I'm sitting up in my bed, with my arms wrapped around my legs tucked into my chest. I lay my head on my knees, waiting for my heart rate to slow down.
I fell asleep easily tonight, but not for long because soon after, I had a dream of Rascal chasing after me in the woods. I ended up tripping over Johan's body and Rascal reached me.
I woke up after that, as I have no interest in witnessing my death.
It's still dark outside, and I don't hear any noise. Everyone seems to be asleep.
I climb out of my bed, feeling restless, and begin pacing. Back and forth, back and forth.
I can't believe Rascal and Johan have entered my dreams. I always thought that after I kill the black knight, he won't have the ability to appear in my dreams to try and kill me anymore, because he will be dead. But it seems I am mistaken.
Even dead people can torture me in my dreams.
I run a hand through my hair.
That means my logic has been flawed this entire time! There's no way to defeat the black knight. He will always win- alive or dead. My one solution to my problem is useless! All of this is useless! He will never stop tormenting me.
What if I can never sleep normally again? I've always pictured an end to this problem, but all I feel is horror at the fact that there may never be an end.
But I know he is out there, and he poses a risk not only in my dreams, but in real life. And unlike my dreams, I can't simply wake up after he murders me once he finds me.
I duck under my bed and grab the practice sword I've hidden there, the one I used to train in the middle of the night and during the day with Geralt.
I've made my decision, I realize as I grab the hilt and relinquish in the feeling of having a weapon by my side, to defend myself.
Even if Geralt thinks I am good enough and that I don't need to change myself or become something I'm not, I need to do this for me. For my ability to sleep peacefully at night. For me to live my life without constant fear and anxiety.
I'm sorry, Geralt.
I know he only wants the best for me.
I sneak out of my room, climb up the stairs silently, and make my way outside.
The biting cold of winter is refreshing against my hot skin, and the falling snow is just an added benefit. I soon find myself in front of the straw body, and under the cover of night, I begin.
I start with the basics from what Geralt has taught me at the very beginning. And then I go from there, going to slightly more advanced movement, until my body accommodates to the motions and flows fluently with every strike.
I haven't forgotten a thing. My body has remembered the movements, even if I haven't trained for quite some time. It gives me hope.
Over the next hour, my wrist aches from the way I shift my sword in my hand, so I attempt less painful maneuvers.
My sword drops to the ground when I'm unable to catch it. I release a sigh and watch as my breath forms a cloud. Stooping down, I reach out to grab it.
"What do you think you're doing?"
I jerk towards the sound and find Geralt standing behind me, with his arms folded in front of him.
I freeze and look at him with wide eyes.
"Geralt?" I whisper, voice full of horror as I recognize some snow build-up on his shoulders. I scramble to my feet. "How long have you been standing there?"
Frankly, it's snowing fast, but still!
"Enough time to realize you've been going against the one thing I told you not to do."
I wince, scratching the nape of my neck. I explain, "It's not that I want to go against what you tell me to do..."
His eyes on me are unwavering. "Then what is it?"
I glance at the straw body and to my discarded sword. I take a deep breathe. If I don't give him an explanation, I will certainly lose this. I will have to speak about it for the sake of my future. Perhaps I can reason with him.
"I can't sleep knowing I won't be able to defend myself." I stare at the ground and brush the snow around with my shoe, waiting for his response.
There's a pause, before he says, "Has this been going on for the entire week?"
My eyes jump up, and I shake my head furiously. "No! I didn't train at all for the past week. I stayed away from it, just like you said. I swear!"
He clarifies, "I'm not talking about the training."
"Oh." My shoulders slump, and I realize he's asking about my sleep. I nod mutely.
He lets out a deep sigh. I expect him to say something along the lines of, 'you can come to me if you need anything', but he doesn't bother this time. I think he knows that it falls on deaf ears. Instead, he walks up to me, takes off his cloak, and drapes it over my shoulders. Only now do I become aware that in my hurry I forgot to take my own cloak with me.
His hand brushes over my arm in the process, and he jerks back. "You're freezing, Ciri."
"I didn't notice," I mumble.
He sighs- again. By now I feel as if I've become his biggest headache.
"Okay," he says.
My brows curl up and I look up at him. "Okay?"
He gives a short nod and begins walking towards the keep, a hand on my back to make sure I'm coming with him. "We will resume training."
I halt in my tracks and turn to him. My eyebrows jump up as my mouth falls open. "Really?"
"Yes, but-"
I can't help it- I'm so overjoyed, I hug him and start laughing before letting him go and bouncing up and down in happiness.
He grabs my shoulders to stop me from jumping and adds, "But- there will be conditions."
"Conditions?" I tilt my head and get ahold of my outburst.
"Yes, you will only train with me and only at times I permit, so no more trainings with Lambert or Coen or anyone else, nor trainings in the middle of the night. The night is for sleeping."
I hardly care about the Lambert and Coen part, but I will miss training at nightime.
I nod and smile. "Okay! That sounds good!"
At my grin, Geralt lets out a small chuckle. "You're an odd one, Ciri."
"Hey!" I grumble, though I know he means it in jest.
"Come on, off to bed with you." We continue on our way back, passing by the dining hall to the stairs, and through the hallway.
He opens the door to my bedroom, and an ugly feeling creeps inside my gut. How long will it take until another nightmare will visit me? If I even manage to fall asleep, that is.
He's waiting for me to walk in, but I'm frozen. The bed is looking more like a coffin now.
I realize- I don't want to be alone tonight, but I'm to embarrassed to say anything. I force myself to take a step inside the room.
"Do you need anything else?" Geralt watches me from the side, confused about my hesitance.
I falter. I shouldn't disturb him. He needs his sleep.
"Ciri?" Geralt asks, as I have yet to give him an answer.
"It's nothing." I shake my head and take another step into my room. Before I can take my third step, he has his hand around my arm.
He raises an eyebrow. "What is it?" My gaze moves to my bed, and he follows it. "Is something wrong with your bed?"
I shake my head again. Take a deep breathe, and spit it out. "I just- I don't want to be alone tonight."
For once, I'm not mad at myself for being weak. Even for my standards, today has been a lot. From the untimely arrival of my cycle to the Rascal and Johan ordeal to the nightmare and the inability to sleep, I'm tired.
"Okay, go grab your blanket and cloak."
My eyes snap over to him. He motions with his head towards my blue blanket and the dark green cloak on the bed.
He's serious.
Before he changes his mind, I snatch the blanket from the bed and hurry after him. Maybe tonight, I can catch some sleep after all.