'if you could destroy the story before it started, would you-go back-before the unnameable thing?' rachel mckibbens.
original episode
Sept. 19, 2023
All that is ahead has already come to be. Nothing will ever change it. You will have to accept the end as you begin.
Kieran Almazan was not too good at accepting the inevitable. It seemed unfair. Why should she be expected to accept unfairness?
If it was unfair, it had to be unjust. The two were like identical twins, the same but somehow different. One was dismissable and the other was unavoidable. Either way, someone had to make it right; correct the unfairness and make it fair; resist the unjust and seek justice.
While she didn't remember them, her father and brother fought against brutality. They led catastrophic operations against FEDRA in order to end their unfair treatments. They made the unfair actions and laws of FEDRA be seen like a flame in the night. It could not be dismissed anymore. They refused to be unseen and pushed aside, so they became unavoidable. They were fireflies. They brought light into the dark, guiding the innocent out of cruelty when their so-called protectors couldn't.
But not all fireflies were good. Some fought just to destroy. Some fought for revenge.
The same way not all FEDRA soldiers were bad. Some used their power to maintain humanity instead of brutality. Some fought for justice to be brought back into the light instead of being snuffed out as they were instructed to do so.
Kieran didn't know what she fought for. All she knew was that if she was hurt, she would return that hurt ten-folds to whoever, or whatever, caused it. She made the unfair, fair. Why accept unfairness when she can even the scale?
Smoke traveled upward, weaving through the branches and leaves until it became invisible to the human eye. Tucking her nose into her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs, Kieran zeroed in on the flames. Ranging from red to orange to gold, flickering with its need to consume. Fire was a force of its own making. It was raw energy that destroyed and created life. It was glorious.
"Again?" a voice boomed, ricocheting against the skinny trees. Kieran flinched despite expecting the person, but did not face them. She sunk her nose deeper in between her limbs, feeling the presence tower over her. She wanted to be like fire.
Instead, she was just Kieran.
She shrugged, lifting her head up to rest her chin on her knees. "I did what you said. Didn't make the fire near the library."
"That's not," she inhaled deeply, probably pinching the bridge of her nose. "You can't keep doing this, Kieran."
Knitting her eyebrows, Kieran looked at her guardian. "Doing what? It's just a stupid book."
Samara sighed, crouching beside the young girl, crunching the grass below her boots. "It's not just a book. It's the only version we have," she stressed for the umpteenth time. Kieran rolled her eyes in response. "And not just that—you can't destroy things just 'cause they make you upset. That's not how things work."
"You do it, so why can't I?" Kieran inquired. Her forehead creased. "Things weren't working out for you, so you made us leave, again. These shit books have shit endings, so I burn them, again." She turned back to the fire, faltering flames that angered her. "That's what we do to bad things."
Only fourteen, yet occupied with years of emotions that even the hardest man alive couldn't handle. Samara knew it was only because she was upset with her. She went against Samara's words because Samara went against hers.
"I know...I lied to you, I didn't mean to," Samara began, looking at the fire that started to die out. Dwindling around the remains of a story misunderstood. It would never get the chance to be understood. Not again. "I know you're upset about it. And I'm sorry."
Kieran unraveled herself, facing Samara. "Why can't we go back? It's almost been a month, Sam. They deserve to get buried."
"No," Samara shot down without missing a beat. "It's not safe for us."
The girl opened her mouth to argue, but shut it. There were days her emotions were as unambiguous as the sky. Others left both to tiptoe around the unforeseeable weather, altering every plan for it was unstable and unpredictable.
"Kieran..." Samara hovered her palm over the side of Kieran's face. A second passed before the young girl leaned into it, scrunching her nose. She swiped her thumb underneath the darkness that swelled below her eyes. "What's wrong?"
Samara could see how the two words sparked something in Kieran. Her lips parted, releasing a breath and nothing more. Kieran pulled away from Samara, standing up. She started towards their sector of town.
Samara dropped her head, squeezing her eyes shut, and let out a breath. Of fear, of stress, of anger, of love? She didn't quite know.
There were things Kieran would never understand. Maybe she could if Samara offered her what she knew, but Samara knew how she would handle it. She would be hurt. Then she would return the hurt. That's the only way she could deal with her problems. Samara made the mistake of teaching her that she can get rid of the pain by inflicting it back. In her defense, she was speaking about the bandits they dealt with in Portland, Maine, not when her feelings get hurt.
She had raised a child before, but back then it was different. A child learned to be by all of the people they were raised around. They took in everything, gaining their own perspective that was guided by their parents.
Now...it was rare that they would meet another person without needing to kill them onsight. Things that could differ depending on the situation were uncommon when Kieran was absorbing the world. She didn't see the world as anything else but evil, and they were the only good.
There were expectations, of course. Like Bill and Frank, who offered them safety after Boston. They accepted Kieran as if she was their own—even though Bill and Kieran did so reluctantly—and helped them when they needed it most. Or Tommy... Regardless, it wasn't enough for her to understand how to be a person. A human.
Some nights, Samara laid awake and wondered what would become of Kieran Almazan. Guilt would seep out of her pores as she eyed her sleeping figure. She appeared innocent, yet she gripped a knife underneath her head, ready to strike it into anyone who dared to touch her.
"We are who we need to live," is what Samara once told her from the moment she left everything behind for her. Everything they do is to ensure they see tomorrow and every day after. Every action, every lie, every promise, everything was for her.
Other nights, those thoughts were lured out as she was reminded of who Kieran was when it was just them. Just a girl, who captured fireflies in jars and released them as she muttered softly, "Go home." She strapped a stuffed giraffe to her book bag, refusing to leave without it.
She could be fixed. She just needed time.
Samara trailed behind Kieran, attentively covering her tracks with her own. Her strides were spaced further apart than usual. They were lighter, creating less of an impact on the grass. Samara couldn't tell if she was actually listening to her for once or doing it out of annoyance. It wasn't until she glanced upward that she realized.
Kieran was playing her games and Samara fell right into her trap. "Kieran!"
Nature answered in return, sending birds to mock Samara frustrating huff. She should have known. Kieran was like someone she once knew like her own mind in a past life, someone who did whatever they could to make you cave. She hated the answer no, just as much as an instant yes. She loved a challenge. She loved her games.
But Samara knew better. Games weren't fun if the other side wasn't participating.
She continued the unnoticeable trail back to what would be their home for just a few more days. Bushes rustled nearby. Samara made no reaction to them.
"C'mon! You owe me," Kieran's voice echoed throughout the forest. Samara was unsure of where she was until she glanced upwards. The girl with dark hair and a collection of white hairs that lined the right side of her head stared down at Samara, smiling as if no horrors existed. To her, they didn't if she didn't want them to be. "Just one game."
"You burned my books."
Her legs dangled off a medium sized branch. "Did you know forcing a child into a nomadic life is classified as trauma?"
"It's for—"
"Our safety—blah, blah, bla-blah-blah," she mocked, lolling her head side to side, swaying her body as if she wasn't more than double her height above the ground. "What about my mental well-being!?"
"You'll live."
"But what if I become suicidal and take my own life, like Romeo or Juliet, huh?"
Samara rolled her eyes, sending Kieran a knowing look as she tilted her head. Kieran regretted her question as it stumbled off her tongue. "You'd hate yourself forever if you went out that way."
A pout formed. Kieran mocked Samara once more before admitting defeat with a groan and climbed down the tree. "You suck."
"So I've heard a couple hundred times before."
"Has to be a couple thousand at this point."
Samara let out a hum as a response. She guided Kieran in front of her, much to her dismay. Still, she did all the things she was told to do each time they left the gates, just with groans and grumbles, lolling her head side to side as if she were a drunken bastard.
"When we get back, you're studying for another thirty minutes."
"What?" Kieran let out, almost halting and facing Samara if it weren't for the serious look on the woman's face. "This is so stupid."
"Then tell me why you burned the book."
"It's just a book for fuck's sake—"
Samara's face had already contorted into one of disapproval, but shifted into an unreadable high-alert expression as the electrified gate that kept them separated from the dangerous world was wide open.
No auditory words were uttered. The air stilled as Samara signed to Kieran, "Get the higher ground and hide."
Kieran didn't need any further instructions. Years and years with bandits and raiders wanting them and their things, dealing with danger was second nature. If not her only nature.
She left without a trace or sound, using her petite stature and knowledge to disappear. Samara silently prayed Kieran would listen for once.
As for the older, less agile but more experienced, Samara held her gun as if it were a hand. Stepping into the small area, no one could be seen, even in broad daylight. Bandits and raiders made themselves known. They wanted you to cower in fear as they ravaged for what they wanted. They wanted to see, smell, and taste your fears as they took and took and took.
This was not one of those moments.
In the secure area of a ruined town, the well-protected gates only surrounded a library and diner. Both were covered with nature to appear as if they were left the day after outbreak day, but were restored to cater to two people. Everything looked as if no one was there, but was a facade. One touch to the gate without a code and you would meet your maker.
The question was: how did someone get in when the only other people who knew the code were dead?
Cocking her gun as she entered the diner, the door jingled above her. A set of muddy footsteps made a trail into the back where they kept their food. Clean-cut tracks, evenly spaced as if they didn't fear what could be lurking around.
"If this is how you treat all of your guests, no wonder Marlene sent me instead of coming herself."
Samara kept the barrel pointed at the green-eyed firefly, who did not flinch at the weapon. She was quite used to being on the other end of a gun. And less frequently but more often than others, she was on the opposite end of Samara Miller's gun. "How'd you get in?"
Farah held back a smirk, leaning against the counter underneath worn-out denim. She popped a cherry tomato into her mouth. "Faulty wires."
"Stop lying," Samara told, hovering the metal over Farah's forehead. It had been years since she had seen the once-girl-now-woman. That was when Samara had a heart willing to take in others. Now that heart is small, occupying a ghost and Kieran; everything Samara needed.
The firefly leaned back, taking a slow breath as she found no hesitation in Samara's behavior. "Your fencing has a twenty-five second delay to keep the little one from hurting herself. It's easy to slip by a girl who can't hear very well."
A second. Then two passed before Samara lowered her gun, clicking the safety back on. Kieran had been out there for at least an hour while Samara was resetting the traps. If Farah wanted to, she could have easily accessed all their weapons and used them against them.
But she didn't.
"What does Marlene want now?" the older woman spat, growing angry at the mention of the leader of the Boston QZ Fireflies.
"She has a job for you—"
"I don't owe her shit," Samara reminded as Farah knew well. The young adult's shoulders shifted downward. "I'm done with this firefly bullshit. Now get out."
Following her hand motion, Farah moved from behind the counter and towards the glass door with her hands at her sides. She paused once they were in the open, daring to continue to face Samara.
"You owe her," Farah spoke slowly, obviously repeating what she had been ordered to say. Marlene was terrifying and all Farah knew as a guardian, but Samara was worse. So much worse.
Almost tempted to take her frustration out on Farah, Samara resorted to narrowing her eyes at her instead of her gun. "I paid my dues a long time ago, kid. I don't owe Marlene anything."
The next sentence came out after a few painful seconds. "It's either you take the job and do what she says, or she takes back her cargo."
Samara's eyes softened. Thoughts formed and rattled around her mind in under a second. She should have known Marlene wouldn't keep her side of the deal when shit goes sideways for her. She was controlling a chess game that established a truce on. She wouldn't quit.
"How'd you—she know where we were?" Samara asked slowly, inspecting Farah's reaction for lies.
Inhaling and exhaling, Farah miraculously maintained steady eye contact. "She's always known where you've been. She just hasn't had a reason to come after you til now."
Confirming all that Samara had feared, she let out a breath. She glanced away from Farah to a glimmer in the window of a rundown building. A mistake on her part. She was stupid to think she would actually listen. She had forgotten about Kieran.
Kieran had not forgotten about her. Her finger hovered over the trigger as she squeezed her right eye shut, viewing through her left. Music filled her silence and protected her ears from further damage. The glance was a signal. Small and unnoticeable by the intruders, but what Kieran was searching for.
A gunshot rang throughout the area. Startled birds flew away from their homes, rustling the trees around.
Samara flinched, stepping to the side. Farah was already staring at her, and despite what Samara expected, she was perfectly fine. Her face dropped in horror.
A thud echoed behind Samara. Dust rose as blood seeped from the hole in the man's temple. He was nearly Samara's age, experienced and ready.
Once again, Farah was on the other end of Samara's gun. Her back was wide open to an assassin. Either way, she was dead. "Marlene wouldn't let me go without back-up!"
Searching her fear-filled eyes for truths and lies, Samara ultimately chose it was true. Farah used to be a smaller version of the woman she was; cunning and brilliant, appearing to be innocent. If it wasn't for Tess Servopoulos, Farah would have died at the age of eleven. Still Samara kept her gun up.
"What's the job?"
"Call off the sniper."
The corners of her mouth twitched. "She doesn't listen well. What's the job?"
Shifting in her place, Farah quivered. "She needs you to ensure an important piece of cargo goes to a Firefly base out west."
"You have hundreds of Fireflies that could do that. Why me?"
"She...trusts you to put your all into this. You won't hesitate to do what needs to be done 'cause you don't want to lose everything again."
There were a thousand things Kieran would never understand about the world. There were a million things she would never understand about Samara. There were pieces of Samara that she would never meet—she understood that. No matter how they spent their days together, no matter how many letters she read without Samara knowledge, no matter how hard she tried she will never understand Samara.
Watching as she knocked out the intruder, signing to her to get back into the fence, Kieran let out a breath. A smile crept from somewhere dark inside of Kieran.
She was content with never understanding Samara Miller. None of what she hid from Kieran would ever change that she would give up her life for Kieran. That was love,
and that was all Kieran wanted.
2.9k words
what do we think of kieran? personally and very biased, i love that crazy, blood-thirsty kid. she's my child and can do no wrong!
I was going to make this chapter longer but I felt after the first two chapters which are 5k-6k words, we needed a short chapter to ease into the time jump.
please tell me your thoughts, theories, ideas, or random things! I love interacting with you guys and your opinions help me grow as a writer!
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and this book so far!