"If you're not in Gryffindor, we'll disinherit you," said Ron, "but no pressure."
"Ron!"
Lily and Hugo laughed, but Albus and Rose looked solemn.
"He doesn't mean it," said Hermione and Ginny, but Ron was no longer paying attention.
[...]
"So that's little Scorpius," said Ron under his breath. "Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank God you inherited your mother's brains."
"Ron, for heaven's sake," said Hermione, half stern, half amused. "Don't try to turn them against each other before they've even started school!"
"You're right, sorry," said Ron, but unable to help himself, he added, "Don't get too friendly with him, though, Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a Pureblood."
Harry had tried to keep silent for the sake of keeping the peace, but he couldn't stand it any longer. "Ron," he said through gritted teeth. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Ron gawped at him. Harry blamed the Firewhiskey. Ogden's Best was good in limited quantities, but not if you used it as your primary source of hydration. "Are you defending the Malfoys?"
"No, you idi- Purebloods. Are you forgetting something, Ronald Weasley?"
Ron frowned. Harry lost his temper.
"You're a Pureblood," he snarled, leaning close to Ron. "As is 'Granddad Weasley'. As is my wife - you know, your sister?" When he glanced back at Ginny, she was glaring daggers at her brother. "As was my father, as was my godfather, as are so many people in my life. Don't pull this posturing rot like you're so much better than the rest, Ron. Just because the Blood Purists wreaked so much havoc upon this world is no reason to toss all Purebloods in the same boat, especially because you're one!"
Ron looked taken aback for a moment, and then regained his confidence. "But I'm not like them," he asserted, puffing himself up. "I mean - I'm practically a Muggleborn myself." Now even his wife was shooting him an incredulous look, but he remained oblivious. "I've got a day or two a week I go slumming in Muggletown, I've got a few eletkreek things just like the Muggles do, I've got a real Muggle driver's license... I've even got a Muggleborn wife." He chuckled. From the expression on Hermione's face, Ron was much closer than he knew to getting a Muggleborn divorce. "I'm not like those bigoted, backwards Purebloods who don't keep up. I'm a real man of the times."
"I can't think of anything more bigoted and backward-Pureblood than threatening to disinherit your own daughter for going in the wrong House," Harry snapped, "which you were doing just a few minutes ago. The Blacks didn't do that, Ron. The Most Ancient & Pretentious House of Black."
"I didn't really mean it," Ron drawled. He looked down and elbowed his daughter, who looked as though she were attending her own funeral. "Not really," he said with a broad grin and nasty tone that said, actually, he did.
"Do you know, Ron, that I nearly 'wasn't in Gryffindor'?" Harry said through his teeth. Ron's head snapped up to look at him.
"What? You're making that up."
"The Sorting Hat originally suggested Slytherin," Harry said, looking his best friend - at this rate, former best friend, and it was some time coming - in the eye. "And do you know why I didn't go there, Ron? Because I was so repulsed by Draco Malfoy, and because you seemed like a decent bloke." He resisted the urge to add 'back then'. "If you'd been acting like you are now, I don't know where I would have gone - Hufflepuff? Ravenclaw? But definitely not to Gryffindor or Slytherin." He stood back and looked down at Rose, who looked up at him with wide eyes. "I'll support you no matter where you go, Rose." He glanced at his younger son. "That goes for you too, Albus. I don't know how long he's been pouring this poison in your ears, but the sort of person you become is infinitely more important than a mere Hogwarts house, and -"
"Don't tell me how to raise my bloody daughter!" Ron roared, cutting between him and Rose and screaming in Harry's face. "Mess up your own kids however you want, but Rose is going to Gryffindor, and that's final!"
"Mess up?" Harry asked, unable to suppress his laugh. "By telling her some adult's going to be on her side no matter-"
"Yes! I'm not going to have her live with a bunch of lousy Purebloods or unlovable bookworms or huff-and-puff losers-"
"Excuse me?" Hermione demanded, her face flushing. "What was that last one? About bookworms?"
He seemed to realize for a moment that he'd gone far too far, but then puffed himself up again and rounded on her. "Yeah, what about it? You had to know that without me, you'd have been loveless and alone. No one wants a woman who wants to make herself smarter than her husband. You'd have ended up a bitter old hag like Snape."
Hermione was, for once in her life, struck speechless. After several seconds, during which Ron looked smug and ice trickled down Harry's spine, a strange look stole over her face, and Harry was oddly reminded of memories he hadn't recalled in years: the cold, cruel sense of purpose that preceded murder...
"Hermione had quite a few takers," Harry said, keeping a close eye on his longtime friend over Ron's shoulder. As Auror Captain, he was obligated to prevent homicide if possible, no matter how much the victim was asking for it. "She still would if she was available. You were hardly -"
"I knew it!" Ron yelled, reddening. "You did have a thing for her! You bloody liar!"
Harry passed a hand over his eyes. "I told you then, and I told you now - no, I didn't," he said through his teeth, "but-"
"See?" Ron said triumphantly, grinning in relief. People were beginning to stare. Actually, Harry wondered how long people had been staring. Never mind that, Ron was still talking - "Even you didn't want her. Krum ditched her after a season - probably just had a thing for younger girls. No one who really gets to know her wants-"
"Silencio!"
Harry looked over his shoulder and saw his wife with her wand up. "Sorry," she said. "Figured I should do that before Hermione said something worse."
Ron was mouthing certain words at his sister that no man should tolerate being said to his wife. Only Harry's dubious skill at lip-reading held him back from decking Ron on the spot. "If you'd like to bunk at our house for a bit..." Harry offered to Hermione.
"I don't know," Hermione said meditatively, "perhaps Ron should take your offer? After all, I'm the one who earned the money for our house, I daresay..." She broke off and shook her head as Ron turned and made an obscene gesture at her. From the way she eyed him, that had given her ideas. "No, I wouldn't do that to you or Ginny. Your house it is."
"YOU BASTARD!" Ron roared, finally managing a nonverbal Finite. "You can't do this to me, you two-faced snake! I make the rules in my household! Not you! I-"
"You are the one throwing a screaming tantrum over your daughter maybe not going into Gryffindor and proclaiming that your own wife is unlovable!" Harry snarled through his teeth. "This has nothing to do with 'making the rules' and everything to do with decency!"
"I say what happens to my daughter and my son too, and my wife should be bloody grateful any man would have her-"
"Oh look, train's leaving soon," James said unexpectedly, coming up behind them; Harry wondered how long he'd been waiting there. Rose and Albus gratefully seized the opportunity and fled, with Rose ducking under her father's grabbing hand. Harry's stomach twisted at her obvious familiarity with the technique.
"Rose Hermione Weasley, you come back here right this-"
"Sorry, dad, can't stay around to chat!" Rose hollered, her trunk floating at her side as she hustled down the corridor. James stayed in the doorway, "casually" taking up as much space as possible. Albus lingered behind him, staring at his father.
"Dad, do you really mean what you said about it being okay, even if I don't go into-"
Harry nodded firmly. "Of course he does," Ginny said firmly, "and I do too. One of my best friends was in Ravenclaw, you know that? And we had loads of Hufflepuffs in Dumbledore's Army. And if your dad had been in Slytherin, he still would have been great-"
"You backstabbing excuse for a -"
"And there are morons in Gryffindor, too," she said loudly, "so go wherever you want to go! Good luck, Al! Good luck, James! Love you both! See you at Christmas!"
Harry joined in and waved, his other hand holding a wand on Ron. As the train began to move, their sons waved back, and Rose made a furtive reappearance to wave at her family - or her mother, more likely, at this point; Ron began to yell something about her being a no-good wench like her mother, whereupon Harry jabbed his wand into Ron's chest and Rose made an abrupt departure.
"I suppose that technically could have gone worse," Harry mused to Ginny. If Ron had actually swung for him, an assault charge on the spot would have made things worse.
"I'm getting a divorce," Hermione announced promptly, and Disapparated with Hugo. Ron gawped at the air where she had been, then whirled on Harry.
"You bloody little - Taking everything from me - I'll- "
Harry's Stunner collided with him before his fist could collide with Harry's face. He dropped like a sack of bricks. Harry sighed.
"Fate has a way of catching up with me when I say things like that."