I remember it so well. Malamig, tumataas ang mga balahibo ko sa katawan pero nanatili akong nakaupo para pag masdan s'ya at damayan. She was completely devastated. Amoy na amoy ang matapang na alak na nanggagaling sa bawat pag buntong hininga n'ya, namumula na din ang tenga at ang mga pisngi habang nililipad ng hangin ang mga hibla ng buhok sa iba't ibang direksyon.
Nagkalat ang mga walang laman na wrap ng chichiria na ako lang ata ang nakaubos. Yung mga tig pi-piso lang ay hindi ko na nalagay sa basurahan kaya't hinahangin na din palayo sa Seven Eleven na tinambayan namin at umiikot ikot na sa kalsada dulot ng malakas na humpay ng hangin. S'ya naman ay nakatungga na ng ilang boteng San Miguel beer. Hindi ko na nga alam pa'no pa s'ya bibitbitin paangkas sa motor ko at nakakatakot na parang makakatulog s'ya at mahuhulog.
She's devastated, she's drunk. Her eyes muttering a lot of inaudible noises as if she's chanting a murderous crime. Pero sa kabila ng lahat lahat, nanatili ang ganda at postura. And I was still processing how it became like this, how for the very first time, our moment to be alone with each other happened. Hindi ko inaasahan ang tawag n'ya, at hindi ko din inaasahan na agad akong mag re-responde. I don't know anymore.
She smiled and asked just after her fifth beer, "Okay ka lang ba d'yan?"
Would it be a corny statement to admit I'm alright but my heart isn't?
"Ikaw... Okay ka lang?" I said trying to be cautious. It's always like this, me trying to think hard of what to say, to be vigilant with my words. Para kasi s'yang bagay na kahit alam mong matatag, ayaw na ayaw mong mabasag o masira ng basta basta nalang.
Tinawanan n'ya ang tanong ko, ang laki ng bunganga kung humalakhak pero ang hinhin ng mga tinig at halinghing. I tried so hard to not stare that much, I failed.
"Okay lang naman. Okay pa naman. Okay lang naman na hindi ka makapasok sa university na gustong gusto mong mapasukan habang yung mga kaibigan mo naman ang nakakuha... Okay pa naman ako Rence, yung feel na feel mo na ang bobo mo, ang pangit mo, ang hirap mong nilalang all at once. Ahaaaym so paken fine." She said, ranting, with a mixture of drunkenness.
Sa pag ka tanga ko, napatitig na lang din ako sakan'ya. Trying to mix the right words for her to loosen up, some words to lessen the pain, to make atleast some of the things alright.
"Alam yung feeling na ginawa mo naman lahat? Bata palang ako, ang rami ko ng pangarap. Alam ko I was set to soar high kasi putangina be, alam ko namang ginawa ko lahat, deserve ko lahat. Until, ayun, sinapak ako ng reality. Ginising ako doon sa "thought" na you're not that special girl, you're not that smart, you're not even an inch good! Sa'ming mag kakapatid ako pinaka lowest sa lahat, pati sa mag babarkada ako yung parang, andon lang, walang impact yung presence! Putangina Rence pati ba naman sa exam, sa pag college, left out ako?" She said. Whispering but in a violent harsh way. Breaking the silence around us completely.
Ngayon ay hindi nalang tenga, ni pisngi ang namumula kundi ang kanyang ilong. Kanina pa basa ang mga pilikmata n'ya na nakapadagdag sa pamumungay ng kanyang mata. I want to wipe that tears, I want to pull her in my embrace but at the same time, I want to convince her that I only see her... platonically.
"Ahh! What should I do?" She said, bursting kaya nagulat pa ako. Hindi ko din kasi alam ano ang gagawin n'ya.
Hindi s'ya nakapasa sa tanging university na in-apply-an n'ya. Do or die kasi s'yang tao. All in. Iyong unibersidad na yun o mamatay nalang. And at the same time, I saw her really studied hard for the exam, so she was confident. But confidence and hardwork sometimes won't put up a good fight with the bad cicumstances, more often, it crushes you more, knowing, you worked hard more than anyone, but still, hindi mo pa din nakuha.
She cried again once more, I don't know how many times she cried this night. And the thing that makes my heart hurt so good, is because no one actually saw her shed a tear. Only me. Not even her family.
After crying, matutulala s'ya. It's either sa pagkain, sa bote, o sa'kin. Ngayon, nakatutok ang mata sa muka ko, iniiwasan kong hindi umiwas tingin but the way she stares at me, eyes pinching, and a little giggle flowing from her mouth makes my cheeks heated stopping myself from smiling.
"Ang gwapo mo pala." She said.
"Okay na pala ko mabagsak, atleast may gwapong kasama diba?" Another statement followed when I didn't reply.
"Pogi, pakiss nga."
I sighed and wanted to slap her cheeks lightly. Ganito kasi s'ya pag nalalasing, humaharot bigla. Kaya kung ganitong may gusto ka sakan'ya, parang mas malalasing ka sa amats n'ya.
I tapped her forehead. "Umayos ka nga."
"Pero seryoso Rence... ba't ako nasasaktan? Ayoko ng ganito. Dapat masaya ako para kay Pat at Ven... dapat sumama ako sa celebrations nila..."
"Thalia. No. No. Hindi sa lahat ng oras na hindi mo ginawang priority ang iba ay ikakaguilty mo na. You need some time for yourself. They're aware how much you want to study in that university. And if you're so disappointed go, feel the pain. There's nothing wrong taking care of yourself sometimes. Dapat nga in the first place hindi sila gumawa ng party knowing na hindi ka naman masaya. That's so insensitive of them."
"Pero I don't have to force them in my misery naman." She pout just after she breathed out an alcohol right in my face.
"The same way you don't have to force yourself to be happy for them when you don't."
She sighed more deeply, her hands resting at the side of her face then with a chinky smile, she pouted her lips like a duck. "Pakiss nga ulit."
"Muka mo."
"Ay, ayaw mo ng kiss ko?"
Gusto. "I-uuwi na kita."
"Eh, hindi ka nga uminom eh!"
"Gusto mo ng maaksidente? Sige, ako uubos n'yan."
"Talaga?"
"Tanga ka."
"Sakit mo naman mag salita!"
I laughed hard and pinch her cheeks. "Love you."
Hindi na s'ya sumagot pa at nag patuloy nalang sa pag lagok ng beer. I scrolled on my phone, mindlessly at Facebook. Ganito naman s'ya pag may problema. She just needs someone to see her suffer, that comforts her knowing someone cares, and someone's there. Minsan nga, kapag wala talagang available, pusa nalang nila aalukin n'yang tignan lang s'ya.
Sometimes, it's enough to know you're not alone.
"Rence, ano nalang gagawin ko?" She asked.
"You should..." I pause. Hindi ko din naman alam talaga kung anong magandang gawin. Pero just like in my case... "Try to slowly move on. Tapos bigyan mo ng solusyon yung naging problema mo."
"Saan nalang ako mag a-apply?"
"Sumabay ka na kaya sa'kin?"
"Maganda ba sa school n'yo?"
"Maraming chix." I said and giggle.
"Walang hiya."
Nagpatuloy lang ang tawa ko. "Seriously though, Tal, why not? Sometimes we have to let go of the things that aren't meant for us. And it's alright. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na hindi ka nakapasok ibig sabihin hindi ka na matalino-"
"Technically oo, kasi ibig sabihin noon hindi ako qualified!"
"Then make yourself qualify. I know you can make it."
"You do?" She asked, namumungay ang mga mata.
I nodded. "I do." Ikakasal na ba tayo?
Tumingin ako sa wallpaper ng phone ko, black horse and a white bg, habang ang orasan naman nakapihit na sa pa alas onse. "Tara na, umuwi ka na."
"Di mo ko ihahatid?"
"Kaya mo na sarili mo."
Of course I was just joking. Never in my life I would let her go in her own. Lasing at gabi? Not a good thought.
"Para kang mahuhulog." I commented. Ang luwag ng pag kakakapit n'ya sa'kin, parang isang ihip lang ng hangin at matatangay na s'ya.
"Kaya ko. Si Thalia Suarez to ano ka ba."
Kaya naman nga n'ya. That's what she always say when a circumstance is challenging her to become more tough. Ang gagawin n'ya ay magtatago ng kaunting panahon, getting herself ready, and will come back challenging the challenge itself. She's always that beautiful.
We're stepping now on their front step. Sarado ang mga ilaw, may mga kumukuliglig sa kung saan, walang liwanag ang buwan kahit ni isang bitiun sa kalangitan. The wind is especially more cold, my hair strand stood up. I looked at her, and just when I notice she's also looking at me, intently.
"Gwapo ko no?"
"Can I ask a question?" she said. Medyo hindi ko pa naintindihan sa sobrang hina ng boses n'ya, dagdag pa ang alak sa sistema n'ya that makes her voice drowsy and unrecognizeable.
"Ano?"
"Why did you disappear?"
"What do you mean? Uy, never kitang tinaguan." I said trying to lighten up the mood.
"No! You did."
"Thalia, pumasok ka na." I indulge. No. Ayokong mahalungkat ang nangyari noon. It's not supposed to be that way.
"Walang tao sa bahay." She muttered almost a whisper. "I'll enter if you answer my question first, properly."
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." She said when I didn't said anything at all.
Namutawi ang katahimikan. It's a silence that needs to be broken, maybe it's now or never, or maybe this will be the worst decision I would probably regret. I never imagine this night will be like this. A confrontation seat. And sometimes we have to turn some things around.
"Ba't di mo naantay? Or do I even have the right-"
I leaned on her making her pressed against the doorknob, her scent of a mixture of the beer, her perfume, and her clothes, lingers in my nose as my face became near, I tried to whisper but I cannot mutter any strength to say anything, or to confess.
Sometimes, words are so powerful that hearing it through your own ears fears you.
My lips don't have sound, so I did the best idea I could make.
To kiss her, something I've been longing to do. Once I did, she didn't move anything, I could taste the beer from my mouth as I grabbed her face sideways, until something wet pressed in my cheeks. Tears. Hihinto na sana ako, a kiss made her tear up... but then after that tears, she responded to my kisses. I don't know if that droplets of water is longing or pain but all I know is our hunger turned into a pit hole that could never be satisfied. I heard a door unlock, and the next thing we're inside still kissing, dark, and I was the one to close the door.
She grabbed my collar and unbutton the first three button. My lips reaches the hemline of her neck then came back to her lips. Our sigh became rigid, breathless but still clashing our lips. Her hands slowly damping on my body, on my abdomine, on my stomach, making me gasp through our kissess.
"Right door." She whispered with a rasp breath as I kissed her cheeks, her lips, her neck, cannot stop myself from giving her unwanted marks.
The drops of water I can hear outside, the wind became more colder as it even reaches the inside of their home. It's raining hard, embracing us with our mood.
The door in her room became unlock, my sight became hazy with the open orange light of her lamp and her naked body as she stripped off everything while standing in front of me and I could no longer go more crazy. I would reach her until the pocket of my pants vibrated and I took a quick peek on the screen of my phone, all while my breath still ragged. Upon thinking for a second, I tossed it aside with my pants and grabbed her face, pressing her body against mine, reaching euphoria.
It was just a call.
From my girlfriend, Monica.
A/N:
Future short novel!!