My pulse thunders in my throat as I run at a speed that ignored the frail state of my body.
Jayden pleads in mild distress for me to come back, begging for some sort of explanation.
I don't turn back though the feelings of guilt threatened to make my head spin, it wasn't enough to overpower my sudden anxiety driven nausea.
How could I be so stupid? Thirty minutes, I told myself thirty minutes then I would look for Kaylee.
I near the end of the hill and start whipping my head around frantically in search of Kaylee's usual group of friends.
"Jess!" My head snaps in the unexpected voice's direction thinking the worst only to be filled with immediate relief as I see Kaylee waving and walking towards me.
I quickly close the distance between us and firmly grab her arm, "We need to go."
Kaylee is nearly knocked off balance before she pries her arm out of my grip, "Who was that?"
Her attention is directed behind me to where I was previously sitting and I refuse to follow her gaze and instead walk forward towards our path home in hopes that she'd follow.
"It's no one, come on."
"Well I want to meet this no one."
I halt my movement and look at her with murderous eyes, "No you don't. Let's go."
She smirks as though I'm playing some game with her and teasingly takes steps back in the direction of Jayden.
"Kaylee De la Cruz." My voice had taken the form of a firm authoritarian and held no hint of a joke.
"Jess you never let me meet any of your friends— I didn't even know you had friends!" She whines in a pleading manner.
"We are late, we have to go—"
"Cortez wait up."
Jayden abruptly appears jogging in our direction and only stopping when he's standing next to Kaylee. She scans him up and down with the hint of a smile playing on her lips.
"Jayden I told you I had to go." I say in exasperation and evident impatience.
"I know, I just wanted to exchange numbers before you left. If that's cool with you."
Jayden pulls out his phone motioning it towards me and Kaylee looks between us with an expression of elation.
"I don't have a phone so goodbye—"
"You can give it to me. I have a phone and I let her use it sometimes, I'll make sure she calls you."
Jayden is taken aback, but I wasn't sure if it was the news that I was a teenager with a cellphone or the audacity of my sister that caused it.
He chuckles with a hint of bewilderment, "Your sister got a phone before you? I thought she was in the same grade as mine."
I didn't have a clear enough mind or time to come up with an excuse, all my racing thoughts were filled with the multitude of things my parents would have planned to make sure I know to never do this again.
"It's a crazy world we live in, I'll see you later." I attempt once more to pull Kaylee by her arm and she gracefully avoids me.
"Jess I don't want to go home yet, cause then I have to think about the horrible day I had and all the shit I had to—"
"Language."
"I'm old enough to say "shit" Jessica!"
Jayden watches the interaction with palpable discomfort, clearly not sure whether he should take his leave or not.
I roll my eyes and throw my hands up, "Kaylee I do NOT have time for this."
After the aggressive words left my mouth at the volume in which they did I instantly regretted it.
Kaylee startled slightly and after a moment I began to see her lip quiver. I sigh and drop my tense stance gently pulling her into a hug.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. What happened?"
Her chest bounces as she silently cries into my chest and I soothe her body with soft circles on her back, cradling her head.
Jayden shoved his hands in his pockets watching me with a look of concern.
"KK what's wrong? Talk to me." I attempt to coax her with a soft voice and her childhood nickname.
Kaylee sniffles a few times before lifting her head up to look at me. Her face was a new shade of pink and she had obvious boogers forming.
"Anthony broke up with me."
It took everything in me to refrain from throwing her to the ground in irritation. She was currently putting my life at risk because of some fourteen year old she was just complaining to me about yesterday?
I took a second to regain composure and put myself in a position of empathy. Regardless of how frivolous I assumed the situation to be, it felt very real to her and it was clearly causing her pain so that makes it worth my attention.
"Why? What happened?"
She removes her hands from their position around my waist and wipes her eyes harshly as she mentally relived the moment.
The somewhat crowded park slowly cleared out as people trickled home due to the incoming low temperature.
"He said I was "for the streets" which is him basically calling me a slut, and he did it in front of everyone! I bet it was his stupid friends or those high school baseball dudes that encouraged him to do it— or maybe it was just his over inflated ego, I don't know." She waved her arms around as she spoke and only took breaks to suck her mucus back in.
I hadn't the faintest idea what to say to calm her, it wasn't clear whether she was hurt over losing the guy or embarrassed that it happened publicly.
"Anthony as in Anthony Miller?" Jayden's voice suddenly chimes in and I was almost surprised to hear it after his long period of silence in respect of our semi-private conversation.
Kaylee turns taking a step back from me, "You know him?"
Jayden held a firm face as if he'd just tasted something bitter while appearing to be momentarily distracted by his thoughts.
"He plays for the Varsity team." I answered for him. Jayden snapped back as though his train of thought had been broken and he met my eyes. The corner of his mouth quirked a bit as if I'd said something he hadn't expected.
When he looked back to Kaylee his face resumed its initial seriousness.
"I'm sorry that happened—" He glanced back at me then Kaylee again, "—I'll see you ladies later." And he departed, seemingly heading back in the direction of the school.
When he was out of ear shot Kaylee looks at me with a quirked eyebrow and mildly devious smirk, "He's hot." I scoff shaking my head in disbelief, "Aren't you supposed to be sad?"
Kaylee rolled her eyes and turned so we could proceed in the direction of our home, "I'm sad not blind."
We began making our way back in silence which allowed my previous anxiety to resurface.
I didn't even want to think about how late it was because it would only worsen the intense feeling of impending doom that was sitting on my chest.
Each leaf that crunched under my shoe made me cringe as I compared it to the sound my skin would make against their various weapons. My parents never needed a reason to punish me but when the had one it was like Christmas for them.
I begin to habitually turn the ring on my right hand, the only jewelry I owned given by my real father, in hopes of reliving my stress. It only worked to distract me and nothing more.
As we turned the sidewalk onto our block my stomach dropped and suddenly there was no saliva left in my mouth.
Each step I took made the earth vibrate beneath me.
We reach the front door and I could almost hear a bell ding like the indication of a boxing match beginning.
We walk in and Kaylee speaks a quick greeting to my parents who were sitting suspiciously stiff at the dining room table before bouncing up the stairs.
I knew better than to move from my spot near the front door and as the sound of Kaylee's door closing rang through the house all our eyes met knowingly.
My mother's face contorted into an expression of disgust as she looked me over and stood up.
"What have we told you about getting Kaylee home on time?"
My eyes trained on her trying to anticipate her intention as I contemplated whether it was an actual question or a rhetorical one.
My step father stands up a few seconds after stretching in preparation for the imminent physical exertion.
"I-I'm sorry we lost track—" My face was met with a burning smack that held enough force to make my legs give out.
The healing wounds on my back alerted me to their presence with the harsh movement and I curled into myself on the floor despite knowing it wouldn't provide me any protection.
"Get up." She grips me by my hair and I search for my step father fearing his subsequent blow only to find him by the supply closet with a psychotic grin.
I'm pulled onto my feet and I attempt to silence my whimpers as she slams me onto the familiar wooden seat he began to drag over knowing it would only worsen the situation.
The thought of running away and living on the streets crossed my mind. It would be a dangerous life but nothing could be worse than this daily torment.
Before it could even become a fully formed idea my mother violently grips my face and forced me to look at her.
"You have one job, make sure your sister is safe and home on time." That was a gross understatement but I didn't dare point that out.
My mother takes a step back throwing my face away from her giving me what I thought was a break only for her spot to be replaced with Christian as he held a knife to my throat.
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't do it." And despite every nerve in my body being kicked into fight or flight I couldn't think of a single reason, not one.
I stared back into his narrow dead eyes like a deer in headlights completely locked into my seat.
"ANSWER ME." He slices my thigh ripping my pants open. I close my eyes in a tight cringe but hold still as the blood warmly pools.
"I can't." I quietly cry out keeping my eyes shut refusing to let him make me shed tears.
"How about now?" He cuts near the same spot, "Or now?" Another slice with the knife moving so fast through the air it made an audible whooshing sound, "Can you answer now idiot?!"
The blood no longer sat in one spot, it trickled over the split seams of my bottoms and traveled all the way down to my ankle and towards my inner thighs. Each wound made his voice appear farther and farther away from me.
"Look at your father when he speaks to you." I'm smacked on the left side of my face so close to my ear it starts to ring incessantly.
This man was no father to me.
I follow the command and squint my eyes open to find the room spinning and almost completely lopsided. They were dancing in front of my eyes without moving an inch. It was too much for my system to focus on his threatening face so I look beyond him and fixate on the red light of the house's new cameras.
He penetrates my skin once more, with more depth this time making me nearly fall forward out of the seat as I gasped. Christian slams me back and holds the knife to my face in warning.
I tried to tear my mind away from this moment and think instead of what I wanted my life to be, what it could have been. I envision coming home after school and sitting on the couch next my mother, laying my head upon her lap. She massages me lovingly inquiring about my day with the actual intent of listening and providing feedback. My father would come home from work and express how much he missed us before cradling me in his arms and reassuring me of how much he loved me. I would feel free and comfortable enough to discuss my hopes and dreams, my fears and weaknesses.
I would actually be a part of a family, I'd mean something to someone.
"Don't move Jessica, you know how much I hate it when you do."
He presses the knife closer to my throat effectively pressuring my airway to close while his other hand held me up by my hair.
"I will—"
"What are you guys doing?!"
Everyone goes rigid as we all snap our heads in the direction of the stairway where my sister stood horrified phone in hand.
As Christian's grip on my hair which held me up disappears I fall forward roughly landing on the ground by his feet and my vision goes dark.
When I come to, I'm lying in my bed on my back with pain radiating throughout my body. I notice my leg has been wrapped and there is an ice pack on my head.
As I slowly sit up the ice pack makes a noise falling off my head which causes a shift next to me, alerting me to the presence of someone else.
My eyes snap in the general direction of the movement trying to make out the figure in the darkness despite my pounding headache.
"What was that? Wha-what did you say or-or do to make... Why would they do that?" Kaylee's voice was timid and panicked but it was demanding answers.
I reach over with evident struggle and click on my lamp light to see her better and assess the situation.
She sat on the opposite side of my bed with a noticeable distance from me, hands clenched on her lap as she watched me with a tear streaked face.
"...It was nothing Kaylee." Was all I could come up with in the moment. I was sure a million thoughts were running through her head but there was nothing I could say to satiate her while protecting her.
Kaylee was safe because she was the favorite, because she pure and loved. There was no telling what could happen if my parents feelings were changed about her.
"Does that happen often?" I only stared back at her as she awaited my response. This was too much for me to handle without preparation or coaching.
"Why didn't you fight back?" My body emits a clipped laugh which felt inappropriate but couldn't be helped.
"I thought— I thought you were just weird. That our parents spent extra time with you downstairs giving you therapy or medications. You're telling me— all this time they sent me to my room so they could...." Her eyes were desperate at this point, pleading for me to reassure her that she hadn't indeed witnessed what she did.
After a few seconds of me saying nothing the trunk of her body began to shake.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." My eyes went wide as she raced to my bathroom and filled the room with the sound of her violent retching.
I distraughtly pushed my hair back, only stopping when I felt how tender my scalp was.
As the sound of running water and gargling rang I hastily constructed a lie.
Kaylee exits the bathroom looking pale and weak and takes a seat at the edge of my bed.
"Kaylee, it was a one time thing. I said something really disrespectful and they lost their cool."
"Cut the bullshit Jessica, I saw your other marks."
"Language..."
The reprimand held no weight though next to her heavy accusation that I had no rebuttal for.
"How long have our parents been constructing these horrible masterpieces? One month? Two?"
"...Eight years. Give or take."
It looked as though all the wind had been knocked out of her as she watched her perfect world burn to ashes.
"And you just sat there like a lifeless puppet and let them do it?!"
"What was I supposed to do Kaylee? Fight two grown adults? Or better yet, run away and let them do it to you? Maybe you would prefer if I had gone to the cops and got us both sent to foster care."
Her face instantly drowned in guilt and she visibly cowered into herself.
"..Why didn't you at least tell me?"
I had to break from her gaze because I couldn't stomach seeing her eyes well up with tears.
"It wouldn't have served you to know KK. You're safer not knowing."
It was hard witnessing Kaylee try to come to terms with this new information. I've had years to cope with it but this was all being thrown at her at once. It also didn't help that she had grown up with a sense of independence, intense self respect, and slight entitlement. If Kaylee were to ever be touched she'd be at the police station doorstep in seconds, regardless of the consequences.
As Kaylee sat and processed I could hear the faint mumbling of my parents next door, likely discussing their plan of action.
"Do you... want something to eat or drink?" Kaylee was looking me over with a different set of eyes, ones that likely noticed my sunken face and frailty. It had to clicking for her why only her favorite foods filled the pantry and fridge, and why I always suddenly "got sick" whenever they went out as a family.
"I'm good, thanks." There was an awkward air in the room as neither of us knew what to say.
I wanted to tell her that this was just some nightmare that she'd wake up from but it wasn't, this was our reality.
"Does your boyfriend know?" My eyebrows immediately knit together as I'm torn from my thoughts.
"My what?"
"The baseball guy. The one you're dating— or about to start dating?"
The heat spread along my face like a forest fire and I broke eye contact with her in embarrassment.
"Jayden and I— he's not my boyfriend. We're friends and not even that, he—" She interrupts me with a scoff followed by a mocking laugh.
"Yeah, I could use a friend that looks like that."
"Kaylee!"
She nearly falls off the side of my bed laughing and I couldn't help but be slightly relieved that her mood had lightened and she wasn't completely spiraling over this recent detrimental news about her life.
"Okay, he may not be but he could." She finally says with raised eyebrows as she calms down.
"No, there's no way I could explain cuts and bruises to a boyfriend, or the fact that he can never come over and meet my parents."
Her expression shifts to one of sympathy and I felt guilty for bringing her attention back to the sour realization. I readjust myself against the headboard in discomfort trying to think of something else to say.
"So you're telling me if that man made out of straight muscle asked you out you'd turn him down?" I'm gagged by the question and could only respond by face palming in humiliation. As she begins to laugh again I couldn't help but join in despite the injuries throughout my body screaming in protest.
It felt as though something was shifting in my relationship with my sister. It was no longer a situation where I was her silent guardian angel doomed to a life of secrecy and agony. It actually felt like a had a sister now, out of all the people in the world we could've gotten stuck with we got each other, and I was thankful for those odds.