Oh god.
I closed the door, my mind already racing with thoughts. I was alone, with Asmodeus.
Ofcourse my grandpa was still here, but he was working in his room and told us not to disturb him unless something had happened.
So now im pretty much alone with Asmodeus.
My heart was pounding loudly against my chest, but for reasons unknown would not stop beating.
Why is this stressing me out so much?
I turned around, looking at Asmodeus.
"So what do we do now?" He asked me, snapping me out of my blind panick.
"Ehh.. if you want we can maybe do something in my room?" I asked, questioningly.
"Sure!" He said. "Anything with you is my favorite activity!"
We walked to my room together. The beds really were made. However, there weren't two beds, but three.
If Opera didn't plan for this to happen, than what horrible thing must have happened?
No you are just overthinking it, Iruma.
I sat down on one of the beds, pondering about what could have happened. Asmodeus sat next to me.
He was staring at me. I knew. I could feel his eyes in the back of my head. I hadn't noticed that the beating in my chest had calmed down, but when I did, the nervousness had already come back, and even stronger than before.
What do I do? I feel like im in space, somewhere without any air..
The silence than got broken, the person sitting behind me noticing my weird behavior.
"Master Iruma, are you alright?" He asked, looking with consern.
I stood up to reply. "Y-yeah! Im good!"
I must have looked like an idiot, stuttering and standing up. Im not in class. Im not in the military either, or being bossed around by some higher ups.
"Mhm, alright, if you say so master.." He replied, looking unsure.
"I really am fine though! Don't worry about me!" I replied, knowing all too well that I was panicking.
"Ehh, so what do you want to do now?" I asked, trying to focus on the question instead of my heartbeat.
"What would you like to do?" Asmodeus asked. "If you want we can play games, or maybe we can just talk."
Play games? Talk? Well, I don't have anything to play in my room, but talking with him would make me go insane.
"Im not sure.. Which one would you like to do more?" I asked him.
"Ah, well. If I were to choose it would be to have a nice chat with each other." Asmodeus said, smiling. "Its been so long since we could talk to each other without stupid Clara ruining my chats.
"Alright! Lets do that than, so what do you wanna talk about?" I replied, trying to push my nervousness down.
He took a while to reply, he awkwardly looked down at his lap, playing with his fingers. "W-well.. we could talk about.. love? Isn't that what people normally talk about in sleepovers..?"
He quickly looked up at me, looking flustered. "W-we don't have to ofcourse!"
I don't think I've ever felt this flustered and akward at the same time in my life before. I didn't like him, ofcourse! I just feel very uncomfortable talking about love!
I wouldn't mind being with him though. The thought of us together isn't half as bad.
Wait the thought of us together? Stop it you stupid brain. I ment as friends and-
Why is this so frustrating!!
Shit do I actually like him?
"I-I sure?!" I practically screamed. "I-I mean.. if you want to we can talk about that.."
"A-alright! S-so.. I've had this question on my mind.." He said, stuttering. "Do you like anybody?" He then questioned with a blush on his face, ears red as strawberries.
I didn't know how to reply. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not. He made me feel like no one else, yet did that mean anything? Did that mean that I truly loved him?
I can keep lying to myself, but I'm not sure.
"I might. I just don't know for sure." I said, afraid I knew the question he would ask next.
"Well, what kind of person are they?" He asked, suddenly very interested.
Phew..
"Well, they are very kind and compassionate. They are sweet, strong and always make me laugh. I love being around them, and I wouldn't want to be without them.
They are very caring, and know how to take care of themselves, most of the time atleast. They are clingy sometimes, but thats just them.
Their voice is nice and I.." I took a deep breath. I was nervous, my heart was beating loudly in my chest, blood rushing to my head.
Asmodeus was quiet. I looked up, trying to see his expression. I nervously skimmed his face. He looked conflicted, he smiled. "Hey, Iruma?" He said with a sad smile. "You like Clara, don't you?"
What? No. I love Clara, but not like anything romantical.
"No, its not Clara." I said, even more nervous than before. My heart wouldn't stop pounding, and my throat felt dry. I swallowed.
Please don't find out.
"S-so do you like anyone?" I asked, trying to change the topic. I pulled my legs up to my chest, trying to hide my expression.
He looked down, still conflicted. "Yeah.. I do."
"You don't have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable." I said, aware that he may feel pressured into saying it.
He likes someone? I never thought he was the type to like anyone. Maybe if he spends enough time with them..?
Anyways, I'm happy he likes someone. He deserves to be loved.
So stop feeling sad. Theres no reason for me to be sad.
"How about I tell you about it later tonight?" He asked.
"Y-yeah! You can If you would like." I answered, getting sadder by the second.
I know who it is. Its Clara he likes, isn't it? Its probably the reason he was so conflicted.
I am happy for him, I truly am, I just can't help feeling sad. I feel disappointed, like I thought he was going to say my name.
It had always been hard to smile once you didn't get something that you had been expecting.
But I really didn't expect anything?
Did I expect him to..
No. No I didn't.
Because I don't like him.
"S-so what do you wana do now?" I asked, my chest slightly stinging.
"If you'd like we could play truth or dare?" He asked. "We are only with two people, but we still could if you'd like?"
"Alright!" I said, sitting in the middle of the bed. "Asmodeus, truth or dare."
"Dare." He said with a stern face.
"I dare you to run around as a chicken."
I smirked, knowing full well that that was something he would be embarrassed about.
I enjoyed seeing him like that, embarrassed. It was always fun, especially when I team up with Clara. She makes him so much angrier.
He stood up from the bed, and put his hands on his hips. He then ran around the room saying; "Hawk Hawk." and flapping his arms around.
After he was finished, I was laughing. This was great.
If I could just forget about him liking someone else too.
Asmodeus turned bright red and sat next to me, he looked embarrassed but became a lot happier once he saw me laughing. After a while I was done laughing and he continued to speak. "I did it, so now you have to go. Truth or dare."
"Truth." I answered, taking the actual 'chicken' route.
"What is your favorite color?" He asked.
"Hey! I told you already." I said, poking him in the chest.
"Its red." I said.
"Do you have a particular reason for that color?" He asked. "I know I have a meaning behind mine, and a lot of people generally do. You don't have to answer, but I'm just so curious!"
"Yeah I do." I said, trying to be mysterious.
"Well, tell me why." He then proceeded to look at me with great interest.
How would I tell him this?
I like the color red because his eyes are red. They are pretty and look just like rubies.
Should I just tell him? No, I can't! I know he doesn't like me. I just want him to know that I love him. Wait why would I want him to..?
Stupid brain. You are not gay, you are not into him. Hes just a friend. No, he isn't just a friend, he is your best friend. He just makes you feel like no one else does. That isn't necessary love. You are just confused.
You don't like him and thats the end of it. Theres nothing wrong with liking a color because of one of your friends.
Does that mean I should tell him than? I mean, I don't like him, so it should be fine, right?
No, but if he likes someone else!
If he likes someone else.. thats fine too. It would make me happy seeing him with someone. Its probably Clara? I mean, he is always with her, and even got upset when he thought I mentioned her. Plus, its not like he actually hates Clara. He just pretends he does, I think.
I then felt a hand on my shoulder, I flinched away. I looked to where the hand came from. Asmodeus.
"Master Iruma, are you alright?" He asked, a worried expression on his face. "You spaced out."
I guess I had been lost in thought and had forgotten that I was in the same room as him.
"A-ah yeah! Sorry. I just.."
Come on, just tell him.
He waited patiently, giving me the room to talk. Once I had enough confidence, I slowly began to speak.
"I.. like the color red because of your eyes. They are always sparkling and I think they look beautiful in the light. They are like rubies. I know this sounds weird, haha. It just went to being my favorite color after a while."
I sat there. I didn't know why, but a flash of sadness had hit me. It slowly seeped into my body, making it to my smile, which faded.
I looked away. I was just making a fool out of myself. He didn't like me, I don't think he ever would.
So why does it hurt so much?
I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, I knew that already.
I should never get my hopes up, never again. Thats what I told myself time from time again.
For all the times that people have failed me, all the times I've been deserted by friends, by family, by the ones who I loved.
I just try to push the feeling away, but the pain is always there. No matter how many times I smile, and tell them its fine.
It is.
It's fine.
I get it.
But it hurts.
I felt myself tearing up again. My heart ached, realizing that I messed up. Realizing I..
I love him, don't I?
The sudden thought only made my heart hurt more. My chest felt like it had been stapled with countless needles, who were reaching deep into my heart, into the chambers filled with blood. Just sitting there, piercing me, filling me with pain.
In this moment, I felt I would rather die than lie my way out. I had made a fool out of myself. I was a fool for thinking I could be happy with someone like him.
I slowly felt tears dripping down. I let them. My head was facing away from Asmodeus, so he couldn't see me. If I wanted to tell an excuse, now was the time.
If I didn't, I would lose Asmodeus as a friend, forever.
Thats what happens when you confess to a friend, one that doesn't like you back. They will just laugh at you, tell you its fine, and leave you for forever.
I had seen it happen so many times before. I hear about it all the time too, girls telling their friends about guys that they rejected. Like thats their pride.
You have one chance. And if you mess it up, theres no way of fixing it.
Lets just lie.
No one cares about my feelings anyways.
They all just pretend like they do. But no one ever does.
No one truly cares about me.
I don't want them to care anymore.
I slowly curled up my body, my hands reaching to my face.
I just wanted to hide away, be invincible.
The crying eventually went to sobbing. I just couldn't control my body, everything just hurts so much.
I slowly felt an arm around me, it pulled me further onto the bed, into someones chest.
I knew whose arms those were, he was the only one in the room with me. His arms stung like the cold, wrapping around me.
I knew he ment it well, but it only hurt more.
He slowly pulled my arms away, down to my sides.
He was right behind me, sitting there.
I couldn't see him, and hoped that he couldn't see me.
He slowly put his arm around me again, pulling me even closer this time. My head was on his chest. I could feel his warmth all over my body. It stung.
It hurts.
"It's alright. I'm sorry, Iruma. I didn't know that you would get upset."
His embrace then slowly tightened, while my sobs only grew louder. He then slowly put his head on top of mine, his arms around both sides of me. He then began slowly cradling my body from side to side, moving it just a little.
It hurt so much. It just hurt so much. Being held by him, knowing he didn't love me like I loved him.
"It alright, you can let it out." Asmodeus spoke softly, holding me tight.
The last time he will ever hold me tight, before he realizes I like him and gets disgusted.
Just like my parents, every time they looked at me. Wishing that I was dead, that I had never been born.
I slowly let myself sink into the hug. If I hadn't gotten my heart broken, it would have been warm and comfortable. Not painful at all.
After a while, I began to feel numb. I slowly stopped sobbing. It felt like hours had passed, cradled away into his arms.
He didn't talk, neither did I. Not until I had calmed down atleast.
He slowly let go of me, laying me down on the bed. He then laid next to me, pulling me closer again.
My body was laying against his. I could feel his heat against mine, yet I missed his warmth against the rest of my body.
Its not like it was my heat to begin with. It was his, and from the person who he liked.
Maybe, just maybe..
Theres still a chance right? Its incredibly small but it's still a chance?
Stop lying.
Why am I telling myself this, I know it isn't going to happen.
Asmodeus then took a deep breath, snapping me out of my thoughts. I waited. He then started talking.
"Master Iruma?" He asked, his voice careful and soft.
"Do you like me?"
...
Why?
Out of all the questions in the world, why did you have to ask me that one?
Why did you need to make it hurt all over again?
Why? Does this mean our friendship is over?
It is, isn't it?
No. No no no. This can't be happening. Please don't tell me he figured it out.
I opened my mouth, I had to tell him that it wasn't true, and that he was mistaken, but the words wouldn't leave my mouth.
My whole body ached. Everything had been for nothing. All the good times we had, the times we laughed, the times we smiled, the times we had fun together.
The times we went shopping, ran around campus and slept in the dorms, the times we would eat so much none of us could stand up anymore.
The times where I could finally forget about everything. About when my mom told me I shouldn't have been born, the times my dad would beat me till my blood ran out, the times I almost died in a ditch, when I accidentally smashed a mirror, when I got scared, got told I was a disgrace, when I lost the will to live and almost ended my life with a piece of glass.
Everything, everything was for nothing.
I closed my eyes, hoping the pain would stop. Hoping the aches would quit. Just hoping it wasn't all for nothing.
I didn't hyperventilate, I didn't start lying like crazy, I just laid there, sobbing, hoping someone would make me forget the pain.
Anything but the silence.
Asmodeus slowly got up, looking into my eyes.
Was he here to laugh at me? Leave perhaps? Look at me with disgust? Maybe pretend he didn't figure it out?
He slowly towered over me, grabbing my arms, moving them and pinning them above my head. He then gently moved my body, putting his legs between mine.
He then slowly came closer to me. Asking again, his tone and face serious.
"Do you like me?"
I wished I didn't.
His face came even closer to me, and his hands were now on my shoulders while my arms were still above my head. His expression looked dire, conflicted. He looked like he was in pain.
"I need to know."
Lets keep pretending.
He slowly moved his arms under my head, towering over my body. His nose brushing against mine.
He looked straight into my eyes.
"I promised you that I would tell you the name of the person who I like, right?"
Its Clara.
"I love you, Iruma."
He then slowly tilted his head to the side, pressing his lips down on mine. I slowly felt his lips brush against my lips, when he touched me it felt smooth and warm, making me feel like I was floating around in space, walking across the clouds and staring at the sun.
His breath was warm too, it softly blew against my face, it made me feel ticklish inside. He was moving his fingers around my head, they were nervously twitching.
He then slowly pulled away from me, looking at me with a serious tone. His gaze pierced trough me.
He looked dire and flustered. He was waiting.
I took a deep breath, after mine had been stolen.
It felt so intense, him looking into my eyes, his lips sliding over mine, the feelings of axiety growing stronger each second, the feeling that you can't breathe, yet you don't want to.
I bearly even realized what just happened. I was in complete shock.
He..
He likes me?
Wait, he likes me?
He likes me!
He likes me!!!
He isn't kidding right?
No, he isn't, he likes me!
My mind finally realized what he ment. I couldn't help but feel a weird sense of relief.
I felt so happy.
I looked into his eyes, he looked into mine. He was waiting for an answer. He was waiting for me to return his feelings.
I swallowed, the pit of pointless nervousness and anxiety growing in my stomach made me feel dizzy.
I slowly opened my mouth, I was so happy.
I felt tears escape from my eyes, slowly dripping down my cheeks, they didn't bother me, not right now.
I opened my mouth some more, realizing that I was smiling.
Just like I was his sun, he was mine.
I-
"I love you too, Asmodeus."
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We reached 200 votes!!! And since we did, I decided it was a good idea to tease all of you~
Plus we have over 3300 words.
Im sorry if you feel like shit because of this chapter, I made it much too dark than I should have.
If you need help, need to vent or just want to have a nice chat, come to my dm's.
I won't force anyone to come, so if you want to talk to me or you have a question you will need to come to me trough your own accord.
(Also, my notifications are messed up, so I can't see when someone talked to me in my dm's, so it might take a little while before I see it. So if you think im ignoring you, im not. Just say something in my book, I can see those notifications atleast.)
This isn't an end of the book though! Its the beginning of their story!
I hope you all have a wonderful day! Seriously! I can't thank you guys enough!
I'll see you guys next week!!!!!
--22 February.