Time as always was a never-forgiving and never-ending mistress.
It did not matter that Jungkook's heart was broken and that he wished for nothing more than time to stop so he could mourn. Time kept going, and Jungkook could not tell anybody what was wrong.
He was the one who had broken their agreement, while Jungkook had never said that he should not fall in love with Namjoon, it had been clear between the lines, and that was before all the lying.
It was first 3 weeks after he first started giving into the doom and gloom of his heart, unable to leave his studio, that Taehyung had enough of it.
There was only one way to put it, he broke into Jungkook's studio to verbally abuse the younger male "get up! You know where he lives you, dumb himbo?! Stop spending your money on rolling for pretty anime boys and go get yourself your own pretty anime boy!"
Jungkook was just staring at him, he had not showered for longer than he would ever care to admit and had spent too much time playing Genshin impact. Ayato reminded him of Namjoon, so if he couldn't have Namjoon, he would have this man instead.
"I lied to him." Jungkook mumbled the words, far into his self-pity to even consider what Taehyung was saying "I broke my promises even if they weren't spoken."
Taehyung genuinely looked like he wanted to just give up on Jungkook, as he ran his hand through his newly bleached hair with a sigh "then apologise." his tone was the definition of calm before the storm, and it very much looked like he would eat Jungkook alive if the younger artist dared to say anything against him "you fucked up, yes, I get. You should have told him. So, apologise, say you want a regular relationship I would like to slobber his dick regularly without getting paid for it."
It wasn't as if those were words completely shocking out of Taehyung's mouth, if anything, they were very much on brand, but Jungkook could not help it, but just stare at his friend.
It was almost as if he was seeing the world for the first time in a long while. Taehyung's sheer boldness of statement woke his long-forgotten brain cells as all he could stammer out was "I also want to kiss him." he would like that to be known at least.
"Kiss him, kiss his cock, I don't care." Taehyung was being very dramatic as he threw his hands into the sky's and rolled his eyes "just do something! You know where he lives! Just go and apologise so we can all move forward because this is starting to get out of hand." Jungkook had never before seen Taehyung as serious as he was at that moment. Of course, Taehyung did have a serious moment, but there was always a glint of mischief in his eyes, now there was nothing. Instead, Taehyung just looked worried and annoyed in a weird way that didn't fit his pretty face.
That was enough to wake Jungkook finally up from the hole he had fallen down, the look just looked that wrong on Taehyung "I am disgusting."
"You should shower indeed." Taehyung put his hands on his hips "now shu, you shower, I will... probably throw out and burn some stuff because you are a disgusting monster and there is simply no way of saving most of it."
A shower did turn out to really help. It made Jungkook feel like he was finally alive, something he had missed while being stuck in his rut. When he came out, he did realise that he was the world's slowest person in the shower, because all the trash that had started to grow as Jungkook was in his funk was gone and his studio apartment looked like something that he could actually live in again, instead of looking like a crime against humanity.
The smell of food was wafting from the kitchen. Okay, maybe Jungkook had taken just a bit too long in the shower as the takeaway that Taehyung had ordered had arrived. Following his nose, it didn't take Jungkook long to find Taehyung and more importantly the food.
Jungkook really did have the best friend, didn't he? He wasn't sure what he had ever done to deserve it, and he reminded himself that he would pay back Taehyung for this one day. Sometimes they shared one brain cell, but on other days like this, Taehyung clearly all of them.
One day, he would pay Taehyung back, maybe even cook him up with that dancer that was a teacher at the studio next to the building Jungkook did his anatomy classes in. He was sure he would be able to wing that, and Taehyung would love him.
"Now what?" Taehyung flinched; he had been too busy staring at his phone that he hadn't even noticed Jungkook entering the room. He barely managed to grab the falling electronic before it hit the ground.
"Don't do that!" he hissed as he checked his precious phone over for any scratching, Jungkook always found it funny that the phone was basically his baby, "And eat! I saw all the crisp bags you have to be 50% red bull and 50% crisps at this point." They really were not far enough away from each other in age for Taehyung to lecture him like this.
"You forget the 90% pity." Jungkook tried his best not to pout, but he was pretty sure he was not having much success, but Taehyung was nice enough to not call him out on it, instead he picked up his chopsticks gesturing towards the food with them.
"Eat and let's replace at least some of that pity." Taehyung dug into the food, while still managing to judge Jungkook, speaking with his mouth full "plus you are not nearly thick enough to qualify as 190% of a person."
Jungkook squawked, almost launching his chopstick through the air by accident "fuck you! I am not taking criticism for somebody shaped like a stick! I have cakes!"
"Flat cakes maybe." Taehyung grinned before leaning down to grab a few more pieces of food "I guess delusional is better than depressed."
The food ended up on the couch as Jungkook jumped him and the two ended up wrestling, finally, more back to normal than Jungkook had felt in a long time. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even good. There was still a hole in his heart where Namjoon was meant to be, but Taehyung was right, he was an adult, and he didn't have to just accept things.
Jungkook had forgotten that while he might have been the Sugar Baby, he was never powerless in this relationship, his and Namjoon's relationship was never really unhealthy in the power balance. Namjoon always gave the power over to Jungkook, it didn't matter that Namjoon was the one paying him.
He took an extra day to get his life in check again, and really prepare what he wanted to say to Namjoon. The truth was a good play to start, but always why he had done what he had done and what should change moving forward.
He was in love with Namjoon.
He loved Namjoon.
He wanted to at least give it a shot. If Namjoon didn't love him back, if this wasn't something Namjoon wanted, then that was okay. Then Jungkook could know that it ended because it wasn't meant to be, not because Jungkook had fucked up and was too much of a coward to say what he wanted.
Namjoon's apartment was one of those fancy ones where keys or codes weren't needed, just fingerprints. Jungkook had faith enough that Namjoon hadn't changed his fingerprint to remove it. He didn't want to think about the moment that Namjoon had first collected it, and told him that Jungkook could come by at any time, even if Namjoon wasn't home himself.
At that time, Namjoon had still been under the impression that what inspired Jungkook so much when he was in the flat was the view, not the man himself. Jungkook had let him believe that, but he rarely if ever ended up taking Namjoon up on the offer, the apartment just wasn't the same without the older man there.
As expected, the keypad took Jungkook's fingerprint with a little happy note before a click signalled the fact that the door was opened "Namjoon? You home? I just want to..."
He dropped the bouquet of flowers that he had brought with him, a gift and a peace offering for Namjoon, but also a promise as the red roses and white tulips were meant to signal love, forgiveness and apology.
Namjoon was not home.
And it didn't look as if he would be home in a long while, as Namjoon's apartment was completely empty.
Namjoon had moved out, and he hadn't told Jungkook.
All the hope that he had allowed himself to build up, all his dreams and wants and needs were crushed just like that.
The apartment was empty, just like Jungkook's life would be.
Fuck.
He had thought that rock bottom was whatever he had found before, it was what Taehyung had dragged him out of. Turned out he was wrong, whatever this was... this was rock bottom.
What was the point of anything anymore? The gallery meeting, the little blown kiss, that should have been sign enough. He was stupid, letting Taehyung convince him that he exactly had a chance. Stupid stupid Jungkook and his stupid stupid thoughts.
He told himself that he wasn't crying, there was no reason to cry since he didn't deserve it. He was the one who had fucked up, so why would he get to cry?
At least that was what Jungkook told himself, and when he got outside, he pretended that it really was just the rain's wayward drops flowing down his cheeks.
From there on... time passed as time tended to do.
Jungkook refused to give in to the morose feelings in his chest. He wanted to lie in his bed and cry, he wanted to yell and punch his pillow. He wanted to stare at the ceiling and do nothing. But he couldn't do that, Namjoon had been the reason that Jungkook had gotten as far in his life as he had, and he was not going to give that up. If his career was the only thing he could have from Namjoon, then he was going to make sure that that part of him flourished.
His painting did take a darker turn, at first, he expected people to be turned off by it. That he would no longer have the same appeal as he did with his clearly full-of-love work.
He was wrong.
It seemed that suffering was profitable.
If that was a fucking joke, then Jungkook didn't know what it was.
Summer turned to autumn which turned to winter, and as the leaves fell off the trees and people started hanging up Christmas lights. Jungkook was reminded of the time that he had managed to convince Namjoon to go outside and see the Christmas parade.
At first, Jungkook had been convinced that Namjoon either found him childish or was just too embarrassed to be seen with Jungkook outside. It had taken a bit of prodding for him to actually find out what was wrong, which turned out to be just that he was worried that people would judge Jungkook for being seen with such an old man.
Namjoon was always like that. He was always way more concerned about Jungkook than about himself. He had this idea that people would look at them and think horribly of Jungkook, that it would besmirch his character or limit his future. Which crazy, because Namjoon might be older, but he was not that much older, and he looked young! When they went outside, they just looked like boyfriends!
That had been one of Jungkook's favourite memories. Looking at people while holding Namjoon's hand, seeing them as boyfriends and just accepting that was the fact. It was how he got to live a little fantasy that he had hoped would never end.
He hated the light now.
Jungkook hated the couples gathering outside. Hated happy women clinging to their boyfriend's arm in the cold, pointing at the lights with their stupid hands. He equally hated the men themselves, wrapping an arm around the women and holding them close.
How dare any of them be happy! Didn't they understand that there was nothing to be happy about anymore!
Namjoon was gone and there was no light or brightness left in the world, and here they were! Acting as if nothing had happened!
Of course, Jungkook knew he wasn't being fair. He knew that none of these people even knew of him and Namjoon, that they were just living their life like people tended to do but didn't sting less. It didn't remove the feeling in his chest, and it didn't heal the open wounds that refused to close on his heart.
Constantly, with every aching waking moment, Jungkook felt as if something was missing. That he didn't even know how to be himself again.
Being with Namjoon, loving Namjoon, that had defined who he had become. The idea that he would now have to be without. No.
No.
Just no. It wasn't right.
How could somebody like Namjoon just disappear?
He had taken to using the only bandage he knew, going to one of Namjoon's stores. It was the first one, the one that Jungkook had officially met him in. The one that really started his life.
Namjoon wasn't there, of course, it had been years since he himself would go there, but he still liked to believe that he could sense the older there. Namjoon always cared so much about his stores, so even if he didn't go there anymore, it was the closest that Jungkook could get to him.
He would sit in the café section and sketch. Almost always Namjoon. Memories that he had no pictures of but didn't want to forget. So, he drew them.
His art painted and hung in galleries was meant to show his pain, show the part of him that he wanted to scream to the world and demand that they all understood, but his sketchbook was for the small memories. They were about how he used to feel, about Namjoon made him feel.
It was the moments where he let himself think about everything they had been. It was when he let himself remember Namjoon's cute dimples, drawing them from memory so he would never forget them again. The little dimple in the lower part of Namjoon's back, that would always make him stifle back a little moan and giggle when Jungkook kissed it.
There were so many parts of Namjoon, he could feel sketchbook after sketchbook. He had filled sketchbook after sketchbook.
He could not forget.
He refused to.
That was where he was headed when the world decided to break apart one more time. He was staring at his phone, trying to answer the owner of the place where his next showcase was being held, so he didn't look up just reaching for the door handle to push open the door.
The door should be open.
He had walked this path and done this movement so many times. The door was always well-oiled, it should take the barest of touch, the brass cold against his hand as it took the snow, but it would open non the less. Every time Jungkook would remind himself to wear gloves, and every time he would forget.
This time it was different, instead of the cold brass giving in and pushing open the door, greeting him with the warm air of the bookstore, it refused to move.
Finally looking up he stared at the door, squinting as if the door had personally offended him, which it had. Then he gave it another push... it still didn't budge.
What the fuck.
He was not in the mood to be outplayed by a *door* of all things. He had to really keep it in to stop himself from growling at the inanimate object. It really wasn't appropriate.
It was first after his 3rd attempt to open the door that he realised there was probably a reason why it was locked. His eyes fell on a paper taped to the other side of the door, and then his eyes fell on a second thing. The store was empty.
Not the empty that you found of stores yet to open for the day, but the empty where everything that wasn't bolted down was gone, and even then... a few bolted-down pieces were probably taken as well. The store wasn't closed, it was shut down.
This was almost like losing Namjoon all over again, this was the last part he still had of the older man. It couldn't just be gone.
He had been busy the last two weeks, so Jungkook hadn't even noticed that it was closing down. Even before then, there might have been signs, but he was always too much in his own head to notice what was going on around him.
Now it was too late.
Now it was gone.
Clenching his fist, he wanted to punch the door, but it wasn't worth it, the pain would only be temporary, and it wouldn't make the real pain in his heart go away. He had tried the pain route before with not much success.
He was spiralling as he tried to get himself together and really figure out what to do. He wasn't ready to give up his last piece of Namjoon.
Luckily, before he could think it over too much before he could jump to conclusions that he would probably regret, a voice sounded behind him "yeah, it's sad, isn't it. I used to go to the one across town and that one was closed a month before it. We really can't have nice things."
That was enough to get Jungkook to turn around. The voice belonged to a young woman, hands deep in her pockets, and her full lips set in a soft pout as she looked at the building more than at Jungkook.
"Wh-what?" Jungkook's voice was croaky, and he had to clear his throat to be able to speak his next line of questions, turning his full body towards the newcomer "all of them are closed?" he was struggling to wrap his head around it, the world was spinning, he had to lean against the door to support himself.
"Yeah, apparently they weren't making any money." she shrugged, her eyes were sad, but his body language spoke of somebody who had gotten over it "can't really blame the owner, apparently none of the stores made any money. Kindle killed the bookshop market, and they didn't sell coffees and stuff for a high enough price to make their money back. I heard the owner filed for bankruptcy." she blew her gym, leaning against the streetlamp, the snow had started falling again, creating small blotches of white in her long dark locks "me and some friends will pour out for the guy definitely. Wouldn't have gotten through last year with my exams and everything without the place. Café was great for students, and the bargain bin for books kept me sane. My friend wrote her screenplay in there, and now it is being adapted into a show." her light musical voice sounded so proud of herself that you would almost believe that she herself had managed to feed.
Jungkook couldn't help it, his mind went to Namjoon's writing again. Did the man ever sit in his own shops and write? Of course, Jungkook knew the answer. Namjoon never let himself have that, but it had also never stopped the younger of them from dreaming.
Then the rest of her words hit him like a truck, and he felt lightheaded once again. Bankruptcy. Namjoon had sold all of the stores, or at least closed them and filed for bankruptcy. That were words and ideas that Jungkook didn't even know how to wrap his head around. He wondered how Namjoon must be feeling, terrible without a doubt. Not even for himself, because the man was so goddamn soft of heart, he would be blaming himself and worrying about the people who worked for him.
Jungkook wanted to find him, to wrap him up in his arms and hold him close. He wanted to be there for him, wanted to make sure that Namjoon knew that he would always be there for him. That it was okay to cry, it was something that Namjoon had never done with him. A part that he always hid from Jungkook when he was overwhelmed, seemingly thinking that he couldn't do it when he was meant to be the sugar daddy.
Suddenly things started to make sense.
The art slowly going missing in the apartment, Namjoon no longer using his most expensive suits and them not being in the apartment at all.
This had been happening for a while, hadn't it? And Jungkook had just fully missed it. Namjoon had been planning on moving, but only because he would no longer be able to afford it. Jungkook himself was renting the apartment now, half because it had memories that he wasn't ready to let go of, and half because of misplaced hope that one-day Namjoon would just... stumble back into the apartment and Jungkook wanted to be there when he did.
He was so stupid.
How could Jungkook have missed this?
He knew that there was something Namjoon was hiding! Something that Namjoon was stressed over. There had been for the entire last year of their relationship, and Jungkook had been too fucking busy being in love with the older man that he hadn't noticed just what was going on.
He knew that hindsight was 20/20, but still how was he able to be so blind that now when he looked at it, everything was clear.
What was wrong with him? Was he so full of himself that hadn't been able to even notice that the man he loved needed support?
"Excuse me?" fingers snapped in front of his face, pulling him from the misery spiral of his mind as he focused back on the lady in front of him. Clearly, he had zoned completely out, forgotten that time didn't stand still just because he is having an emotional breakdown.
"I am sorry what?" maybe she had said more than what Jungkook could remember hearing before his world started to shut down, he had no genuine way of knowing, but the lady just tsk'ed, cocking her hips to the side while shaking her head.
"You would think that you knew him personally with how you reacted." She laughed a little, and while a normal person would probably have found it cute or even attractive, Jungkook barely even perceived it. Nobody had known that he and Namjoon had dated. To everybody, Jungkook was nobody.
Well now he was a popular and renowned painter and artist, but that wasn't really what mattered. He was nobody to Namjoon.
Nobody knew outside of Taehyung. And while Namjoon had never tried to hide him, the word boyfriend had never been used before. Especially not to strangers when they asked Jungkook.
Suddenly, he could no longer hold back the words, suddenly they were growing his chest, fighting their way up his throat and past his vocal cords. He could stop them, not that he really wanted to as he just spilt them out "we used to date. He was everything to me." the words were more morose than he expected "I... fucked it up. I haven't talked to him for a long time, I didn't realise it was going this badly."
He expected for the lady to not believe him, to laugh at him, or to call him crazy. What he was saying, was crazy. She had no reason to believe him.
Instead, she didn't laugh, she just looked at him, her dark eyes kind and understanding "I am sorry to hear that. Now this whole thing makes more sense." she didn't sound as if she was just placating him, instead she sounded genuine. Like she really did believe him, and really did feel sorry. It wasn't pity, it was genuine empathy "it seems like you aren't over him. I get it. I fucked up my last relationship as well, and I think she took a part of me with her afterwards. There is something missing in my chest and there has been since she left." she shrugged, stuffing her hands further into the pockets of his stylish winter coat, she suddenly looked much smaller and unsure of herself as she hung her shoulders and shifted her weight from one foot to the other hesitating before she finished her little speech in a much quieter voice "if you still can... don't let him go. It's too late for me, she has a husband and a kid on the way now. Don't be like me. You think that at some point the wound will heal, and you will remember what it's like to feel normal again, but you won't. The piece won't magically regrow, and the wound will become a scar that aches constantly."
Jungkook just stared at her, trying to take in her words.
She was right.
He hadn't thought she would be. After all, in his mind, nobody understood his struggles, but she was right. He had felt as if he was healing in the way that Taehyung clearly expected him to, at best, the wound had scabbed over, but it felt just as fresh as just as it had when it had first happened to you.
"You are right."
"I am?" She seemed just as genuinely surprised as if she was used to her morose advice being ignored "wait yes I am!"
The two of them grinned at each other, which had to look insane, but neither of them cared. A connection had been formed, while they were both aware that they would never see each other again, neither would ever forget about the other either.
When Jungkook finally got home, he felt revigorated. He knew what needed to be done, and while he wasn't sure how to do it, a plan without any real steps, he knew he would do it.
It was time for him to really make his point. It was time for a grand gesture.
Time to sink or to swim.
__________
Jungkook wasn't sure where exactly he had expected to find Namjoon, but working as a barista at Starbucks was definitely not it.
It was not right. He had nothing against people working in Starbucks, but it was not meant to be where Namjoon of all people worked. Namjoon was bigger than that he was... not meant to be here.
Jungkook didn't go in when he first had gotten the details from the private investigator he had hired, he just simply hadn't believed her. The only thing Namjoon should be doing at a Starbucks was sitting in the corner and working on his books and stories. He should not be... working there.
Standing just outside the door looking in, Jungkook's heart ached. Namjoon looked worse than the last time he had seen the man, he had lost both weight and muscle definition. His clothes which normally always sat so well and were of high ethical quality were replaced with the Starbucks uniform that seemingly wore Namjoon more than Namjoon wore it.
His normally well-taken-care-of and healthy hair was back to its much darker natural brown, closer to black, with no highlights in it, now instead serving to make Namjoon blend, more than to stand out. The bags under his eyes had been upgraded to full-on luggage that he would have to pay extra for at the airport.
He looked miserable.
Of course, Namjoon was putting on his best fake smile and even looking like the shadow of himself, he still looked like he could steal the heart of a fair few regulars, but Jungkook knew better. He knew that look in Namjoon's eyes, the smile that didn't reach his eyes, a smile that didn't pop his dimples, a smile that didn't make Jungkook's stomach go all tingly. No this wasn't real; this was a coping smile.
Namjoon was not mean to be here.
Jungkook wanted to do his grand gesture right there, to storm and there and say everything he wanted to, but he also knew that it was a terrible idea. The point was giving Namjoon a choice, he could turn Jungkook down, and embarrassing him at work was not how he should do it.
It didn't matter how much he wanted to do it, it wasn't the right thing to do, and Jungkook needed to do right by Namjoon. Namjoon had done everything he could, for as long as the two of them had known each other, to always do right by Jungkook. It was time to pay him back.
When they had started with Namjoon being his sugar daddy, Jungkook had been just a boy, he would meet Namjoon now as a man.
Leaving hurt, but Jungkook promised himself he would back, looking over Namjoon one last time as the proud and kind man got yelled at by an older lady who seemingly was not happy with how her drink was made.
It hurt every part of Jungkook to leave, but he knew it was the right thing to do.
Didn't make it any easier sadly.
If anybody asked, Jungkook never hung around outside the Starbucks Namjoon worked at, it was not a thing he did. That would be creepy, and he was trying not to be a massive fucking creep.
The plan was slowly coming together. He wasn't sure it was a good plan, but it was the plan that he had decided on settling with, so that was how it was going to be.
The hardest part was actually getting Namjoon to the place. They had no contact anymore, and they didn't really share friends. Their arrangement as a sugar daddy and baby meant that they didn't cross Friends groups, to make sure that nobody would feel awkward.
It was first a few days into planning that Jungkook finally figured out exactly what to do. Jungkook might not have made friends with any of Namjoon's friends (something he promised himself that he would change next time.) there was one of Namjoon's friends' boyfriends that Jungkook had the number of and talked to.
Park Jimin was the boyfriend and former sugar baby of Namjoon's best friend Seokjin. Namjoon had introduced the two of them for the sole reason that he felt that Jungkook needed a chance to talk to somebody who was also a sugar baby and give him the tools, he needed to decide if this was something he wanted to do.
It had been early in their arrangement, and while Jungkook wouldn't say that he and Jimin were friends, they had talked a lot. They weren't that far away from each other in years, but Jimin was much more experienced in the field of sugaring and had given Jungkook some good advice, while also just explaining what he had gotten himself into.
The last he had heard from Jimin was a year before his and Namjoon's breakup when he had gotten a message from the older man with a heads up that he would no longer be sugaring, instead, he and Seokjin had decided to make their relationship official, and they were engaged instead.
Jungkook had answered with just a simple 'congratulations.' In all honesty, already at that point he had been in love with Namjoon and was busy daydreaming off a life where that could be what happened to them as well. He had never before sought or wanted marriage, but anything that would keep Namjoon with him was something he could dream of.
Plus, their wedding would be beautiful, how could it not. Namjoon was a piece of art after all.
Getting Jimin to agree to his plan turned out to be much easier than expected. All it ended up taking was the truth, and Jimin agreed easily enough. Who knew that if you just told to truth people were much more likely to actually help you?
He was learning a new thing every day.
Jimin did threaten him and promised him that if he hurt Namjoon on purpose, then nobody was ever going to find his body. Like Jungkook would ever purposely hurt the man he loved.
So, there he was, at the apartment that Namjoon used to own that was now in Jungkook's name.
Before him was a beautiful candle dinner setup, all of Namjoon's favourites, because Jungkook listened, and he wanted to prove that. He wanted to prove that he knew the man, not just knew of him.
He had considered going the full 5 miles and wearing a suit, but he knew that it would make Namjoon feel self-conscious if the older man was in normal clothes while Jungkook was fully dressed up. So instead, he wore a tight pair of jeans that he knew Namjoon loved on him, and a casual turtleneck of high quality. It had been one of the first gifts from Namjoon, and while it was not the original one that he had been planning to wear he couldn't stop himself from putting it on, it reminded him of Namjoon, so if Namjoon ended up rejecting him, ended up leaving him, then at least he would still have this one memory of Namjoon.
Never had Jungkook thought that a clock could be so loud, he had never before realised that the clock in the living room made a noise every second, but now it was as if with every tick it was getting louder and louder, taunting him.
The only other thing in the apartment making a sound was his own heartbeat, which as if it was working in a tandrum with the traitorous watch was getting louder and louder. His hands were getting clammy, and he was constantly rubbing them in his jeans to try and get them dry.
He had never felt this way before.
He was nervous and scared.
He didn't know what to do with himself. He had walked from his position in the dining room, to the kitchen and to the hallway multiple times, unable to find the calm he could normally rely on.
He had tried to draw, a thing that would normally bring calmness to his mind, but his hands were shaking so badly that putting pen to paper was an impossible task.
What if he didn't come? The voice in the back of Jungkook's head that he was trying to ignore prodded at him. Jimin had promised him that Namjoon would, but what if he didn't. What if Jimin had heard his story and still thought it was the best for everybody to keep Namjoon away from him.
What if he didn't want to come? What if this really was the end, and even a minute more with Jungkook was more than he could handle.
He was starting to think that this whole thing was stupid, that he was stupid for setting this up. For really thinking that something as silly as fighting for Namjoon was enough to actually win his heart.
Just as he was about to tear it all down, unable to look at the meal that he had worked so hard on, a hesitant knock sounded against the solid oak wood of the door.
For just a moment, Jungkook stared at the door like a deer caught in the headlights, as his brain tried its best to catch up and understand what was going on. Then he moved fast and suddenly, almost falling over his own legs as he hurried to tear open the door, fearful that if he waited for just one second too long, the person on the other side would regret it and leave.
On the other side of the door was Namjoon, hand raised in a knocking position, seemingly about to knock again.
Both of them were frozen, staring at each other. Namjoon in genuine surprise and Jungkook in longing. He had waited so long for this. He hadn't seen Namjoon up close and personal since before the evening when everything broke apart.
He looked like hell if he was being objective, but he had also never looked more beautiful to Jungkook. It didn't matter that he clearly hadn't slept enough, it didn't matter that he had lost even more weight or that he seemingly had aged multiple years in a span of months.
It was Namjoon.
That was all that mattered.
He had to stop himself from just... grabbing Namjoon and desperately hugging him "Jung...kook?" Namjoon's words were hesitant, and he took just one tiny step backwards as if he was unsure of what to do. His eyes were wide, and his hands were shaking.
Jungkook wanted to take him in his arms and never let go.
It hurt so much that Namjoon was seemingly trying to flee from him.
He had prepared his speech, he knew what he had to say to Namjoon when they got inside, prepared for what to say when the older man got inside, sat down and was ready to listen to Jungkook, "Jimin must have had some misunderstanding, I am sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt what you were doing, I will take my leave, I am sorry."
Seemingly, Namjoon had taken Jungkook's hesitancy for not wanting him there. He turned to leave making Jungkook panic "no wait!" Before he knew it, his body had moved to reach out to grab the other man's wrist to keep him there "there is no misunderstanding! I was the one who asked Jimin to ask you to come here. I didn't think you would come if I was the one who asked you, neither I nor Jimin meant to try and deceive you or make a fool of you." he added the last part knowing exactly what thoughts were going to go through Namjoon's head.
Because he knew Namjoon.
Namjoon's eyes went wide, and he looked just a little like a prey caught in the eyes of a predator "I... what?" Namjoon never stammered normally, he spoke with his chest, surer of his words knowing that they were worth being listened to.
It seemed that the time apart, and everything that had happened had taken more of a toll on Namjoon than expected. Namjoon should never be unsure of himself, unsure of his words, he was one of the most intelligent men Jungkook had ever met. He was the one man that should always be listened to because everything he ever said was worth listening to.
"Please would you come in, I have prepared something, and I would like to talk to you." honesty, that was the important part. All of this had gone to shits because Jungkook hadn't been honest, not this time. He would be honest with Namjoon.
"You live here?" Namjoon cocked his head lightly to the side, but he didn't pull away from Jungkook, instead settled into a look of confusion, but there was a light in his eyes that showed Jungkook that the old Namjoon wasn't gone just yet. That there was still time to make this okay, to pull back the old Namjoon.
"I... I can explain everything, just, please... We have a lot to discuss and talk about, and I missed you." Those last words weren't meant to escape him, but he was incapable of keeping them in. Even if he was going for the truth, he was not trying to overwhelm Namjoon.
At that Namjoon seemed more surprised than anything, his mouth hanging open as he tried to take in Jungkook's words "you... missed me?" the words were full of disbelief, and it made Jungkook's heartache. Namjoon was never meant to doubt Jungkook's feelings for him, but then again, Jungkook was the one who made the rule that they should never fall in love.
"Just come inside? Please." the last word was more of a plead than anything else, but it was enough to get Namjoon to actually follow him with just a little tug to his wrist that Jungkook was still holding.
It was such little contact between them, but it was enough for Jungkook's heart to speed up its beating. He hadn't had any real human contact with anybody since their breakup, and while it was such a little thing, it was still enough to put him on cloud nine.
While Namjoon seemingly had found his footing, he was once again knocked off kilter as they got into the dining room where he saw the meal prepared "Jungkook what is going on?" he gave a tug on his wrist, Jungkook letting go instantly.
He wanted to hold and touch Namjoon, but never if the older didn't want to be touched. That was just wrong.
"Can we sit down and eat a little and then I will explain. Nothing fishy going on, I just want to spend some time with you and then explain. I wouldn't lie." the truth, he promised himself that.
It looked as if Namjoon considered running away as if the sheer idea of sitting down with Jungkook and eating with him was enough to scare him. Namjoon was never meant to be afraid of anything, let alone of Jungkook.
Jungkook pulled out his chair so Namjoon could sit "please?" the word was slowly becoming the main part of his vocabulary. Normally it was a word he despised, begging and pleading for anything would normally make it run down his back and gooseflesh would raise on his arms, but with Namjoon it was nothing like that.
There was nothing bad about pleading with Namjoon, there was nothing degrading, not with Namjoon. Never with Namjoon.
Hesitantly, oh so hesitantly, Namjoon sat down the chair letting Jungkook push it in again, so he was sitting at the table ready to eat. First, then did Namjoon seemingly take the time to look over the spread of food in front of him, an expression Jungkook couldn't help but hate. He didn't want to think about what it meant.
"Please take some food, I can't promise it's great, but I tried my best." Jungkook found his way to his own chair, he wanted to wring his hands, worrying about Namjoon's reaction.
The older man was busy looking at all the food, trying to take it all in before settling his confused eyes back on Jungkook "you made it?" his surprise was fair enough, in all the time they had spent together, it was well known that Jungkook was not one for cooking.
It wasn't that he couldn't cook, it was more that he just simply wasn't interested it in, he always tended to get distracted and ended up forgetting a pot that was on the hob or something equally stupid. So, the fact that Jungkook managed to make not one dish, but multiples showed just how much effort Jungkook had put into the feast.
"I promise, it should be eatable!" Jungkook grabbed his chopsticks, about to prove exactly that.
Namjoon stopped him "I believe you!" seeming to understand that Jungkook needed him to at least say something "I was just surprised. I assumed you order it."
A fair reaction and Jungkook could feel his cheeks and tips of his ears heating up as he admitted "that is fair, I just wanted to... impress you."
Namjoon wasn't meeting his eyes, but there was still a little smile on his face "I am not sure I understand why but thank you, but you don't owe me anything. Our arrangement is over, all debts are paid, not that there ever were any debts."
Jungkook's heart ached, it was so Namjoon to believe that somebody would do something nice for him just because they thought they owed him something. Not because Namjoon just deserved nice things.
He wanted to have dinner first, he wanted to build up to it, not just... come out there and say it, but he could no longer hold it in. He couldn't stop himself as he grabbed the papers he was hiding under the table "I have something I want to show you while we eat." he didn't mention that he had originally planned on showing it to Namjoon after they had eaten and gotten more comfortable with each other again.
He pushed the papers over the table, as he had on purpose made sure that there would be room for the between the dishes "you can read through the while you eat, I promise the food is better warm." to show that again it wasn't poison, he started serving himself.
Jungkook refused to look up at Namjoon, he didn't want to see the expressions going over the older man's face as he realised what those papers were. He himself had gone over them many times, first him and Taehyung, then with a lawyer who would very much like them to know that this was not how the law worked, but that it seemed fair.
He focused on his food, taking care to eat slowly instead of just shoving food into his mouth like his anxiety wanted him to. Not only because he was sure that he would accidentally choke on something, or just embarrass himself more than he already did with every word out of his mouth.
Silence fell over the living room, Jungkook's ears working overtime to make up for his eyes refusing to leave his plate. Every scrape of his chops sticks against the edge of his bowl seemed 10 times louder than it had any right to be. As to add to his grief and despair Namjoon seemingly had the magic ability to make every turn of the papers in his hands make a sound as loud as the shooting of a gun, more than once Jungkook flinched as the sound reached his ears.
Namjoon didn't say anything as he read slowly through the pages, maybe that was a blessing, maybe it was a curse, but in all honesty, Jungkook wasn't sure. He feared the words out of the other man's mouth as he finally understood what Jungkook wanted.
Part of Jungkook wanted to run away, wanted to laugh it up and say it was just a joke, but he had gotten so far, he couldn't run away now. Even if there was just a small slither of a chance that Namjoon would say yes, he would have to take it.
"Jungkook..." Namjoon spoke, as he put down the papers, forcing Jungkook to look up and meet his eyes.
There were so many different emotions hidden in those beautiful brown eyes, it didn't matter that they were sunken in much more than what they should be there, the warmth, intelligence and depth were still there, warming Jungkook's soul "yes?" Jungkook acted as if he had no idea what it was Namjoon was going to say.
"This isn't a joke, is it?" he was searching for something in Jungkook's face, and the younger wasn't sure what it was, instead he settled for just letting his own emotions show on his face.
"No, it isn't." the truth. Again, that was what Jungkook had decided, and he was not going to change that now.
Seemingly whatever Namjoon was looking for in Jungkook's face he found as he sighed, looking down at the papers with a varied look in his eyes, before looking back up at him "I can't let you do this Kookie." the nickname was enough to warm Jungkook's heart, knowing that he could be cookie again, instead of just Jungkook as he was to everybody else "think of your career, you don't owe me anything."
Of course. Of course, that was how Namjoon saw it, he thought this was Jungkook paying him back.
Because what was lying between them, the papers, was a near copy of the contract that Namjoon had made Jungkook sign when Jungkook had become his sugar baby. Back then it had been to protect Jungkook, to make sure that he was safe and there was no way that Namjoon could abuse his powers. This contract was much the same, the big difference being the fact the person who was the sugar baby this time... was Namjoon.
Jungkook had to pick his words very carefully, all the preparation, the hours upon hours he had talked with Taehyung had left his brain as he scrambled to find out what the right words were, all he could get out was the truth "I love you. It feels like I have always loved you, I don't know when it started, but I know that it has no end."
He finally got to say the words that had been building in his chest for months, even years. The feelings that he had tried to lock inside were finally out and free.
"But you..." Namjoon started, but Jungkook was quick to interrupt him.
"I know what I said, and it was stupid, I just didn't expect myself to fall for you so hard. I know I shouldn't have lied when I no longer needed a sugar daddy anymore, but I couldn't lose you." Jungkook refused to let himself look away from Namjoon as he wanted to "I set the rules, I know I did, and then I broke them. At the time I said them, I couldn't see myself ever loving somebody, let alone falling in love, but that was until I met you."
The way Namjoon stared at him made it clear that this was not what he had expected, as he softly breathed out the words "Jungkook, you are just confused."
It hurt that Namjoon thought so little of himself because that was the problem here. The older man really did think that Jungkook was just confused, that he couldn't possibly really be in love with Namjoon.
"I am not confused." he knew that he had to be straightforward with Namjoon. That if he let Namjoon over him at that moment, if he let Namjoon do the talking, Namjoon would talk them both into believing that Jungkook really was just confused, "I know what I want, I know how I feel, I am sorry that I haven't been good at showing it before, I am sorry for trying to hide it instead of just saying it. I thought it was better to keep it like it was instead of risking even the chance of losing you."
"Things have changed." Namjoon was clearly referring to the change in his own fortune, there was a sad little smile on his lips, and he looked so exhausted. As long as they had known each other, he had been Jungkook's rock, the one thing that made him feel stable.
"You are right." Jungkook tried for that soft easy smile that Namjoon himself often wore, the one that made Jungkook feel that everything was going to be alright "but it doesn't change anything, not really. It never changed how I feel."
"You don't...-" Namjoon tried to protest, but again Jungkook interrupted him.
"Yes, I do." he knew Namjoon, he knew that the man was about to protest that Jungkook didn't know what had changed, "I have known for a while, and I am sorry. I know you blame yourself for it, even if it isn't your fault. That is why the contract. I don't care about something as stupid as that, if anything I think it is good for you." Jungkook bit his lip, thinking it over for a short second before continuing "You were never happy as a business owner, you always wanted to do art. You wanted to write and to tell stories, and you are good at it. Before you had something holding you back, now you can actually do what you want. What you love."
Namjoon seemed genuinely taken aback by "what if it doesn't work out? What if it turns out that I am a bad writer? What if nobody wants to read some garbage I make?"
"Then at least you have tried it." Jungkook shrugged, he couldn't promise Namjoon that he would be successful as a writer. While he personally thought Namjoon was the best storyteller and he was sure that everything would be okay, promising it would be a lie that he couldn't provide, and that would not help him make Namjoon believe him "what I can promise is a safe place to try. There was no way of making sure that I would be successful, but you believed in me when nobody else did. Sometimes, what you need is somebody to believe in you, to care for you when you can't do it yourself."
"You don't have to pay me back, Kook." Namjoon's voice was so kind, and Jungkook could feel his temper finally give in. Nobody was going to insult his Namjoon like this! Not even Namjoon.
"I love you, stupid git! I am not trying to pay you back, I am not trying to make up for somebody! I am trying to love you!" He was not proud of how he reacted as he slammed his hands down on the table standing up "stop trying to talk me out of it! This is not a favour or something stupid like that! Don't treat me like a child! I know how I feel!"
He was breathing heavily, then realised what he had just done as he flushed deeply, but he didn't take his words back, he meant them, and with a soft voice, he added "you don't have to love me back. But please, stop trying to make me take back how I feel. It took me a long time to learn how to be this open with myself and to accept it. I am not going to change my mind now, not about this."
Namjoon looked at him, really looked at him, his expression both confused and thinking, like he wasn't sure exactly what to think about what was in front of him.
For a long while, they just stared at each other. Jungkook heavily breathing and Namjoon thinking, before slowly finding his words. Luckily he didn't look angry, or worse, scared, at Jungkook's yelling "you told me that the one rule you had was that I shouldn't fall in love with you." he stopped, once again trying to find his words as he swallowed heavily, looking away to avoid Jungkook's eyes "I planned on following that, but love is uncontrollable. You cannot control her, just as you cannot command her. It's one of the reasons that I ended up letting you go, I didn't want to let you down or disappoint you, so I felt it better to just pull away, especially since you didn't need me no more, and I knew where it was going for my business."
Unable to stop himself, Jungkook was across the room in a few strides, pulling Namjoon from his chair, an act that should be much harder than it was, and pulled him into a tight hug "you should have told me, I know how stressed you were getting, I wouldn't have cared, I still don't care. I just want you to be happy." his head was still whirling from what Namjoon had said, and he wasn't really sure he had wrapped his head around it.
Never had he dared hope for this much, never had he dared hope for the sheer idea that Namjoon would love him back, most he had hoped for was that Namjoon wouldn't hate him. That he would accept it, and be willing to give it a try because what he was offering Namjoon did not depend on Namjoon loving him.
"I have nothing to give in this arrangement anymore."
"You have you, which is more than enough, it's all that I want from you." Jungkook wasn't sure if he had overstepped, but he knew that his body was stiff and awkward.
That all changed as those long arms slowly, oh so slowly, wrapped around him as Namjoon returned the hug in a hesitant and slow way.
Neither of them said anything, just standing there in each other's arms. Namjoon was seemingly speechless, so rarely if ever out of words, but Jungkook had still managed to make it so. For Jungkook's own part, he wasn't ready to give this up so soon.
He was keenly aware of every part of his body that was touching Namjoon, even through layers of clothes, he felt as if he could still feel Namjoon's warmth against him. It was something that he had never once dared to hope that he would ever get to feel again.
Now that he had felt it again, that he had finally gotten to live again, he wasn't sure that he would ever be able to let it go. How was he meant to walk away from this now? How was he meant to keep on... being without Namjoon?
"I missed you, I missed you so much." Jungkook almost missed the words as they were mumbled into his hair, because no matter how much changed in their relationship, Namjoon was still a good part taller than Jungkook, curse him and his long legs. (Or do something more interesting with those legs.)
"Let's not do this again," Jungkook mumbled the words into Namjoon's shoulder. All the answer he got was the older man tightening his arms around him.
There were talking afterwards, both had been hiding things from each other and it was time for both of them to come clean.
It wasn't easy, nothing to do with the two of them had ever been easy, but in the end, the sun started to tease its daylight rays, on the table was the contract signed with Namjoon's name, and the two men were asleep on the big king-sized bed in the bedroom.
It wasn't going to be easy, but that meant nothing as long as they had each other.
The original promise was to never fall in love, but the new one... was to never fall out of love, and this one... they actually planned on holding.