background:
hi there.
so, i guess i'll start by saying that this story came about after listing to a bunch of fall out boy and realizing how beautiful some of their lyrics really are if you listen deeper. i wrote down every line i loved and tried to sprinkle in as many i could here and there.
when i was about 3/4 of the way finished writing, i sat down and listened to their entire discography over the course of like 2 days and wanted to punch myself in the face because i found so many more little lines i wanted to add that would have been perfect. but alas, it was too late. sigh.
but i thought i'd lay out all the references here in case anyone was curious(ity- [haha]). some of them aren't direct quotes obviously, so i kind of paraphrased them. feel free to ignore this long love letter and read those if you're interested.
fall out boy is just so special to me. i've loved them since middle school and i'm actually seeing them for the so much for (tour)dust tour this summer! i saw them for the mania tour in 2018 and they were probably the second best live show i've seen (second to the pilots, of course). i wish i could have incorporated their new album! if anyone is interested in that, i would recommend heaven iowa, so much for stardust, flu game, and i am my own muse.
final author's note:
anyway, i hope you guys enjoyed this story. i loved writing it more than i think i've enjoyed writing anything. it was very different and somewhat experimental. it definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone as a writer and made me confront some of my own fears and personal mental health issues in a way that was actually very cathartic for me.
i hope it was somewhat educational and/or enjoyable for you all! my dms/comments are always open for a safe space to talk or ask questions. i am here for you as both a friend and psychology degree holder.
things like bpd, bipolar disorder, and alcohol/substance use disorders all have huge stigmas surrounding them. these stigmas are perpetuated by media. almost every movie/tv depiction of bpd is some manipulative, gaslighting, abusive person. every depiction of bipolar is very cut and dry, crazy and dramatic mania and then a lazy depression stereotype. alcohol use disorder is shown largely as stumbling drunks that neglect their families and substance use disorder has similar portrayals. mental health is not black and white. diagnoses/symptoms effect everyone differently. not everyone with bpd is abusive, not everyone with a substance/alcohol use disorder neglects their family, not every person with bipolar only experiences extreme highs and extreme lows. there are plenty of other variables there.
i wanted to write this because i've never seen a movie/show or read a book (much less a fanfiction) that deals with mental illness in the smaller details and in a way that we can see inside the person's thought process. tyler was manipulative and mean sometimes, sure. he pushed and pulled in his relationships. but here we got some of the reasoning behind it. bpd is largely focused on abandonment/attachment issues. he was scared and was in a very unhealthy, codependent relationship with brendon. i think it's important to get the person's perspective because we don't often get that in other forms of media, and that is a huge contributor to the stigmatization.
someone can do bad things when suffering from mental illness without it making them a bad person. survival mode is a scary thing. you never know what someone is going through.
i've dealt with a lot of my own mental health issues. i still do. i still have things i'm working on and behaviors/interactions i am trying to change. that's part of what i had to confront and challenge myself with while writing this.
at the end of the day, i'm a person. we all are. and all we can do is our best. all we can do is be there when people need us. all we can do is try.
struggling with mental illness, even if it means you sometimes hurt someone you care about, doesn't mean you are not deserving of love and happiness.
so please, be gentle. be patient. be kind. i am here for you. i love you.
thank you all for reading. thank you all for listening. thank you all for everything.
all my endless love and gratitude as always,
margo ♡
reference index:
i might've missed a few, but these are all i could see combing through it this time. also, i didn't check any of them for typos. yolo.
chapter one:
"im the best, worst thing that hasn't happened to you yet." - american beauty/american psycho
chapter ten:
"miserable and stunning." - the carpal tunnel of love
chapter eleven:
"i dont want to remember it all." - twin skeletons (hotel in nyc)
menthols are mentioned in this chapter and that's a super tiny detail but it comes from where did the party go
chapter thirteen:
"i'm just your early morning company." - fourth of july
chapter fourteen:
"you look so seattle, but you feel so l.a." - irresistible
"i'll check in tomorrow if i don't wake up dead." - alone together
chapter fifteen:
"just a problem that doesn't wanna be solved." - novocaine
chapter sixteen:
"what you do on your own time's just fine." - calm before the storm
"am i more than you bargained for yet?" - sugar, we're going down
chapter seventeen:
"i became such a strange shape from trying to fit in." - wilson (expensive mistakes)
"i always make such expensive mistakes." - also wilson (expensive mistakes)
chapter twenty:
"i think i fell in love again... or maybe i just took too much cough medicine." - american beauty/american psycho
"i don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." - i don't care
chapter twenty-one (pilots):
"frame me up on your wall, just to keep me out of trouble." - irresistible
chapter twenty-two:
"i said i'd never miss you... but i guess you never know." - fourth of july
chapter twenty-three:
"write me off... give up on me. what did you expect...? i'm just a lost cause." - a little less sixteen candles, a little more 'touch me'
"it's getting hard to know what's real." - church
chapter twenty-four:
"i think it looked a little better on me." - the phoenix
"if i can get my shit together, i'm gonna run away and never see any of you again." - wilson (expensive mistakes)
"you're the only place that feels like home." - i slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me
"i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." - nobody puts baby in the corner
chapter twenty-five:
"i just need enough of you to dull the pain." twin skeletons (hotel in nyc)
chapter twenty-six:
the butterfly bandaids come from disloyal order of water buffaloes
"your head is far too blurry." - also disloyal order of water buffaloes
chapter twenty-seven:
"where is your boy tonight? ... i hope he is a gentleman... maybe he won't find out what i know... you were the last good thing about this part of town." - grand theft autumn/where is your boy
chapter twenty-nine:
"there's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you." - wilson (expensive mistakes)
chapter thirty
"to hell with our good name." - hum hallelujah
"tell me i'm the only one... even if it's not true." - the last of the real ones
chapter thirty-one
"make it easy. say i never mattered." - young volcanoes
"[and be] golden in your memory." - w.a.m.s.
chapter thirty-two
"you were the only one that even kinda came close." - hold me tight or don't
"you read me like no one else." - it's not a side effect of the cocaine, i think it must be love (this song is soooo ab coded to me)
chapter thirty-three
"don't tell me you're fine. [honey] you don't have to lie." - fourth of july
"i'll love you till i don't." - sunshine riptide
"i'm gonna leave you." - w.a.m.s. (i know this line is vague but i was thinking of this song when i wrote it)
"i've lived so much life, i think that god is gonna have to kill me twice." - young & menace
chapter thirty-four
"promise and precision and a mess of youthful innocence." - saturday
"people will dissect us till this doesn't mean a thing anymore." - the take over, the break's over
"i don't know what you're doing to me, mon chéri, but the truth catches up with us eventually." - irresistible
chapter thirty-five
"we were never supposed to make it half this far." - young & menace
"so, you can get what you want, but it's never enough." - favorite record
"all those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep." - american beauty/american psycho (the description line & the line that inspired the title!)
"one day, we'll get nostalgic for disaster." - hum hallelujah
chapter thirty-six
"my conscience has called in sick again, and i've got arrogance down to a science." - i slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me
chapter thirty-seven
"i'm yours till the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away... i struggle to exist with you and without you." - bishop's knife trick
chapter thirty-nine
"you're holy to me." - church
"it's our time now, if you want it to be." - the kids aren't alright
chapter forty
"i'm half-doomed and you're semisweet." - disloyal order of water buffaloes
"divide me down to the smallest i can be." - uma thurman
"if there were any more left of me, i'd give it to you." - heaven's gate
chapter forty-one
"you are the sun and i am just the planets spinning around you." - the last of the real ones (man this song is also really ab coded)
chapter forty-three
"letting people down is my thing." - just one yesterday
"i can't not be with you, or be just your friend. i love you to death, but i just can't... i just can't pretend we were lovers first. confidants, but never friends. were we ever friends?" - hold me tight or don't
"you are my favorite what-if. you are my best 'i'll never know.'" - fourth of july
"i'm the last one that you'll ever remember." - jet pack blues
"remember me as i was, not as i am." - rat a tat
chapter forty-four
"i know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as i do." - the last of the real ones
"i don't want to forget how your voice sounds." - dance, dance