Pete Pov
This night was like the old time, Pol and Tankhun fighting over everything, Arm laughing watching them by my side. We played games with alcohol, Tankhun tried to be a genius bartender and not all the drinks were good, but we had fun. We ate delicious food, watched a horror movie, then a funny one. I had fun with them.
I couldn't have a better night after that terrible day even if I didn't sleep at all, overthinking my story with him and imagining so many what if because of what happened. As I learned very well my lesson, nothing good lasts forever and I should put myself first or at least try to do that.
I do my best to leave quietly the room with my luggage, it's too early in the morning for someone to be up and that's exactly why I choose this time of the day. I walk towards the entrance of the house with a heavy heart, I had many memories there, spending many years with the main family and now, I was free, doing everything I want.
I never had the chance to question myself about who I wanted to be if I had a chance, I'm lost and I hope that healing myself will help me to find answers.
Chan : Pete !
Pete : Oh hello Phi Chan.
Chan : Are you leaving ?
Pete : Yes. I don't want to be a burden.
Chan : You are a good element Pete. We will always have a place for someone like you if you change your mind.
Pete : Thank you Phi Chan. I need time to think.
Chan : You know that you can work inside without having to meet them, right ?
Pete : I know what your offer is, but I can't accept it Phi Chan.
Chan : Alright. I wish you good luck Pete. You have my number, right ?
Pete : Thank you, I have it Phi Chan.
Chan : If you don't find a job and you still want to work as a bodyguard but not here, give me a call I have contacts.
Pete : I will not forget it Phi Chan.
I get in the cab I reserved, a cap on my head I need to make some change and let people forget me, especially the enemy of the Theerapanyakun's family.
I am alone to protect myself, but I have always been when I needed to face my father, when I was used to not let anything happen to Khun Kinn even if it meant to be killed. The thunder in my heart is still damaged me and I want it to stop, I wish the psychiatrist will help me on that matter.
The course isn't long before the driver tells me we arrived, so I get off with my luggage.
It's not a luxurious motel, it's perfect to hide and it doesn't seem to be too dirty, it looks even better than in the pictures on the internet.
The receptionist gives me my key with a smile, I thank her before reaching the elevator.
I want to take a warm bath, to shut down my brain and empty my head, maybe my heartache will stop for a moment. I have maybe three hours before Tankhun wakes up and my phone will ring non-stop.
- Four days later. -
Pete : What can I say ? I finally have a home, it's a cosy studio not too big to remind my loneliness and not too small to have a panic attack. I did as you asked Doctor, I tried to find what I like. But I must admit that it's hard. I tried to work as a florist, it was not a success. I cut my hands with flowers, and customers don't like blood on their flowers, so it was really not for me, especially since I learned that each flower has a meaning. I was more focused on why a customer wanted this kind of flowers and what motivation he had.
Psychiatrist : What did you feel ?
Pete : I feel like a mountain filled with sadness ? I'm not crying anymore though.
Psychiatrist : You are depressed Pete. Of course, you feel empty. Do you take your medication ?
Pete : Yes, I take them and it makes me sleep some hours at night.
Psychiatrist : That’s good. Do you still have nightmares ?
Pete : Sometimes.
Psychiatrist : There is some progress that’s great.
Pete : How ?
Psychiatrist : You came to me three days ago, not eating, with the wish to do nothing. You were unsure to tell me about your love story and you were not able to sleep at all, always crying and as I quote you "It feels like I lost a part of me and I don't know how to live without it". It's only the third time, but there is progress Pete and I'm proud of you. I asked you to find something you like, to do it so you can take one step after one holding on that thing. You did more than I asked Pete.
Pete : I don't know doctor. I feel useless. I had a purpose in life, I never complained. I took the punch of my father, I did everything, I was willing to get shoot to save this damn family. And here I am, heartbroken because I thought for once I was special to someone. It's like waking up from a sweet dream to face the ugly reality, and I will never have this kind of dream anymore because it's impossible for someone like me. I'm not able to save myself, I watch myself in the mirror and think that it's a stranger that I see there.
Psychiatrist : You're human Pete, you have feelings. You can't erase months of happiness just like that, you need time and I'm here to help you work on that. Right now, you feel lost, but you are strong Pete. After everything you went through, you didn't give up on life when you could have for many reasons. You will do it, you loved Vegas, the idea of someone being there for you and you lived with him, you took care of his family. This is new to you, you will move on, I promise it. Your time is up, I will see you next week Pete. One after one.
I'm falling apart in a way I never did before, I don't know how to deal with that. I remember the words of my father that I was a failure, that nobody would love me and I deserved nothing. I start to think he was maybe right. Who would want to love me ? I was too clingy to a man who did the worst things to me because he showed kindness sometimes. A shame.
I leave the office, I walk with no destination in mind, I'm being careful to my surroundings in a case someone wants revenge on me.
I changed my hair, my kind of clothes to be a different person. I was a shadow. I was never seen. Perhaps people will not notice me again. I need to work to earn money, yet I still find something which makes me think of him and finally, it makes me want to do nothing, just stay inside my house.
I wanted to work with animals, guess what ?
I saw hedgehogs, I ran away before the interview to get the job. How cruel it is. I'm suffering when he is living happy with him.
I walk past a coffee shop, I stop in front of it seeing the flyer for hiring a server and cheer myself up before entering the place.
This time will be good. I loved coffee, I needed it a lot when I was on a job to stalk someone.
I put on my mask on again, a weak smile on my thin face, I lost some weight within the day went on, I ask for a manager to apply for the job. The cute girl making coffee tells me to wait seated near the table at the back, I do as I was told and be ready to try to sell myself for something that would not bring the biggest joy in my life, yet it could help to cope with living as a nobody.
Gina : Hello. Thank you for waiting. Nice to meet you, I'm Gina the manager. You are here for the hiring, right ?
Pete : Hello. Nice to meet you Gina, I'm Pete and yes, I want to work here.
Gina : I will be honest with you. Most of our employees are students. So, why us ?
Pete : I want to start over. I'm not a student, I never thought I was capable to study, but I'm a fast learner.
Gina : What did you do before ?
Pete : I was a bodyguard.
Gina : That’s cool. Well, we need someone to work here only three days a week would you be okay with that ?
Pete : Yes, no problem. I just want to work.
Gina : Great. Then, I will prepare everything today. Could you come tomorrow to sign your contract ?
Pete : So easy ? Thank you so much.
Gina : Of course, you seem like a kind guy and maybe a workaholic. And Pete, I'm pretty sure you could have continued to study, you just didn't give a try. Anyways, see you tomorrow.
I go home with a good new, even if I still have this lump in the stomach. I make noodles while I put the tv on, to have some noises in the back, to feel less alone in the world. I hear my phone ringing, so I go to take the call without the need to see the ID of the caller.
There is only one person to call me everyday on the same hour because of the order of his boss.
Pete : "Hello, Arm."
Arm : "Hi, Pete. How are you today ?"
Pete : "Still the same. I saw the psychiatrist today and I will try a new job soon."
Arm : "That’s great. What will you do ?"
Pete : "Server in a coffee shop. How it is in your side ?"
Arm : "Nothing really new. Khun Noo fought with Pol for a drama. Khun Kinn is working late, Khun Korn is giving him more tasks. Wait ! There is something ! Khun Kim went home to announce that he will open a guitar shop."
Pete : "Still the same. Khun Kim must be like Khun Kinn, they lose someone because of... Anyways.. I take care of them.."
Arm : " Pete. Will you think you would be able to come back one day ? Not to be a bodyguard.. You know... Maybe just to say hi... We miss you.."
Pete : "I don't know.. There is progress, but it's too soon and I have a new work. I never did coffee... And the machine seemed so difficult.. Arm.. Can I ask you something ?"
Arm : "I'm sure, you will be the best server and doing the most delicious coffee. Tell me."
Pete : "What do you think of studies ?"
Arm : "What about it ?"
Pete : " Do you think I can study ? I mean.. If I try to study and go to a campus to start over completely..?"
Arm : " Of course ! You would be the smartest and hottest student !"
Tankhun : " Is it Pete ?! My Pete ! If you want to study ! I will pay your fees, if you promise to come back !"
Pete : " Hello and Thank you Khun.. I don't know.. I just met someone who told me that if I wanted, I could do it.. And I had this thought maybe.. Nothing is sure now.. I have to think about it.. I have to go, goodbye.."
Arm : " Take all your time and good luck with your new work. Bye Pete."