—"
Then, her heart exploded, feeling the blood in her veins heat up, "You don't." The girl's eyes were filled with desperation and tears. Her heart was on the ground, still beating rapidly, threatening to stop, "You don't mean it."
Now it was her turn to hold his shoulders, piercing her nails into his skin, attempting to stop him.
Prevent him from continuing.
To no avail.
"I love you." Despite how harsh she was on him, the boy's hand was wrapped around hers gently, "I love you with my whole being, Ji. With everything I have. My heart, it belongs to you. I belong to you— My feelings for you are true. I...swear they are."
"Jungwon." The voice came out hoarse.
Speechless. Like her vocal chords were ripped out of her throat, taking away her chance to deny and push him away.
So, her biggest fear came true.
And with that, the whole sky fell in on her small figure, immediately suffocating her. All those stars, those endless stars that always seemed so, so far and out of her reach, would pierce through her skin. Each leaving a scar on her vulnerable body. A body not meant for stars to touch.
There was nothing she could do to fight it.
Now there really was someone.
Someone that might mourn for her.
Someone that would actually visit her grave. Leave flowers. Shed tears. Stay till the sun sets, stay way too long to her own liking.
And the worst thing: that someone had the power of actually making her question all of her previous decisions.
Someone that made her feel guilt. Regret.
Two things that she tried to ignore and pretend as if it never existed.
"Jungwon." Was it really her voice that spoke?
After endless sobbing and difficult breathing, she shakily replied, "I will never be someone you love."
She ripped out his heart without mercy.
"That's not true. I know I love you. I know it. I'm not mistaken." The boy slightly raised his voice.
"I can never make you happy."
"A lie!" He knew best how happy she made him the past few months. He didn't expect reciprocation right away but this, this was so much worse than every rejection he could imagine.
"I will never be healthy enough. Or stable or..or sane. Jungwon, I'm a walking corpse."
"Ji." He spoke through gritted his teeth, "Stop."
Jungwon wasn't sure if he wanted her to stop because she was hurting herself with her own words or if he was the one in pain. Probably both.
"You saw me!" The girl screeched, trying to shut her ears from all the voices in her head, saying the most horrendous things, "Things will never be enough for you. We will never be able to do all the things you want and imagine in a real and healthy relationship, Jungwon."
The thought of her taking away his chance of being in an actual relationship and breaking his heart with how unwell she currently was — she couldn't take it.
Jungwon will get over it.
He will eventually get over all those feelings he might feel for her right now.
Maybe it is just pity.
Or maybe there is love.
But he will get over it.
She wouldn't dare to trap him in her own misery.
She would rather die, if she didn't plan on doing so anyway.
"I love you." Jungwon repeated, his heart trying to reach her, "I love you so much."
Ji tried to shake her head, wanting to scream at him to snap out of it.
But then again everybody sane enough would see that she reciprocated everything, every little feeling he confessed to her.
Because she loved him too.
She loved him just as much, knowing that she probably loved him a little more than he did.
And how much she needed him.
But this wasn't right.
She was going to take him down with her.
"I don't—"
"I don't need you to return my feelings or say it back." He quickly reassured, his throat hurting, his lashes wet, "I came here determined to finally be able to express my love for you. I don't expect anything, do you understand? I just needed you to know why I'm doing this. All of it. It's not because I take pity on you. I need you in my life, Ji, that is why."
"Leave."
"No, Ji—"
"We have to stop seeing each other from now on. I want you gone from my life. If you don't leave, I will be the one to." The girl thought her voice came out as strong.
Jungwon held her hand, he didn't know why, but he did. Probably because he was scared that she would actually stand up and leave, "You don't mean that." His voice was brittle.
How much he knew she lied. How he saw through her facade of anger and disgust, her lies and pain.
But oh, did it hurt him too.
"Jungwon, I am not in the right mind to be in a relationship!" She blurted out, anger and fear shown on her face.
"We don't need to be in a relationship." He practically begged her not to leave, "I just needed you to know. I had to tell you or else I would have gone insane, Ji. Nothing has to change between us. I just need you to let me love you. Let me stay with you."
"I can't let you do that."
"Then I will wait till you let me."
"What if you have to wait forever? What if I never get better?" Her eyes were burning.
With tears. With anger, "You do not know what you are saying. You have to rethink—"
"No, I don't. I don't need to rethink anything." Jungwon started to grow angry, but tried to hold himself back, "I've managed to wait for you once and I will do it again."
"Think about your career! Your life as an idol!"
"In my entire career, I never once voiced out what I really want. I never once said what I really felt. I had to work on myself, pretend to be fine and happy so I could enter any parasocial relationships with ease and make everyone believe that I was perfect." His eyes traced her entire frame, his eyes filled with broken love and his own pain, "But with you, I could finally breathe. I've never been so sure about what I want and what I feel. This, this is what I want. All the love I've ever received as an idol will never be enough to replace the love I have for you. I can never give up on you, Ji."
The industry was cruel, she knew that.
But hearing him speak as though he was ready to give everything up for her, including his career that he worked so hard for, moved and scared her at the same time.
The girl stayed quiet, her eyes looking at his heavenly ones. She saw her own reflection, ugly from all the crying, hurt, broken, a mess.
She was trying so hard to run away from her feelings and his.
But it was to no use.
"Stop me right away..." She grabbed his collar with both her cold hands, staring at his slightly parted lips, "if this is not what you want."
What has gotten into her? Ji didn't know. She didn't know anything. Her mind was completely demolished and wrecked, there was nothing left that could help her make decisions that were rational enough so she wouldn't regret it the next day.
The girl trembled from head to toe, slowly leaning forward as if she was afraid that he would reject her any second.
She saw how his surprised eyes first widened then turned fascinated in mere seconds. She felt watched, every movement of hers would feel like hours passing.
Now it was their world only.
She continued to close the gap between her and the boy with hesitation and with speed lower than ever, which was starting to crush not only her but also him.
That's when she suddenly felt his hand behind her back, seemingly attempting to speed up the process.
It was too cold, her mind was too defeated for her to control the force she had on him and how she might have hurt him with her hands tightly grabbing his collar.
But before she could worry about that, she heard him whisper, "Don't hold back."
And the next moment she had already crashed her lips on his with eyes tightly closed, trying to fight any coldness that was left between the two individuals that yearned for feeling and life.
The moment her lips touched his, the boy would return the favor, his arm behind her back tightening immediately to make sure he wouldn't lose her.
Not now or ever.
The kiss was nowhere near passion, but was full of hurt. Unspoken pain that could be never put in words.
But then there was love.
The girl thought she would get lost in his lips before getting lost in his eyes and she felt like crying and laughing and screaming all at once.
Jungwon held her. He held her with so much safety and security and she felt so safe that she wanted to kiss him till she took her last breath if it meant she would feel this amount of comfort all her life.
She didn't want to die.
Right in this moment, on this cold night, on top of drenched grass, underneath stars and moon, she told herself that she didn't want to die.
She didn't want to lose the feeling of him holding her and caressing her and loving her so gently ever.
That's why a sudden wave of anxiousness and panic hit her when she noticed that he stopped for a short moment, only for him to adjust by turning his head the other way and putting his hand on the side of her face to pull her closer to him as softly as possible.
His lips felt right. And she felt so right in his arms.
The boy's stomach was full of butterflies that were trying to escape, savagely thwacking against his organs, taking away his ability to breathe.
They kissed.
And loved.
And they would have continued if the sudden necessary to breathe didn't set in.
Maybe there was a hug afterwards
and maybe he did caress her hair,
but the moon would only witness pure love that very night.
Because that was all they ever wanted.
And all they ever needed.
(a/n: Y'ALL last chapter was full of foreshadowings who noticed???🤭 also I'm sorry for the lack of updates, I promise I won't abandon this book but it feels like I could count with one hand only the amount of people who still actually care about this book
or maybe it's just my brain trying to justify my inactivity🤭 idk you tell me)
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'·. please vote and comment if you enjoyed reading this chapter<3 ★°*ﾟ