a/n: this is literally 8k words i'm sooo sorry sdkjfsdf also if you've read one of my things before you know i live for the dramatics so i apologise in advance hahah
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[ Final Chapter ]
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Brazil, 2012
«I think I've seen this film before.»
"Where's Cassandra?" He asked, the sound of his voice muffled by his own helmet.
Britta looked at him. Engineers and mechanics tried to rush him into his car. "Seb, I'm sure she's around. You need to get ready."
He hesitated for a moment but nodded, climbing into his car. The morning had started alright, he saw her and she said she'd catch him at the circuit, that she had to do something else before the race. He didn't question what would Cassandra had to do in Sao Paulo thinking probably tourist stuff or something. That was the last time he saw her. She said she would be there. Sebastian understood why she had been avoiding getting closer to anything Red Bull that weekend, but he assumed she was around, at least.
Now he was getting worried. Because she was supposed to be there.
"Head in the game." His team principal said over the radio. "This is the title decider, Seb. Head in the game." He repeated.
Head in the game. He took a deep breath.
The race had started awful to say the least. He lost places and then spun around, sending him to the back and causing damage to his car. In a title decider. Head in the game. It was fine. He was recovering positions. He had to. Christian kept talking, instructions, he was thinking about the race and other stuff. Every single move, pit stop, overtake, everything felt like a rush, but Sebastian remained collected. There were reports about what the Ferraris were doing, about holding position and whatnot. It was fine, he was recovering. Then there was the pit stop, it had lasted more than it should have because his radio had failed and the team wasn't ready, and he could already picture people saying that was it. But he continued. That was his championship.
It was raining, and he was recovering positions, and suddenly a Mercedes let him take sixth position. His heart was beating really fast. There was a safety car deployed, and that would be the end of the race. He knew the Ferrari had taken the podium, but it didn't matter because he had scored more than the necessary points to even have a few extra ones. The sounds coming from the radio as he passed the checkered flag were a mixture of everything he wanted to listen to.
You're the man. You're the triple World Champion. It was all coming from the radio. Then obviously he burst into congratulations and excitement, and probably a few strong words too. It was the high of the moment. The question slipped out in the middle of all the babbling. A quick 'is she there?'. But obviously, there was no answer because there were only celebrations, and he wasn't even sure he was being clear enough and they were listening to him correctly over the radio.
There were hugs and congratulations, and he was being passed around as soon as he got out of the car. Everything was loud and wet under the Interlagos rain. The high of the moment was too much, but he still searched with his gaze. Nothing. Britta hugged him in congratulations and when she pulled away and held him by the shoulders he looked at her and she looked at him, probably knowing what he would ask next.
"Where's Cassandra?" Sebastian asked again, louder this time because there was too much noise.
The woman looked at him weirdly, and he didn't know if that was good or bad. Later he would though. "Seb—"
She never got to finish of course because he was already being engulfed in another round of congratulations. He knew what that was like. The itching feeling was still there, but he smiled because he was happy. He won again. But Cassandra was nowhere to be seen. His stomach dropped at that thought. The fuzz slowly died down as everything, the twisting feeling was still there, and when Sebastian made it to his driver's room to find his phone and call her but saw Britta standing there looking at him with a weird expression, something shifted inside him.
Cassandra truly wasn't there. He felt pressure in his chest.
"Seb, someone told me to give you this." She passed him what seemed to be an envelope.
He grabbed it with shaky hands and looked down at it. To Sebastian was scribbled on one of the sides. Britta placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed in a recomforting manner before telling him that she'd be back later when he was ready. His whole body felt heavy as he slipped into his driver's room. When he sat down and opened the envelope, his heart sank.
« Dear Sebastian,
By the time you get this letter, you'll be celebrating your championship. I know you said you might win it, several times, but I'm sure you're going to be the winner. That much I know.
I also know this is strange, and I should be there, but I hope you get to understand why I'm doing this. Not only for myself but also for you. Especially for you. I have lied and hurt you, and for that all my sorries were real. The thing is, you're a good man, a lot better than I am for sure, and I don't want to risk hurting you again. You forgave me for what I did and even dared to look past my mistakes, which not a lot of people would do, but you did because you're good. I like to believe this is just because feelings blind reality. It's the only explanation I have for things.
What I'm doing here isn't easy for me, and you'll probably hate me after this, more than you ever hated me before, when the article came out or when you thought I was sleeping with Matteo, but the reason I'm doing this is that I thoughtfully believe you deserve better than me. I'm not as terrible as I used to be, part of that is thanks to you, but I'm still not in a good place. At least not to be with someone like you. Sebastian, you need more than me.
There's no guarantee that we would've lasted enough for this, but you deserve someone who wants the same things as you, and I'm not that person. What I'm trying to say here is that I don't want to lead us into something that won't have a good end. I hate to think you would feel miserable by my side one day, and the other way around. I wanted to change things for you, but I'm not sure that would ever be enough. I think you should be with someone better, with someone who isn't deathly afraid of meeting your parents, someone who isn't going to make you feel like you have to be responsible for her and her well-being. Someone who loves the way I know you're capable of loving.
Sebastian, my feelings for you are very real, but I don't think I love myself enough to be with someone like you and give the best parts of myself. I can't offer you someone who I don't even know who she is.
You have every right to hate me right now, and I hate myself for having to do this, but the overwhelming feeling was too much. I hope one day you'll forgive me, properly, for all my misgivings, because I'll forever be sorry for the pain I might have caused in your life. That's something you never deserved.
I'm sorry, Sebastian. »
The paper crumbled under his fingers. Then his fist. He wanted to scream, maybe throw up. Sebastian blinked a couple of times and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, the champagne and sweat made them burn. The calls to her number didn't go through and the messages were never delivered. It was like she had faded. Sebastian wouldn't lie, it did feel like someone was ripping something from him.
Later someone would ask him if he was alright, and another person would tell him to cheer up that he just won one more championship, and that he was acting like he was at a funeral. His dad would ask in the middle of the celebrations about the girl, and Sebastian would swallow everything and tell him she was just someone he knew from the paddock, not Cassandra the person who wrote the article and a letter. He would get drunk for the victory or the heartbreak. Or both. Then he would blame himself because he should've known.
The worst of it all was that he still remembered her smiling. And would probably be like that until he managed to forget.
Someday.
—
Silverstone, 2017
«It's been a long time, and seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain. It wasn't right the way it all went down. Looks like you know that now.»
Sebastian stopped writing in his journal, he slightly raised his eyebrows at the sight of the Ferrari employee in front of him reading attentively in front of him. She was even nodding from time to time as she took the words from her book in, sometimes taking the time to mark some passages that she found interesting, or so she thought.
He was a people person, he liked to pay attention, sometimes a bit too much, so no one could blame him for feeling so amused at the level of concentration the woman in front of him was putting on her book. When she stopped reading for a moment to take a sip from her coffee or tea, or whatever, he took advantage to ask her what she was reading. Out of pure curiosity and interest.
"What do you have there?" He asked, pointing with his finger at the book in her hand.
She was startled for a second but smiled in relief when she saw the driver. Sebastian could recognise her from working with Silvia. The woman flipped the book so they could take a look at the cover of it. A minimalist red title against a white background was all he could catch.
"Oh, it's called Love Or The End Of It." Her smile grew bigger. "It's a pretty interesting read, the author narrates her view of love through the three times she lost it, and how that changed her perceptions about life and human relationships." She made it sound like a description from the internet, then continued. "It's about unknown love, paternal love, and romantic love. Really good views if you're into how life circumstances affect our feelings." Sebastian slowly nodded. "It's by this English writer," She checked the cover again, just to make sure she was getting the name right. "Cassandra Ritter. If you want to give it a try." She smiled politely.
The mention of the name felt like a cold shower, but he hoped he'd put on a decent expression to mask the real feelings that those two words brought to him. It was like someone had sucked the air out of his lungs. His lips just tugged into a smile before he expressed how he would search for the book because it sounded interesting, and the conversation died. But not the name echoing in his mind.
Cassandra. His Cassandra. Or the girl he used to know as that. Sebastian wished he could focus on how she had achieved something he knew meant the world to her, but his brain kept pulling him back to the image of the last time he saw her. It wasn't ideal, but he remembered her for what she was. So beautiful, so regretful and so cruel. He remembered champagne drying on his lips as he read her words, that he needed someone better than her, that she wasn't the one for him and that she hoped one day he could forgive her. He had.
He'd searched for her after that day in Brazil. Despite the letter and the circumstances, he went to Milton Keynes and tried to reach her again, and again, but it was like she had vanished off the face of the earth. Sebastian also tried with her friend, Abigail, but when he showed up at their flat in Milton Keynes all he got was an apologetic expression and more sorries, but nothing more. Nothing about Cassandra. All of the sadness and dejection eventually turned into resentment, and then into something else, maybe acceptance.
Five years after Brazil, Sebastian was still sure Cassandra never fully understood how much she meant to him in so little time and how he was willing to do anything to make it work with her. Despite everything that happened between them. How little he cared about the way she loved, and how he would be patient with her. She never gave him the opportunity to prove that. He still wondered about the what-ifs.
His eyes glanced at the book one more time before he scribbled the name quickly on his own journal. By Cassandra Ritter. He closed his journal and waved a little goodbye to the woman reading before making his way to find Britta.
She was engulfed in a long conversation with other Ferrari staff when Sebastian found her, he cleared his throat and smiled apologetically when everybody looked at him.
"Britta a moment, please." She nodded, turning to the others and excusing herself.
Sebastian guided her to a quiet corner in the motorhome and looked around just to make sure no one else would be eavesdropping. Not that his misgivings with Cassandra weren't a story hard to forget, but he still liked his privacy.
"Are you alright?" Britta slightly furrowed her brows, checking his face for any sign of something.
Sebastian nodded. "It's fine, I just need a favour." Britta looked at him like she wanted him to keep going. "Do you think you can find a book for me?"
"A book?" Her worried expression turned into a confused one in a matter of seconds.
"Yes, a book," Sebastian confirmed and Britta pursed her lips. "Love Or The End Of It by Cass—"
"Cassandra Ritter." Britta finished for him. Sebastian was seemingly taken aback. "Seb, you haven't mentioned her in years. Why now?"
By the looks of it, Britta was aware of the existence of the book and what had been of Cassandra in all those years after everything exploded between them. He didn't blame her for not telling him about her whereabouts, at the end of the day, Britta had been there the day Cassandra decided to break his heart. She had been the one making sure he didn't end up drunk in a ditch somewhere in Brazil after the end of something he thought was special enough to last.
"I don't know. I'm just curious, I guess." He half-shrugged, trying to ignore the way his heart was pounding in his ears.
Britta knew him far too well, though. "There's no mention of you if that's what you're wondering. No direct mention at least." That wasn't a lot of information for him.
"What do you mean? Did you read the book?" His eyes widened a bit, and for a moment he felt like that 25-year-old receiving the news of what was written about him in Cassandra's old article.
It seemed like she was having a similar thought. "You know my job is to make sure of all that, about your image. Your name isn't unknown." Of course. "It was a brief read, but she talks about her romantic relationships, in the book or part of it, and it's heavily focused on the most important one." Her hand gestured at him, and Sebastian suddenly felt his chest getting tighter. Was there enough air in the room? "It's not a word-for-word telling of what happened between you two but it's quite obvious you're the person she describes. At least for those of us who know the story."
She'd written about him, again. "Oh, okay that's good. No mention of my name. Great." He nodded absentmindedly.
Britta tilted her head and analysed him. "The book was published two years ago if you want to know." He nodded again. There weren't enough words to express the itching feeling inside of him. "Sebastian," He raised his eyebrows at the tone she was using. It took a couple of seconds but Britta finally gave a resigned sigh. "I'll get a copy for you. I think it's a good closure if you're still seeking that."
Was he still searching for that? Was he still wishing he could untie himself from the memory of Cassandra? All he knew was that he wanted to understand her, even after all those years, and get a sense of all those things she never told him. Maybe Sebastian wanted to know if he meant for her what she meant for him. It was clear Cassandra was never good with spoken words, so perhaps he could find that answer somewhere else. He wished he could.
"Thank you," He reached and squeezed her hand, his lips tugging into a small smile.
She shifted awkwardly in her place. "I think we might have misjudged her. But you'll see that yourself." It was all she said. Sebastian wouldn't be a liar and say he never cursed Cassandra's name for the way things were handled because he did.
His last memory of Cassandra was a broken heart, and the million possibilities that never were. He doubted that could change.
—
London, 2017
«And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one 'cause most of us are bitter over someone. Setting fire to our insides for fun to distract our hearts from ever missing them. But I'm forever missing him.»
The guy on the other side of the pub looked at her. He couldn't be more than twenty-three if she was being honest. Cassandra glared back, quirking her eyebrow and everything to make sure the guy was aware she wasn't feeling impressed by all the staring. The message seemed to be clear as the guy quickly dodged making eye contact with her again. She scoffed. They were all the same.
She was getting impatient. Abigail wasn't always someone to be late, but Cassandra could wait because she missed her. The chatter at the pub was loud. The sound of glasses filled the place. And the noise coming from the TV was also quite loud. They kept repeating the weekend results for football and rugby, mainly, she couldn't bring herself to care enough as she played with the rim of her own pint glass.
In other news, Mercedes driver Lewis Hamilton won the British Grand Prix this weekend, bringing down the gap with Ferrari driver Sebastian Vettel, who ended the race in seventh place, to only one point. Mercedes remain leading the Constructor's Championship.
The SkySports reporter said, and Cassandra almost choked with her own air. She turned so fast to watch the TV, it surprised her, her neck didn't crack at the movement. There were highlights of the race, some images of Lewis on the podium, and Kimi. She remembered him. Cassandra felt a weird taste forming in her mouth, as she attentively stared at the TV. It felt like something akin to longing, even though she knew there was no right for her to feel that way.
"Oh, I'm fifteen minutes late. I'm sorry, the train was delayed and it was a proper—" Abigail's words faltered to nothing as she took the seat in front of Cassandra, seeing that her friend wasn't paying any attention to her apology. She followed with her eyes what had caught her attention to have her so hooked and then realised. "Cass?"
Cassandra blinked and switched her attention to Abigail. She looked embarrassed. Her friend's eyes softened. Not with pity, it was understanding. "Sorry." She cleared her throat. "Your train got delayed you were saying?"
Abigail tilted her head. "It did...everything alright?"
"Uh," Her mouth felt dry out of a sudden. Her heart felt annoyingly heavy. Not a good kind of heavy though. "The Netherlands beat Norway in women's football. I didn't know they were playing." She mentioned nonchalantly, remembering the last headline she'd seen about football on the TV.
"You don't even like football." Abigail pointed out suspiciously.
She shrugged and charmingly smiled. "But I like women." Her friend huffed and rolled her eyes. "How's your little ugly boyfriend? Sorry, fiancé." Cassandra quickly tried to change the topic to a more familiar one. Abigail's boyfriend. Fiancé. Yeah, at least one of them was doing well in that department.
"He's not even ugly." Abigail defended, her lips tugging into a playful smile.
Cassandra pursed her lips. "Well, he's not cute either." Her friend chuckled. "Seriously, does he still believe I'll get you to cancel the wedding or what? I do appreciate the way he thinks I have that much power."
Abigail slapped her hand in a playful way. Cassandra missed her a lot. Their friendship, or the way they used to be when they lived together. Simpler times she would say. "He actually likes you, Cass." He did, she knew that. Or he had grown fond of her over the past years. Well, it was the package that came along with Abigail anyway. "How about you? Any news for your love life?" It was evident she'd heard the name mentioned in the SkySports transmission.
She just wanted to dig for more information. "Do you want to know who I slept with last weekend?" Abigail scrunched her nose and shook her head. Cassandra grinned. "There's no love life, Abigail."
"I always knew you wouldn't bring a date to my wedding." She complained dramatically.
A cackle came out of her. It got muffled by the noise of the pub. "You got engaged last month, you don't even know when the wedding's taking place."
"Someday!" Abigail smiled, and then her face softened. "I'd like to see you happy...again." The word came along with an underlying meaning. One Cassandra knew far too well by now. She wasn't dumb.
Her gaze flickered to the TV momentarily. No more Formula 1. Back to football. "I'm happy." She was, by the standard of what happiness meant to her.
Did Cassandra sometimes feel hollow inside? Maybe, occasionally. But she had learned to live with it. She chose her priorities the way she had chosen them a million times. It was the life she wanted for herself and the one she was supposed to be living. Some stories were meant to be written one way and one way only, and she was pretty sure that was her case no matter how intrusive some feelings could be from time to time.
She was fine.
Her friend glanced at the TV for a moment, then returned her attention to her. Abigail was just brave enough for everything. Like namedropping. "Sebastian—"
"Abigail." Cassandra stopped her before she could even dare to continue with the idea. "It's been five years. That's it."
She'd written about him, properly this time, and that was it. Cassandra didn't want to remember how fucking lonely she felt after doing what she did, she'd cried a lot after Brazil, and a couple of years after that, until it got better eventually, but she did think about him, involuntarily. He probably was married, with kids, and animals. Whatever. That was what he wanted. She never looked him up again, no matter how many glasses of wine she subjected herself to sometimes. Cassandra detached herself from that for her own good, and his own good as well, if she selfishly thought about it. You always remember your first love, she remembered her mother's words.
"Alright. Fair enough." Abigail raised her hands in the air in a motion of surrender. "I'm pretty sure my ugly fiancé has a couple of friends to set you up." She teased.
Cassandra kicked her under a table and threw a death glare in her direction. "Fuck no. I'd rather you kill me. I'm being serious." She pointed a finger in warning, and Abigail loudly laughed. One of the ugly laughs. She smiled.
Things were supposed to be that way. She was in a better place now, mentally and personally speaking, much better than a few years ago. She never thought so much about her mother, not anymore at least, but sometimes she recalled their conversations, the ones they had at the art gallery and outside her old building five years ago. And perhaps that evil woman was right about some of the things she said. Although, Cassandra still reproached the way she had become exactly the person she swore she wasn't with what she did to Sebastian. How ironic, she spent years hating her mother for breaking her dad's heart but she didn't hesitate when it was her own responsibility.
It was like some endings just wrote themselves. At least part of her wished he was doing fine. He probably was.
—
Abu Dhabi, 2022
«If our love died young, I can't bear witness. And it's been so long, but if you ever think you got it wrong I'm right where you left me.»
She curled and uncurled her fists as soon as she spotted him from afar. Her heart acted like it would jump out of her chest at any time, and she was sweating, she could feel it when her fingers made contact with her palm. Cassandra could have thrown up if not for all the reasons she stopped herself from doing so. Starting from the fact she was a grown adult, who was in a public space and ending with the one that she had willingly made the choice to be where she was right now. Nobody forced her, she was there because she wanted to be there. And she wouldn't back down just because her body felt like it would give up at any time.
Her mind was so caught up in the euphoria of the moment, of seeing Sebastian again after so many years, that she didn't notice the girl who was walking her way. Apparently, neither did the girl, because soon enough, they found themselves colliding with one another. Cassandra reached and held her by the arms, attempting to steady her and avoid bumping faces with her, but then all she saw was the poor girl's face. She was young, probably in her twenties, and her eyes were red, almost as red as her uniform. Cassandra could recognise a Ferrari shirt everywhere she went.
But that was a second thought. The girl who had bumped into her had been crying, very obviously by her shiny eyes and red nose.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going." The girl apologised immediately. There was an Italian accent in her tone.
Cassandra let go of her arms and took a step away. "It's alright. I wasn't looking either. Are you okay?" She frowned.
Poor thing nodded quickly, and touched her face with her fingertips, trying to feel if she was still crying. "I'm—I'm alright." She said and gave Cassandra a weak smile. She didn't look okay but who was Cassandra to meddle there? It seemed like Ferrari made everybody cry. Especially their employees, she thought. "Again, I'm so sorry." She apologised one more time, moving her hands here and there before making it past Cassandra with no more words being exchanged.
Her eyes followed the young girl until she stopped a few feet away from where she had collided with Cassandra. It was hard to stop looking when she seemed to be entering a second round of crying. The curious side of her wondered what happened to her to have her crying like that. Surely, she could understand the end of a season was sad, for some people, but it didn't feel as dramatic. Although she had no right on saying that, considering her obvious history in the matter.
For a moment, Cassandra forgot Sebastian was, just like the crying girl, a few feet away from her, and the mere reminder of that forced her to finally focus on what she was really there for. The collision was a nice distraction while it lasted. When she decided to get her head back in the game and focus on Sebastian, the air and everything got trapped in her throat the moment she noticed he was already looking back at her. The conversation he was having before with the people surrounding him was long forgotten.
It was hard to tell, but if she expected some sort of smile from him, she was wrong. Sebastian looked like he was seeing a ghost, and Cassandra couldn't blame him for that. Really, she didn't. It took him a few seconds to recover and excuse himself from the conversation before curiosity won over everything else.
Cassandra forgot how to properly breathe when he made his way toward her. She had gotten herself into that situation, she couldn't just flee now just because her stomach felt like it was housing a billion butterflies
"I don't know if you're really here or I'm seeing a vision." He said when the distance was close enough for her to hear.
Her lips automatically curved into a smile. That was the only reaction she knew around him. "Hey." She waved awkwardly, and he scanned her face. He was so different. "Sadly it's not a vision. I'm very real." Then something akin to an uncomfortable chuckle came out of her. "Hi, Sebastian."
He blinked. "Cassandra," Sebastian sighed. His eyes were staring at her so deeply she could just feel it. She looked different, of course, and so did he. Her hair was longer, and she didn't have her nose ring anymore. She looked healthier. But it was Cassandra. In front of him. "I'm a little bit speechless." He placed a hand on his chest. Right above his heart.
"I finally got you to stop talking then," Cassandra tried to joke, but everything inside of her just felt so stiff. "I just," She cleared her throat. "I found out you were retiring this year and didn't want to miss watching you race one last time. And I—I don't know. I don't know why I'm here. I wanted to."
It had been harder to decide whether she had the guts to be there than actually getting the means to be there. She always knew money could buy anything, fairly she was used to it, but it was easier to do things when you were remotely well-known or associated with someone who was. Getting a pass for a Formula 1 race wasn't an exception to that. Cassandra should've known.
His hands itched for a moment. Probably an act of reflection to get a hug from her, but he stopped himself. "It's been ten years."
As if she needed any reminder of that. "I know." Cassandra swallowed hard, then her tongue fell loose. "I was really nervous. I didn't even know if this was the right thing to do but I'm impulsive, and it seemed like a good idea at some point. After a lot of thought and a few glasses of wine. Then I got so anxious, I didn't think searching for you was ideal, but I did anyway, and I was so out of it I bumped into this poor crying girl, but then you were there and...yeah." She rushed her words as if they didn't have enough time left. Or as a way to justify why she was even there for it to make sense.
Sebastian bit the inside of his cheek, because the need to grin was pushing hard. "Breathe, Cassandra."
She did as told. Inhaling and exhaling. No one could write their story in a different way even if they tried. They looked at each other as Cassandra tried to recover a normal breathing rhythm, and Sebastian smiled with kindness.
"You said a lot," He mentioned. Cassandra huffed. "Crying girl? What do you mean by that?"
Cassandra turned back to where she last saw the girl standing. She was still there, talking on her phone. The distress could be felt even from where they were. Sebastian took a peek at where Cassandra was looking and raised his eyebrows, recognising the crying girl she was talking about.
"That's Aurora." He pointed out, and Cassandra turned her attention back to him. Now it made sense for him as to why Charles had looked so deflated after the race when he came to him. "She works with Charles, my ex-teammate?" Cassandra nodded. She'd prepared herself for the basics, at least. "I once said I saw a lot of myself in Charles, but I didn't expect him to get his heart broken at the last race of a season as well." He smiled at her. His words had no bitter intentions behind them. That much she knew.
She placed a strand of loose hair behind her ears and awkwardly chuckled. "I never apologised for that, did I?"
Sebastian shrugged. "Your letter was beautiful, to be honest." She grimaced. "It was better than a text message, for sure." And he was still smiling.
Cassandra sighed. "I'm really sorry about the way things ended between us. About the letter, I don't know why I thought that was a good choice. I should've told you how I felt in person. I should've done things right." Cassandra wanted the earth to swallow her whole. "Maybe this was a mistake. I really shouldn't be here." Her gaze flickered to look around as if searching for a way out.
It was impossible for him to contain himself from feeling amused. "Come here, let's talk." His hand reached to hold her by the elbow, trying to guide her to a more private space.
There were no complaints from her as Sebastian managed to get them somewhere more private. The remains of the end of the season were still in the air as they stood next to each other. The place was considered private if they didn't count the few employees who walked by from time to time. She could smell burnt rubber and gunpowder. It was a bit nostalgic if she thought about it too much.
Cassandra looked around, taking in the view. Sebastian did the same. The silence lingered for a minute or two. Probably neither of them knew how to deal with the situation. It had been ten years.
It was finally Sebastian the one who decided to break the silence. "How has your life been? Do you still live in England?" He looked at her, and Cassandra, feeling the attention, looked back.
It was the most standard question to be asked at the moment, but she was grateful he was trying.
Cassandra nodded. "I live in London. I moved out of Milton Keynes after..." The words hung in the air. After I abandoned you in Brazil. Fuck. She continued anyway. If he hadn't told her her way back to where she came from, that meant maybe he'd finally forgiven her for that. "I just moved there alone, probably earlier than I had planned. Abigail was the only person tying me to MK, and she made her own life anyway so it was bound to happen. She's married now." He hummed and nodded. Not really surprised about the news.
"And what about Gareth?" Sebastian asked.
Her smile grew bigger. He noticed it. "Gareth is a dad, which is weird. His daughter is four and she calls me aunt Cassie. I'm very fond of her."
Sebastian grinned because he could tell how genuinely happy she was about her friends. "Nice. Kids are great." Cassandra slowly nodded. They were great as long as they weren't hers, at least. He was still drowning in doubt though. "So Abigail is married, and Gareth has a daughter...what about you?"
Her face dropped, and for a moment he regretted asking. "My husband passed away, Sebastian." The apologies were a second away from leaving his lips when Cassandra grinned again. He rolled his eyes and she chuckled. "You should've seen your face. You went even paler!" Sebastian pushed her with his shoulder. Cassandra bit her lip to stop herself from cackling. "I'm not married, nor divorced, or a widow. And I don't have children either. But I think I've done pretty well, professionally speaking at least."
The way her eyes shone when she said that. He knew that was the future she deserved. "You've published a few books, right. That was your dream, so I agree." His lips curved into a smile, and so did Cassandra's.
They fell into silence again, adverting their gazes from one another. It wasn't uncomfortable or weird. It felt more like taking the moment in. Cassandra knew he'd done well without her. That he had gotten everything he always wanted and someone who could return those wants and needs. How things turned out after that was a side story. She wouldn't meddle in how he loved after her.
But part of her still felt like there was something never said, and perhaps that was the entire reason she had decided to be brave enough and show up there. Because it was the last opportunity. Closure, or whatever people called it.
"I heard you're a father." She mentioned casually, eyeing him from the corner of her eyes.
She'd heard more than just that of course. Something about a girlfriend, obviously because it took two to tango, and more recently a separation. But it wasn't up to her to intrude on that. Sebastian wasn't like that for her anymore. He never truly was. Not after what she did to him when they were younger.
"I am, yeah." Sebastian smiled. "I think I'm a pretty good one too."
She looked at him. "I told you you'd be a good one."
"You did."
Sometimes when they were together, he had pictured that life with her. He had wondered if their children would get Cassandra's accent or his. Her eye colour or his. Would they be blonde or brunette? It was funny back then, to think about them being together like that. When everything between them ended, those thoughts and ideas, just became a faraway dream for him. Something that was never meant to happen perhaps.
"I think you were the love of my life, but I wasn't yours." Cassandra let the words slip out of her lips with no warning. Her lips curved into a smile whatsoever as if she felt some sort of relief for letting him know that.
Sebastian chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. All those years, ten years now, and Cassandra was still clueless. It was like she never allowed herself to believe or accept what Sebastian felt for her, that she thought about it as a lie rather than a reality she deserved.
It was a bit cruel.
"You never got it, did you?" He looked at her. Cassandra seemed confused. "You never truly understood how important you were to me. How I was willing to do anything to be with you. I wouldn't have cared if you didn't want to have kids, or if we never got married. I would've been happy just being with you. I would've waited for you."
Cassandra placed a hand on top of his. Her smile was sweet, the kind of smile he used to get from her when he thought she was just as in love with him as he was with her. It was like being with the exact same twenty-five-year-old girl he met ten years ago.
"But that wasn't fair, was it?" She squeezed his hand. "You deserved to have all that, and I wasn't the right person for you. Why would you give up all of it because of me?"
"Because I was in love with you," Sebastian said seriously. "I loved you, I think."
There was a painful pressure in her chest. She took her hand away from his, and he felt the warmth of her touch leaving him. Things were never supposed to be like that with them. But then again, she always thought they were never supposed to meet in the first place. Much less develop feelings for one another. At least not at that time. Right person, wrong time. What people said.
"We were twenty-five." Cassandra chuckled, although it felt sour. "And incredibly stupid. Or I was. Pretty young and not alright in the head." She confessed. If she thought about herself ten years ago she would just keep admitting how much of a mess she had been back then. God, she was a cunt, she thought wearily.
"I never doubted my feelings for you. No matter if we were both young and very stupid." He could agree with her on that though. Their story was complicated, and they were rather immature. Cassandra wasn't okay and he lived in a bubble. He could admit it now that they were older.
She stared at the view in front of her and fiddled with her hands. "I wrote about you."
Sebastian glanced at her profile for a couple of seconds before following her on what she was seeing. The night was beautiful.
"I know. I read it." The good writing. The one that really belonged to her. "That's why I don't doubt you had feelings for me either. I wish you would've been more open with me."
"I wish that too." They both turned to look at one another at the same time. "Congratulations on an amazing career, Sebastian." Maybe Cassandra felt like everything was too familiar around him. "I think it's better if I go."
"Wait, wait." He grabbed her arm when she tried to turn around. "You don't get to do that again, Cassandra." She rolled her eyes but smiled nevertheless. "I'll be in London, and I would love to meet there so we can talk. Properly."
"Being a dad has done numbers on you, Sebastian." She said jokingly, and he snorted. "We can meet in London if you want." Cassandra accepted. A chat wouldn't kill them, maybe.
"Thank you." He let go of her arm and fished inside his pocket for his phone. "Might I get your phone number?"
Her eyes glanced at the device being offered to her, then back at Sebastian. It was funny if she thought the way life worked things around.
"Dejavú." Cassandra smiled as she grabbed the phone from his hand.
She typed her phone number, saved it under the name Cassandra and handed the phone back to him. Sebastian stared at the digits with attention. Like someone who'd never seen that before. She felt some kind of way.
"Tell Lewis I said hi." She said to bring his attention back to her. "Oh, and Jenson of course. I know he's around today."
Sebastian groaned. "Cassandra." He was using the tone, but his smile betrayed him.
"Mark then?" She raised an eyebrow, and Sebastian had to try really hard not to grin like a complete idiot. Cassandra was still charming in her own way. "I actually saw him earlier, he looked like he was staring at a nightmare come to life."
Sebastian chuckled. "At least it wasn't Christian." Cassandra scrunched her nose. That man did not like her at all. Her name and face were pretty much attached to PR disasters, and she had caused his world champion a really hard time back then.
It was surprising he just didn't straight up ban her back then. He probably should've done that. Would have been better for Sebastian, she thought. Cassandra dissipated those thoughts from her mind. Was it really worth remembering all those misgivings if Sebastian himself seemed to be over with them? She would always wonder how he was so forgiving about her.
They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, until Sebastian cleared his throat and broke eye contact. Cassandra grinned. Back in the day, he was always the one taking the upper hand in those kinds of situations, and now he was blushing and unable to hold her gaze.
"I always liked your short hair better." Sebastian quirked an eyebrow. She shrugged. "I'm just saying."
He scoffed. "You always did, I know. I'll keep it in mind." Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head. "I'm pretty sure you would've hated the moustache though." He assured. And for a moment the easygoing chat felt good. Like they could be friends.
"Surprisingly I think I would've been a fan of it." She admitted.
His smile widened and he locked eyes with her. "Honestly, I really can't believe you're here."
There were things she wanted to tell him, but Cassandra wasn't sure if it would be the right thing to do. They were not the same people they were ten years ago. He was not the same Sebastian she fell for.
"I really can't believe I'm here either." She could've done the same years before, but it scared her to death. "What are you going to do now?" She asked with curiosity, and he didn't seem to mind.
"I've got some new hobbies now." He pursed his lips and shrugged.
"Right, environmental stuff," Cassandra said sounding like someone who just guessed the right answer during trivia night. "I love that. I mean not the bad carbon emissions and all that," She grimaced. "You know what I mean. I don't use plastic straws if that's worth something."
"I'm sure the turtles are grateful for that." She softly pushed him with her hand at his teasing tone.
Something came to her mind. "You should write a book now." She suggested. "Drivers do that, don't they?"
"I'm not a professional writer," Sebastian raised his eyebrows.
"Well, I am a—" Cassandra cut herself off. "I know some writers, Seb. Anyone would be delighted to work with you, I'm sure."
His expression softened for a minute, and she slightly furrowed her brows at the change. He was looking at her differently and she wondered if something said had been the wrong thing to say.
"Now you're calling me Seb." He finally said.
Cassandra huffed. "Sebastian." The accent and the tone. There was no way Cassandra still had that sort of effect on him, and yet, there he was.
"Cassandra." She shook her head and he grinned. Something like an impulse took over him. "What are you doing later?" He asked with no hesitation.
She seemed taken aback by the question. "I was thinking of going back to the hotel. My flight back to England leaves tomorrow." Her words were slow, a bit mixed with suspicion.
"There's a party for me, later. If you'd like to join, you'd be welcome." Sebastian smiled as he explained more in detail. "There'll be champagne." His eyebrows were raised in a funny sort of way.
Her face changed with those words, and she blushed scarlet red. Even in the dim lights of the circuit, or the ones that were left shining, he could notice the shade taking over her face. It would always be a joy for Sebastian to cause that on Cassandra of all people.
Maybe they hadn't changed that much.
"Still not a huge fan of champagne." She scrunched her nose.
"That's not what I remember." He said and even dared to sound smug. Cassandra softly slapped his arm.
"Don't get smug." She warned. "You should enjoy your party in peace. We can meet in London, I promise this time I won't disappear on you." And she was being truly honest about that.
Before he got the chance to make a joke about how her past self would've been surprised to hear those words coming from her, they heard someone calling Sebastian's name from where they had been standing before they moved to a more secluded space. Cassandra looked at him as he turned to the origin of the voice, then back at her. It didn't even seem like he wanted to leave anyway.
"Go, it's still your day." She smiled, gesturing with her hands at the path where he was being called from.
Sebastian slowly nodded. "I—" She looked expectant, and he took some seconds to appreciate the sight in front of him. It was Cassandra after all. "It was really nice to see you. And I mean it, despite everything."
Perhaps if she had done the same a few years ago, he would've been wounded. But they were older now, more mature. Reasons would always exist, and she had hers. He resented her before for the way things happened between them, for not giving them an opportunity to see where things could go, but now it seemed pointless to do so. It wasn't worth it for him to be aggrieved by something that even if it didn't end how he thought would end, had its good moments. Cassandra did mean a lot to him, she would always in her own kind of way.
Cassandra hesitated for a bit, but eventually, she took a step ahead and kissed his cheek. Sebastian closed his eyes.
"I'm—I'm happy you did well." She said once she took a step back.
That felt like a punch in the heart. "I'm happy you did well too. I always thought you deserved better than what you believed."
She took a deep breath and nodded. He always did that. Cassandra cleared her throat and looked somewhere else. "Alright. Go. Enjoy your last moments here." Her lips tugged into a smile.
"Sure, yeah. You're right." Sebastian shifted awkwardly in his position.
"Text me, you have my number." She said and started walking backwards, slowly marking the distance between her and Sebastian. He grinned as he watched her.
Her figure became smaller and smaller. She even waved before completely disappearing from his sight. Maybe people were right and the third time really was the charm. They would find out, eventually.
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a/n:
go to the next chapter if you want to read a little extra i wrote yesterday while having insomnia
or stay here to read my rambling hahaha this was supposed to have a very champagne problems ending but i didn't want to be mean...also this was totally self indulgent, but i hope some of you enjoyed this story as much as i enjoyed writing it. and you know i had to connect this to my other f1 story somehow hahaha
i'll miss my besties cassandra and seb