While preparing for her final exams, Juliana stopped wearing makeup. As for clothes, she dragged on whatever was closest to her hand and didn't smell. Since their parents had raised them on hot chocolate, she and Val couldn't stomach coffee, so Juliana drank chai tea with three spoons of sugar to keep her energy flowing. Her Indian acquaintance, Shivi, short for Shivendra, would laugh and say that saying chai tea was the equivalent of saying 'tea-tea', but Juliana didn't care.
She sat on the ground, a blanket draped on her lap, as she reviewed her Geography notes. A cup of chai tea waited near her hand. Ice rain tapped the window, and she knew the sidewalks would be slippery within a few hours. Val had left early in the morning; she had scored a gig with an alternative pop group she sometimes filled in as a pianist for. They had a show later that day, so they were practicing.
Juliana sat alone.
Usually, Val would leave her some scrambled eggs or a few slices of French Toast, but Val had been in a rush that morning, so she had simply run out without cooking anything.
Juliana thought of having cereal, but her competitive spirit kicked in, and she got lost in memorizing the main exports of five African countries and taking note of the challenges that prevented them from raising their GDP. The TV played in the background; Juliana didn't watch it, but it kept her loneliness at bay.
Juliana took a break and went to the gym at noon; she worked out for an hour, which proved to be a mistake.
Her stomach squeezed in pain, and she felt a fierce hunger that made her think of eating a table of food. Sweat dripped down her toned abdomen as she picked up the water bottle she had placed in the stationary bike's holder. She paused by a rowing machine; it was something a senior had taught her to use as a freshman and she had fallen in love with. It was fun and burnt a lot of calories. Half an hour more wouldn't hurt. So, she sat on the sliding bench and strapped her feet into their anchors.
Half an hour passed while she pushed and pulled. Her cropped black hoodie grew soaked; her stomach and head hurt, and she felt so tired after exercising she dropped on the rubber mats lining the floor and lay on her back, waiting till she felt a bit sturdier to leave. A boy with bronze hair was playing with a dumbbell while watching her. He smiled. She took out her phone and pretended to be busy texting someone, so he wouldn't bother her.
In reality, she was simply punching random letters onto her notepad app. She stood, and the room spun. She leaned against the wall and tried to appear normal and not dizzy, which only caused a headache. Juliana sat again, closed her eyes, and waited for her heart to calm down. Eventually, she felt stronger and cleaned the handles of the rowing machine with some antiseptic wipes she had found on a wooden table.
The boy made his way over to her. He was handsome, having a lean, rugged face; a light scattering of brown hair covered his jaw. "Hey, do you want to grab lunch or something?"
"I'm not hungry."
Her stomach whined in protest, and her face warmed. "What I meant," she continued, "is I prefer to eat alone."
"Alright. Could you at least tell me your name?"
"Oh, I don't have a name."
He chuckled. "Come on...."
"My parents didn't know what to name me, so they left that line blank. Everyone calls me 'Blank'. You can call me that too if you want." Juliana hated giving out her name to strangers; it often led to them stalking her social media profiles and lashing out when she didn't respond.
The boy smiled. "Alright, then, I'll see you around, Blank."
"Enjoy your lunch," Juliana said, then quickly fled the room, carrying her heavy bottle.
***
When Juliana returned to her apartment, she found Naomi inside. Delicious smells came from the frying pan, so Juliana locked the door, padded over to the stove, and stood quietly behind Naomi, who still hadn't noticed her. Juliana watched over Naomi's shoulder as the girl made an omelette filled with Juliana's favourites; chopped red peppers, onions, and shredded cheese. "Val isn't here."
Naomi jumped nearly a foot and landed with a thud. She placed her hand on her chest and exhaled shakily. "Holy shit. Why did you sneak up on me like that?" Naomi took out a set of black earbuds from her ears and placed them in their case on their counter.
Juliana muttered, "Habit, I guess. Your girlfriend left this morning and won't be back till eleven—later if they drink after performing."
Naomi sighed. "I know; Val asked me to make something for you. She worries that you'll get so into studying you'll forget to feed yourself. But I had to wait for my lunch break before leaving the café. Did you have breakfast?"
"I planned to, but I forgot."
"You know you should eat proper meals, or you'll screw up your metabolism."
"I had tea."
"Last I checked, that wasn't food."
Juliana hummed softly. Colourful splatters ruined the sleeves of Naomi's white blouse. Her love handles spilled over the sides of her tight high-waisted jeans. Juliana poked Naomi's left side. It was soft and squishy. She understood why Val liked playing with it so much. Before she could poke it again, Naomi grabbed her finger. "Please don't. Sit." She pointed at the tall chairs gathered around a bar table in the corner. Juliana obliged; she wasn't one to argue with someone making food.
"You know you and Val are different but also very similar."
"If that's the case, I would prefer if you didn't fall in love with me; I wouldn't be able to love you back."
Naomi chuckled, lifted the finished omelette from the pot and deposited it onto a white plate. "Jalapeno cheese bagel?"
"If you would be so kind."
Naomi found a bag of bagels in the freezer and placed one, separated into halves, in the microwave. A few tendrils of auburn hair escaped Naomi's messy bun and curled near her neck. A black apron kept most of the mess that came with cooking away from her. Naomi sat on the edge of the counter, watching Juliana with faint curiosity while the microwave counted down. "Have you ever liked someone?"
"Me?"
"Unless there's a ghost with us, yes, you. I don't remember seeing you date anyone...."
Juliana flipped through her memories. She liked studying and sports; they came easily to her. She liked friendships, but on a superficial level. Juliana never shared her innermost thoughts and desires with anyone. Perhaps that was why all her friends eventually abandoned her. A bright smile filled her mind. Long orange hair framed the smiling girl's broad face. The sunlight caught in the girl's eyes—her kiss was the first and last time Juliana had felt something.
Before that, Juliana's heart had been like an empty well. She supposed she had the capacity to fill it with emotions but never had any reason to. But that night, after prom, a small bucket of water had been added to it, and Juliana had thought, 'So this is what it feels like to be attracted to someone.' But the water dried out quickly, and Juliana was left staring at the empty bottom, wondering if that fleeting feeling had been real or imaginary.
"I don't know," Juliana admitted. "Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone... to love them, but then I think of all I want to accomplish, and I don't see where another person fits in all that. And sometimes, I don't really understand it, you know? What is love? What does it feel like, and why's everyone obsessed with it? And why am I different for not feeling the same way?"
When Juliana was younger and her friends talked about their crushes, she always spat out whatever random name came to her mind first to avoid feeling left out. But she had never felt anything for anyone that lasted more than a second. She bowed her head.
The microwave dinged, and Naomi removed the halves and placed them near the omelette. "Butter?"
Juliana shook her head and accepted the meal once Naomi brought it over to her. She took a bite of the egg. "Your omelettes are a thousand times better than whatever Val makes."
Naomi smiled. "I have known you for almost as long as I have known Val, and you have always had this barrier up that prevented people from getting close to you. And since I never knew how to get past it, I sort of left it alone, but now I guess, I don't know, I want us to get along, and I want to know more about you."
"There's not much to know about me; I'm just like everyone else."
"I disagree." Naomi sat down and groaned. "God, my feet hurt so much after standing all the time."
"Do you enjoy it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your café. Do you like having your own business?"
"Yeah; honestly, studying wasn't for me. But I like challenges. I was hesitant to drop out of college, but I couldn't help feeling like I was wasting my time. I wanted to feel free and in charge of my life. I wanted to be doing something. I was so sick of opening a textbook and memorizing it; I wanted to use my hands and the rest of my body to create something, so one day, I just left, and I don't regret it."
"Not even one letter?" Juliana asked, quoting one of her favourite movies, where someone had gotten a tattoo of the word 'ragret' instead of 'regret'.
"Not one." Naomi laughed softly, and Juliana felt a slight change in their relationship. Val didn't have to be there for them to talk. Small roots of trust were starting to form between them. 'Maybe one day I'll tell her about Sophie, and she may be able to help sort out these complicated feelings of mine. I want to see Sophie again, but I don't know why I feel that way. She left me; I shouldn't pursue her. My existence had been so unimportant that she had vanished without any hesitation. But I guess the reason why I keep thinking about her is I can't move until I find out she left.'
***