~20~
Dear Diary,
A lot has been happening recently..
I've heard that journaling is supposed to help "clear your mind" and "focus your thoughts", and while I believe that's total bullshit, until I get my phone back I scrounged up a couple of old documents and mail I found around the house to write down what's been going on on the blank spaces of them. This will be messy.
I guess I should start with this house. Santiago is what the guys call it, I personally call it a dump. Upon arrive after hours of endless driving I was met with allergy inducing dust and dirt. This house was in the middle of a desert and has been untouched for years, every inch of it was blanketed in dust particles and cob webs. Not the most welcoming appearance.
Feeling weak enough, Colby had cut up a shirt and made me a mask I could wear for the time being until it all got cleaned up. Running on gas station food, I wasn't in the mood to argue or defend my pride so I spitefully took it and put it on. Since then it's been cleaned but every once and awhile we'd open a new drawer and sneezes and itchy throats plagued us.
Despite its old appearance and questionable structure, the house wasn't ugly. It had two stories which consisted of 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. No front yard, no backyard, just desert. There was a shed, what's in the shed I've yet to find out (I just checked it's full of tools and guns with rusted triggers and a couple of combat weapons) but other than that there's basically nothing. A large boulder is probably the most defining feature of the exterior. A boulder in which I climbed once and stressed Colby the fuck out because it took me a bit to figure out how to get down again.
The interior was nicer. It had rustic furniture, sporting colors like deep blues and browns and beiges. Clearly a man's touch, no woman would do this to such a lavish house. But it wasn't terrible. After all this wasn't some vacation home, it was a safe house. It had fortified doors and a cellar you could hide out in if worst came to worse. There were hidden spots where you could pull out at least 3 knifes from any given room, but only if you knew where to look. The cabinets were full of canned foods and things that could last you years, but somehow I convinced Corey to drive and get me Taco Bell a couple of days ago. Jake wasn't happy when he found out we didn't get him anything, and Colby wasn't happy we had left in the first place. We argued the rest of the night but both apologized in the end.
We were under a lot of stress. We didn't blame each other for losing our tempers and moved on pretty quickly.
Anyways, I got the nicest room out of all of them, mostly because it was the only one that had its own personal bathroom. I was on the first floor, along with Colby, who had the room right next to mine. It wasn't even something to be discussed, it was just the obvious choice. When it was said to pick rooms, Jake, Sam, and Corey went upstairs, and me and Colby stayed downstairs. I think deep down, I wanted to be closer to Colby. And in the state I was in he found it necessary he be the one to clean every cut and scrape on my body as often as he saw necessary to prevent infection.
Despite Colby telling all of us numerous time that's we need to limit how often we go into town, he continues to threaten taking me to the hospital for my injuries. It's been a little under a week and I'm still in a lot of pain. And with the limited amount of supplies and medical equipment we have here I've been rationing pain killers.
Some nights I get little to no sleep, others you couldn't get me out of bed if you held a gun to my head. I'd probably tell you to pull the trigger.
But I try not to complain too much. There wasn't anything to be done. If I'm being honest, at least when I'm in pain I have something to get my mind off what happened.
Starting a war with a murderous crime boss.
The situation is complicated, and it hasn't gotten less complicated since getting here. We haven't talked about it. Only our survival. Only how we are going to live here until we have a set plan. But how long will that be if there hasn't even been talk of a plan.
I think even Colby is avoiding it. The declaration was made amidst a very heavy situation. He wasn't using logic when he made it. He used his emotions. I don't blame him, anyone else would have done what he did. Hell, I went the murder route.
Tearing those men to shreds.
My stomach still hurts when I think about it. I had never felt that way before. I never get to a point where I feel the need to murder someone. I only kill and hurt for jobs, no emotions attached.
That night I wanted to hurt those men..
Even though I scared myself a bit, I think even the guys were a bit scared of me too. Not because of the act itself but because I was capable of doing that. They had seen my abilities to a certain extent, but that night was pure evil. A slow, devious, act that stemmed from deep rage and despair. I knew what I was doing, and they saw that. They saw what I could do. And it scared them.
I think that is why it makes my stomach hurt. They truly see me differently than they ever have. And they have to deal with that. And so do I.
They were quiet to me at first. They've gotten over it, but we don't talk about it. Only how I'm feeling. Only safe questions. And I don't know if I like that or hate it.
The only one who hasn't treated me differently is Colby. Have we talked about it? No. But that's not him avoiding it, that him accepting it. He saw what happened, processed it, and didn't judge me at all. He moved on. Looked towards the future, looked towards our safety.
I think maybe he understood it so quickly because he too has gone through it. Had been through a blind rage that wasn't all too blind. Couldn't judge me because he learned not to judge himself.
This was survival. That was all.
His and I's relationship is still rocky. But it doesn't feel unfixable anymore.
It's like the pieces have all been found, it's just a matter of making them fit together again.
I'm looking at him now. He stands a few feet in front of me. I am in the living room, sitting on the floor, leaning over the coffee table writing up my thoughts. He is at the kitchen counter, trying to fix the broken lamp from my room. I've told him I'm not all that scared of the dark anymore, but he insisted.
"Just in case" he said, still in denial about some changes about me.
Yes the pieces were here...
He's been fixing a whole lot of things around here. Doors, floor boards, broken furniture, a couple of lights. He dusts and wipes and scrubs. For hours on end. I think it's his way of distracting himself, but I've never thought of him to be a clean freak. In fact this may be one of the first times he's ever cleaned this much, at least to this extent. I've had to tell him to go to bed because he gets so fixated on getting things back into order.
————-
"Colby," I catch his attention from the hallway, wearing some oversized clothes I've found the in the drawers of my room. They were meant for a man, which explains why they were so big on me. So big I disregarded the pants as a whole, only wearing my underwear beneath the length of the shirt.
Colby looked up through the strands of his fallen hair, a bit of sweat causing it to stick slightly to his forehead. He straightened his posture, causing obvious discomfort, which only confirmed he has been working on that damn water faucet for way too long.
He sighed, "Hey, Livia." He said. Setting down the rag he had in his hand and rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He caught sight of my lack of full coverage and averted his eyes from staring for too long.
I walked over with tired eyes and took his hands in my own, "You are tired. You need to sleep, and stop working." I tell him, rubbing circles in the web of his hand between his thumb and pointer finger. He squeezed my hands gently in return.
"But it's almost done. And then we can do dishes and wash our hands. I-I already fixed the bathroom faucets, and when I fix this one I can-'"
"Find another project to distract you from everything?" He averted his gaze at me calling him out. He tried to drop his hands but I didn't let him, holding them firmer.
I had to quickly follow up, "Hey, I know this is stressful. Really stressful. But remember? This is all of our problem. Mine, Sam's, Jakes and Coreys. Just as much as it is yours. You don't have to carry this load alone. And none of us can carry it if our leader is pushing himself too hard."
His gaze found my own once again. This time he grinned a bit.
"Am I in trouble?" He teased a bit.
I chuckled underneath my breath, taking my hand and pushing his face away while he laughed too. Then he caught my hand again, catching me off guard, and brought it to his lips, planting a very soft kiss on the back of it,
My heart began to beat faster.
He brought my hand back down and I took a step back until my back pressed against the counter. Then he took a step forward but stopped before he could be pressing against me.
"You're right. I will try to.. lessen the load a bit." He found the words and I felt satisfied with his answer.
"Good." At that point I tried to move past him to return to my room, but as I took a single step to the side he put his arm down on the counter to block my path. I stopped, heart sinking to my stomach while I looked up at him with curious eyes.
With his other hand, he brought it to my lower thigh and traced up my skin slowly until he felt the fabric. With every second, my skin crawled with goosebumps. Suddenly feeling a certain part of my body ride with heat. My mouth parted, wanting to ask a question. But I didn't say anything. I didn't want to risk him stopping.
"You tease me, wearing so little. Did you mean to do this? To torture me?" I gulped at his words, wanted to clear my name and deny what he was saying. But if he thought that, who was I to tell him no. How could I deny him of that pleasure... or myself..
I just didn't reply, only placed my hands back behind me on the counter. My left hand met his and I held it.
His finger found my panties, gently pressing against the fabric in the most accurate of spots. But when I expected him to go further, he stopped. And just help his finger there.
I shuttered out a breath, and he grinned deviously.
"You do this knowing.. I can't take you right here. Not the way I want to. Need to." He whispered.
I narrowed my eyes, suddenly feeling a bit angry. Was he serious? He was going to do all this and not go further?
I huffed, dragging the tip of my tongue against my bottom lip.
"If you won't.. you can just watch then." I challenged pushing him back a bit till he barely stumbled. Then I sat up on the counter, keeping direct contact with his curious eyes. Slowly, I spread my legs, lifting the shirt a bit so he could have a clear view.
I didn't do anything. I left it up to interpretation. And it didn't take much for him to know what I was threatening. But was it even a threat? I could see even he was challenging the thought.
By the bulge in his pants, he wasn't too against the idea.
He stared at my white panties, eager to see what's under them. And he could, if he wasn't such a pussy. He could take it, feel it, taste it, pleasure it, or, watch me do it all myself. All of the options up for grabs. He just had to decide.
"What.. you going to touch yourself in front of me? Oh darling, that's such a filthy thing to even suggest." He challenged back, crossing his hands. He was trying to get me to back down, to submit. Usually I would, but times have changed.
I took my two fingers and brought them down, applying pressure where my slit would be and slowly dragging them up and over the clit. My hips rolled against my own movements, skin shuddering at the relief of friction.
His smile dropped, shoulders tensing. As well as his pants.
I nodded my head towards the dining table, "Pull up a chair and you can watch how filthy I can be... Darling"
It took him a few seconds to think of what to do. What to say. But I knew what was to come next when he began to chuckle, letting his hands fall to his side. All before reaching for a chair, dragging it over and sitting down legs spread while he unbuckled his belt
I smiled. I had won.
————-
Some things still haven't changed between him and I. There was still a flame between us. And as I watch him fixing the lamp for me, eyes full of determination, I know it's that flame that will put us back together again.
It will take time. And I don't know how much of that time will be spent here in this safe house. I think I described it at a dump, but it's not so much a dump anymore. Everyone is trying to make it more homey.
Corey is actively trying to grow a garden using pots and seeds he found somewhere. There was sacks of dirt in the shed I think so he's going to attempt to grow some useful things for us to eat.
Jake attempted to cook. He created what he called Bean and Bread soup, which really looked like a coyotes digested remains. No one ate it except him and he was stuck to the toilet for the rest of the night.
And Sam has been thinking of things to keep us entertained with the lack of data we have here. He found a couple of books scattered around the house so we have each been assigned a book. I'm already halfway through mine, Corey used his to level his bed because it had a broken leg, Jake lost his, and Colby keeps putting it off. Sam has been trying to think of more... fun ways to keep us engaged.
What have I done to make this place as homey as possible? Well, the answer to that is simple. I have-
————-
I was pulled away from my writing by knocking from the front door. I yelped, jumping back. My reflexes caused my hand to reach beneath the coffee table and grab the jagged rusty knife from beneath the surface of it, jumping to my feet and pointing it at the door prepared to fight.
Everyone was in the house. And that fact made me terrified.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Colby put his hands out and used his body to block me from the door as I made my decent for it. I stopped and stared at him, confused. Then looked back at the door when the knocking had continued.
"Wh-"
"It's okay, I invited them." He was quick to reassure, cautiously looking at the knife. He could tell I was scared.
I still didn't understand. The sound of footsteps descending drew my eyes over to the stairs where I saw the guys come down with big smiles on their faces, looking towards the front door. They were excited? Was I the only one who didn't know who was at the door?
Slowly my knife lowered, but my heart stayed pounding. Who was there?
Colby turned around and reached for the handle, slowly twisting it but not opening it before looking at me wanting to see my reaction. He was smiling.
Finally he opened the door, and I was met with something that made the knife drop to the floor,
Cheery voices yelled "Livia!"
***
Heyyyyyy
This was a fun chapter to write taking into account I haven't written in quite awhile lol. Teasing some smut was pretty fun too. Your welcome.
So sorry updates have been sucky recently. Life got rocky and I was going through a breakup for part of it but now I'm with someone else and he's absolutely amazing. He made my summer 10x better and even more special. Oh yeah, I'm a senior now. Crazy to think that seeing as I began writing Medicine my freshman year. Boy how it's grown since then. I remember it hitting 1k and absolutely losing my mind. Now it's almost at 200k and I'm still amazed at the attention it has gotten and it's all thanks to you guys.
I will absolutely try to post more often, and I have a plan for the next few chapters so it should be too hard.
A couple of reasons why I haven't been posting much is 1. writers block because complex story lines are hard to come up with lol. 2. Highschool. It was my junior year and if you've gone through that yk how it is. Tests, college prep, stress. Not to mention I was going through the process of learning to drive and auditioning to be our highschool bands Drummajor.. which I DID get😎 so that's a lot of responsibility and stress on me. If you dont know what that is you can look it up haha, but just know I'm the top leader of our band. And of course reason number 3 is relationship stuff. From breakups to finding someone else that aspect of my life has been eventful. You guys have him to thank for this btw, he inspires me alot.
Anyways yes this was my life update, I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying life and enjoying this chapter. We got a little slice of what life has been like for them in Santiago. And we got to see some more Livia and Colby chemistry hehe. Thoughts on Livia's new confidence while doing dirty things?🤭
Okay this is a lot but I love you guys so much. See you soon!!!
<3