it is contagious, my fear and your pain - saint sister, "corpses"
Harris
It wasn't that I'd never noticed Sebastian Krause before. It's hard not to—he's more like a bird than a boy, with gangly, delicate limbs and a face that pinches in a little too sharply. He's a pale thing too, covered in freckles and moles, contrasted with the darkest, blackest hair you've ever seen. It's all messy curls, jutting about his head every which way, giving him this strange mad scientist look that I'd stare at from the back of classrooms. Always looking, never touching.
But the first time I saw Seb—really, truly saw him—it wasn't because of crazy hair or paperweight limbs or a constellation of freckles. It was because he thought he could fly.
It's the first real weekend of the summer, a warm Saturday in West Denton, Minnesota, but not so warm that the water of Lake Franz isn't bound to be freezing to the touch. Most of us mill around the water's edges, passing around whatever alcohol we'd each brought for tonight. Denton is a small town, full of faces I've known my entire life. We're a small graduating class, too—just a little over a hundred or so students. So being here, right after tossing our caps up and getting rid of out of town relatives, feels sacred somehow. This. This is my last summer with these people. And then it's off to ... who even knows what.
Lake Franz isn't too far from the Wetspring Quarry; the quarry's sides are massive hills, secluding the supposedly toxic waters from the rest of the surrounding wildlife. The side closest to the lake juts out onto a stable enough overhang, and that's where I see him standing—his hands raising slowly in an arc above his head, reaching for each other while he tilts his head back, exalting in the balmy twilight air.
Next to me, Liam passes me his already lit cigarette. I hate the menthol kinds he smokes, their slightly minty taste and the consequential aftertaste, but I'm not going to say no to his offering. I inhale the minty smoke, feeling the familiar burn in my chest and the immediate light-headed buzz in my skull. The chill calm that sweeps through my body. I've tried quitting smoking a few times, just like I've tried quitting Liam. I keep going back to both.
"Is that Sebastian Krause?" Liam asks, as though it could be anyone else. Above us, Sebastian's flat chest rises and falls slowly but surely, his lungs expanding inside his ribcage more than I would have thought possible for his slender frame.
I take another puff, then pass the cigarette back, wishing I had my own, and that mine wasn't menthol. "I do believe it is."
"You think he's gonna jump?"
"Well if he does, let's hope he doesn't die. I'm too broke for therapy."
In front of us, a girl with bright blue-dyed highlights whirls around and glares at us. "Shut up, Harris," she snaps at me.
Damn. I didn't see her standing there. I spent all of high school being ignored by Saanvi thanks to her and Liam's constant feuding, but I don't like fucking with people. I'm not Liam. "Sorry, Saanvi. I'm sure your pet giraffe will be fine."
"Maybe he's finally had enough of you," Liam offers, smirking. "If I had to talk to you regularly, God knows I'd have jumped off a cliff a long fucking time ago."
"Oh, go fuck yourself," Saanvi says, and turns back around to watch her best friend as he lingers on the cliff's edge. For a second, I legitimately believe that she's unbothered, until I notice her hands resting on her waist, Wonder Woman posing through her worry. That's a perk of a small town, I think—you know people better than either of you think you do. And Saanvi Gaddam is on edge.
Off to the side, Liam is already disinterested, scrolling through his phone, cigarette burning free in his other hand. The scent of burning paper and tobacco mingles with the natural smells of the lake; the algae resting atop the clear water's surface near the reeds, the bonfires lit up on the wet gravel around the lakeside, the faint smell of spilled alcohol.
People begin noticing Sebastian, his hands still raised above his head.
"I wish he'd stop doing yoga and just jump already if he's gonna," Liam mutters next to me, and I pointedly ignore the comment. Sebastian's hair rustles in the breeze, and he takes one barefooted step forward, toward the cliff's edge.
This is very out of character for Sebastian Krause.
Another foot forward. I see Saanvi suck in a breath.
I don't know why I do it.
Before I can fully comprehend what I'm doing, my legs are moving of their own accord, bolting around the lake's edge. My steps crunch in the gravel, until my flip flops soar off my feet. The bare soles of my feet scrabble to find purchase for a moment. I'm definitely a little bit drunk. Bile pushes up in the back of my throat. I don't quite know what I'm doing, I just know I'm doing it.
The gravel soon lets up to a grassy knoll. It's just as bad as the gravel, but I can't stop, and I can't tear my eyes off Sebastian. His lithe form is now at the cliff's edge, and I can hear our schoolmates—former schoolmates—egging him on, a drunken cacophony begging to see the fragile boy jump.
I'm right behind him. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to tackle him, to get him away from that cliff's edge. If I tackle him charging at him like I am now, we'll both fall. I slow down so I can grab him without sending us both toppling.
"Sebastian!"
Sebastian doesn't turn.
Just jumps.
Saanvi's scream fills my ears.
I get a running start and follow Sebastian off the cliff's edge.
The sound of everyone's mad cheering is distorted by the whooshing of air in my ears. My body crashes into the freezing cold water. The breath spills out of my lungs, and I have to force myself not to suck in any of the clear, deep blue lake water.
I surge to the surface, my shirt rising up to the top of the waves. Luckily this cold water is sobering. I scan the water for Sebastian.
It takes a few seconds. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I should have taken that free lifeguard training offered by our school, I just never thought to. I can hear my heartbeat thudding in my ears, accompanied by the nervous chitter chatter of the kids lining the shore.
Finally, Sebastian's head breaks the surface, and he splashes around, wild, slender arms turning up the lake water. He gasps in a large breath and coughs out the water that accompanied it.
"Are you okay?" I shout, swimming over to him. My head feels somewhat detached to my body; I'm just so cold, yet I don't really feel it. Probably adrenaline.
Sebastian's gaze swivels. He seems to finally focus on me. "You jumped with me?"
I'm in front of him now, treading water and trying not to shiver. "Yeah."
"Fuck. Okay."
I'm realizing now that I didn't need to follow him. Which is awesome. I soaked through my clothes and embarrassed myself, and probably made an ass of the both of us—but more so me. Fantastic. And awkward as hell. Way to go, Harris. Way to fucking go.
"I'm going back to the shore," I say and begin slicing through the water freestyle, back to the already disinterested crowd gathered there.
"Wait, wait." Sebastian catches up with me. He's taller than I am, like an overgrown willow tree. "Thanks for following. I ... wouldn't have expected anyone here to do that."
"Don't mention it." Then I submerge my head completely underwater and make my way slowly toward the gravel-laden bank.
I'm picking myself up out of the water, perked up by the sudden all-encompassing cold, when someone tosses a towel over my shoulder. I don't know why I expected to see Liam, but I'm surprised when I see Saanvi there, holding another towel. Before I can ask her where she got this and why she has so many towels, she says, "Thanks, McCammon."
I wrap the towel around my shoulders, teeth chattering. "No problem, Gaddam."
She gives me a slight smile—something far more vulnerable from her than I'm used to. Saanvi and I don't hate each other, but she and Liam do, and I'm pretty Liam-aligned socially. We're those people that are practically joined at the hip, for better or for worse, just like Saanvi and Sebastian.
"Really," she says. She's never smiled at me before. Or spoken to me, for that matter. "I mean it."
Sebastian sloshes out of the water behind me, and Saanvi is on him in seconds, rubbing his hair with the towel and chewing him out. "You're so fucking stupid. Why the fuck would you do that? I want to murder you. I am going to murder you. Actual. Murder." With how he towers over her, it's kind of like Bilbo reaming out Gandalf.
I glance around. Liam is gone, nowhere to be seen.
"Well," I say, "this has been fun, but I need to go home."
"You aren't driving, are you?" Saanvi asks.
I wave her off. "I'll be fine. I only had a couple drinks. And that water was cold as fuck."
"Yeah, you had a couple more-than-shots of tequila. The fuck, Harris."
With the towel draped over my shoulders, my hands are free to zhuzh up my hair. It's all wet and stringy right now, and I'm sure that it looks a lot more brunet than blond. It's going to dry all crazy, I know. "I feel like jumping in freezing water sobered me up quite a bit."
Saanvi looks up at Sebastian—whom she is still drying off—with this can you believe this, HELP ME face. "Where's Liam? Has he been drinking?"
I shrug. "He's definitely not sober, but I don't know where he is." I was planning on catching a ride anyways. Going home with Liam always winds up in stupid drunk shit, the kind I have absolutely zero patience for after jumping into a stupid freaking lake.
She tosses the towel at Sebastian, who accepts it without second thought and keeps on wiping himself down. "I'll take you home. Sebastian and I should get going, anyway."
I want to argue with her, but the cold has seeped into my bones. With the slight breeze currently going, I feel like I might freeze to death. Behind Sebastian, students begin cheering and jumping into the freezing water, each in varying states of undress.
Before I can tell Saanvi to mind her own Gaddam business, Sebastian cuts me off. "He lives closer to me. I'll take him."
"What, so he can drive, but I can't?"
"I'm sober," Sebastian says.
"You just jumped off a cliff," I point out.
"Doesn't mean I'm incapable of driving."
"I feel like an incapable person might jump off cliffs. Just maybe."
Sebastian turns to his best friend, sculpted eyebrows raised. "Saanvi?"
Saanvi bites her lip. "I mean ... are you sure you're okay to drive yourself, Seb?"
"Yeah," he says calmly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it'll be okay. I'm good."
She sighs. "Fine, you can take him. But you need to text me when you get home safe. And take a warm shower please. And get a good night's sleep."
"I will, I promise," Sebastian says, leaning down and hugging Saanvi. Being at well over a foot shorter than him, Saanvi reaches up on tip-toe and hugs him back.
Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel starts blasting, and Saanvi reaches into her back jeans pocket for her phone. "Fuck, it's my mom," she says. "I really gotta get going."
She answers the phone and says something in a language I don't recognize. Sebastian waves as Saanvi speed walks away from us, nearly stumbling over gravel while she speaks rapid-fire not-English.
I turn to Sebastian. He's staring down at me with those hauntingly piercing brown eyes. Have they always been so light? Or is it a mix of the fading light and the lingering madness from his little jump?
"Are you sure you're okay?" I ask.
"I'm fine. Really."
"Why'd you jump, dude?" No one is paying any attention to us, somehow. They're all too busy trying to play chicken in the lake. With all the plants and algae on the lake floor, though, they're having some difficulty. Everyone is either slipping and landing face-first in the water, or they're screeching from the cold. I can only imagine the frigid squelching between their toes. I hate Lake Franz with a passion, honestly.
Sebastian looks out at the lake. He has one of those jaws that's so pointed that it's just a straight line that curves ever so slightly at the end, with cheekbones so sharp that it's almost as if he had buccal fat removal.
"I don't know," he says, and I realize I'm staring at the mole that's right below where his jaw hinges. He really is nice to look at, in a high-fashion, alien kind of way. "I just felt like it."
I wait for him to say something else. He doesn't offer me anything more.
"If you really are giving me a ride, let's just get going," I say, chucking my towel at him.
"What about your car?"
I wave him off. "It's Liam's. He'll find a ride."
"You're sure?"
"He's Liam."
"Yeah, okay."
I follow Sebastian out toward the treeline, which obscures most of the gravel parking lot. He heads right toward the giant Dodge truck, parked right next to the fish fileting/descaling hut. It smells like fish and algae. I hate this lake.
Sebastian tosses our towels into the uncovered truck bed. "Hold up," I say. "This is yours?"
"I like trucks," Sebastian says, in a way that would be gruff if he weren't so pretty.
"Huh. You struck me as more of a Subaru guy."
He looks at me, and it's as if my blood chills in my veins. That look. That face. What planet is he from? "Not all gay Midwesterners drive Subarus." And he walks around to the driver's side, hopping inside with habitual ease.
I stand there, then jerk open the passenger door. I don't get in, just cock my head and say, "You're gay?"
"Uhhhh," he says, "yeah? We kissed once, dude."
Well.
I most definitely do not remember that.
A/N - hi my name is olivia and i guess i am a masochist!!!
okay buh-bye now!!!!!!!!!!