After kuya Ed visited me, kuya Eli told me he'd just make a valentine's delivery for me through a phone call since he had plans with ate Maya on the fourteenth. Honestly, I don't know why my brothers always give me gifts during valentines. I think of that occasion as a romantic-focused event. So, ewan. Okay na rin, at least may pa-flowers sila. Si Eve naman, usually paper flowers ang binibigay sa akin, ang totoong flowers ay para sa nanay namin.
"Naiirita ako," ani Mari matapos niyang sumalampak sa upuan sa tabi ko. Hindi ako nagtanong kung bakit siya naiirita dahil alam kong namang magsasalita siya kalaunan.
"Malapit na ang araw ng mga patay, ayaw kong dumating ang 14, leche!" I glanced at my classmate and continued re-reading my paper on Econ.
Habang tinatama ko ang mga grammatical errors ko, naramdaman ko ang pagkapit ni Mari sa braso ko. Napatingin tuloy ako sa kaniya. I raised my brow as he sighed loudly.
"E 'di, lumandi ka, para may kasama ka sa 14," suhestiyon ko. Umiling si Mari at inalog lang ako ni Mari hanggang sa pumalatak ako sa inis.
"Wala kang pag-asa kay William," prangka kong saad. "Grabe ka!"
I sighed. "First off, he's heterosexual. Second, may crush na 'yon sa CP," nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mari. "Future pharmacist kalaban ko? Shit naman!"
"Iba na lang kasi, I'm sure others would be happy to be your date on the fourteenth, Mari," bumalik ako sa pagababasa ng papel kong ipi-print mamaya.
"Wala ka bang kilala?" umiling ako nang hindi binabalingan ang kaklase. "Ikaw, ayaw mong magpahanap sa 'kin?" again, I shook my head.
After a few minutes of Mari's groaning and complaints about being single, our classmates gradually entered. Napasuot ako ng jacket ko dahil sa lamig ng hangin, nasa GAB kami right now at malamig talaga sa building na 'to, bawat classroom may aircon. Sa RH kasi, may ilang lugar na hindi air-conditioned... Mas gusto ko rito.
"Hindi ko natapos 'yong reading kay Plato, 'tang ina," ani Lara habang umuupo siya sa tabi ko. "Natapos mo?" pagkuwestiyon niya sa 'kin.
"Oo, dalawang oras lang tulog ko, ang sakit nang ulo ko," sinara ko ang laptop ko at nakipag-usap na sa kaibigan habang hinihintay ang prof.
"Kumusta pala? Nakausap mo ba si Gray no'ng Friday?" as I was putting my things in my bag, Lara asked me that.
"I talked to him, but I wasn't able to convince him. And, he insulted me."
Sumimangot si Lara. "What did he tell you? Paano'ng pang-iinsulto niya?"
"I told him I needed his help, that I had to learn how to commute or I'd just have a hard time, you know, studying. But he said I have a bed, a house, and I can have a 'good night's sleep.'"
I looked at the door of the room before continuing.
"He was saying that as if I wasn't allowed to complain. The arrogance he had was beyond my imagination. Unang meet pa lang namin, alam ko nang mayabang siya. Pero ibang klase pala."
I reminisce in my head the time I went to España for the first time. Kung paano inakala kong maniyak siya.
"Sorry, ako na magso-sorry for him, Eloise." Bumuntong hininga ako. "Hayaan mo na. I understand naman na siguro nainis siya dahil kinulit ko siya ng kaunti, pero hindi ko naman yata deserve 'yong mga sinabi niya. 'Di ko deserve ma-judge dahil lang humingi ako ng tulong."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't realize he was an asshole. Mabait naman 'yon usually, e, suplado lang. Pero hindi ko alam ano'ng nagbago," I absorbed her words and just stayed quiet.
Our SocSci professor came and the oral recitation began. I was called first.
"Ms. Madrigal," I stood up. "Do you think it's fair to say that Plato's arguments regarding the 'ideal society' benefit everyone?"
For a moment, I contemplated. Then, I answered.
"No," our professor looked at me as I continued, "because it would be unfair to say that a group of people who claim to be enlightened decides for every single person in a society. I understand that the role of leaders is to make decisions that would benefit everyone or the majority of people. However, what is a leader without their followers? Not having the humility to listen to people's voices just proves how unworthy a person is to be a leader."
Our professor cocked his head to the side. "But Plato argues that the rulers know what's the real definition of right and wrong, why won't the followers just listen?"
"Because a couple of philosophers can never truly know what is good and right for each citizen, right and good are subjective to many. There may be normative good and right actions but circumstances vary. A house given to the poor for free might sound good, but for a businessman who owns many lands that create houses, it might sound bad for the business."
"Isn't that exactly why we need to trust the rulers? Because they won't let the rich reign over society."
"Even if that happens, every person has free will. I firmly believe that a personality of a person does not equate to them deserving to be coerced, everyone deserves to choose for themselves. They deserve to choose who will lead."
Tumango ang prof ko at pinaupo na ako. He called another student.
"Of which arguments of Plato do you agree with and why," tanong niya habang tumatayo ang kaklase ko. "Injustices occur when you do something out of your nature, hence I agree with Plato's three-split society."
"Elaborate." Our prof muttered while walking in the middle of the room.
"I learned from Ethics last semester about the Myth of the Three Metals. Some people are born to be leaders, some are to be nation-fighters, and the rest, as craftsmen or workers. Leaders should be chosen by people with enough intellectual understanding of politics, economics, social topics, health, justice, and other relevant factors to consider. Whoever is chosen must be someone who's a philosopher, someone who does the job of a leader or ruler for the sake of doing the utmost good. When a worker wants to be a leader even if they lack the experience and philosophical views, then many things can go wrong for a state. Hence, injustices rise to life."
"So, you disagree with Ms. Madrigal? That every person must have the right to choose who their leader should be?"
"I do."
Tumango ang professor at pinaupo na ang kaklase ko. Marami pang tinawag si Sir hanggang sa mag-ten minutes before the end of the period. Pinayagan na kaming umalis dahil iba-iba ang classrooms na pupuntahan namin para sa susunod na period. 'Yong iba, pupuntang RH, 'yong iba pa, sa Pedro Gil side ng UP naman.
"You'll probably receive an apology from my fucker of a cousin later," kumunot ang noo ko sa winika ni Lara nang makalabas kami ng room. "I messaged him, scolded him for his parents."
"Hindi mo naman siya... tinakot, 'di ba? You know, the blackmail thing," umiling si Lara. "No, ayaw mo naman, e. 'Tsaka, ayaw ko na pilitin 'yon kung iinsultuhin ka lang. Hindi mo naman na rin gustong magpaturo sa kaniya, 'di ba?"
Tumango kami habang papasok sa GAB. "Titiisin ko na lang, pipilitin ko na talaga si Dad na turuan ako by this weekend."
"Pa'no ka pupunta ng UP Fair? Hindi ka makasasabay sa 'kin, e, since we have classes and all." I fixed my backpack. "Kuya Eli will fetch and bring me home on the Wednesday concert, tapos si kuya Ed naman sa Friday."
Inakbayan ako ni Franko at nagsalita. "Inom tayo sa Friday, isabay mo na lang pauwi 'to, Lara," siniko ko nang bahagya ang kaibigan. "She has dinner on Fridays, tanga."
"Oh, shit, oo nga pala. Hindi ka sasama sa Friday, Lara? Magpe-play 'yong Orange and Lemons," sumimangot si Lara. "No, I can't. Nakaiinis nga, e, nagsabi na ako sa parents ko, pero ayaw nila akong payagan."
"Sama ka ba?" tanong ni Franko sa 'kin. "I'll tell my brother, sige," ngumiti ang kaibigan ko at inipit pa ang leeg ko. Malakas ko siyang siniko this time.
Pagpasok namin sa classroom, may ilan na kaming kaklase na nakaupo. My friends and I were talking about what time we'd meet in UPTC nang dumating ang prof.
Nagturo ang professor namin ng DS ng relation ng economics at politics sa development. I was quietly listening when I saw my phone light up from my bag. Hindi ko 'yon pinansin agad, pero naalala ko ang sinabi ni Lara kanina, na baka nga mag-sorry 'yong pinsan niya.
I went ahead and smoothly used my phone while my prof was speaking. I looked at the notification and saw Graham's Facebook name. I opened the notification and saw Graham's reply to my past messages.
Gray Laurel: .
Tumaas ang kilay ko at sinara na lang ang phone ko.
Bumubuwelo ba siya para sa apology niya?
After a minute, Graham messaged again.
Gray Laurel: eloise
I didn't reply. I'm waiting for that sorry. I deserve that.
When the period ended, Graham's message wasn't followed by anything anymore.
Masiyado bang mataas ang pride nito?
"Sa'n n'yo gustong mag-lunch?" William asked as he wore his small backpack. "RobMan na lang, or gusto n'yo bang i-try 'yong food stall sa gilid ng RH?" ani Lara.
"Let's try, I haven't eaten there yet." Sagot ko paglabas namin ng room. "Ano-ano bang kainan do'n uli?" si William.
"May Rodics do'n, 'yong sa UPD, may siomai rice, Paotsin, tapos may parang carindeya na nagse-serve ng lutong-bahay." Paliwanag ni Franko.
Naglakad kami ng kaunti at narating ang lugar ng mga food stalls. Ang daming estudyanteng kumakain sa mga table at upuan. Marami rin ang nakapila na, may mga naka-white scrub suit pa nga, e. Mukhang mga dumayo pa sila para kumain ng lunch. Usually kasi, ang mga naka-white scrub suit students ay makikita lang sa Pedro Gil side. Mga medicine-focused.
"Ano'ng kakainin n'yo?" tanong ko habang pinagmamasdan ang menu ng Paotsin. "Siomai ako, haven't eaten that in a while." Wika ni William sabay pila niya sa bilihan ng siomai.
I turned to Lara and Franko who were both staring at Rodics. "Dito me," turo ni Lara sa Rodics. Sumunod si Franko sa kaniya at ako ay pumila sa bilihan ng siomai din.
"Dumpling with rice po," saad ko sa tindera na ngumunguya ng pagkain.
She took a paper cup filled with rice and opened the lid of the dumpling before putting four pieces of dumplings on my rice. I handed my 100-peso bill. She gave me my food, spork, and change. My friends and I sat on the stairs behind the Oble to eat.
"Anong susunod n'yong class?" tanong ni William habang pinipisil niya ang plastik ng toyo sa kanin niya at ulam. "Kom ako," sagot ko bago saglit na nanalangin.
"English version ako ng Kom," ani Lara na siyang nagpatawa nang bahagya kay Franko. "Corny mo," ani William. Binato ni Lara si William ng plastik at nagharutan sila.
"Excuse me po," natigil ang mga kaibigan ko nang may gustong dumaan sa gitna namin upang makababa ng hagdan. Umusog kaming lahat bago umayos ng upo at kumain na.
Habang ngumunguya ako, umilaw muli ang telepono ko at lumitaw na naman ang pangalan ni Graham. Patuloy lang akong kumain dahil duda na akong humingi na siya ng tawad sa message niya.
"Anong org sasalihan n'yo?" Lara asked in between her munches.
"Pre-med Society ako, I think Franko as well," ani William. Tumango si Franko at nagsalita "Kayo?"
"Thinking of not joining, actually, since 'yon nga, I want to go to UPD. Ikaw, Eloise?" wika ni Lara.
"Wala."
"Ayaw mo?" si Franko. Tumango ako at patuloy na kumain.
Hindi na sila nag-usisa pa, ipinagpasalamat ko 'yon. I didn't know how to answer them anyway, kung tanungin man nila ako if wala ba akong hilig. Wala kasi...
I'm just a floating lifebuoy right now. Unsure of which way I'd swim. Unsure if I can actually swim since I merely float for people.
I was never sure since high school what profession I wanted to have. As a kid, I looked up to Dad because of his passion for healing. But I soon realized how difficult it is to study medicine and how tiring his work was. It wasn't for me. Besides, I'm not... as kind as Daddy is. I feel like if my patient was being annoying, I wouldn't be considerate as Dad is.
Sinubukan kong mag-isip one time nung high school kung ano ang gusto ko. Engineering was full of math, and I was horrible at it. Law was... scary for me. The field of arts, on the other hand, needed dedication and actual artistic abilities—I didn't have those. Scientific programs never appealed to me.
My current program was just... a random one I chose. Interesting naman siya... pero hindi ako sobrang invested. Minsan, iniisip ko na ang future ko ay maghanap. Pero hindi naman puwedeng habang buhay akong naghahanap ng para sa akin na trabaho. Kaya tuwing may nagtatanong kung ano'ng gusto ko, it's unsettling for me.
Everyone around me in school was either sure or had choices of their own for their future professions. I was one of the few that was... uncertain... unfocused.
I wish Mommy was here with me. She'd always make me feel at ease.
Nung natapos ang huling subject ko, nag-text si Lara sa akin na puntahan ko raw siya sa RobMan dahil gusto niyang may kasamang kumain ng dinner. I sent her a text asking which place we'd eat in.
Sumagot siya.
Lara Laurel: popeyes
Tumungo ako ro'n at nakita ang kaibigang nakaupo sa isang table mag-isa. She was putting on some lipstick when she noticed me coming near her. She smiled and waved. I smiled back and sat in front of her.
"Wala ka naman nang class, right?" tumango ako at binaba ang bag ko sa paanan ko. "Ikaw?" umiling siya.
"Libre kita," tumaas ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya at napangisi. "'Yan ang gusto ko sa 'yo, e," natawa siya.
"What do you want?" lumingon ako sa menu no'ng Popeyes, pero hindi ko mabasa dahil medyo malayo kami. "Tingin ako, wait."
Naglakad ako patungo sa harap ng counter at tinignan ang masarap kainin. Pagbalik ko kay Lara, hawak niya na ang wallet niya at nagtitipa na sa telepono. I told her my order, she nodded and left to go to the counter.
I took out my earphones and connected it to my phone. Nakinig ako sa isang malambing na kanta habang hinihintay ang kaibigan.
I sang along in a whisper.
"Halik ba talaga,
Ang gagana sa iyong tingin, hmm,
'Lam mo ba,
Naiisip ko pa rin mga gabi na magkatabi,"
Bobbing my head as the sound and lyrics dominated my mind, I opened my phone and scrolled on Instagram. I saw ate Aly's post, it was my brother who was holding a bunch of tulips toward her. I left a comment, teasing my brother.
elomadrigral: sweet naman ni 'pinakapoging' kuya -kuya !
Pag-angat ko ng tingin dahil sa nakitang shadow sa table, akala ko tapos nang bumili ang kaibigan ko't nakabalik na. Ngunit ibang pares ng mata ang nakita ko.
I took off my earphones at thought of a reason why this person was in front of me. Pinapunta ba siya ni Lara o hinahani niya si Lara?
Graham was just staring at me with a neutral expression. Kumunot ang noo ko, ba't nandito 'to?
"Lara is at the counter," I muttered before putting my earphones back to prevent any conversation between us. I refuse to speak with a proud person who doesn't acknowledge his wrongdoing.
Lara soon came. I just looked at my phone until my friend called me.
"Ano?"
"Gray has something to tell you."
Binalingan ko ang pinsan niya na ngayon ay nasa tabi niya.
Graham was looking at his cousin before sighing and scratching his right brow.
"What do want to tell me, Graham?" my voice was hostile, like how his face was the last time we interacted.
The guy looked at me but soon lost eye contact. Siniko siya ni Lara, pero hirap na hirap si Graham na tignan ako ng diretso. Umirap ako at ginamit na lang muli ang phone ko.
After a few minutes, I stood up and presented to get our orders at the counter. Si Lara ay parang aapila pa, pero tumalikod na ako bago siya nakapagsalita. Looking at the huge menu from the screen, I felt a presence beside me moments after I got to the counter.
"I'm sorry that I judged you even though I know nothing about you."
Hindi ko nilingon si Graham. Ang tanging ginawa ko ay ang pagkuha ng tray ng pagkain namin ni Lara. Tatlo ang... plato... Kasama pala talaga namin si Graham.
"Eloise," tawag sa akin ni Graham habang hinahawakan ko ng maigi ang tray, "ako na." I let him do what he wanted.
Pagbalik sa table namin, Lara was grinning.
And so, we talked about how Graham would teach me how to commute.