I tried to shrug off the annoyance I had felt after that afternoon but failed. I knew for a fact that the problems of the protestors weren't because of the policemen. However, I still felt... the indifference between the policemen and protestors. Maybe I was overthinking; maybe I was biased. After all, I've always loved daredevils in films more than goody-two-shoes.
"If I didn't study for the econ exam, then I'll fail."
Right now, Lara was helping me study for a math quiz we were going to have.
I nodded at my friend's words. Tungkol sa logic ang pinag-aaralan namin, at sinusubukan niyang ituro sa 'kin ang basics bago ang mga complex equations ng mga sentences dahil 'di ako mabilis maka-gets sa math.
"Kanina pa lumilipad isip mo," puna ni Lara habang binababa niya ang papel niyang hawak. "Sorry, medyo... lutang lang talaga after drinking with Mari."
"Alam ba ng mga Kuya mo na you drank kagabi?" umiling ako. Lara let out a disappointed breath and continued to teach me.
"Lara, ano'ng tingin mo sa mga pulis?"
Rather than continuing to review, I was diving into my most recent doubt. Kasalanan 'to ng prof namin.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, what do you think of them? You think they're mighty and... just?"
"I think they do their job, sometimes they don't. They're just like any other employee out there, why?"
"Kanina kasi, after our class, sabi ng prof, 'di ba, we shouldn't be indifferent? Kasi that causes poverty?" Lara nods. "Well, when we went to RobMan, we saw protestors outside DOJ, and we saw policemen. I..." I let out a frustrated sigh before continuing. "I'm just pissed."
"Pissed at who? Our prof? The police? Or the protestors?"
"Myself and... the police. I know that they were just doing their jobs every time we walked by them. But seeing them... so... normal while there were people trying to fight for their rights and justice made me... sort of angry."
"And, you know you're being unfair, that's why you're pissed at yourself."
I nodded. "You're right, they are just doing their jobs. They are just protecting the numerous government officers within DOJ. They are just protecting the image of the DOJ by staying calm under pressure from protestors. But... isn't that indifference?"
"They were being professional, Eloise. I don't think they were indifferent."
"Yeah... I know... I don't even know why I thought they were."
"Me too, between us, you're the unemotional one towards social issues. Makes me think why you ever took DevStud."
"It was what piqued my interest. When I was applying, I thought DevStud was like... political economy. I didn't like any science program here, even though it was a medicine-centered place. I could've gotten PolSci, but it had a ton of math, like hardcore math. And, you know I'm not great with numbers."
"You might be transitioning. Our profs are very passionate towards so many noble causes, baka naimpluwensiyahan ka nang hindi mo napapansin."
"Baka..."
"You know, Gray is also passionate about social issues, especially about the judicial system."
"Si Graham? Talaga?"
"Oo, don't tell him I told you, but the reason why is that his older brother died in jail before a ruling came to be. He was really angry as a kid back then. At some point, he was mean toward everyone."
"Can I know what the case of his brother was?"
"Drugs."
Tumango ako at hindi na nagtanong ng iba pang detalye. May ideya at hula na ako kung bakit matagal ang naging ruling ng kaso na 'yon dahil sa mismong news naman, pinakikita madalas na puno na ang isang bilibid. Pa'no ba naman, palaging hindi agad natatapos ang mga kaso.
"About your transition, I think it's a good thing—you being caring towards other people. Just be logical. Hindi kasalanan nung mga pulis na naghihirap 'yong mga nagpoprotesta, 'wag ka magalit sa kanila. Magalit ka kung sinisita sila nung mga pulis ng walang dahilan."
Lara and I continued to study after she gave me that meaningful advice.
The next day, I attended my PolSci 11 class.
"Political Science as a form of science deals with an organized way of existing. They follow a system, like the scientific method. And, everything they do is based on empirical information." I jotted down what our professor was explaining.
Right now, he was teaching us about Political Science as an art and science. I saw PolSci as a branch of science rather than the arts. Although it was explicitly in the social science area of academia, I still see the rigorous research and discussions related to it in a... scientific way.
"However, the relationships of Political Science are not limited to solely the arts and science—it's incorporated with so many areas of life. Kaya nga mayro'ng phrase na 'everything is political.'"
A student raised their hand and spoke. "But the civil society exists, so doesn't that mean politics doesn't tap itself into that area of life?"
Our professor answered in a non-condescending way. "The phrase I said is taken from varying perspectives. You think politics isn't related to everything, but when you witness the process of everything—even civil society—you'll see a glimpse of political actions, sometimes they're subtle, sometimes they're obvious."
Sumagot muli ang kaklase ko. "Pero hindi po ba mawawalan na ng liberty ang mga tao if that's the case?"
Umiling ang prof ko. "That's why we hold on to the constitution very tightly because that's where the bill of rights is," the student nodded and didn't reply anymore.
"For your assignment, I want you to write a two-page essay on your thoughts on the newly published national policy and its connection to the topic we discussed. You can write in an argumentative way, a narrative way, or in a persuasive way." our prof mentioned the name of the policy when someone asked before ending the class.
"Deadline is next week Monday, bye, everyone." The professor left and we all began to walk out as well.
In-attend-an ko ang PE after that class and got really sweaty. The one I applied to kasi was aerobics, sabi kasi ni Mari do'n siya. Wala na akong ibang kakilala sa ibang PE class. Ayaw ko namang i-take 'yong classes nina Lara, William at Franko na Sparring at Volleyball. Kaya, heto, nagpapapawis ako para sa isang bagay na 'di ko naman gusto.
"Punta kaming Dapitan para kumain, you want to come, Dani?" si Mitchelle. "Ayaw ko, I'm tired and sweaty na." Tumango siya at naglakad na sila ng iba kong block mates palayo.
Umuwi ako sa condo at naligo bago nilinis ang unit ko. I had a ton of papers on my desk, may mga maruruming damit din sa lapag at ilang mga sapatos. Kumain ako ng meriyenda sa unit bago bumaba para mag-aral na sa Esso.
Kaso pagdating ko ro'n, puno na ang lugar. I didn't want to stay in RobMan and in my unit.
I sighed. Dapat pala nagpahintay na lang ako kina Mitchelle para nakasabay ako sa kanila patungong Dapitan, malapit lang España ro'n, e. I could go to the café where I drank kapeng barako...
Internally, I groaned before walking to ride a bus to España. Naging mabilis ang pagsakay ko at airconditioned pa 'yong bus na nasakyan ko.
Hallelujah.
But the travel time was not quick at all. It was supposed to be a 15-minute drive, but it took me almost an hour. Ang lala ng traffic talaga sa Pilipinas.
"Isang kapeng barako," ang sinambit ko nang makarating sa counter nung café. Medyo marami nang tao rito, pero hindi naman maingay.
Hallelujah, again.
Umupo ako sa nag-iisang table na libre at binuksan na ang laptop ko. I took out my book and began reading and highlighting.
Nakalimutan ko na ganito pala rito, it's been a while since I went here. Ganda talaga nung ambiance, walang duda. Kung katabi lang 'to ng condo unit ko, rito ko na inaya mga friends ko araw-araw.
"Ma'am, kapeng barako po," tumango ako sa employee na nagdala ng inumin ko at nagpatuloy sa ginagawa.
Matapos ang dalawang oras, naramdaman ko na ang pagkalam ng tiyan ko. I checked the clock and saw that it was already 7:18 PM. I stood up and stretched my back before looking out the window of the café. A ton of people were passing by and the street was well-lit.
I got out and walked around to see the eateries. Marami akong napansin na tapsihan at sisig carinderyas, kaya naman I decided to try one. Bro Sizzling Hauz was a full house. With numerous waiting customers outside and numerous customers dining inside, I was sure there was something about the place for many to go here.
Tinignan ko 'yong menu at nakitang mura lang siya, baka kaya maraming pumupunta rito. Sana masarap...
Hindi naman matagal ang naging paghihintay ko, mabilis ang galaw ng mga serbidor, kaya nakaupo ako matapos ang 10 minutes. I ordered the beef teriyaki with vegetables before the server helped me to a table.
Maraming taga-FEU at taga-UST akong nakikita, malamang katatapos lang ng mga klase nila dahil mga naka-uniforms pa, e. Nilabas ko ang phone ko para may magawa habang naghihintay. Sakto at nag-text si kuya Eli sa akin, kita ko agad.
Kuya eli 💚: do you want cantonese noodles or japanese food?
Nag-reply ako habang naririnig ko ang ilang sigawan ng serbidor na nagtatrabaho.
Me: espanya ako, eating dinner na kuya
Then, Lara messaged me on Messenger.
Lara Laurel: gray rlly wont budge :')) try mo kausapin, name niya sa fb is Gray Laurel
I closed my eyes with force and remembered how I removed him from my suggested list. Hindi ko napansin din na Gray pala 'yong pangalan niya no'n. Mukha niya lang kasi natignan ko, pinindot ko na agad 'yong 'x.'
I looked up the mango's profile and hesitantly thought.
If I add him, would he even accept me?
The last interaction I had with him was him bringing me home drunk. Inis na inis siya sa 'kin no'n as I was with him.
Bago pa magpago ng isip ko, pinindot ko na ang add button at umalis sa profile ni mangga. Kung 'di niya ako pansinin... e 'di, 'wag.
"Beef teriyaki with vegetables po?" pinatay ko ang telepono ko saka tinignan ang nagsalita. Tumango ako at tinanggap ang plato ng kanin at plate nung kaluluto lang na teriyaki.
Saglit akong nagdasal bago kumain. Habang ngumunguya, naramdaman ko ang pag-vibrate ng phone ko, kaya naman kinuha ko 'yon mula sa bulsa at tinignan ang caller. It was kuya Eli. I pressed the green button to answer him.
"Where in España are you, bebe? I'll fetch you," bungad ni Kuya sa akin.
"Malapit sa UST, Kuya. Like I'm on a side of like a triangle," I tried to describe the places I walked on. Kaso parang 'di yata mage-gets ni Kuya.
"Just send me your location on Messenger."
"Okay."
"Tapos ka na ba?"
"Still eating."
"Message me when you're done."
"Okay, Kuya. Ikaw? Have you eaten? Want me to buy you food?"
"Wow, never thought you'd ask."
"Malay ko ba!"
"Okay, okay. Send mo sa 'kin menu."
"Sige, picture-an ko."
"Ingat ka riya'n. 'Wag ka nang gumala, ha. Madilim na."
"Yes, yes. See you later, Kuya."
Binaba ko ang tawag at nagpatuloy sa pag-ubos ng in-order. Then, before leaving, I asked for a take-out of what Kuya picked from the menu. Habang inaabangan 'yon, nakita ko ang pagpasok ni Graham at mga kaklase niya. Napatitig ako sa kaniya at napansin ang pimple niya sa pisngi. Nakasalamin siya, may gano'n pala 'yon? He was talking to his friend as he passed by me, they probably saw an empty table behind me.
Should I ask him now? But it would seem weird if I asked him so publicly, right?
Yeah... 'Wag na muna.
I can't believe I'm stooping to ground zero just to... study effectively.
"Ma'am, sisig n'yo po," tumalikod ako at inabot ang plastik na binibigay nung serbidor na kanina pa ako sine-serve.
Nahagip ko ang paglingon ni Graham sa 'kin. I gave him a quick look before walking out and waiting for my brother. Dapat ba nginitian ko siya? Baka mawala ang inis niya sa 'kin kung ginawa ko 'yon... Dapat in-acknowledge ko siya! Ang tanga!
Malapit na raw si Kuya, sasaglit lang siya sa gilid ng daan para makasakay ako sa kotse.
Inside my head, I was scolding myself before I saw kuya Eli's arrival. I got in the car and put on my seatbelt.
"What did you eat there?" Kuuya asked as he swerved the car to make a U-Turn. "Beef teriyaki."
"Was it any good?" I shrugged. "It's okay, at least it was cheap."
"Are you still hungry ba? You want me to go to a drive-thru of McDo?" umiling ako. "I'm okay na, Kuya."
"Sure? Ayaw mo ng McFloat or fries?" again, I shook my head and watched the other cars beside Kuya's.
"What did you do there, bebe?"
"Studied."
"Were you with your friends?"
"No, just me."
"Why not in your condo na lang? Para mas comfortable?"
"I don't like being alone when I study."
"Bakit?"
"I just... don't like it. I never liked being alone constantly, especially when I'm doing something."
"But you're always alone now."
"Exactly, it's why I liked going to my friends' houses before. When I was at tita Rina's, I always had our cousins. Company was always there before."
"Do you want to move into my place?"
"No, I like having my own place but... I just wish I had more people around often."
Kuya didn't respond to my last words. Obviously, he didn't like what I wanted. I don't think he ever will unless I was a full-fledged adult working on my own.
"What will you do?" nakapasok na kami sa unit at ngayo'y may sari-sariling ginagawa nang magsalita si Kuya.
"Going to finish some homeworks," I sat on the chair in front of my desk.
"I thought you studied na?"
"Yes, but I still have to still do some stuff. I'm not yet done."
"Mukhang pagod ka na, bebe. Bukas na 'yan."
"I can't, Kuya. Kailangan mapasa ko 'tong mga 'to on time."
Kuya Eli sighed and ate at my table quietly. Tumawag ang girlfriend niya saglit at ipinakita pa sa akin. He left after an hour and kissed me on the cheek goodbye. I finished one of the things I had to do before Kuya left and had no energy after that.
Nag-shower ako at humiga na sa kama. The cold room forced me to cover up using my soft blanket. I opened my phone and checked some notifications. Some high school friends of mine sent me a few messages, but I was more concerned with Graham Laurel's FB profile.
Hindi pa rin niya ako in-a-accept. M-in-essage ko si Lara para mapabilis ang pag-accept ni mangga sa 'kin.
Eloise Madrigal: tell ur cousin to accept me na
She replied and we talked for a bit.
Lara Laurel: ok
Eloise Madrigal: are u done w math10 worksheet? pa-check
Lara Laurel: sure, send ko later
Lara Laurel: i messaged gray na :')) ayaw niya huhu
Eloise Madrigal: bakit??
Lara Laurel: ewan ko ron so arte pm mo na lang open naman yata messages niya to non-fb friends
Eloise Madrigal: sige
Lumipat ako sa Messenger history namin ni Gray Laurel.
Gray Laurel
Facebook
You're not friends on Facebook
Goes to the University of Sto. Tomas
Studied at xxx Science High School
Nagtipa ako ng ilang drafts at pinagmasdan ang bawat isa.
Eloise Madrigal: can i ask you a favor?
Eloise Madrigal: sorry about last time
Eloise Madrigal: hi, graham
Eloise Madrigal: im sorry about me being a drunk
Eloise Madrigal: can you help me
I removed the blanket from my face and stared at the dark ceiling. Pa'no ko sisimulan 'tong message ko? Ni ayaw niya akong i-accept. Papansin niya pa 'to?
Malabo pa sa paglamig sa Pilipinas.
Pinindot ko pa rin ang huling tinipa ko at saglit na nagdasal para maawa sa 'kin ang Diyos.