***
so she put his heart into a bag he wouldn't ask for it back, he didn't want her to cry, she didn't want to be sad, she said you better not leave me this shit will be fucked for days, and weeks, and months but i fell in love today.
***
Vada
//
I have never in my life experienced genuine heart pumping fear that runs like a cold dark stream of water throughout my entire body.
Until now.
The man in front of me is twice my size. Maybe pushing about six feet tall as tattoos run up and down his arms, bleed up his neck and up the skin on his bald head. Dark eyes are anything but friendly. They peer down at me in a chilling way and I find myself crumbling under the touch of the gun that's pressing into the side of my head.
"I'm Robbie. You remember me right? I checked in a few weeks ago, met your grandmother and everything." His tone is casual, and when he smiles I recognize the same gold tooth.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you," He then states.
"No? Then why the fuck do you have a gun to my head?" My voice shakes as I speak, and while there's that genuine fear in me, there's also a pit of anger.
"For visual effect," He shrugs, and that's when he moves the barrel from my head and I watch as he places it back in his waistband. "Why don't you just chill out, here take a seat—"
"What the fuck do you want?" I get straight to the point.
"You're a fiery little thing aren't you?" He observes as I hold steady eye contact.
"You're the one who broke into my fucking house, so excuse me for not wanting to take a seat and have a friendly chat," I take a daring step forward.
I watch as a wider smile breaks out across his face. "Yeah, I can see why Styles is so smitten with you," He takes a step around me as he looks around the kitchen.
"I can also see why he's so interested in this whole white picket fence persona that you've got going on," His back faced me, and I started to weigh my options as my eyes glanced to the knife set on the counter and he continued to ramble on.
"You know, since he's never really gotten the whole family dynamic thing for himself." He shrugs, and then faces me again.
"And then there's you," he adds, tilting his head at me as I stay unmoving and silent.
"I get it, you like him because he's a little rough around the edges but is the same guy who gives you promises of sweet nothings the same one that I know?" He doesn't let me answer as he begins again.
"Because I sure as shit can promise that you wouldn't recognize the same conniving and relentlessness motherfucker that I see—"
"You don't know anything about him—" I try to start but he cuts me off with a laugh.
"No, and you do?" He questions. "Tell me Vada, what do you know about what happened to his mom, and his sister?" And then his words make me pause for a moment.
"What about his father?" He continued.
"I know that his parents are dead—"
"That's where you're wrong, because everything that he's told you about himself is a goddamn lie," Robbie shakes his head, that condescending smile still evident across his face.
"What does this have to do with anything?" I question impatiently now. "Why did you take those photos, what the fuck do you want—"
"Ah," He sighs out unpleasantly. "I took those because Liam Payne never does his own dirty work—"
"So that's why you're here?" I question." Because you're Payne's little bitch?" I scoffed, not being able to help myself and I knew that I was pushing it.
Robbie steps forward, a flame breaking out behind his dark eyes. "Bitch, you're lucky I'm not here to kill you—"
"Okay, then let's finally cut to the chase of what the fuck are you are actually doing here—"
"I'm here because you know shit and I need to make sure you're not gonna do anything stupid." He states. "I took the pictures because Payne needs proof that you and Styles are involved with each other." I watch as his eyes move between mine.
"That you're his weakness and the one thing that can destroy him," he smirks and snaps his fingers. "That's what Payne wants, he wants something to hold over Styles' head because we can all feel him slipping away and we need him to remain where he is."
"Slipping away?" I questioned.
"It's obvious isn't it? He wants out of the game." Robbie shrugs, and I realize how right he is.
"I'll say it, the kid is genius talented and that band of his is gonna take off any day." He admits. "But he is also Payne's top ring man and he can't afford to lose him."
I take in this information intently. Breaking it down and analyzing all of the alternate outcomes.
"And what if he does try to get out?" I ask carefully.
"Then my next visit isn't gonna be so friendly, strawberry blonde," Robbie smirks, and the nickname makes my heart drop to my stomach.
I take a deep breath in. "And if I go to the police for you breaking into my house?"
"Go for it, Payne's got every damn cop in this fucking state working for him." I watch him shrug carelessly. "But just know if you try, your boy is gonna pay and the blood is gonna be on your hands," He smirks, reaching in front of him to grab the large envelope off of the table.
Robbie steps forward standing inches away in another threatening manner. "You can hold onto these, I've got my own copies," He winks, handing it to me before he heads towards the back door.
But before he can step out I step forward. "What happened to Harry's family?" I asked and Robbie stopped before turning his head over his shoulder.
"Let me put it this way, only half of them are really gone, but the other half he's still repaying," He smirks. "But I'll let him tell you about the rest. I'm sure he would love to reminisce on old times with the girl who keeps his secrets." I watch the wicked glint in his eye turn darker.
"You might wanna start locking this," He then says, opening the door and stepping out. "I'll be seeing you around, Vada." He calls over his shoulder as the door shuts behind him but I am way too in my head to respond.
Knowing that his last words are a promise, I immediately move across the kitchen to lock the door behind him before rushing back to the front door to lock that one as well. I look out the window by the door, my surroundings silent and dark.
Headlights flash and I wait to hear his car start from the motel lot, then his tires spin on the gravel and finally he moves out onto the highway before disappearing completely.
With unsteady movements, I move back to the kitchen, finally grabbing the knife for some kind of leverage before I really let my emotions get to me.
I crash to the floor, my breathing becoming uneven as my stomach turns from inside of me. Pushing my knees up to my chest, I don't realize the way my fingernails dig into my skin on my arm until the sting wakes me back up.
"Fuck," I sigh out, tears leaking from my eyes and down my cheeks.
Even with all the doors locked, I still felt that uneasy feeling go up my spine and turn my stomach as I knew the only thing I could do now was wait.
I stayed unmoving on the kitchen floor for hours.
Knife secure in my hand, the clock above me ticked by and I've been counting every second. Each one turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours and then without blinking it was three in the morning. And Harry still wasn't here.
I wanted to move, but physically and mentally I couldn't.
I just kept replaying the entire situation in my head on a loop. Picking apart every word and every action. Then growing angrier by the second when I didn't hear the familiar hum of the engine roll from down the street.
When I do hear it though, it's five in the fucking morning.
I knew it would take him a few moments after not finding me in his room. Then I knew that he would rattle the front door handle like he's doing right now. Then he retorts to throwing rocks at my bedroom window before climbing the porch railings and up onto my roof and enters the house through my upstairs window.
I hear everything and yet I still don't move, not until I hear "Vada," Being called out as the wood stairs creaked behind his shoes and the tone in his voice was almost impatient.
When I hear his sneakers on the floorboards right outside the kitchen, I finally get up from my spot.
With all the lights off the sun was barely up and our surroundings were dark. But as soon as he walked through the door frame he stopped at the sight of me.
"What the—" He switches the lights on, and at first it takes my eyes a second to adjust.
Standing tall and as late as ever, the bruised boy in front of me looks at me like I have three heads. Then his eyes glance down to the knife in my hand and he carefully steps forward.
"Vada, what the fuck—"
"Where the fuck were you?" I'm stepping forward and pushing at his shoulders and I catch him off guard as he sort of stumbles back before regaining his balance.
"It's five in the fucking morning, you said you'd be back hours ago—" I push at him again but this time he's quicker as he grabs at my arms to stop me and successfully disarms the knife in my hand.
"Yeah, the last thing the world needs is you acting like a child with a fucking knife." His eyes switch between the blade and my eyes before he tosses it on the counter next to him.
"I got caught up, what the fuck is up with you—"
"Great, well why you were busy getting caught up," I shove my way out of his hold, and grab the envelope from off of the kitchen table.
"Your pal Robbie stopped by, and dropped off a gift," I shove the envelope at his chest, and with one look he's ripping it open and filing through the photos.
I watch as he shuffles through each one, his eyes analyzing them carefully. And when he looks up, black clouds green and his voice is a mumble as he speaks.
"What?" I question because I didn't hear him and then he suddenly steps towards me, eyes glancing over every inch of my body and face.
"Did he fucking touch you?" His voice is rough and I basically can see my reflection in his pitch black eyes.
"No, physically I am fine, but—"
"I'm going to fucking kill that son of a bitch," Without hesitation, he throws the photographs down onto the floor and turns towards the door in a flash.
"Harry—" I'm trying to pull him back by his flannel, and to keep my feet planted on the floor. But he's getting away so I move in front of him and then dash in front of the door before he can get to it.
"Get the fuck out of my way, Vada," His voice is unstable as his wild eyes light a mass fire behind them.
"No fucking listen to me, you can't just leave me again. I'm—" I pause and can't help myself as a sob cracks through my throat and breaks off my words.
As tears roll down my cheeks Harry's hard black eyes soften only a fraction. He then wipes a tear with his thumb as I bury my face in my hands.
"We can figure out what to do later just—" I begin, gathering myself together again.
"Just stay because I need you right now, okay?" I told him.
Watching me closely, I can tell he's going back and forth with himself in his head. But like he loses his own battle, he pulls me in close and rests his chin on the top of my head.
"Okay, just breathe," he tells me as he struggles to do the same.
Harry just holds me for a few moments and eventually both of our uneven breathing and shaking fists seize. And the comfort I'm given is what I needed to have a clear mind as I begin to explain what happened.
Sitting on the stairs behind us, Harry sits one above me as we talk. Although clearly violently on edge, he stays silent as I speak and even when I'm finished he struggles to hold himself together.
And after the few first quiet moments he finally mutters "I'm sorry," like it's the only thing he can say as he stands up and paces in front of me.
"I should have seen this coming," He then says.
"How were you supposed to—" I start.
"I haven't told you about something," He admits, standing tall in front of me as I wait for him to continue. But all he says is "I'll be right back," and turns out the door before I can stop him.
I rush out the door after him, standing on the porch breathing the muggy morning air and watch as the opening sky peaks its sun into my foggy vision.
Between wish-washed colors of blue-grey and the sounds of morning birds, Harry walks towards the motel, disappearing inside of his room. I wait for maybe fifteen seconds before he walks back out with something in his hand.
When he meets me at the stairs to my house he avoids my eyes as he hands me a similar manila envelope as the other one.
"What is this?" I take it, and open up to find out for myself.
"It was dropped off in my car a week ago," He states as I rip it open and the photographs inside shouldn't surprise me, but they do.
I flip through each and every one frantically as they are shot at the same angle as the last ones, the lens from far away but these captures are different because they're stills of just me.
There's several shots at night time of me walking towards the motel. Another one of me getting into my car from my driveway. One of me at the band's concert. In the motel office at the front desk. At the dock reading. At the library. At the fucking grocery store with my grams—
I drop the rest on the floor, not being able to stomach seeing anymore of them.
"Fuck," I sit back down, suddenly feeling dizzy.
"Vada—"
"Why didn't you tell me about any of this?" I questioned him.
"I thought I was figuring it out. Trust me, I didn't know this shit would happen." He shakes his head.
"Well, they are worried about you leaving, and you know there is a way—"
"It's not a fucking option, Vada." His vision clouds gray and the grit in his tone sends a pit to my stomach.
"Fine," I then agreed, standing up. "But I'm sick of you thinking you're in this alone. You think you're just protecting me, but now it's a lot bigger than that." I grab the remaining photos off of the floor and hand it to him.
"No more secrets," I make a rule because it's what we know best.
Harry's eyes analyze mine for a moment, before he smirks. "No secrets, but no fucking promise's either? Alright V, you got yourself a deal." he shrugs carelessly.
"I'm serious, asshole." I push by him as I head back towards the kitchen and grab that envelope off the floor too. "Secrets is what got us in this mess in the first place, and this isn't just some rule—"
"Yeah, yeah I know. It's a fucking deal breaker." He finishes.
***
Easy's garage on the other side of town is unusually empty for a Thursday afternoon.
As the smell of oil and the sound of soft rock plays from the speakers, trash talk carries underneath loud laughter. I'm shuffling through another end of cards as the boys lift up hoods and get their hands stained with grease.
But every time I look away I feel their eyes on me and I'm starting to kind of regret that I convinced Harry not to leave his band in the dark about everything. Especially after he showed the photographs tensions are set to an all time high.
"I mean, I totally fucking knew about this shit already," Niall said, eyes glancing between the pages of photographs of me and his band mate.
"Who didn't?" Louis kind of laughed, smirking up at me like he was glad to be let in on the secret.
"I don't think you two being whatever the fuck you are is our biggest problem at hand right now," Zayn then said, and I was glad we were getting back on track.
So the boys knew now, and maybe that was why I felt so off. Maybe because I felt like they all were looking at me differently. Whatever it was, it was all becoming very suffocating.
Needing a break, I throw the cards down on the table and pull back the metal chair on the pavement below me, and stand up. I avoid the fact that Harry's attention is always mine as he stands next to his drummer, the two working on the engine of a car and I move out towards the door for some fresh air.
Walking out to the empty parking lot, I lean against the back of Harry's car and take a deep breath. My senses gather my surroundings and between the wind in the trees, the gray in the sky and the noise of the swooshing cars on the highway behind me, I felt like everything around me was falling apart.
Everything since Sunday had been fucked up and I still felt like I couldn't breathe properly.
There's been a lot of sleepless nights and I feel pathetic because I'm afraid to be alone sometimes. And while I feel safer here with the boys and I know Harry's promises to never let me out of his sight were kept, that was overruled by the cloud of the canid photographs that crept in my mind.
I felt my skin crawl because even in the most crowded places I was never really alone.
"You guys don't need to keep checking on me," I then call over to Louis as he approaches.
The guitarist gives me a smile, blue eyes always shining with a dare. "Don't flatter yourself, princess," he says, standing in front of me with the stick of his unlit cigarette between his lips.
"It's a slow day, and the oil fumes are starting to give me a headache," He shrugs, curving his hand over his mouth as he lights up and then blows the draft of smoke towards me.
"Right well, I still know Harry wants you guys to watch me like I'm some infant," I take the cigarette from his lips and flick the ash before taking a drag for myself as he just watched me silently.
"Whatever, I'm just glad he's at least backed off a little," I shrug, taking another inhale before he snatches it back from my fingertips.
Harry's been around me more in the past few days than he's ever been all summer. In my room at night, at gram's breakfast table in the morning, and sitting in the motel office with me for the rest of the day. But whenever he looks at me, guilt hangs heavy in his blacked out eyes and he's all faded conversations while calculating my every move.
We make no secret rules and promise each other deals we can't keep. We're hanging on by a thread but eventually the truth will break both of us.
"You don't have to act like you've got it all handled, V." Louis smirks, smoke clouding the glow of his eyes for a moment.
"I know you're scared." he then says, and it makes me laugh a little.
"Yeah, well I'm not the one we should be worried about," I give him a pointed look so he gets what I mean.
His lead singer is a heap of trouble too big for anyone to control. Outrun by his addictions and the laws he likes to break, I'm not gonna bet on anyone in Harry's life to make it out alive. Because I've quickly come to realize that knowing him is the exclusive ticket to a corrupt life.
"If there's anything you should know it's that Harry can handle himself," Louis stated, shaking his head, adding "he's been doing it his entire life."
"He's been doing it his entire life because he's afraid to let anybody in," I shrug, not looking at his reactions when I speak and instead point my eyes up at the clouds in the sky. The grey forms heavier by the second as it hides any shine to the sun and the thunder breaks out somewhere more than forty miles from here.
"Yeah well, it's not bravery he shows," Louis says, throwing the butt of his cigarette on the gravel by our shoes before stepping on it.
"It's cowardice," he admits, and when my grey meets his blue light raindrops hit my nose before we smile but I don't get a chance to respond.
"You dumbasses better get inside before you get fried by lighting," Niall's yell is followed by the roll of the large garage door as rain starts to fall harder around us.
"You're not on your own, V. Stop pretending you are," Louis throws an arm around me as we head back in.
Inside the empty garage, the padder from the heavy rain sounds on the windows and the boys take a break from engine maintenance and oil changes.
"Deal me in," Niall plops down on the chair in front of me, and next to Harry as blue eyes are dazed and there's a tooth pick between his teeth as he adds. "I'm about to kick all of your asses in a game of Hot Chocolate."
"What the hell is Hot Chocolate?" Zayn brings up a chair and Louis sits in the one next to mine.
"It's like Go Fish, but instead of saying Go Fish you say Hot Chocolate," I smile at the glint in Niall's eye as I deal out cards between all of us.
"Where's your girlfriend?" Louis wonders, a cloud of smoke blowing from his nose as he passes the cigarette to his drummer.
"Family shit," Zayn shrugs, flicking ash between cards and our Coca Cola bottles and then his eyes meet mine.
Bottomless and empty brown, secrets cloud our vision that we both hide from my best friend. But it's the unsettling way we both go through hell and back for one person and one person only that makes my stomach turn.
With the five of us sat around the table, we play our games and shuffle our cards as the radio chimes in the background of our chatter and laughter.
"With the sudden unexpected rain forecast rolling in tremendously, we can expect these conditions for the rest of the week. We can also expect very similar conditions for this entire next month, putting our usual sunny forecasts on hold—"
Harry switches the station and turns up The Police's: Every Breath You take.
***
A/ N
make sure you follow my spotify to listen to the playlist. @finemoony <3