✿ ✿ ✿
"Why?" I cried into the two pairs of arms wrapped around me, "Why me?" I questioned, the pain of it all settling deep within my heart, spreading through my whole system making me sob louder and my body shaking along with it, with each sad sound I let out. I couldn't hold it in and wasn't planning to hold in this pain of knowing my life isn't the same anymore, that pain of knowing that my health is at risk, and if I don't defeat this disease, I could die.
That thought alone made me cry even harder.
I understand their silence in this because what words do they want to utter that will set my mind at ease, that will make me feel calm. So just their touches, back pats and firm hold around me was enough, those gestures were enough to console me. To make me feel like I'm not alone, to make me feel that even as bad as it is, I still have them by my side.
The lights of my life.
And I hope they once again shine through my new darkened pathway.
"Let it all out Hazel, let it out. We are all here for you. Just let it out." Jimin's soothing voice rasped to me.
And I did, I followed his words and let out my pain in from of the salty water that is unrelentingly leaking from my tear ducts. I was shaking and hiccuping through my sobs, I held on tight to the arms around me, soaking their clothes with my tears. I was a complete mess of pain.
By the time my crying ceased, feeling some of the pain within me alleviated due to my moment of breakdown, my voice was hoarse as I tried to talk, my eyes were sore due to the amount of the tears they released, my body felt light as if I had not eaten for days but thinking of it, I have only had minimal amount of food in the span of days I've spent in the hospital.
"How are you feeling now, Angel?" Jin asked me, his fingers brushing through my dark curls.
"Slightly better, the crying helped. I needed it." I answered gruffly.
"Here, drink this." Guk gave me a bottled water. "Thanks Guk." I managed a small smile.
"Wanna talk about it, or your feelings, anything?" Namjoon say to me, pulling his chair closer to me, everyone gathered around me, giving me space yet close. Some sitting beside me on the bed and others on the chairs in front of me.
"I'm scared..." I answer, my eyes on my fiddling fingers. They said nothing which I believe was a cue for me to continue talking.
"I've always been scared of cancer and it's one of the reasons I decided to study it, to help people who are just like me that eventually get a disease they didn't bargain for. I want to stay strong, to believe that science is much evolved to tackle it but I can't help but feel that fear for the what if."
I breathed a sigh.
"What if I don't survive it? What if I'm not strong enough to battle it? What if something goes wrong in the whole chemotherapy process? What if my body don't respond well to the meds? What if the cancer is spreading too fast? So many questions yet I don't have any answer because there is no much assurance in this and right now...hope is a bit far from me."
I puffed out a breath.
"That's how I feel right now. The uncertainty, the fear, and lack of hope." I finish, lifting my head to gaze at them.
"Ione dear, these feelings, this fear, this uncertainty, everything you're feeling right now is valid. No one will hear such news about their life and not feel this way or even worse. And you're allowed to feel it because it is only when you go through this phase can you be ready for the next phase which is staying strong and fighting it." Yoongi says to me in a soft tone, his words tenderly caressing my heart.
"Hyung is right and like Doctor Geum said, a good support system will lighten it and you know we are here for you and going to be here for you every step of the way. If you're sick, we're sick too. We're all affected so don't even worry too much because once your treatment starts, we'll fight it together until we reach that finish line with a grand smile on our faces." Taehyung says, adding to the warmth that is emanating from them.
"Yes love, we are going to defeat this cancer. Together." Hobi says so firmly, his words hugging me wholly.
A smile break out from my face as I stare at them, the hope dancing in their eyes reignited the spark of hope in me, the soft gazes and smiling faces made me feel so warm and loved.
"I love you all, so much." I say with so much certainty, with so much firmness and with so much love that I feel for all seven of them.
"We love you too, Noona. You are precious to us and we'll be with you all through." Guk says to me, his bunny smile on display, the smile that always makes butterflies dance ballet in my stomach, the smile that warms my heart and now that same smile was giving me hope.
The hope that was far from me now close, slowly enveloping me and making new feelings settle deep within me, chasing away the sad and bad ones.
"Don't overwhelm yourself with too much thoughts, you'll go through it as it comes so for now just focus on preparing your mind for the first stage of your chemotherapy starting tomorrow and from there, we'll be tackling whatever comes along the way." Namjoon says to me, grabbing both my hands into his large ones and kissed them.
The way his lips connected to my skin made me feel tingles spread throughout my system. I lock gaze with him and express my love for him with my eyes and the smile gracing my lips.
"I want to kiss you." He tells me.
"Kiss me." I answer sweetly.
"Good cos I would have kissed you anyway." His reply made me giggle but the sound was quickly muffled as his lips crashed on my mine and he softly nibbled on my lips in which I returned the sensual gesture. His hands squeezing mine tight in his hold as he kept on kissing me.
This was enough to heal.
Pulling away from the kiss, he pecked my hands again and muttered, "I love you my strong woman."
"I love you Joonie." I say back.
"Do you want us to order dinner or go home and cook you something yummy and amazing?" Jin questioned, smiling at me.
"I want you all here so let's order something yummy." I reply.
"Great!" Jimin cheered.
And that's how the evening went, they allowed me to express myself whenever I felt the need to say something that was suddenly bothering such as the side effects of chemotherapy. We enjoyed the ordered dinner that consisted various dishes, I was happy that I had the appetite to eat a good portion of it, it also gave me energy. We chatted and joked, amongst the joke I remembered Tae's wish of me being pregnant which I definitely prefer to having cancer but life sucks. And I'm stuck with it.
They made me laugh so much, doing silly dances and even bringing up memories of our fun time, they made me feel so relaxed and ready for tomorrow.
They made a bad day a bearable day.
I'm so happy to have them in my life.
๑˙❥˙๑
The morning came so fast with sun rays blaring into the room as cool breeze blow the thin curtains making the sun light reflect on the wooden floor. Their managers brought them new tooth brushes and tooth paste so they could at least brush their teeths as washing up and changing clothes isn't so possible now.
I also changed into something new, majorly a sweat pants and a hoodie, both in grey colours and my hair was packed up, my freckles all on display. When I looked into the mirror I imagined how much weight I'll lose as I already have a thin face, I wasn't one to feel insecure about my features and shape but I couldn't fight the feeling at the moment. I wonder what this cancer will change my body to.
A knock sound came through before the door was pushed open and Doctor Geum with both Prisha and Hana walked in, Prisha was pushing a wheelchair, Hana was holding a big folder which I guess is mine and Doctor Geum was bare handed.
"Good morning everyone." He greeted us and we all swiftly exchanged a proper morning greeting.
"Have you had breakfast?" Doctor Geum questioned. "Yes, if Donuts and orange juice counts." I answered.
"Yes, it does." He chuckled. "So, we'll be moving you to the Haematology wing now, it's also a private room and your assigned nurses will change, Hana will stay as she has knowledge of oncology but Prisha can't so today will be the last time she will be attending to you." That made me sad, Prisha and I were getting closer, she gave me good vibes and all. But I understand and I hope Hana and I can at least be cool with each other, I'm okay with her but not just all the way. Just a feeling.
"Okay." I reply, shooting Prisha a small smile, at least we can still chat and call.
"You'll have two more nurses that are knowledgeable in haematology but we wanted to keep a known face that's why Hana is staying." He explained further.
"Okay." I nodded.
"Alright, let's go. When we get there, I will be explaining all about your dose plan to you." He tells me and I nodded.
Prisha pushed the wheelchair to me but I shook my head quickly, "I'll walk." I tell her with a smile which she nodded and smiled back.
Namjoon helped me down the bed and held me by waist, I leaned into him as I wore my plain slippers, Jimin grabbed my other hand and like that we all piled out of the room with Doctor Geum walking ahead, all eight of us in the middle with the two nurses behind us.
"Are you ready to start this battle with us by your side?" Namjoon rasped into my ear.
"Yes, I am." I whispered, he pecked my temple and we continued walking further. We reached an elevator and we all got on it, it was big for all of us. Throughout the elevator ride, my boyfriends kept whispering motivating and comforting words to me.
And it did help me to gain a stance on this new battleground.
Not long, we all arrived at my new hospital room, they helped me settle in quickly and Doctor Geum started with his explanation.
He began with explanations on the different drugs I'll be given, explaining their functions to us. I paid utter attention to him because I wanted to understand everything he was saying and thanks to my Oncology knowledge, it was easier assimilating everything he was saying. He then moved to the dose plan, he explained how it would be straight five days for one week and two days for rest, then they'll check my blood count and see how the next dose plan will go. Whether it will be reduced or remain the same dose. He also told me that this was high dosage because of my age and because of how high my Lymphocytes count is.
Lastly, he explained the side effects, fatigue, low appetite, nausea, hair loss and mouth sores are the common ones. He explained that I may get some or few but fatigue and nausea was something that's inevitable.
I kept nodding to his words.
"What about my hair?" I ask while touching my curls. I love them so much that I know I'll cry if I lose them.
"We will watch and see if you are losing them, if that happens you will have to cut it all." He answered.
I hope not but it always mostly happens.
"Okay." I reply.
Everything he explained was quite a lot but I was able to keep up because I understood most of them. I was ready but still scared. I was prepared for all the feelings even though I know they will be so weighing and tiring at some points but I let that renewed hope and energy stay with me.
I didn't let them go.
And in swift and fluid motions, the nurses hanged a bag of fluid on the IV stand, they injected some drugs into the liquid in the bag and they also pushed in some drugs into the Cannula before connecting the fluid tube into the Cannula.
They advised me to rest and allow the drugs take effects.
Which meant my boyfriends had to leave as well. Doctor Geum informed me that he will come back to check on me in the evening but Hana will bring the other two nurses later to introduce themselves as the three of them will be working in shifts. After he said that, he left wishing me a smooth battle journey. Prisha left afterwards, wishing me strength and positivity with a promise to check on me from time to time as she was now transferred to the Emergency room department where her crushes are. I'm happy for her.
Hana left last, saying see you soon to me and good bye Oppas to my boyfriend. Her fangirling is ever obvious.
"Everything will be fine hmmn?" Hobi says to me, holding my free hand without IV.
"I believe so." I answer with a small smile, I was feeling sleepy already as a yawn escaped my mouth.
"We'll come back at night. Don't hesitate to call us if you need anything or if they aren't doing right by you." Jin says to me and I nodded slowly, the drowsiness seeping in more and more.
"Love you, Vee." I hear Tae say and I whispered I love you all before I finally let the sleep take over.
And during my almost asleep state, I felt wetness on my forehead, they pecked me. That made me smile till I had no thoughts, nor any awaken senses.
*
I woke up later when Nurse Hana came to check on me and she was with the two other older looking nurses, they introduced themselves to me and they were all wearing blue disposable gowns over their nurse outfit guessing to avoid transmitting germs as my immune system is currently weak. They checked on the fluid and did whatever needed to be done. I was feeling hungry so I let them know and they said my lunch will be delivered soon.
Hana tried to make small talks which I appreciated, gotten to understand she's just an outgoing/social/ jovial person, she's chatty and always giggling so it became obvious and I better warm up to her since I'll be seeing her more often than before.
I just can't match her energy especially now that I feel so tired and weak. The other two nurses are quiet, professional and all about their business.
The day went by so fast that I wished every upcoming days is like this one, I was able to eat well and I'm glad about that, I hope the nausea doesn't come yet. I was able to watch some TV, scrolled through social media and read some more with naps in between to while away my time.
The evening came with expectations; Doctor Geum's visit and my boyfriends. The sad thing is they can no longer sleep over like before. But seeing their faces is enough to keep boosting my energy and hope.
"Hello dear," Doctor Geum entered the room, "How are you feeling and how did you spend your day?" He asked as he walked further into the room with one of the new nurses behind him.
"Right now, I feel okay just tired and weak. And my day was okay too." I replied.
"That's good to hear." He nods. He proceeded to doing a quick check up on me and checked my folders, writing down some things in it as well, as he was doing that, the sound of the door pushed opened caught my attention and I saw Doctor Sunny walked in.
"Hey, how are you? Sorry I didn't come earlier." He apologized quickly.
"Nooo," I shake my head, " No need for apologies, you're still a working doctor and I'm doing okay." I answer him.
"That's good to hear, I told you you are a strong lady." He winked making me chuckle.
He and Doctor Geum chatted a bit about me and so far, it's good but they said that's expected for the first day, by tomorrow everything would have settled into the system properly and the side effects will start surfacing.
"By the end of the week, we will know how long you will be staying in the hospital, we hope the treatment goes well and you could be back home by the end of the month, that's like three more weeks." Doctor Geum informs me.
"Oh okay." I nodded.
They administered my evening dose and urged me to eat a good portion of dinner because tomorrow might be full of low appetite and nausea. Once everything was checked and done, they left me to myself.
I glanced at my phone time and saw it was almost 7:30pm, I'm expecting them to be here soon. Missed them so much.
I distracted my anticipating self with some America Got Talent videos on the TV. It was connected to YouTube so I had easy access with better sound. I don't know if I lost count of time or they were just early but one by one, dressed in disposable gowns, they walked into the room.
"Hi love." Hobi's voice boomed through making me smile so wide, it's like I finally was able to suck in fresh air all day.
"Hi, my loves, welcome." I say to them.
"We had to wear this and sanitise our hands." Tae gestures to his body then raise his palms in the air. "Yeah, for germs and sorts." I nodded. "Missed you guys so much."
"I miss you too Noona, how was your first day of treatment?" Guk says, walking closer to me. Then took a seat on the chair nearby.
"It was actually okay, I was able to eat, sleep and enjoy TV, all I just feel is fatigue. How about you guys?" I asked.
"Practices are a lot along with the end of the year award shows pressure besides that, nothing much." Namjoon replied, everyone managed to take a seat with Namjoon and Jin sitting at the end of the bed.
"Has the doctor come to check on you?" Yoongi asked.
"Yes, I got introduced to two new nurses and Doctor Sunny also came to visit me." I answered. "Oh yeah, we've seen the nurses, our manager is handling the NDA thingy with them but is there anything we should know that the doctor mentioned?" Namjoon replied.
I nodded to his words and filled them in on what Doctor Geum said and what to expect.
"Angel?" Jin called suddenly.
"Yes?"
"Aren't you going to tell your parents about this?" He asked the question I've been purposely been evading all day. I don't want to sadden my parents and I also didn't want to give my mother a reason to insult my choices, she could very well blame my decision for staying here as the reason for developing cancer, that's how much she's against me being here with my seven boyfriends as the whole idea is absurd to her.
"I will, not just this early. Not yet." I answer them.
"Why Hazel, I think they should know." Jimin says softly.
"I know Jimin but I just think it's too early, I'm not ready to share such sad news with them and you know how my mum can get so..." I trail off, hoping they understand my unsaid words.
"We understand, take your time Flower. No rush and we're here." Namjoon says reassuringly, smiling at me.
"Thanks."
They spent more time with me until I noticed their tired faces they were trying to mask so I chased them home to go get some good night rest, assuring them that I'll be okay and that they don't have to worry tomorrow, they can just send me cute videos of them and I'll be satisfied with that until evening when they come back again.
Forehead pecks and good night words were shared.
That was enough to get me through the first night of my chemotherapy as I was low-key nervous for the next day.
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[Word Count: 3523]
A/N: How are we feeling?
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Dura says you should blink more...it moisturise and oxygenate your eyes.