"I have late night conversations with the moon, he tells me about the sun and I tell him about you."
~ S.L. Gray
***
Irene's POV:
Standing at the balcony of this resort in Zambales, overlooking the beach and Mt. Cinco, while everyone around me is either minding their own business or part of the team that will handle my wedding that's three days from now, I cannot help but remember the time when I almost ended my life three years ago over someone who not only broke my heart but also crushed my soul.
I was an exchange student. Opportunity came when I was on my senior year at the College of Music in UP Diliman. At that point, I felt like the world is finally rewarding all of my hardships. Imagine getting yourself into the Royal Academy of Music! Their acceptance rate is at 10% making the institution difficult to get into. It is the Britain's oldest music conservatoire with alumni including Sir Elton John and Annie Lennox! And I get to study for free! I didn't really think much of it when I tried applying for their scholarship but as fate would have it, looking back? That might've been the best or the worst four years of my life.
I came from a family of conservatives and traditionalists. My parents found it so hard to let me go on my own. I've always been well guarded by them all my life, except maybe that time that I got my heart broken.
Three years ago.
I almost got married three years ago.
I almost come home bringing my could've been husband with me.
I almost made it to my fairytale.
With our marriage visitor visa and the marriage license inside the folder that I was holding, I waited for him to make it. Wearing my white dress with the coat that we bought in the thrift store just outside London, I waited for him to show up.
I waited until the last person inside the Hackney Town Hall left. I waited until the wedding hall became deserted.
Did you know about the story of the Kauai'o'o bird?The last of their kind. They were once native to an island in Hawaii. Several factors lead to their extinction. They were last sighted as a flock on 1985 with the last recorded video in 1987 of what was believed to be the very last survivor, singing his hearts out, hoping for any of his flock to hear him.
And just like the last song of the last male Kauai'o bird for a female that would never come, I waited for the love that could never pick me. I waited for the last train ride, the last phone call, the last song to be played on our favorite pub. And no matter how many lasts I watched flash before my eyes, he never came back. He just left. He went extinct just like those birds. Without warning, without notice, he just disappear. He left me without even saying goodbye.
What used to be a life filled with joy and music, mine went silent three years ago. Even if music stayed with me even after he left me, it was never the same. The melody changed, the harmony and the rhythm never played the same way again.
It lost its soul. It lost its home.
***
It was raining hard that day. I was on my second term on my first year and I haven't really gotten used to the weather in UK. It's sunny and the next thing I know, it's raining already!
With my notes and musical sheets, I cannot really brave the pouring rain. I'd rather be late than to lose them all. That's when I first saw him. That's how I met him.
He just came outside the coffee shop with his take out meal in one hand and his umbrella on the other. My first thought? Debonair! He's oozing with air of confidence. I can't really tell if he's a Filipino but he seems like one. And the way his suit hugs around his body perfectly? I just knew he came from money. Also, I do not have to mention how snob looking he was. Ang presko! Parang mayabang.
'I don't have any spare for today. Try and beg somewhere else.'
BEG? Ako? Beg? Gago to ahh! Abogado tatay ko! We may not be filthy rich but I lived a very comfortable life. Sira ulo to ahh!
"Kupal. Anong beg? Gago pala to ehh."
'Ohh. Your Pinay pala.'
"Pakialam mo kung anong race ako?"
'Sorry. I really thought Korean ka. Or Chinese. Or Japanese. Kahit ano na singkit.'
"Tse! Akala mo pulubi ako! That's what it was! Annoying."
'Then why are you looking at me like that? Kumain ka na na? You want my food? Pwede naman tayo mag share. You seems.. tidy naman.'
"Because! May payong ka, moron! I have to go to my class pa. I don't have umbrella."
'Where?"
'RAM. You work here?'
"No. Nag aaral rin. Masters."
'Saan?'
"Oxford."
Ohh. Rich and smart.
I kept thinking about that day up until today. Until three days before I tied the knot with someone else. If only I knew how this will all turned out to be, would I choose a different path back then?
'Hatid na kita. I have my car parked two blocks from here. Pa hawak na lang ng coffee ko, ako na dito sa umbrella.'
I agreed.
That first encounter was followed by another meeting, still outside that coffee shop. But not because of the weather. Not because I am in need of an umbrella.
We met simply because, the pull is too strong for us to ignore. One date, I said to myself and this might be over. But unlike any other parts of my life, he simply has been someone I would gladly break all my parents' rules for.
Dad said no boyfriend until I finished both of my degrees, I refused to leave him. Mom said to be open and for me not to lie to them, I kept him hidden until the very last time.
They said to guard my heart with caution and care. I did the exact opposite.I gave him all of me. Everything that I can. Everything! We lived together, we did things together. At one point, I thought, I am living the best of my life. But when it's time for us to come and claim our happily ever after, he left me.
And my soul has been suffering silently since then.
***
Before I met him, I would sing to my hearts content! I would visualize myself conducting to a full ensemble of musicians even when I am taking a shower. When we're together, I want nothing but to think of those thoughts with him while we share a bath together. But when he left me, I'd sit on the floor with the water running through my body while I bawled my eyes out. And now? I'd shower so quickly, I'd leave no time for myself to dream, to sing or dance or even to cry. Somehow, someone can occupy even the smallest part of your life in ways you can't even imagine. And not until you start again, doing the things you've done before and you ever wonder why you ever stopped, that you will realize how much has changed. How broken you were. How far you've come. How healed yet damaged you are.
'Oyyy. Lalim naman ata ng iniisip mo, Hon.'
Patrick's patience and presence saved me from the pit of pain that I was left with. I was able to finish both of my degrees, much to my parent's happiness but in my heart, it was not as glorious and as victorious as when I first came to UK.
Empty. That's how I felt. That's how I am feeling. I know it will sound ridiculous and maybe heartless, but I will be settling down to give way to my Dad's request and Patrick's the safest choice.
"Hindi. Medyo pagod lang. May rehearsal dinner, diba?"
'Yes. Ahh.. Hon? Kasama nila Papa na dadating si Kuya ha? Please, don't take it personally kung medyo masungit. Ganun lang talaga yun, but he is the best brother.'
"I didn't know na may kapatid ka pala."
'Hon.. si Kuya ang best man ko. Nasa invites natin, ikaw talaga. Ohh, maybe because different surname?'
Truth is, I didn't bother to read those invitations. I didn't even know who's going to be part of the entourage or the principal sponsors. As long as Patrick shows up, I'm okay.
"Why is that?"
'Adopted lang naman ako, diba? Anyways, sige na. Get ready na Hon. Para makapag start na tayo.'
I hate weddings! They continuously remind me of how was I three years ago. But unlike him, I will show up. I will not do to Patrick what he's done with me. I may not be in love with him but he's a good person. Patrick's a wonderful friend.
And just before I go to the bathroom for a quick shower, I saw this invitation of ours on my bedside table. It would be too improper and offensive if I didn't even know Patrick's brother, even just his name.
My eyes starts moving as I read silently. What? My breathing's changed, my hands turned ice cold. There's piercing silence in my head. I feel like everything is spinning!
For three years, I refused to say his name out loud. I tried avoiding everything that will remind me of him or of our time together. After all, it was a world we built with only the two of us in it. Because the moment we planned on telling it to both of our families, he left me.
But here right before my eyes, is his name.
My soul, my lover, my life. My everything.
Greggy Araneta III.
***
Tonight may be our rehearsal dinner but it doesn't feels like it. I am anticipating the arrival of the man I wanted to see the least, or never! And to top it all, I cannot tell anyone else about how I'm feeling. Not only that no one knew about us, but what do I tell them anyway? That the adopted brother of my fiancé is my ex fiancé who stood me up on what was supposed to be our wedding day?
This is so fucking messed up! I am sure as hell that he read the invitation already! And how stupid am I to not even bother to pay any attention to any single detail of this wedding, my wedding.
And as I take my seat, I noticed that the one on my left side is empty. Shit. Please tell me they didn't reserved it for him.
'Hon? Okay lang, sa tabi mo si Kuya? I owe him my life Hon. Gusto ko sana bago yung wedding, okay kayo sa isa't isa. Please?'
Okay kami sa isa't isa? We are far from being okay! Your brother ditched me for reasons I don't even know! Okay is the last word that anybody should be using with regards to him and I when we are to be put in the same sentence!
Tang ina! I cannot even love you because of how damaged I am because of him! Okay? Okay my ass!
"Sure. As long as it's okay with him, I'm cool."
'Okay with me? Are you two talking about me?'
FUCK. I haven't heard his voice for three years! Let alone be in the same space, breathe the same air and share the same meal! This feels so familiar yet so foreign.
'Kuya! Kuya Greggy! Finally! Meet Irene, my soon to be wife. Hon? Kuya ko. My savior and my best friend. Si Kuya Greggy.'
He extends his hand to me, to which I am very reluctant to accept. But I did anyway. People are looking at us and I know that it will spark talks and confusion if I declined. I don't want to look impolite. But when I did, I feel like someone is sending shockwaves through my system. I can't look at him. His presence alone is too much.
'Hi.'
"Hello. Take your seat, para maka kain na. You're late in case you failed to notice that."
'Hon.. it's okay.'
It's not okay. He was never late! In all of my recitals, plays and rehearsals, he was never late! All of those late nights sessions and practice that I have to attend to, he was always on time to pick me up! He always showed up on time! He never made me wait. He's always so patient in waiting for me.
Except for the last time. I waited for him until I can no longer take the pain. And up until now? I'm still waiting for the closure I never received.
Why didn't he come?
Why was he not there?
Why he left me without saying anything?
Why? Just why?
Why even after all of the pain that he caused me, I am still in love with him? Why can't my heart just let him go?
'Sorry, Irene. But I'm here already. Nandito na ako. Sa tabi mo. Nandito na ako Rene.'
I turn to look at him and he's already looking at me. I can't cry. I must not cry! So I just take my seat once again.
Patrick gave the cue for the host to start the program for tonight. It's not really a formal one. Just an opportunity for both families to break the ice and get acquainted before the big day.
They dimmed the lights as kickstart the night.
And that's when I felt him holding my hand. No one can ever saw what's happening. It's under the table and Patrick's too occupied to even notice.
'Miss na miss na kita Bub. Miss na miss.'
***
They started serving foods but my mind is on his hand still holding mine. I would look at him from time to time but he is acting like nothing's going on! What the hell?
'Hon? Try this. Masarap.'
I can feel his grip becoming tighter.
He doesn't want me to. Huh? The heck if I will do as you wish!
"Konti lang. Half and half, para you can try rin"
I gave Patrick half of the food before I'll try it on my own. But just before I tried it, he pull my hand making me spill some of the foods over.
'Kuya..'
"What's your problem?"
'Sabi mo kanina diba, allergic ka sa seafood? May crabmeat yan. Baka ma trigger allergy mo.'
How the fuck can he remember every little thing about me, and still managed to act like he didn't even remember that he left me?
'Ohh. Sorry Hon. Thanks Kuya. Let's ask for something else.'
Truth is, I don't feel hungry. I just want this night to be over, even the wedding! It feels like I am living in my nightmare. The pain is slowly coming back. I just want to stay numb forever.
'Bub, kain ka please.'
"Ayoko nga kasi. Ano bang pakialam mo? And let my hand go! Let me go nga!"
'I can't.'
"You've let me go once! Hindi naman na bago sayo kung bibitawan mo ako, diba?"
It looks like we are just chatting normally, but we are far from it. I am seething! His nerve to sit beside me! To hold me and to try to feed me! Ang kapal ng mukha!
'Doesn't mean I wanted to. Bumalik ako Bub. Binalikan kita. Hinanap kita. Ikaw lang Bubboo. Ikaw pa rin.'
I lost count how many times I just wanted to cry tonight! I've tried my best to keep it together, but I can't. Not anymore. I can only thank everyone who thought that it's a nice idea to put dim lights when you're having dinner by the beach. They are making my life easier right now.
"You never should have left me. I waited, Greggy. I waited for you! Hindi mo ako dapat balikan kung simula sa umpisa hindi mo naman ako iniwan. Now you're coming back? For what?"
'I'm not here to disregard what you and my brother have. I wanted to see it, personally. You getting married. Maybe then, I'll stop loving you. I might stop loving you then.'
***
I don't know how am I surviving this night but the sooner this is over, the better. Patrick and I are supposed to give speeches but I have no will to do it. Dad personally picked Patrick for me. How do I begin to tell people about that?
Was I forced? No.Do I like him? I do. He's a good person, he is very patient and it was him who stopped me when I tried ending my life. Since then, Patrick has been nothing but a very good friend.Do I love him? I sincerely care for him. But love him in a way a fiancé should be? No.
And I don't think if I can ever will, because his brother took my heart with him when he left.
I was not able to take it back from him.
The host came to us to let us know that we should ready ourselves for the welcome speech we each have to make. I don't have any! And I will not try to make any impromptu address for the guests that we have.
"Ikaw na lang, for the two of us? Sa wedding na lang ako."
'Mahiyain talaga tong fiancé ko, Kuya'
No, Patrick. I am sure your brother will disagree one hundred percent! I used to sit in some of his classes even begging his professors just so they could let me in, just because I miss him.
I used to be mad with his female block mates if they were to get too close and clingy with him.
But as always, he was the most patient and understanding. Either he'd shrugged it off or he will just made a good laugh out of it.
He never was mad. I was young and fierce and passionate about him and everything about us, while he's the mature and responsible. He was accepting and tolerant. He was my world and I am his. I was his storm and he was my calm.
'Okay lang. Take charge, Patrick. Speak for the two of you na lang. I'm sure she'll speak when she's ready and comfortable.'
And as always, he was... and he will always be, the peace in me.
***
Everyone's attention was called for Patrick's speech. He took my hand before he went to the stage making me a bit uncomfortable because his brother was looking at us like a hawk!
'Bub? Bubboo? Psst! Rene! Bub?'
Where on earth is he getting the nerve to call me by the names that used to be so special between us? He is irritating!
'Bunny ko.. psst!'
"Ano? Ang gulo mo! Kanina ka pa!"
'Bakit ka tumingin? Ikaw ba yun?'
"Edi hindi!"
'Pikon. Ang pikon mo pa rin, Bub.'
"Shut up. Magsasalita na yung magiging asawa ko, kaya pwede ba? Shut the hell up."
That seems to work because he stopped bugging me about his nonsensical behavior. But I must admit, it somehow made me feel a bit empty.
'Hi everyone. Oh God, where do I begin? Good evening, I guess?'
While everyone else is laughing, I noticed that his brother is busy taking pictures here and there. Since when did he enjoy taking pictures?
'Bub.. look here. Isa lang.'
I did look at him but to my surprise, he didn't take any pictures of me. Instead, he just smiles. Weird!
'Ahh.. Irene's a bit shy to give any message for tonight, sa wedding na lang raw po. So this is me speaking for the two of us. Thank you so much for taking the trouble. We know just how busy everyone is, salamat po. Irene personally picked Zambales and I couldn't agree with her enough because of how beautiful and scenic it is. To quote my fiancé, sorry Hon ha? I just really have to share it with them.'
I just nod at him. People might think it is sweet of us but in reality, everything that his brother and I used to talked and planned before for our wedding? I poured it all out during the preparation of this wedding. I barely asked and checked for the progress, but the location and how the set up should be? That's all on me. At the back of my mind, if I am to marry someone else, the least thing I could do, is to do it in the way that the person who still holds my heart planned it out.
'Let's get married in a place where the heaven touches the earth.'
His brother turned to look at me again. This time, with his expression I cannot quite understand. Is he mad? Shocked? In pain? I don't know. But that's what he used to tell me.
'Bubboo, I will marry you again ha? After our wedding here in UK. Somewhere where the heaven touches the earth.'
Have you ever been to Zambales? Then you will understand why I picked it out of all the destinations. The seemingly endless blue sky has enveloped the whole mountain view with one of the most beautiful beaches. Just like how I imagined heaven touching the earth.
***
After several more thank you for our family and friends, Patrick turned his attention to his brother who stopped talking to me after he spilled the reason why I picked Zambales.
'Now, I know that this night is about Irene and I, but please allow me to pay tribute to the man who is not only the reason why am I here today- alive, but truly... without his selfless support since the time I was first brought in to their home, not only I could be dead, but had I not died out of hunger and poverty, baka po I am now part of society's sakit ng ulo. To my Kuya Greggy, Kuya? Thank you. For everything.'
He used to talk about his "adopted little brother", but I didn't realize that it's on this level of love. He really adored Patrick.
'After countless motivations and pushes for me to study well and reached for the dream that would be impossible to achieve without him and the whole family, hindi po natapos sa pagbibigay ng pagkakataon na mabago ang buhay ko, ang ibinigay sakin ng Kuya. From one of the street children that I was, I became a lawyer. I studied so hard to make them proud. But little did I know that those stomach pains every now and then, those stabbing pains here and there would turn into a life threatening incident that once again proved how selfless my Kuya is. I can still clearly remember that day. Nasa office po ako ni Papa when all I felt was pain. Just stabbing pain. When we came to the hospital, doctors were shocked to find out that my kidneys were failing and the next I remember, I was hooked for an emergency dialysis. It was so bad that the only thing that can save me is a kidney transplant. And just like any other dark times of my life, Kuya came again to rescue me. He gave me one of his kidneys three years ago.'
Three years ago?
When he left me, that's what happened? He donated his kidney to Patrick? I do not have to look at him to confirm my thoughts. This time, it was me who reached out to hold his hand.
***
I've had enough of waiting and guessing. My questions were not answered by Patrick's speech! If for anything, it gave me more questions than answers. So here I am, standing outside Greggy's room right after everyone retreats to their assigned lodging.
Greggy.
It still feels weird saying it again. It has been so long. So long Bubboo. I knocked thrice before the door opens, revealing a surprised Greggy.
'Bub? Okay ka lang?'
"Yeah. But.. can I come in?"
'You're alone? Nasan si Patrick?'
"I don't know. Baka nasa room nya? Can I come in?"
'I don't know, Rene. Baka may maka kita sayo ehh. Can we talk outside na lang?'
"No. I want to sleep with you tonight. Please?"
'Bubboo.. hindi pwede.'
"Three years, Greggy. Tatlong taon na hindi ko alam bakit ako naiwan! Tatlong taon na isip ako ng isip saan ako mali? Saan may kulang? May ginawa ba ako sayo? O baka naman may nga hindi pa ako nagagawa kaya umalis ka? Three years that I felt nothing but emptiness. Tapos eto lang, ayaw mo? Ang damot mo naman!"
'Bub.. hindi naman sa ayoko, kaya lang kasi..'
"Kasi ano? Baka makita ng kapatid mo?"
'Rene..'
"Fuck you, Greg! Ang selfish mo!"
'Fine. Come inside. Let's talk.'
That's all I needed to hear. For him to be willing for us to talk. He closed the door behind us making me move a bit closer to him. It's too dark.
"Bubboo.. ang dilim."
'I know. Wait a sec, here. Better?"
"Yeah.. Greggy? Nagugutom ako."
'We just came from dinner, you're hungry?'
"I wasn't able to eat properly ehh. Please?"
I'm not really hungry. I just want to prolong my time with him for as long as I can. Because it hurts. It hurts to be this close yet it feels that we're oceans apart.
'Something light na lang, is that okay?'
"Yeah. Then sit here with me. Let's talk."
I'm not paying much attention to what he is requesting from the kitchen because my mind and my heart can only focus to the fact that we're together.. again... bounded by a frisky fate.
'Okay na yun? O you want more?'
More. I wanted more. More of you. More of us. More of the life that we had. More of your love. I always wanted more.
***
"My morning starts to shine
With teardrops in my eyes
And here I am alone starting to realize
That my days would be brighter
If I could learn to hide
The feeling that I have for you
Keeps haunting me inside"
***
Greggy sit on the other end of the bed. I don't know if it's his conscious effort to give both of us safe space or if that's where he just wanted to sit, regardless.. I want him near me.
'So.. talk, you say?'
"Yeah."
'Irene.. I-'
"Shut up. I'll be asking questions. Just answer them. I don't want excuses. I want the truth, Greggy. Just the fucking truth!"
He looks at me with so much remorse? Pain? Love, maybe? But they're not enough to fill the void inside me.
"So.. you donated your kidney. And? That's it? That's the beginning and end of us? Because you decided to give one of your kidney to your brother?"
'Well, yes? I gave Patrick one of my kidney. Irene, I came back. After the operation. I came back. I swear to God! Pero wala ka na. I don't know about your details in the Philippines. We never really dwell on those things before. But I swear, I looked for you. I came back, Bub. Binalikan kita.'
"You didn't even mention about your plans of donating. And of all the days, Greggy! Of all the days, why does it have to be on the day of our wedding?"
'It was an emergency. Patrick didn't even know that his kidneys were failing. If there were signs, he might overlooked it for something else. Dad called telling me that Pat's been put in an emergency dialysis. I don't even know that I will be donating. I just came home praying to not lose my brother. That option came after. We put him on the transplant list, but that's close to impossible. Everybody got tested. Mom, Dad, me, everyone. Heck even our household staff. I was his matched.
As impossible as it may seemed, we matched.'
The more I learned about what happened, the more I am getting mad at him. I don't know how it feels like, to have a family member be on the verge of dying.. but I know how it feels like.. to die everyday, only to wake up the next day still alive, over losing someone you never even dreamed you would have to say goodbye to.
"In your effort to save him, I died Greggy! I died inside! Every single time since that day three years ago, I am dying!"
'Bubboo..'
"Ganun na lang yun? Apat na taon, ganun na lang?"
'What do you want, Rene? We can't really do much here now, can we?'
"Why not? I want you! I want us! Just like before. Bakit hindi pwede? I can't marry him, Greggy. I just can't. Hindi ko kaya Bub."
This may be the first time he is seeing me cry after he left. And I cannot promise that this will be the last.
'Can I come closer?'
I haven't even answered him yet, but he moves closer to me anyway. And when his arms found me, I sobbed even harder. I allow myself to be vulnerable in front of the person whom I considered to be my safe and my strength all those years. After not seeing him, after not talking to him, after not being able to hold him, after not knowing what happened.. my heart still remembers.
It still remembers what it feels like.
It still remembers what it smells like.
It still remembers the warmth, the comfort, the security.
It still remembers its home.
"Bubboo.."
'I know. I know Bub. I know.'
"But?"
'There's no but. Just know that I love you. I always have, and I always will be. I tried reaching out. But I stopped when the doctor said that the operation on the donor is just as dangerous as the recipient. I don't know if I will survive, Rene. I can't leave you like that. But when I came back, I guess that's too late. I made a mistake, it's all on me. And that is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I lost you and I have no one to blame but me. But Bub? Please.. please be happy.'
How can I? If in every holiday, every family dinner, every gathering that I would see him, I will always wish upon myself that it's him instead of his brother who is sitting beside me.
I never wanted to live in a world where I could not love him. But now? I have to.
Or maybe not. Maybe even from a distance, even from afar, no matter how silent my heart may be, in the hidden corners of it, it will always be in love with him.
"Bubboo? Dito ako sleep sayo, please?"
'Irene..'
"Please Greggy. Huli naman na, diba?"
***
"Then my days begin
With simple thoughts of you
Hoping that tomorrow will be me and you
Sharing dreams with each other
And making them come true
Holding one another, saying all I need is you"
***
I wake up the next day with Greggy beside me. His arms are still wrapped around my waist while he snores lightly. I'm still in my dreamland even after waking up, because right here beside me is the only person I never thought I would see again, let alone... share the same bed with him. Because he is still sleeping, it bought me some time to look at his face closer. There are now visible lines around his eye area, but not much has changed. Not much yet everything feels so distant. So distant yet so close. Is that even possible?
'Baka naman matunaw ako nyan. Ang aga aga mo naman ako titigan'
"Kapag mamaya ba, pwede pa rin?"
'When no one's watching? When no one's looking.. maybe?'
And that's the thing with what we have or of what's left of what we used to have.
I can still be in love with him, I can still care for him and maybe he with me. Just, when no one's watching. When no one is looking. We just have to keep it buried and hidden away for the world not to know.
"I'm going out today. May gusto ako puntahan na church."
'But.. Patrick can't join you. Bawal na kayo magkita today diba? Because tomorrow ang wedding.'
"Hindi ko naman siya gusto kasama ahh. Move over. I have to get ready."
'Five minutes. Stay for five minutes more.'
And I did. I buried my face to the crook of his neck while I take my time inhaling his all familiar scent. I don't care how this looks like, it still feels like home. Always. And we may not be around each other to show or witness it, but I just know how it would always feels like.
Home. Always and forever.
'I love you, Rene.'
"Hmmm."
I can't answer him back. Because telling him that I love him sounds like goodbye. And there may be a million things I wanted to tell him, but goodbye is not one of them. I never wanted to say goodbye.
***
"But will you say that you love me
And show me that you care
Say when I need you
You will always be there
But if you go and leave me
This I swear is true
My love will always be with you"
***
Mommy's been all over me this morning as she tries to stop me from going out all by myself. I know I'd looked like a brat for insisting, but today is the last day where I can be just myself for me. I know that Patrick is such a wonderful human being but I am marrying him for Dad, not because I'm in love with him. It may sounds crazy but will it be so wrong if I tell you that I am kind of hoping for Greggy to change his mind?
How beautiful would that be? To spend the rest of your life with someone you truly love.
'Irene ang tigas ng ulo mo ha, lagot ka sa Daddy mo.'
"Mommy.. mabilis lang kasi ako. Gusto ko lang talaga mag punta sa church na yun. Please?"
'Anak kasal mo na bukas, mag isa ka lang. Hindi nga pwede'
I am about to answer my mother one more time when we both have to stopped talking from hearing this voice that my heart is too familiar with.
'Ako na lang po sasama kay Irene, kung okay lang po sa inyo.'
'Ay Hijo, Greggy.. sige nga. At ang tigas ng ulo nito ehh, ayaw pumayag na hindi siya aalis.'
"No need na, Mommy. It's fine, Greggy. I do not want to be imposing. It's okay. But thanks anyway."
'Anak! Greggy? Kuya Greggy. Nakaka hiya, baka isipin ni Greggy wala kang manners.'
Now that's funny. I can never call him Kuya! Ever!
'Okay lang po. Greggy is fine. And Irene? It's okay. Magagalit si Patrick kung aalis ka ng ikaw lang. Tita? I'll keep her safe, I promise.'
'Sige nga ha? Ikaw ng bahala sa batang yan. Mag aasawa na at lahat, ang tigas pa rin ng ulo. Anak? Sumama ka na kay Greggy.'
If only I can Mom, if only I am allowed to, I would.
Dahil wala akong ibang gusto gawin sa buhay ko, kung hindi makasama si Greggy sa bawat araw, sa habang panahon, hanggang sa matapos ang buhay ko.
"Okay. Sa St. Michael tayo."
'Okay Bubboo. Okay.'
If this is the last day that I get to be with him this up close, with just the two of us, maybe I can use it to make as much memories as I can, hoping for it to last a lifetime without him.
***
When we reached the lobby of the resort, I'm trying to scan the area for which car are we going to use because I can't find any. The church is quite far from here so I am sure that we can't be walking. But where is the damn car?
"Greggy? How are we going to-"
'Shhh. You are trying to ruin my surprise. Kulit mo talaga.'
"Where's the car? Malayo yung church kasi!"
'Put this on muna. Sige na.'
A helmet? We're going to ride a motorcycle? I have always dreamed of riding one. It's just that, whenever I would asked my parents about it, they would flat out say no. And when I asked Greggy when we were still in UK, the plan never happened. Either he was busy or vice versa. But he promised that we would. That I would.
He kept his promise. Even just for this one, he kept his word. And for that? I am grateful.
"This is my first time, I'm shaking!"
'I know. You need help with that?'
"I can manage."
But I can't. I don't know how am I supposed to adjust this freaking strap. I hate it! This is my first time and I'm already starting to get pissed.
'Haaaay. Ganito kasi ohh, here. You have to pull it here.'
Greggy is all smiles as he adjusts the strap for me. He even pat my helmet twice before he placed his own.
"Thank you."
'Bagay sayo. Ang ganda mo. Let's go?'
"Bubboo? Alam mo na san tayo pupunta?"
'Yes. I saw you a while ago checking out its picture. Alam ko na. Just hold on tight, okay? And tell me if I'm going too fast.'
He helped me get into his huge motorcycle before we speed away.
Away from the cruel world. Away from the reality.
Away from anything that's hurting me.
'Don't let go, Bubboo.'
If it were my way? Never, Greggy. I will never let you go.
***
We made it just before lunch time. The place looks deserted. I do wonder if it's because it is not Sunday or people in here are just living their life as laidback as I thought they would.
'Kain muna tayo? Gutom ka na?'
"Greggy?"
'Yeah? May gusto ka? Tell me.'
IKAW. My heart answered him silently.
"Kahit ano lang, ikaw na bahala."
I intend on telling him that maybe, just for the last time.. maybe we can be like how we used to be. But I chickened out because I dread the possibility of being rejected once again.
'Walang restaurant, Bubboo. All those carinderia kanina, okay lang sayo?'
"Yeah."
He parked the motorcycle just in front of the church before we made our way to one of those eatery. I'm not really particular about the food. Water is my only concern because my stomach easily gets upset with it. But as soon as we were seated, Greggy gave me this water tumbler that I failed to notice a while ago.
"You brought one pala?"
'Nasa compartment. Maarte tiyan mo sa tubig, diba? You can't get sick. Ikakasal ka pa bukas.'
"Yeah."
We are looking at each other's eyes like no one is around us. We're too consumed with both of our presence that we didn't realize that our food is already on the table.
'Did I ordered too much?'
"It's fine. We can try a little bit of everything naman. Ikaw na lang kumain kapag ayaw ko."
'Ganyan ka naman palagi.'
When was the last time Greggy finished the food for me? I don't even remember. Yet it seems like it happened not too long ago.
'Bub? Kain ka na. Ayaw mo ng pagkain?'
"I just remember something", I told him to mask this nostalgic moment between us.
'Patrick?'
"Yeah. Baka kasi hindi pa siya kumakain."
'You are making me feel jealous.'
"You don't have to be. Wala ka naman karapatan."
'I know. Doesn't mean it does not hurt.'
How I wish I could be as open as him. But I can't. And I should not. He wants us to remain how we are right now, and that's how it will be.
Me and Him?
For a time a prologue. But now? An epilogue.
***
After our lunch, which surprisingly ended not as awkward as how it started, we head back to the church not too far from where we ate.
'Why here, Bubboo ko? Ang layo nito sa resort ahh.'
"They said that this is the prettiest heritage church here in Zambales raw. Coral stone yung facade. I don't know about the inside though."
I answered him straight away without paying much attention to how he addressed me. But I did notice. And I miss it. Very much.
***
As we stepped inside the church, it is noticeable that how was it outside is exactly how it is from where Greggy and I are standing- quiet, deserted but peaceful in a way I cannot explain.
'Where do you want to sit?'
"Sa harapan na lang, wala naman tao."
He takes my hand as we walk towards the altar. From an outsider point of view, it would look like we are actually a couple. If only we didn't have to part ways three years ago. As we get closer, Greggy's grip also becomes tighter. I'm not sure what is that for, but I welcome each squeeze with delight, no matter how painful for a time it may be.
"Here, okay na dito. Close enough na."
'After you.'
He let me go in first, with him assisting me all the time. And as soon as we're seated, he takes my hand back. He placed his palm on top of my hand making it impossible for me to move it away from him.
"I need my hand back, Greggy. I have to pray."
'Can you pray with me holding it?'
"Maybe? But.. can I just really have it back real quick?"
'No. Iba na may hawak sa kamay mo bukas. Hindi na ako, please?'
But you left me too soon. You left me when I wasn't even done loving you. You left me when I still want to try.
"I need it back please."
Reluctantly, he let it go.
***
Even with my eyes closed, I can still feel his gaze.. it's never leaving me. But I am dismissing it for the time being because I really needed to focus for me to pray. As I bow my head, I let the serenity of my surroundings take me in.
Just me and You, Lord. I do not know Your purpose for bringing me into this situation, but may I find peace in knowing that You will deliver me from the uncertainties of this world. May I find it in my heart to accept Patrick for what he is to be, in my life. May I understand the beauty of the ending of Greggy and I's story. I know that there's no use of me hiding it from you because You are the God of knowing, but Lord? I do love Greggy. I still do. With all my heart.
Pacify my fears, my worries. Calm this painful heart of mine from having to say goodbye to the man that I love. I cannot bear to see him hurting and sad, please make him happy. Even if it's no longer because of me. Make him safe, all the time. Cover him with Your blood in all ways. And God? May there be a lifetime of us, maybe in another universe? In a parallel one.. where we do not have to say goodbye. Walk with me tomorrow, guide me for me to be able to surrender it all according to Your will. If it truly is Patrick, I will embrace that life knowing that You are with me. But if there's still a possibility for Greggy and I, just please.. show me a sign. That's all I am asking. Please.
"Amen."
When I open my eyes, Greggy's still staring at me. He wipes away the tears that I didn't even know are falling off of my eyes.
'Hi.'
"Hi"
'Bubboo? If.. three years ago, natuloy yung kasal natin, what would have been your vow?'
"Why?"
'I just wanted to hear it. For the first and last time.'
"Are you going to tell me what's yours?"
'Of course. What would be your vow?'
I smile upon the memory of me writing it down in the middle of the night. Just like the relationship that Greggy and I built together, my vow is flawed, selfish and immature in a way but full of love I ever thought possible.
"You ready?"
'Yes.'
He moves to his left side so he can fully face me. And just like before I prayed, he takes my hand once again. He covered it with his, before he kiss me briefly on my lips.
"I promise to love you even if you are busy. Even if you are picking takeaways more than my own cooking. I promise to give you patience when you needed it, but there's no guarantee that it will be for all time. I promise to meddle with all your phone call meetings by sitting on your lap. I promise to always be so clingy, because I want you with me all the time. I promise to practice on my writing for a nice signature with your name on it. I promise to love you, forever. In all lifetimes there are, in all heartbeats I will be having, in all tears, in all laughters. In all hopes and disappointments, I promise that it will always be you. I promise to never regret you. I love you, Bubboo."
His tears are enough for me to know that it's not just my heart that's breaking right now. It's ours. In another lifetime. In another story. In another world. I swear it will always be you and me.
***
Now my nights would end
With just one wish, that's you
To hold me in the dark
And help me make it through
'Cause the pain that's inside me
Would simply melt away
If I had you here with me
And promise me you'd stay
***
We made it back just before dinner with my very pleased mother waiting for us by the lobby.
'Greggy, Hijo, thank you ha? Hindi ba pasaway tong anak ko?'
'Hindi po. She's nice po.'
'Oh, mag ayos na kayong dalawa, dinner in ten minutes ha? Irene.. don't be late. Ahh.. Greggy? I think sa Hall B yung dinner nyo. Irene? Hall A tayo.'
"Why? Bakit magka hiwalay pa?"
'Kasi nga anak, hindi kayo pwede mag kita ni Patrick. Sige na. Mag ayos ka na. Naghihintay na Daddy mo.'
Mom went back for the dinner while I run after Greggy.
"Bubb!!"
'Oh? Why? Gutom ka na diba? Mag ayos ka na.'
"Can I sleep with you again tonight? I promise to be good-"
'Okay.'
"Okay?"
'Okay. May gusto ka na midnight snacks?'
"Wala. Tea lang siguro."
'Then tea it is.'
I kiss his cheeks before I made my way back to my own room to change for dinner. I can't wait til it's over. Then I can go back for Greggy.
If only for tonight.
***
I excused myself as quickly as I can telling them reason that I needed to rest for tomorrow's event. It's not entirely lie, because I am really tired somehow, but for the most part of me wanting for the dinner to be over? That's because I wanted to be with Greggy again.
When I reached the outside of his room, I hesitated whether to knock or to just leave, after all, he could still be eating with his family. So I just leave to be safe. It will cause quite a stir if other people would see me outside his door.
As I walk further away from Greggy's room, I am slowly feeling defeated. This feeling is too familiar. That's how it felt when I left the marriage hall on what was supposed to be our wedding.
'Rene? Bubboo.. what- wait. Umiiyak ka? Why? Everything okay?'
"Wala ka sa room mo, Greggy ehh! I thought.. just.. I have to go."
'Go where? Sabi mo kanina diba? Let's go na. Nasa room na ako kanina pa. May kinuha lang ako sa lobby.'
"Umalis ka ulit?"
'But not to leave you. Never will I be leaving you again. Halika na po, balik na tayo.'
"Bubboo.."
He's almost dragging me back to his room with how fast he is walking. And I understand why.
People might see us. And that is the least thing that we both want at this time.
'Open it quickly, Bubb..'
And so I did.
What I saw inside stopped me from my tracks.
"Greggy.."
'That's all I could come up with, panget? Sorry.'
"No, no. It's perfect."
***
I don't remember finishing the movie but the monitor is still on when I wake up. I tried to reach for my phone to check what time could it possibly be, but Greggy put my arm back to my side.
"I just want to check the time."
'It's time for you to leave.'
I didn't answer him, I just put my arms around his body and I embrace him the tightest that I can.
'I love you. I love you, Baby. I love you.'
"I know. I know."
'I'll love you forever.'
"How long is that forever of yours?"
'Some three years together, I guess. But enough to last me an eternity without you. I've loved you with all my heart. It may not be enough, but that's all of me, Irene.'
"I love you, Greggy."
'I'll see you later?'
"I will see you later. I'm the one in white."
'Yeah right. You are going to be one heck of a very beautiful bride'
"See you later, Mr. Araneta."
We stood in the middle of the room just hugging each other. This time, knowing that this is going to be the last of all the lasts.
The last time.
***
It's almost four and everyone is set and ready. Mom and Dad will be waiting for me halfway through the altar they set up. It's my request that I be able to walk alone for the half of the procession.
As they busied themselves with the last minute touch ups and changes, I indulge myself with some time to reflect the chapter of my life that's about to end.
This is my goodbye. To the life I promised I will have but didn't got. To the plans I said I will do but failed to do so. To the good and bad memories. I will welcome this new season of my life with great fear and uncertainties but I can only hope... that in the midst of those doubts, heaven will reward me with quiet strength that will carry me through.
And to Greggy, to the man I only loved. Those moments are now my newfound memories Bubboo. Life surprised us with a twist I never imagined possible but in the end, it lead me back to you. I wish to stay with you, til we are gray and old. I wish to hear your stories every time you go home after work. I wish to bear your children and be the mother I always dreamed of. I wish to spend my lifetime loving you, for always. These are my wishes that I hope find its way to the silent corners of your heart.
'Irene? Okay ka na? Ready?'
I can only nod at the coordinator. I'm so in deep thinking that I failed to notice that they've started already.
'On three, start walking. Slowly lang, kagaya ng sa practice ha? And congratulations!'
"Thank you."
I take a deep breath before I take my first step. Everyone's looking at me with smiles on their faces. But my eyes are fixed to the man who's standing at the end of the aisle.
Walk with me, Bubboo. Walk with me.
I closed my eyes for a bit before I play on my head once again the vow he said would be his vow had it been us. This is the only way I know how to get me through this day.
'I promise to love you fiercely kahit makulit ka. I swear on every music sheets you have that you will always have the last bite in all of my foods. I promise to be patient and kind when you're having PMS. I promise to always sleep after you. I'll pick you up in every workshops, every practice and recitals without getting late. I promise that I will make it my life's mission to make you happy everyday of your life. I promise to give you cute little babies that looks exactly like their Daddy. I vow to love you, forever. Habang buhay na ikaw lang at ako, Bubboo. I love you, Irene.'
Mom and Dad joined me just as I reached half of the aisle. Daddy looks so proud while Mommy is crying already. When I reached Patrick, I immediately saw Greggy who's wiping his eyes. For some, it may look like happy tears for his brother, but I know better.
"I love you" I whispered as I reached for a hug.
And I will love you for a thousand years more. If there's one thing that's giving me calm and peace throughout, it is the fact that even if Greggy and I will never be able to go to places, take vacations together, spend midnights watching movies. Even if the dreams that we built for us both are now a fragment of our abandoned future, even if I will never be able to call him whenever I wanted to just to ask him silly questions, there's something that Greggy and I shared that Patrick and I will never have.
I am to giveaway my future for someone else. My present is a piece of me that's torn and broken. But my yesterday? They're happy memories. Marami akong naipon na kahapon na si Greggy at ako lang. Marami akong baon na kahapon na masaya at puno ng pagmamahal. Marami akong dala dala na kahapon na buo at walang kulang dahil kasama ko siya.
They can never have our yesterday, Bubb.
Dahil ang lahat ng kahapon ko, ikaw lang.
***End***