| CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
| unblock me
ɴᴏʟᴀɴ ᴍᴜʟʟᴇɴ
"Was Oakley coming over today?" my dad asked, poking his head through my bedroom door.
"No. He has a work thing," I said. He was supposed to be performing some song with Hanna Gritz and he wasn't sure how long it was going to take.
"Could you check who's at the door then?"
I checked my phone, and surely, someone was in front of the door. I didn't recognize her immediately as she was facing away from the camera, but after a solid second or two, I identified the tall girl with bleach-blonde waves as my best friend.
"It's a friend," I told my dad, getting up from my bed to make my way down, but my dad stopped me.
"Does your mom know this friend?"
"Sorta," I said. They'd met once or twice, and my mom liked her. "I mean, she's already here. I can't not let her in now."
My dad crossed his arms and hesitantly nodded. "Fine. But you're staying here."
I figured I wasn't allowed to leave the house with some friend from high school he didn't know. For all he knew, Ava had been my supplier.
I made my way down quickly, opening the door for her. I quickly realized my mistake in thinking this would be like the last time we hung out. This wasn't going to be a distraction from all that's been happening. This was the exact opposite of that.
"Have you been avoiding me?" she asked, her arms crossed. She didn't even seem to have the intention to come in.
"Sorta," I admitted. "I'm so sorry."
"Are you really? Because I don't think you would've unblocked me if I weren't standing in front of your house right now."
She was right. Maybe I would've never reconnected at all just to save myself the embarrassment of the reveal of the double life I'd been living around her and Keith.
"It's humiliating," I mumbled, looking down at my shoes. "I spoon-fed you this one image of me, but you weren't getting the full context. And now it's just all blowing up in my face and I... I guess I panicked. I'm sorry, Ava."
Her eyebrows knitted together as she processed my apology.
"I was afraid of what you'd think of me," I added.
She crossed her arms and sighed. "I get it," she said.
"Please come in?" I asked her, opening the door a little wider for her. She wasn't her usual peppy self, and the fact of it clawed at my chest.
She walked past me with a blank expression on her face. At least, her expression was blank until we got to the living room where my dad was watching TV. She barely got to see my mom, and she knew my dad and I didn't have the best contact while I was in high school. Seeing him sitting on the couch was probably a bit jarring.
"Dad, this is Ava," I introduced her, sending she wouldn't do it herself.
She stuck out her hand, and looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.
"Nice to meet you," my dad said with a nod.
"We'll be in the kitchen," I told him, already making my way over. Ava quickly followed after me.
"What is your dad doing here?" she asked, punching my arm.
"My parents don't trust me to be by myself anymore," I explained. "I can't even leave the house unless I take Oakley with me."
"They know? God, we have so much to catch up on."
It was the first time today that she smiled. It was a small one, but it was there.
"So... I baked some cookies the other day," I told her, sliding the cookie jar in her direction. "What's New York like?"
She grinned, her eyes widening the way they always did when she got excited over something. But then her smile fell.
"Wait, these aren't laced with anything, are they?"
"Did you miss the part where I said I could not leave my house? Where would I find anything to lace them with, dumbass," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Thank the lord you're still the same," she said, taking a bite of the cookie with a grin.
Over the next hour or so, we caught up on everything. I'd told her about Fletcher, and how Vinny was likely the one to leak the photos. I told her about Oakley and how we spent our spare time at the beach house, and how he helped me through every panic attack and nightmare that kept me up.
She, in turn, told me about her roommate in New York, and a boy she briefly dated but who turned out to be a stalkery creep. She talked about what they taught her about the industry, and how she underestimated how important connections were.
She told me about Keith too, and how he had a girlfriend now. Her name was Kathy, and she was apparently super nice, but a major fan of both me and Oakley. Keith didn't tell her he knew me.
"When do I get to meet your boyfriend?" she asked me. I was expecting this question a lot earlier.
"You've been holding that one back, haven't you?" I asked her.
"Shut up and answer my question."
"Whenever you want," I said with a shrug. "I don't think he'll be coming over today, though. He's recording something."
"Oh," she said, a sad smile on her face as she looked down. "I'm flying back to New York in two days."
I didn't think she'd leave this soon, but it made sense. Christmas break was over, so she had to go back.
"Maybe you'll get to meet him tomorrow," I suggested, but it came out as more of a question. I didn't know if she's gonna be available after all.
"Maybe," she said, one of the corners of her mouth propped up. "I've been thinking of dropping out."
I frowned. She loved her major, and she loved the city. She'd never mentioned anything about dropping out until now.
"Why?" I asked. She looked away, her eyes off in the distance as she spoke again.
"I feel like I can learn so much more hands on, you know? I mean, I'm from LA, for fuck's sake. I have all connections I need. I just need to get my hands dirty."
I'd met a lot of production assistants over the years, and it didn't look as easy as Ava was making it sound. Even with some connections, the chances were one in a million.
"I get it," I told her, "but you really got to weigh your options. There's a lot of people trying to make it out here."
"I know," she said. "That's why I haven't finalized my decision yet. I'll finish the year at least, but I guess I'll see."
I nodded. "You know I can always give you a boost." I'd told her this countless of times, but I already knew what her reply was going to be.
"I'm not taking advantage of you."
"It wouldn't be 'taking advantage of me'. It would be 'doing what everyone else in this industry does'." The game wasn't fair, but I could at least make sure it worked in her favor.
She brushed me off as she always did, waving her hand around in dismissal.
"Just tell your boyfriend I want to meet him, yeah?"
My face grew the slightest bit hotter, and I nodded. When would I finally not heat up at the thought of Oakley being my boyfriend? "I'll tell him."
•••
Even after an hour of subtly nagging my dad about having a friend over from the other side of the country who was leaving in two days, I was not allowed to leave the house. Because of this, Ava and I kept ourselves busy with stories about people in her classes, and things that happened with my cast mates on set. But naturally the conversation swerved back to what held me in this situation in the first place.
"You never dated in high school," Ava argued. "We were the single triplets. That was the entire point. And you couldn't have lied because you're a terrible liar."
"I dated a few guys, it just didn't last."
Ava narrowed her eyes. "Who did you date?"
"Did you know Reese? Not the one from our year but the one above?"
Her expression was blank, and she slowly shook her head.
"I dated him for like a week. And then I dated Erwin. You know him."
"Yeah, from Drama Club," she said, nodding. "He was an asshole."
"Yeah, but he was hot. I don't think there really was a breakup. We just sorta stopped talking." We sort of fucked a few times a week and didn't talk outside of that. It made me feel horrible, so I found other hookups until I got to my last high school boyfriend. "And then there was Fletcher."
"No," she said, a grin on her face. "Keith and I always talked about how we thought he would make the perfect boyfriend. Minus the dealer part."
Fletcher was always known for being kind and mindful of everyone. He was unexpectedly strong, but quiet about it, so whenever someone was in trouble, he stepped in. He was the best out of my past relationships, but I could not see myself getting shitfaced every weekend anymore, and drugs and trauma were basically what our relationship was built on.
"He was, but I had to get my shit together." I didn't think that relationship would last forever anyway. I never got to love him like I did Oakley. Oakley made my heart race. He made my smile permanent. And not everything was about sex and drugs—a well-needed change of scenery.
"Do you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"For the most part." Of course there were things I was struggling with, like finding the right path to go with my career, or how and when to come out, and not running away from my problems, and dealing with my parents sticking their nose in my business...
Maybe I didn't have my shit together after all.
"You seem unsure," she said. A silence followed and she continued. "I mean, we're eighteen. Neither of us truly have it all figured out."
She was right. We were only teenagers. Except I felt like I owed it to everyone who looked up to me. If I, a rich, white, straight-passing boy with a predestined future didn't know what to do with my life, how was I supposed to inspire others?
I hated all the responsibility that came with being who I was. I couldn't make any more mistakes. I wouldn't know how to deal with all the criticism, which is why I purposely did not read the articles, or my social media comments, or anywhere where people could share their opinions on me. I liked living in the dark, but it was the only privilege I did not possess.
"I'll be okay," I said, more so trying to convince myself rather than Ava. "I have the best people around me anyway."
I didn't think I would've been so confident about that a few years prior, but I knew Ava would be here for me whenever I needed her. I now knew my parents did in fact care at least a little bit. And unlike a few years ago, I now had Oakley. I had never been so sure about anything until I met him.
"Only if you unblock me," she reminded me. I smiled, pulling out my phone to do exactly that.
I was truly starting to believe it. I'm going to be okay.
•••