Kabanata 9
Tired
Everything went hazy in the aftermath.
Natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong nakaupo sa kama ng aking kwarto. Hindi ko alam kung binuhat ba ako ni Jameson papunta rito. Wala akong maalala. Ang alam ko, may mga sinabi siya sa akin kaninang hindi ko maintindihan... Parang bumubuka lang 'yong bibig niya pero walang pumapasok sa utak ko. My senses failed to serve me during those moments. I just... shut down.
Walang buhay ang aking mga mata nang pagmasdan siyang lumuhod sa harap ko. Nakayuko siya habang ikinukulong ang aking hita sa kanyang mga braso. He looked like a man kneeling upon the cross at church.
"I'm sorry... Please... Celia patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagawa 'yon. Kahit ako rin ay nagulat sa sarili ko. I was just stressed. I don't know. All my important files are on that laptop. Alam kong pwede ko naman 'yong marecover pero nagulat lang talaga ako sa nangyari."
My senses slowly went back to me. Unti-unti kong napansin ang luha sa kanyang mga mata, ang lukot niyang mukha, at ang basag niyang boses. He looked so broken. Mukha siyang namatayan.
"I don't want to lose you, Celia. You're the first woman I've pursued for years. I'm so so so sorry. Believe me, I didn't mean to hurt you."
Napakurap ako. "Paano mo 'yon nagawa sa akin?" tanong ko sa nasasakal na boses.
As if on cue, I broke down in tears and found it difficult to breathe. Matagal nang nawala ang asthma ko pero pakiramdam ko unti-unti 'yong bumabalik dahil sa nangyari. Hindi matanggap ng puso ko na kaya niya 'yong gawin sa akin.
I trusted him! I trusted him so!
Nagmamadali siyang tumayo at mukhang aalis sana nang hilahin ko siya paharap sa akin. His gaze slid down to me, eyes red and sparkling with tears. Nang matanto kong hinahawakan ko siya ay mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko.
I didn't even know I could feel this disgusted with someone. Kahit ang huminga ng sariling hanging nilalanghap niya ay 'di na ata kaya ng sikmura ko.
"Saan ka pupunta? Nag-uusap pa tayo!"
"I was just about to get some water and look for an inhaler—"
Tumayo ako at unti-unting lumapit sa kanya. "Don't turn your back on me until you answer my question! Bakit... Bakit, Jameson? Bakit mo 'yon nagawa sa akin? I was just trying to help! You... You hit me! You backhanded me!"
He took a deep breath. "I swear, I didn't mean it, Celia. Natataranta na kasi ako tapos humaharang ka. I was just trying to shove you lightly. I didn't mean to hurt you at all."
"You slapped me with the back of your hand!"
"And I regret it so much! Pakiusap, paniwalaan mo ako. I wasn't trying to hit you! Huli na nga nang matanto kong nasaktan kita. You suddenly went quiet. When I turned to look at you, I saw how shocked you were. Doon ko lang natantong nagawa ko 'yon sa 'yo. I was just trying to shove you lightly... Please..."
"How could you not know about it? Ramdam ko sa buo kong pagkatao ang sakit, Jameson!"
He tried to soothe me by touching my hair, but I slapped his arm away. Umigting ang kanyang panga sa sakit ng pagsampal ko. I hated how that simple reaction made me soften a bit. Bahagya akong napaatras, nanginginig ang mga kamay.
"I want to leave." Inunahan ko na ang sarili ko kasi nararamdaman kong unti-unti na akong nadadala sa mga sinasabi niya.
I felt like I was going crazy, which was probably for the best. I needed to be a little bit insane to express my anger without any inhibitions. Dahil alam kong sa pagkakataong makaramdam ako ng awa at pagsisisi ay hahanap ng rason ang utak kong intindihin ang ginawa niya sa akin.
"Celia, no," his voice broke when he replied. "Don't do this... Inaamin ko, nagkamali ako. I'm so sorr—"
"Jameson, sinaktan mo ako!" Sobrang sakit para sa akin na sabihin 'yon sa kanya. I felt so betrayed by him.
"I won't let you leave until you forgive me. Please... You have to believe my side of the story, Celia... Hindi ko talaga sinadya iyon. Nakaharang ka. Nagpupunas ako. You tried to help, but I already told you it was fine. Pinilit mong tumulong kaya pinigilan kita kasi, as I said, it was fine. I shoved you lightly. Sobrang hina lang no'n, Celia. I was trying to shove you by your chest, but it landed on your face by accident. Pakiramdam mo sinampal kita pero hindi 'yon ang totoo."
Umiling ako. "You slapped me!"
"Technically, yes, but it was an accident. I never meant to hit you in the face. Shit, I never meant to hit you at all. Itutulak nga lang sana kita ng marahan, 'di ba?"
Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. His touch was familiar. It was gentle and respectful. Iyon ang Jameson na kilala ko. Ito 'yon. Ito siya. Kung sino man ang lalaking 'yon sa study kanina, hindi 'yon si Jameson. This gentleman had always been him.
His other hand cupped the part of my face that he hit earlier. "I would never intentionally hurt you. Bakit ko naman 'yon magagawa sa 'yo?" He brushed his thumb on my cheek, soothing the pain. "I would protect this face with all my life."
Hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya at niyakap ng mahigpit. My tears rolled down my cheeks again. This was the Jameson I knew and trusted. That monster who hit me earlier couldn't be him. He would never hurt me intentionally. I felt it in the way he kissed me. He cherished me. No one breaks the things they cherish. Only a fool would do that.
"Masyado atang napadalas ang pagbo-boxing at jiu jitsu ko kaya 'di ko natansya ang lakas ng pagtulak ko sa 'yo." He chuckled gravelly. "Please forgive me. You know I didn't mean it. You know I would never ruin your trust. I promised your parents I would take care of you. Sa tingin mo ba kaya kitang saktan?"
Pero nagawa mo na. Nasaktan mo na ako.
Gusto kong isatinig 'yon pero hindi ko mahanap ang boses ko. I just wanted to stay in his embrace. I wanted to convince myself it was all a nightmare. Hindi niya 'yon magagawa sa akin. Ito ang Jameson na kilala ko. Hindi 'yon.
"I think... I still need to tell Kuya Liam about it."
Umiling siya. "You can't tell anyone. Lalaki lang ito, Celia. They would never understand me like you do..."
I honestly didn't even know if I understood him. I just wanted the pain to go away, and this was one of the easiest ways to do it. Ang magpanggap na hindi siya ang lalaking nanakit sa akin, na isa lang 'yong kathang-isip. I wanted to bury that memory as fast as I could and as deeply as I could.
Gusto ko lang ng tahimik at payapang buhay. Ayaw ko ng gulo. Ayaw ko ng away o 'di pagkakaintindihan. Ayaw kong masaktan. This was the easiest way... Forgetting.
"But Kuya will see my red face tomorrow."
"Mawawala rin naman 'yan. We'll put ice on it before you sleep. You can also cover it with makeup if halata talaga."
"I don't know, Jameson..."
He hugged me tighter. "It's the best thing to do. Don't worry, I'm not going to force you to stay with me if you can't handle it. Pero sana manatili ka sa akin kahit hanggang magkita lang kayo ni Liam. Kung hindi kita mapipigilang umalis, kahit ito na lang sana ang ibigay mo sa akin. Let me prove to you that I didn't mean it."
Jameson tucked me to bed like a little kid. Noong nagising ako nang alas sais ng umaga ay bumalik sa alaala ko ang nangyari kagabi. I felt so confused, angry, hurt, and disappointed. Hindi ko alam kung kay Jameson ba o sa sarili ko.
May parte sa akin ang nagsasabing ang tanga ko upang palagpasin ang ginawa niya. I even slept in his house even though it was where the painful memory happened. I slept on the bed he prepared for me. I felt like I disappointed all the women who kept fighting against violence caused by people like him.
Ngunit may parte rin sa akin ang naniniwalang hindi iyon sinadya ni Jameson. It was so out of character for him. Nag-effort siya upang payagan ako ng mga magulang kong sumama sa kanya. I saw how much he prioritized my comfort. Kaya baka... tama nga siya. Aksidente lang iyon. He was sincere with his apologies to me.
At kung ang Diyos nga nagpapatawad...
"Isn't that your mantra in life? Keep sweet, pray, and obey?" I heard Zadkiel's voice in my head.
I was again in crisis. Naisip ko lang kasi na... hanggang kailan at saan mananatiling wasto ang pagpapatawad? Kapag ba... sinasaktan ka na, angkop pa rin iyon? Patawarin na lang kasi iyon ang tama? Huwag nang maghiganti kasi ang Diyos na ang bahala? Isn't that unfair? Aren't we entitled to resent and get back at the people who hurt us?
Sumikip ang dibdib ko. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at nagdasal na sana mawala na 'yong sakit. Then I fell asleep... Noong nagising ako ng mga alas dose ay may pagkain nang nakahanda sa lamesang nasa loob ng aking silid. A box was also on a chair beside it.
Lumapit ako at binuksan ang box. Mukhang damit o gown ang nasa loob nito. I picked it up and saw an elegant pink evening dress with just the right amount of sparkle. It covered enough skin except on the back. The back was open with a deep V-cut until probably my tailbone. Mayroon ding silver stiletto heels na nakapaloob sa kahon.
When I saw a note, I picked it up and read it.
Mon cherí,
You were asleep when I visited you earlier. Please wear these tonight. We'll be attending the birthday celebration of Senyor Archimedes (Zadkiel's father) at their mansion here in La Fortuna.
Also, Jameson asked me if he could be your date at the party. I said yes.
See you.
- Liam
As usual, I had no choice but to oblige. Naisip ko rin na mas mabuting dumalo na lang sa party na 'yon kaysa manatili rito sa bahay ni Jameson. And so, I spent the whole afternoon preparing for it. I had just finished putting on my dress when I heard a knock.
"Jameson," mapait kong wika nang makita siya pagbukas ko ng pinto.
"Wow, you look... stunning."
"Thank you."
Naiilang siyang ngumisi. "You probably don't want me as your date tonight, huh?"
"It's okay," sabi ko at umiwas ng tingin. It's not like I had a choice, anyway. Kuya Liam had already decided for me.
May kinuha siya sa kanyang bulsa at binigay sa akin. Nag-aalangan ko iyong tinanggap. It was a small box with a red velvet cover.
"My gift for you... Sa tingin ko babagay sa suot mo ngayon. It's also my way of saying sorry for..." he couldn't continue.
Tumango ako. "I get it. Salamat dito."
Jameson gifted me diamond earrings. Suot ko iyon habang naglalakad kami papasok sa marangyang mansiyon ng mga Valtierra. Nakasabit ang kamay ko sa kanyang braso, habang siya naman ay panay ang lingon sa akin.
The mansion's foyer was filled with guests wearing their respective designer gowns. Kahit ang amoy ng buong lugar ay mabango at mamahalin. Everyone looked like they had been blessed by old money or generational wealth.
Maaga na akong namulat sa mundong ito pero parang naninibago pa rin ako. Sometimes, I even thought it was excessive and vain... kaya rin hindi ako laging dumadalo ng elite parties. Something about them was so... performative or... out of touch with reality.
Una naming namataan si Kuya Liam na nakikipag-usap sa isang kilalang socialite actress. When he saw us approaching, he bid goodbye to her and met us halfway.
"Celia, baby," Kuya greeted and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm glad you made it. Jameson told me you weren't feeling well earlier, so I didn't disturb you in your sleep. Are you okay now?"
"Ayos na, Kuya..."
"I'll leave you two to talk. May kakausapin lang muna ako," singit ni Jameson. He smiled at me before walking toward a group of men in suits.
Noong wala na si Jameson ay makahulugan akong tinignan ni Kuya Liam. He put his hand in his pocket and smirked at me. Napanguso ako at napaiwas ng tingin.
"So what's the score between you two?" he asked.
"Wala, Kuya. He's just a friend."
"Hm. Let me rephrase my question. Sino ang mas gusto mo sa kanilang dalawa ni Zadkiel?"
Sinimangutan ko siya. "Kuya—"
"Kidding, mon cherí," he said playfully. "I know you're still busy with school. I just wanted to let you know it's fine if you want to entertain suitors. Basta ba 'yong may pangalan at naabot sa buhay naman. Not some college boy who cannot even stay faithful to you."
"You know about—"
"Stefan, yes. That fucking loser. I trust your taste, Celia. Please don't fail us?" he asked tenderly and fiddled with the tip of my hair. "Date someone who adds value to your life... not some horny boy with nothing to prove for himself."
Wait, wait, wait. Nabagabag ako bigla sa sinabi niya. Paano niya nalaman ang meron kami noon ni Stefan? I made sure I was being careful. Unless...
"Did Zadkiel tell you about Stefan?"
"No, he didn't."
"P-paano mo nalaman ang tungkol sa kanya, kung ganoon?"
He plastered a small smile. "You're our rose, Celia. Of course, we know everything about you. How else could we protect and guide you?"
Naitikom ko ang aking labi. Their rose... huh?
The image that came to my head when he said that was the rose in Disney's Beauty and the Beast—one that needed protection to the extent that... it had to be jailed in a glass container and isolated from the rest of the people in the castle.
Tila ba may tinik na namuo sa lalamunan ko. Dapat masaya ako dahil natatangi ako para sa kanilang pamilya ko. Pero bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? I felt suffocated. I felt like, one of these days... the glass would crack, because all I would want is to break free.
"Anyway, I found you guys a seat. Let's go."
Noong nakabalik na si Jameson ay iginiya kami ni Kuya Liam patungo sa pinakaharap na round table. Akala ko hindi na ako magugulat kung makita ko man si Zadkiel dito, pero noong namataan ko siyang nakaupo sa nasabing round table katabi si Nadia, kulang na lang ay magpalamon ako sa lupa sa pinaghalong kaba at kahihiyan.
Kahit wala namang nakasaksi sa nangyari sa study ni Jameson, pakiramdam ko alam ni Zadkiel 'yon at hinuhusgahan niya na ngayon ang desisyon ko. He warned me not to trust him, but here I was, attending his father's party with Jameson as my date.
Zadkiel was in his (probably Valentino) black suit and tie. Nagmimistula talaga siyang mafia boss sa pananamit niya. His look was different tonight, though. It was the piercings. Sobrang dami niyang suot na hikaw... mga apat o lima siguro sa kanan samantalang dalawa sa kaliwa. His hair was also brushed all the way back, with a few strands framing his face.
"Hi! Ang cute niyo naman together!" Nadia pointed out in a bubbly tone, referring to me and Jameson.
Isang tipid at pilit na ngiti lamang ang naisukli ko.
"You and Zadkiel look great, too," Jameson complimented back once we were all seated.
"Thank you! Oh my! Did you know? He didn't even want to attend Senyor's party! Mabuti nga at napilit ko siya kasi, naku, magagalit na naman sa kanya si Senyora Lavinia!"
Kuya Liam chuckled. "Knowing Zadkiel, he wouldn't even give a single fuck about it. He's immune to Senyora's rants."
"Well, he shouldn't be! 'Tsaka ang sakit naman kasi ni Senyora magsalita. Even Senyor, too. All they see is their poster child, Chamuel! Zadkiel's the one bringing in the big bucks, but, lo and behold, it's always the firstborn for them!"
Tumango si Kuya Liam. "Agreed. Where's he, anyway? Still at sea?"
"Yeah, he is! How crazy is that?! Siya ang wala ngayon rito, pero tignan mo mamaya, si Zadkiel pa rin ang mamasamain—"
"Can you guys shut the fuck up?" Zadkiel said darkly. Annoyance was very much evident on his face.
Nadia frowned at him before massaging his arm. "Babe, we're just saying... Your parents are treating you unfairly! It's annoying—"
"You're annoying. Can you leave?"
"Zakiel," banta ni Kuya Liam.
Naiilang at nagtataka ako habang pinapanood sila. Hindi ko alam kung anong namamagitan sa kanilang tatlo. Baka may polyamorous relationship sila o ano. But knowing Kuya Liam, ayaw niya ng kahit anong commitment pagdating sa babae. He just wanted a 'good lay.' His words, not mine.
Nonetheless, it still bothered me that Zadkiel was actually taken all this time... Pakiramdam ko nagkulang ako sa pagbigay ng respeto sa relasyon nila ni Nadia.
"We're just speaking on your behalf," medyo nagtatampo na ngayong sabi ni Nadia.
"I'm not a child. I don't need anyone standing up for me."
"But I'm your girlfriend! I'm entitled to at least have an opinion about it!"
"You can have your opinion somewhere else, then. Get out of my face."
Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko upang magsalita, ngunit tumayo na si Nadia. Nakapamewang niyang hinarap si Zadkiel. Meanwhile, Zadkiel was busy fiddling the table napkin... then suddenly, his intense gaze found mine. Napalunok ako bago umiwas ng tingin.
"Magc-CR lang ako pero babalik din ako rito," puno ng pait na ani Nadia. "You're not getting rid of me that easily, Zadkiel."
"Bummer."
"Wha— Ugh!"
Nadia groaned and walked out. Sa gilid ko ay seryosong nakatingin si Kuya Liam kay Zadkiel. He sighed then stood up.
"I know being an asshole is your thing, but tone it down a bit with her. Girlfriend mo 'yon."
Zadkiel scoffed. "She'll be fine. She's not as fragile as you think."
"Kahit na." Umiling si Kuya Liam at hinabol si Nadia.
It was awkward, to say the least. Bahagya rin akong nagulat sa nakalap na impormasyon tungkol sa mga magulang ni Zadkiel. So he's kind of like the black sheep of his family, huh? Kung totoo nga 'yon, then that would explain why he was so rude and insensitive. Maybe he needed to be tough growing up at hanggang ngayon ay dala-dala niya ang katangiang 'yon.
Nagsimula nang magbigay ng message si Senyor Archimedes ngunit hindi pa rin bumabalik sina Kuya Liam at Nadia. Kalaunan, nagsimula na ring mag-serve ng apetizer ang mga waiter. I quietly hummed when I realized it was caviar.
"Why? You don't like it?" Jameson asked when he noticed my reaction.
"No, it's okay. I'll eat it. Sayang naman..." Alam ko rin kasing mahal 'yon kaya nakakahiya namang huwag 'yon kainin.
"We can ask for an alternative if you want."
"'Wag na. Ayos lang naman sa 'kin."
"If it's not to your liking, then we can ask for an alternative. Hindi naman masasayang kasi papalitan lang naman, hindi itatapon," pilit niya.
Sa huli ay tumango na lang ako. "Sige..."
Itinaas ni Jameson ang kanyang kamay upang tawagin ang waiter. His gesture made me flinch in my seat. For a quick second, the image of him hitting me on the face with the back of his hand flashed in my mind. Akala ko... gagawin niya ulit.
Napansin ni Zadkiel ang pagkislot ko. His eyebrows furrowed, then slowly, a realization dawned on him. Kaagad ko siyang inilingan, tila ba dinedeny ang iniisip niya. His jaw clenched as his eyes glinted in something I could liken to a vampire's thirst for blood. He looked like he could kill.
"Uh, J-Jameson, puntahan mo na lang kaya sa kitchen? Mukhang busy 'yong mga waiters, e," I told him before Zadkiel could land a punch on his face.
"Oh, okay. I'll be back, then."
Napahinga ako ng maluwag nang tumayo siya at umalis sa table namin. Nanatiling matalim ang titig ni Zadkiel sa likod ni Jameson habang papalayo ito. I sipped on my water to calm my nerves.
"What the fuck did that bastard do?" katatamtaman ang lakas ng boses niya, pero ramdam doon ang diin at galit.
Umiling ako. "Nothing, Zadkiel. You're overthinking."
"You flinched when he raised his hand!"
"Nagulat lang ako..."
"Don't you fucking lie to me—"
"I'm not lying!" I exclaimed. I felt so hopeless kasi mukhang nakapagdesisyon na siya sa iniisip niyang rason ng pagkislot ko.
He stood up and looked down at me. Mas nagmukha siyang intimidating ngayong literal na nakaangat ang ulo ko upang matignan siya. He loosened his necktie as he mumbled all kinds of profanity to himself.
"Stand up and follow me."
"Kiel..."
His eyes darkened more. "Stand up and follow me, or I'll drag your ass off that chair."
Wala akong nagawa kundi sundin ang utos niya. We were already gaining a bit of attention from the nearby tables. Ayaw kong gumawa ng eskandalo rito, lalo na't alam kong walang pakialam si Zadkiel kahit mapahiya man ako.
Nakabuntot ako sa kanya habang bihasa niyang tinatahak ang pasikot-sikot ng mansiyon. He entered the first empty room in the hallway. Nang makapasok ay hinawakan niya ang nakabukas na pinto, hinihintay akong pumasok din.
When I entered, I realized we were in a music room. May puting grand piano kasi roon at iilang musical instruments. There was a large French window on the side where their wide front yard and the tall trees of La Fortuna could be seen.
"Speak," he commanded.
Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Sinabi ko na sa 'yo. Wala siyang ginawa sa akin."
"Did he take advantage of you?" he said in a straightforward manner, demanding a straightforward answer, too.
"Jameson's not that kind of person—"
"Yes or no, Celia."
"No..."
"Did he touch you?"
I pressed my lips in a thin line. Naalala ko ulit ang pagtama ng kamay ni Jameson sa mukha ko. It hurt so much, but the betrayal hurt so much more. Alam kong sinabi niyang hindi niya 'yon sinadya pero nandito pa rin ang sakit.
"Did he touch you?" ulit niya sa mariin na boses.
When I looked at Zadkiel, I saw how his eyes were red in anger. Umiling ako. Unti-unting dumaloy ang mga luha sa aking pisngi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako umiiyak. Ever since Jameson hit me last night, I felt like everyone was making all the decisions for me. First, Jameson, then Kuya Liam... and now, Zadkiel.
"Sagutin mo ako, Celia!"
"Don't tell me what to do!" I snapped.
He was caught off guard by my outburst.
"Can you all just stop it?! Lahat na lang kayo, pinangungunahan ako! I know you're all older than me! And yes, fine, better than me! More accomplished! More respected! Pero kailangan niyo ba talagang kontrolin ang lahat ng parte ng buhay ko?!"
I wiped my tears harshly. Umayos ng tayo si Zadkiel at tinitigan ako gamit ang mas kalmado nang mga mata ngayon.
"Yes, Jameson touched me! He kissed me! And yes, I let him do it! And then he hit me! No, I did not want him to do it! Sinampal niya ako kasi... natapon 'yong kape sa laptop niya. May importante siyang kliyente kaya nataranta siya nang mangyari 'yon. I was just trying to help him! Then he shouted at me... then he backhanded me..." Nanghina ako sa huling salita.
The fire in Zadkiel's eyes reignited. Mas matindi iyon ngayon. Napatalikod siya at napamura bago humarap ulit sa akin. I continued.
"He apologized and said it was an accident—"
"Bullshit! And you believed him?"
"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. See?" I smiled as if this was the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I can't even understand my own emotions! Ang dali kong malito. Kahit sarili ko hindi ko maintindihan! Alam mo kung bakit? Alam niyo kung bakit? Because every one of you dictates what I get to feel! The more you controlled me, the more I lost trust in myself!"
Kinusot ko ang dibdib ko kasi sumisikip ulit ito. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Akmang babagsak na ako sa sahig nang saluhin ako ni Zadkiel. Napasubsob ako sa kanyang dibdib. I cried softly.
"K-kahit ngayon lang, please. Don't tell me what to do. Kahit ngayong gabi lang. Kahit hanggang sa bumalik na ulit ako sa sarili ko. Kasi l-litong-lito na ako... I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I don't know if all the things that happened to me 'til now... even my achievements, experiences, dreams... are because of my own willpower... or because I was just a puppet being controlled by everyone else."
Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting paghigpit ng yakap ni Zadkiel sa akin. He rubbed my back to calm me down... and for the first time since he revealed his true colors to me, he was gentle. Pakiramdam ko para akong sanggol na hinehele.
"I'm so tired of it, K-Kiel," I admitted wholeheartedly and with every broken pieces of me. "I'm so tired of every 'No, Celia, that's not for you,' 'No, Celia, you can't,' 'No, Celia, that's not who you are.' Why does everyone else get to define me? Kailan naman 'yong p-pagkakataon kong magsalita para sa sarili ko? Puro na lang kayo... Kailan naman ako?"
This was the first time I ever told anyone about what it truly felt like to be me... the loved and protected Celia Martin. Everyone was envious of me. They thought I was living the life. Pero ito ang totoo.
Ang sikip. Walang espasyo sa buhay ko.
"Don't you all get it? I feel suffocated. I feel like a fraud. This version of me? It's not who I really am. It's who everyone wanted me to be. And I'm so tired of it... I'm so tired of it."