Yeju
I hate it when girls cry.
Whenever Yuna cried, I ended up caving to her every demand and letting her win every argument. And when I saw Lia's bloodshot eyes, I felt myself shrivel too.
Shit. This day was terrible enough, and now, I made someone cry—a younger girl I am supposed to be in charge of. My heart strangles in my chest; all my anger dissipates, and guilt takes over.
I screwed up. I know I did.
When we are done cleaning up the autoclave, we go back to my desk. This time, I grab a chair for Lia to sit on. She sniffs as she thanks me, her usually sweet and silvery voice thick with tears.
Darren is still in the office, and I can feel his eyes drilling a hole in the back of my head. Heat crawls up my cheeks.
I know, I know. I screwed up big time. It's one thing to annoy Lia at home and another to scream at her in the workplace. Especially as her mentor.
But fuck, today has been terrible, okay?
I rub the bridge of my nose. "How much did Victoria tell you about the project?"
Lia shuffles in her seat. "She said... it was like... developing these things called small molecule inhibitors, and they can stop bacteria from being toxic without fully killing them, or something?"
So basically Victoria did not tell her anything substantial.
"Yeah, that's the... layman's description of it, I guess. I'll explain more." I open my laptop and pull out the presentation slides I made for a meeting a month ago. "As you probably know, our lab studies bacteria, especially those that exist in a community. My project focuses on the gut microbiome—a community of bacteria living in the gut—and this molecule made by the gut microbiome called colibactin.
"The gut microbiome has many implications on human health—you might have seen all the hype in the news or whatever. People have shown that this molecule, colibactin, can cause DNA damage and may lead to colorectal cancer."
Lia's hands fly to her stomach as if that could stop her gut microbiome from producing colibactin. I suppress a smile and return to my presentation.
"Our lab has done lots of previous work to figure out how gut bacteria make colibactin. And that's important because if you can figure out how colibactin is made, you can figure out how to stop it from being made. And that's what my project is about. The goal is to design something that can stop bacteria from making colibactin without killing that bacteria and affecting the overall bacteria community.
"After about three years of work, I made this small molecule inhibitor that can do just that. Here's what it looks like." I circle the picture on my slide with the cursor. "And here's how it works: the molecule binds to the bacterial protein and stops it from making colibactin."
As Lia admires the images, I cannot help but feel a small rush of pride. This is the end product of my work, the fruits of my labor. But as usual, bitterness washes away all traces of happiness in me. Right after this success were years of constant failures. Roadblocks and detours. Work that went down the drain.
Just like the entirety of today.
Anger boils over, and I let out a loud sigh to release it. Lia jolts at that.
"Sorry," I grumble. "Anyway, now we're working on the next steps for this project. This is where you'll come in to help."
"Next steps?" Gasping, Lia sits up. "Oh, oh, are we going to test it in mice or something? Like for a drug?"
My eyes flicker. This is a question people always ask whenever I present my project, but Lia asks it much earlier than I expected.
"We're not," I snap. Lia flinches, and I lower my voice. "I tried, but... no." And that is all the explanation I am willing to give.
"There are a lot of things you can do with an inhibitor," I continue, "not just testing it in animals and then pushing it into the market as a drug. I mean, that's the most profitable way of doing things, but whatever. I'm not working for a company and Victoria doesn't care for profits. Instead, I'm trying to grow resistant mutants. Bacteria evolve and mutate and develop resistance over time. But we can beat their natural evolution in a lab and then figure out how to overcome the resistance before it happens in real life."
Lia chews on her lips and tilts her head. "But your inhibitor is not meant to kill bacteria, right? I don't know enough, but... do bacteria develop resistance towards things that don't kill them?"
My mouth drops. How the fuck is she asking all the toughest questions from my committee members?
I peel my gaze away from her bright, curious eyes. "They might. Not as quickly, of course, but if it gives them a slight fitness advantage to do so, they might."
She nods, but she still looks skeptical. I don't blame her. After we found out that the mice experiments would not happen, Victoria asked me to find an alternative, and I came up with this in a pinch. It's not the best idea, and Lia seems to know that too. She's way smarter than I realized.
And now I want to crawl into a hole and die.
"Can I... ask another question?" Lia probes with her shy, singsong voice.
So far, all her questions pierced dead center through the cracks of my project. I gulp down my fear and say, "Shoot."
"Why do you have to do these 'next steps'? Why can't you publish this already? You have the inhibitor, and it works in bacteria."
Once again, her question slaps me right where it hurts the most. I feel my body slinking down my seat. I am so ashamed of myself. Of all the cracks within my project. Of my incompetence and not achieving anything today. Of my attitude towards Lia.
"You're right," I mutter. "This can be published. But Victoria has... standards. She only wants to publish in the top-tier journals, and those typically want to see a further application of your research. Have your research be applied to a greater scale. Have more relevance to humans. Help the greater society or whatnot. So... I have to do more."
Lia nods again. Her eyes dart all over my slides as she frowns and bites her lips. She must do that a lot when she thinks. And even when she is deep in thought, her posture is as elegant as ever.
What did Victoria say she was again? A sophomore? She's only a sophomore in college and she's asking so many good questions already. Victoria was right. Lia is talented.
Guilt crawls back up as I remember what I said to her.
"Talented my ass."
I shudder. God, I'm the ass.
Our discussions shift into the nitty-gritty details of the experiments we will have to do. After realizing the amount of work that is waiting to be done, Lia insists we remake the agar plates today. This time, we use the autoclave correctly. I teach her how to pour the agar plates after that, and how to grow bacteria on them. By the time we are done, it is dinner time.
As we clean up and prepare to leave, Lia is glowing. Her eyes are no longer red, and her cheeks are flushed with excitement. She is... happy. Happy to be doing this. The sun has set, most people have left the lab, and Darren has left the office too. Yet, she is still this radiant.
This energy, this spark, this pure love for science, for learning, for discovery...
When did I lose that?
I search within myself, and all I find are the sour taste of regret and the biting sting of anger.
And hunger.
"Hey, let's get takeout for dinner," I offer. "My treat. Take it as... a thank-you for staying so late. And..."—the next sentence takes everything in me to utter—"an apology for what I did earlier in the lab, and last night too."
Lia's already huge eyes widen even more. Then, she smiles so hard that her eyes disappear under her cheeks. "Okay!"
I hate it when girls cry, but I think I hate it more when girls smile like that. It should be illegal to have a face like that and a voice like that.
Spinning my chair around, I turn back to my computer.
"You head home first. I'll finish up some work here and then I'll grab food for us."
***
My feet have never been so light on my way back to the apartment. The In-And-Out burgers bounce next to my legs as I bound up the hills of Westwood. There are too many cars speeding next to me, and too many people chatting around me, but for the first time, I am not annoyed by any of that.
Instead, I replay the past few hours in my head. Lia's pensive expression as I talk about my project. Her bright, round eyes, and the way they lit up as I explained each component in the agar plate recipe. Her excited little squeal when I said, "Alright, time to grow some bacteria."
I chuckle, letting the warm, fuzzy feeling take over me.
My phone vibrates. It's a text from the Tinder girl yesterday. Oh, wow, she wants to meet up again tonight. I guess she must have enjoyed last night too much. As good as that feels, I shove my phone back into my pocket. The only reason I talked to her was because of the grand Operation A-HOLE, and after today, I am dissolving that operation.
I open the door—and I drop the bag on the floor.
Chloe.
It's small, but it's her on Lia's phone screen. I can recognize her anywhere. Chloe. My father's secret daughter. The person who blew up my family.
And Lia is fucking video-calling her.
"What the fuck?" I bark.
Lia puts her phone away and turns to me. "Oh- Oh hey, Yeju, you're back! Oh, you bought In-And-Out—"
"Why the fuck are you calling her?" My foot kicks a burger out of the bag, but I ignore it. All I know is I am trying not to throw up.
"What? Why not?" Lia argues. "She's my friend!"
"She destroyed my family!"
"Well, your father destroyed her life!"
I have nothing to say to that. Instead, I storm into my room and slam the door behind me.
Blood pounds in my ears as I lean against the wall and slide a hand down my face. What the fuck am I thinking? I got too carried away teaching Lia that I forget what the actual issue is with her.
She is Chloe's friend.
I don't care if I'm an ass, I don't care if this is unfair to Lia. She needs to move out. I can work with her in the lab, but I cannot live with her. Not when I have to see her calling Chloe in the fucking living room.
Fuck this shit. Operation A-HOLE is back in action.
***
A/N: All the science described in this story are based on actual published science research articles. If you are interested in reading more, the articles are all link at the glossary at the end of the book!