Ao'nung could remember the times as a child when he was much younger when he had once believed Eywa to be benevolent and compassionate to all her children. But now... Now all he could think of was how cruel of a mother she was.
What mother would ask this of her children? How could this all be part of a greater, worthy purpose? Was this torment all a part of the plan she was playing out? And why, why them? She had already taken so much, why take this final thing?
Why could he not live in his denial for a while longer?
Once they had returned to the festival, Lo'ak, Tsireya, and Rotxo had been there waiting for them. Lo'ak was pissed, and he immediately began to yell at Ao'nung, questioning him why he had taken Kiri away during the festival, despite his older sister trying to shut the teenager up and explain that they both had just needed some time away.
Though Ao'nung stayed silent, even when Tsireya had gently tried to coax his own words out for an answer, even when Rotxo had slugged his shoulder playfully, trying to lighten the mood so the man would speak.
But he stayed silent, there was no use for words.
Not at a time like this.
So, he merely pushed passed the pissed-off teenager, ignoring his taunts and questions as he left, not even turning around when he heard Tsireya's footsteps follow him urgently, worriedly. And how guilty he felt about that. How dare he make his little sister worry. But here he was, doing just that.
How cruel of him.
"Ao'nung!" Tsireya called after her brother, finally catching up to his powerful strides, grabbing at his arm to stop him, or at least slow him down, though he didn't falter his pace, continuing forward without a goal or reason as his sister then held onto his arm to make sure she could keep up with him.
"Brother, please! What is happening to you!?" Tsireya questioned urgently, worry so clear in her voice and expression as she jumped in front of the hunter and shoved his chest, pushing him back to finally make him stop.
"I'm just going to make sure Notevi is enjoying herself," Ao'nung stated blandly, not fooling the younger for a minute as she then stepped forward and hugged her brother tightly, being sure to squeeze around his shoulders snuggly to prove a silent point that he would not be allowed to go anywhere without giving the girl her answers.
Sighing, he wrapped his arms loosely around the younger's torso, resting his chin on top of her head as she began to rub his back reassuringly. "Just talk to me Ao'nung, I am here for you, big brother. I know you don't like it, but you must allow yourself to be weak, at least with me." Tsireya urged as Ao'nung sighed heavily once again, this time looking up to the stars with a silent prayer to Eywa to give him the explanation she wanted without having to say what was truly going on.
Because how could he?
He had no right to feel as broken as he did, not about this.
He was not the one to lose a sibling, or a son, all he lost was a dream, a hope for a future that was not meant to be.
He had no right to feel so heartbroken.
And he had no right to lay those wrongful emotions down upon his sister, not when she and Lo'ak were happy together, not when everyone seemed to finally be healing, even Kiri.
"I... I suppose my mind has been stuck on the past recently, so I've been reflecting as of late. And Kiri was having some shock to the liveness of the festival, so we just went out for a ride yesterday and tonight to clear our heads." Ao'nung answered, relieved that he could find his voice and keep it level enough to give a believable answer.
"I am happy that you had someone there Ao'nung, but that is not what I meant. What I am worried about is what are you blaming yourself for this time. What past events are you blaming yourself for?" Tsireya questioned gently, only making Ao'nung's eyes widen in shock at the bluntness.
Though he supposed he shouldn't be that surprised, this was Tsireya, his little sister who could read him better than most, the one who he confided in more than anyone else, and the one who held him in comfort when it was not his turn to hold her.
Laughing brokenly, he relented. There was no point in lying to his sister, not when she knew almost everything. "I suppose I'm just not ready to let go of some things, moving on is painful isn't it?" Ao'nung sighed while Tsireya nodded slowly, still looking at her brother questioningly for an explanation.
Though Ao'nung merely let her go as he motioned for her to follow him, the two heading to the man's singular Marui, having moved out almost immediately after earning his first tattoo as an official hunter and protector of the tribe.
"Who are you not ready to let go of yet?" Tsireya questioned as she took a seat among the few blankets that Ao'nung kept in the corner of his home, hardly ever put to use, though they were gifts from their mother and Tsireya, so he didn't dare part with them.
Sighing sadly, Ao'nung knelt beside the tucked-away weapons he kept near his bedspread, chuckling when he heard Tsireya scoff at the slew of weaponry he kept so close to himself even as he slept.
Slowly, he motioned for her to come closer, the girl following the silent request as she allowed herself to fall gracefully onto her knees next to him, trying to look over his shoulder for what it was that he now held in his hand.
"I'm not ready to let go of the one I made this for..." Ao'nung smiled sadly, opening his palm to reveal a woven neckpiece with beads woven into the strands with a seashell at its center. Though Tsireya knew exactly what it was inherently immediately.
Gasping in both shock and slight worry, the girl looked between her brother's passive expression and the accessory that looked as though it had not been touched nor seen in years, dust covering the seashell and beads while the woven strands of the neckpiece still looked completely fresh, not yet worn and stretched from being worn.
"A-Ao'nung... who?" Tsireya questioned worriedly, placing a hand on her brother's shoulder as she watched emotions fly across the older's face, ranging from anger to grief all in one motion that only made the girl's heart wrench further for the man.
"He's gone now Tsireya... It does not matter anymore; I must let go." Ao'nung sighed hoarsely, shaking his head at himself as he willed away the tears that sprung from the pain in his chest.
Though Tsireya quickly wrapped her arms around her brother, hugging him tightly as she pulled the man to sit on his backside and lean against her, allowing her to see his expression and the neckpiece better.
"Ao'nung... Regardless, I ask that you tell me, let me help you brother." Tsireya practically begged, though reframing from using her normal begging tactics.
Though the hunter merely stayed silent, his expression falling passive once more as he used his thumb to wipe away the dust on the seashell and beads. "When did you make it? It's lovely." Tsireya complimented softly, turning her focus to comb her fingers through her brother's hair. As normal most of it was held in a tight bun, only to spill out a bit and from the bottom over his back and shoulders, his hair nearly as long as hers.
"I made it three years ago," Ao'nung answered quietly as if uttering when the accessory was made would cause it to fall to pieces, despite it being the perfect condition, if not a little dusty.
"Three years?" Tsireya reverberated the statement softly to herself, trying with all of her might to think of someone that had either left the clan or passed that could have been special enough to her brother to warrant his decision in making such an accessory.
Though after a few beats of silence yet hurried thinking, Tsireya's eyes flew open wide as she looked down at the man whose head rested on her thigh, still staring at the trinket with a passive if not grieving expression.
Tears sprung to her eyes at the realization, a choked sob leaving her as she hugged her brother tighter, holding him closely in hopes to push the comfort she wished for him into his heart through her affection.
"I'm so sorry my brother, I'm so sorry." Tsireya apologized sincerely, tears pushing past her borders as Ao'nung sat up, allowing the girl to hug him better as she forced him to hunch his back to tuck his face into her shoulder, still trying her best to convey all the sympathy she felt for him.
Laughing weakly, he patted the back of her head, running his hand down to the middle of her back to rub soothing circles while the younger only squeezed him once more. "You don't need to comfort me, Tsireya. I have accepted it. I must." Ao'nung sighed, though the girl merely raised his head as she cupped his face, gently stretching the skin around his eyes, allowing the tears he forced himself to hold back to fall freely as they stung his eyes, not allowing him the chance to hide them once again.
"And you shouldn't hold in this grief, Ao'nung. I'm sorry I didn't notice, but please, do not force yourself to let go if you are not ready. You have every right to grieve, you have every right to be hurt." Tsireya stated unwaveringly, despite the slight shake in her voice and the tears that only continued to well up in her eyes from the empathy she had for her brother's pain.
"I must Tsireya..." Ao'nung sighed shakily, watching with slight disdain as his tears dropped onto the shell of the accessory.
"No... No, Ao'nung. If you are not ready don't force yourself. Everything, the clan, our family, our friends, and myself, we can all wait. Do not do this to yourself because you worry for us." Tsireya stated urgently, Ao'nung almost laughing at the order. It was true, if this had been the circumstance where he had to do this for his clan, for his family and friends, there wouldn't be a doubt in his mind that he would force himself to do it then as well.
It would hurt worse if it was his family and friends, he'd have to do it for.
But regardless he would still do it.
He would let go of what he has already lost and still longs for if it meant he could keep the ones he still has safe and happy.
"That is not the reason Tsireya..." Ao'nung sighed, wiping away his tears while the girl tried once again to gently stretch the skin around his eyes to force any more tears that could possibly come.
Though there were no more tears left to cry.
His heart was already shattered, it had already given up.
Because there was nothing more he could do, this was Eywa's will, this was the path that she, the great mother, had for him.
He had no room, no right, and no will to argue.
To still pine after and long for a dead man was pathetic in itself, a part of him knew this could be Eywa's way of forcing him to move on, to allow himself to be better.
Though something told him that he would not like this new him, this new version of himself without even the slightest reminder of what once was, or what could have been if he had not been such a coward.
And that's what he still was because he couldn't even bring himself to utter his name.
He couldn't even look someone in the eyes when his name was mentioned, he couldn't bring his mouth and his treacherous tongue to say his name, to hold that name once again. Because he knew it would hurt. He knew that the name that once tasted like honey on his tongue, would now taste sour and bitter.
What a coward he was.
"Then what are you doing this for Ao'nung? What could possibly be the reason to put yourself through this? Is it worth it?" Tsireya questioned sadly, and Ao'nung felt another part of his heartbreak.
No.
No this was not worth it.
Going to the spirit tree, helping Kiri, helping Eywa, helping Doctor Grace.
Was not worth it.
Forcing himself to watch another damn funeral for the one he lost as his little sister cried for him at Ao'nung's side.
That was not worth it.
Forcing himself to bury the only part of him that was left for his family.
That was not worth it.
And now...
Now forcing himself to let go of the final thing, to let go of all he had left, letting go of the piece of his heart, of what felt like his very soul.
This was not worth it.
And the reason?
There was no reason.
All this pain.
Was for a reason unknown to him, was all for the great mother who he could only wonder how she could be so cruel. It was all for the worthiness of an unknown spectator that Ao'nung could not bring himself to worry about.
Because this was not worth it.
And yet he was still doing it.
He was letting go of the one he still longs for.
All for a reason he didn't know of, all for a reason he hadn't even truly tried to fight to get.
What a coward he was.
"I truly wish I had an answer for those questions..." Ao'nung sighed tiredly, his heart already drained of his will, of his composure, he felt like jumping into the ocean, letting the waves crash against him, and just allowing himself to return to the sea.
He was so tired.
But hasn't that been the norm now for over three years?
Constantly tired, never having the will or energy to do more than what was required of him?
The constant emptiness inside of himself that wouldn't allow him to sleep some nights, the constant reminders of what once was every time he went near three brothers' cliffs.
A part of himself was surprised to realize just how tired he truly was, how unmotivated and empty he felt. It had been as if he had been running on autopilot for years now.
How had he only just noticed?
"If you do not have the answer, why still do it? Why not wait until you have that answer?" Tsireya questioned while Ao'nung finally met the girl's gaze.
Was he seeing her for the first time?
What was this feeling in his chest?
Sorrow?
Grief?
Revelation?
He had no answers to give, he barely could feel his own heartbeat in his chest, but still. Something snapped in place at that one moment, it all clicked together.
He still didn't want to give it up, he still didn't want to do this.
But suddenly, he felt the surge of urgency that came at the idea, that came with the premonition of truly letting go.
How cruel.
"I'm afraid there are some things that we do not have the answers to give," Ao'nung stated softly, that old tiredness seeping into his bones, he felt the past three years of grievance finally wear him down.
Tsireya obviously noticed as well as she grabbed his arm and pulled him to stand, leading him over to his bed as she helped him lay on his back.
It felt as though he was being weighed down.
How could he be so tired so suddenly?
How could three years pass, and his body live on and only now feel the pain?
"Ao'nung... How long has this been harming you?" Tsireya questioned sadly, a knowing look in her eyes that told Ao'nung something was happening he would have to look to her for answers.
"I suppose three years finally caught up to me..." Ao'nung laughed bitterly, gritting his teeth as he tried to keep his eyes open.
He truly didn't want to sleep.
Though when he was able to move his gaze to her, only to see the tears breaking past once more as she sniffled, he forced himself to sit up as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, a silent order to speak what was on her mind.
"Speak your mind Reya, I can handle what is to be said," Ao'nung ordered, though Tsireya only sighed weakly as she pressed her head to her brother's shoulder, a show of sympathy that Ao'nung had witnessed much of in the past three years.
"I think it is best if we discuss it tomorrow, right now, you're tired. You've been tired. You must sleep, brother." Tsireya ordered as she pushed the man down once more to rest, though Ao'nung quickly grabbed the girl's hand as squeezed it reassuringly, only able to give her a small nod amongst his otherwise passive expression.
"I ask you to sleep for now brother... And please, don't give him up just yet..." Tsireya whispered with a gentle kiss to her brother's hand before leaving.
Which only left Ao'nung in the dim light of his Mauri, hardly illuminated by the torches still lit outside for those who were still enjoying the festival late into the night.
And a part of himself missed the times when he had enjoyed this festival. And what emotions he might have felt if he had been able to show him the splendor of his once favorite celebration.
——————————————————————
The next morning came too slow and too quickly all at once.
Grunting from the bright light of the early morning that shone in his eyes, forcing him awake even though the old tiredness had yet to leave him.
So, reluctantly, he went about his normal routine.
As usual, he was one of the first awake, the other few were some of the elders, his father and mother, and a few of the other hunters that would patrol around the reef.
Though as he was about to head to the stables where most of the Ilu and Skimwing rested to go join the rest of the early morning hunting party, he was yanked back by his hair that was not held up in his bun.
Shouting in aggravation, he spun around to glare down at the offender, only to huff in annoyance at the sight of Lo'ak, sporting a pissed-off expression that likely matched Ao'nung's. Weren't they getting too old for these petty fights? And Ao'nung was still tired, couldn't the little punk leave him be for the time being?
"What were you doing with Kiri yesterday, and the day before, why have you two been sneaking off together?" Lo'ak questioned sternly as if he had just caught Ao'nung in some sort of scheme.
The older scoffed and rolled his eyes, truly Lo'ak wasn't questioning his and Kiri's relationship. But then the idea truly came upon the older man, in all honesty, he could understand why it was questionable. They were acting the same way Lo'ak and Tsireya had when they had attempted to keep their relationship a secret.
Oh, dear Eywa that comparison only made his stomach lurch.
"Whatever you are thinking is wrong. She needed my help with learning about the festival, and we both happen to have no social battery as of late to stay around the festival for very long, so we just coincidentally ended up together both nights." Ao'nung explain, though he could tell the younger was not as impressed, nor believing his statement.
But it truly couldn't be called a lie. By the time Ao'nung was done with the elders both nights, he truly had no energy to enjoy the festivities. And he could assume Kiri felt the same way.
"Kiri said something similar..." Lo'ak added, Ao'nung scoffing at the disbelief in the teenager's tone. Truly, did he have to be so paranoid of him? He knew he wasn't the best, but surely if both he and Kiri told him the same thing, he'd drop it already.
"Whatever, I am busy." Ao'nung huffed, turning on his heels to head off once again, only for Lo'ak to reach up and try to grab the man by the back of his neck. Only for his wrist to be grabbed and yanked roughly, throwing the younger back a bit as the Metkayina glared at him heatedly for the action.
"I am not afraid to drown you." Ao'nung hissed, though Lo'ak only flipped him off as the hunter's shoulder's relaxed and he sighed dejectedly.
"Tsireya wants to see you, that's the other reason I came to find you, Skxwang," Lo'ak stated, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Fine. But must you be such a little brat all the time? I thought you were getting too old for such things." Ao'nung taunted, noting that the hiss he got in return was more playful that the tone from before.
He could work with that.
Giving a curt nod, Ao'nung headed to the beach, needing no instructions as to where to go to find his sister. And sure enough, sitting on a rock, waiting with an expectant expression, Tsireya locked gazes with him, telling him that shrugging off this conversation would be impossible.
Once he joined her, she smiled sadly, and Ao'nung knew why. The reason was practically burning a hole through the pouch that was tied to the wraps around his torso and waist.
"Brother... we must talk about this," Tsireya stated with urgency that Ao'nung found familiar.
"All right, what is it that bothers you about this?" Ao'nung questioned, watching as Tsireya twiddled her thumbs anxiously and clearly thought over her next words carefully.
"I worry about you forcing yourself to let go..." The girl stated while Ao'nung merely sighed and shook his head. To give her the true reason would mean to break Kiri's trust, it would mean to break his promise, and it would mean that he'd most likely have to disobey Eywa.
It was not a plausible outcome.
So, he could not let it happen.
"It is what must be done," Ao'nung stated with finality, hoping that his sister would take the answer for now until he could come back to truly explain. Though from the ways her ears dropped, and she bit her bottom lip anxiously, Ao'nung could tell this was far from finished.
"Ao'nung... I've been thinking about all of this... You have never been one to fall easily, nor have you ever been one to make discussions without the finality of it all within your spirit..." Tsireya began while Ao'nung nodded along to what she said, it was true, there were rarely if ever at all moments when he'd make a discussion without pondering over it for long periods of time.
"So... You crafting that betrothal necklace... To start a courtship, you had to have thought it over for so long..." Tsireya stated softly, and Ao'nung didn't know why those words made him wince.
It was true, he had thought through it all for months, he had thought through every part of his plan not only for crafting the accessory but for the courtship itself throughout the near year that the Sullys had first arrived.
It had taken him a total of three months to truly finalize his plans.
And it had all been in vain.
"I had." Ao'nung retorted, seeing no reason to lie when the truth was so blatantly obvious.
"And you have never been one to fall for someone easily brother... And you have yet to even turn your gaze to at least one of those who have tried to court you or who have wanted you to court them... Not to mention, ever since that day... you have changed so drastically." Tsireya stated sadly, and Ao'nung felt a slash of guilt within his heart.
Truly he hadn't been that noticeable. He knew that he had been in a terrible state of grievance for months without end where he would hardly utter a word to anyone around him. But surely, he still couldn't have been that obvious.
Not when the entire village had been so focused on defeating the sky people when he hid his silence behind a rageful mask that allowed him the will and strength to fight with the vigor which he had not had in so long.
Especially not when his family and himself tried their best to aid the Sullys in their grief, and he did everything he could to make up for his past mistakes. Despite this fact, he doubted he ever could.
"I have not changed that much..." Ao'nung argued weakly, though by the way Tsireya only frowned at him sadly with so much sympathy that he nearly caved then and there, he knew he was not fooling her.
"Brother... You didn't speak for months, you were constantly training, fighting, and running into any battle you could find. You were murderous, you were rageful, and you were in so much pain." Tsireya stated sadly, reaching out to place her hand on top of her brothers, and Ao'nung's eyes widened at the realization that his little sister knew more than he expected.
"Tsireya..."
"But when it was finally all over when there were no more battles to fight. I thought it would be better for you when you moved into your own Marui, but nothing changed. You still hardly speak. You do nothing for yourself. You move only for the sake of the clan! You're tired." Tsireya cried, tears forming in her eyes once more, despite her stubborn will to hold them back.
She had a point to prove here damn it.
"Tsireya, you don't-."
"I know I do not completely understand you, or your suffering. And for that I apologize Ao'nung, I should have been a better sister. But Ao'nung, last night proved it, especially for me. You are exhausted. You push yourself too hard..." Tsireya shook her head, quickly wiping her tears as she raised her head to meet the man's gaze once more, frowning further when she could see the deep lines underneath his eyes that only proved her statement further.
Oh, how could she have been so blind to not notice before?
What a terrible sister she was.
"Do you remember the stories that mom used to tell us when we were small? The ones where Eywa would connect two souls from birth, two Na'vi destined to be together? And how they would feel a small part of themselves lost until they found them?" Tsireya questioned, though Ao'nung sighed heavily, shaking his head as he raked his free hand across his face.
When this was all over, he would force himself to sleep longer, even if he had to bury himself alive.
"Reya, tell me you do not believe those childish stories..." Ao'nung sighed, though when his hand was squeezed, forcing him to open his eyes to meet his sister's stern gaze, he was sure to listen closely.
"I believe them to be true. And you should as well. Even mom believes it, that is how she describes herself with dad. Now tell me, what did you feel when you and Neteyam met?" Tsireya questioned while Ao'nung winced like a wounded animal at the sound of his name.
How could such a lovely thing hurt so badly?
Though from his reaction, Tsireya's expression only hardened further with worry. "I... I suppose I thought he was weird at first... But I respected him, I... I do not know how to speak of it... Nor do I think this is beneficial." Ao'nung quickly shook off the topic, ignoring the ache in his chest at the memories of those first two months when the Sullys had first arrived.
He'd be a flounder-finned liar if he said that the second he saw him, he didn't feel something. Of course, at the time he thought it was contempt and disdain. But in truth, it was an immediate adoration that would not leave him.
It still hadn't.
"Ao'nung... I think he is... was. Your chosen..." Hearing it. Oh, hearing it hurt so much worse than he could have ever imagined, bowing his head as he drew his hand away from hers, he covered his face with his hands and willed for Eywa to show some mercy.
"Tsireya..."
"Mom told me of the sorrowful tales of those who lost their chosen, even if they were not bonded before Eywa and mates yet. It could still bring them so much pain, it could change them forever..."
"Reya, please..."
"Ao'nung... you must see the signs; I know it is painful. But this is why you should not let go yet. You haven't allowed yourself to heal. You will only be hurt worse. This exhaustion will never go away. It will-." Before she could continue, Ao'nung raised his hand to silence her.
With a shake of his head, he lowered his hand and stood from the rock, ignoring his sister's hand that grabbed at his own, following suit to stand as she hugged him tightly. "It is what must be done... I made a promise, Tsireya. I will uphold it." Ao'nung stated softly, removing himself from his sister while the girl looked at him sadly.
"Could this promise truly be worth so much? Does this promise at least have a reason?" Tsireya questioned urgently, though her brother did not turn his back to face her once again.
"It was the last thing I said, it was the final word. It will be all I have left of him. So, I will not dishonor my promise to Neteyam." Ao'nung stated unwaveringly, and with that, he left.
They would not wait until eclipse.
He didn't think his heart could handle it.