I knew I'd be a lightweight the first time I decided to smoke weed, but I didn't realize it would start to hit me only a few minutes after my very first puff. However, as my body starts to sway unintentionally and my eyelids begin to feel heavier than ever, I realize something is certainly out of the ordinary.
Norah and Opal each take a swig of their drinks as an unfamiliar girl slides into our group and smiles at us like we've known each other forever. She's much shorter than I am—not that I'm very tall to begin with—and has pin-straight, dyed red hair down to just below her chest, which is one small slip away from being completely revealed if she's not careful with her bikini top. Her gorgeous facial features seem to be of some Asian descent and her skin is tan and smooth and I suddenly realize I've been staring at her for far too long.
"You guys are smoking over here?" the stranger asks us with a bright grin.
"Yeah, is that okay?" Opal double-checks, although the other girl looks anything but upset with us for it.
"Dude, of course it's okay. Do you mind if I join?"
Norah and Opal share a look that is cut short by Norah's gleaming smile. "Of course you can! Here!" She hands what's left of the joint to the new girl.
"What's your guys' names?" the girl asks as she takes a puff of the joint.
"I'm Norah and this is Opal," Norah answers instantly, naming us all off to her excitedly. "And this—" she links arms with me, "—is Cara!"
The girl smiles at us all but keeps her eyes glued to mine after Norah introduces me. "I'm Sasha," she seems to only introduce herself to me until she turns to the others. "Nice to meet you guys! And thank you."
Opal nods and Norah's smile is wide and appreciative when Sasha hands the joint back to her. Sasha turns to face me again and peers over into my half-empty cup before we meet eyes.
"What're you drinking?" she asks curiously. I clear my throat as a force of habit before I respond to her.
"Uh, Sex on the Beach," I tell her, somehow remembering what Aspen asked for at the bar despite my currently substance-altered brain. I glance down into the cup and then at my hands for a second, realizing I don't even recognize myself right now.
"Ooh, yummy," Sasha comments. "Can I try?"
I feel my head tilt and my facial expression shift to what I'm really thinking—which is should I be suspicious of this girl or is boundless kindness just normal party behavior and I'm simply not used to it? Either way, I'm somehow able to react to Sasha's question without trying to hide my true feelings and I'm finally understanding why people call alcohol a truth serum.
"I don't have any diseases or anything," she reassures me. "I swear."
I snicker at her comment and hand her my drink. "Here."
"Thanks," she says with a smile. She moves to grab my drink, but instead of taking the cup from me, she places her hands on top of mine and sips from the cup with my assistance. This part can't be normal, I think to myself, but I can't seem to move my hands or even tear my eyes away from her gaze. Our eyes are locked for the entire time it takes her to take a sip and I can feel my cheeks start to heat up as my hands begin to build sweat. Finally, she moves the cup from her lips and I can think straight again, but her confident smirk sends me into a confused panic all over again.
When I get my cup back, there's a ring of red lipstick on one side of the rim and I try my best not to make a big deal out of it, but I can't deny that I'm not used to any of this. At this point, there's no way Sasha's just being friendly, right? But even if she is flirting with me, is it normal for my heart to beat as fast as it is right now?
"You're adorable," Sasha says into my ear, just above a whisper. Shivers crawl up my spine.
"I, um—" I try to speak, but my nerves keep me from forming any actual sentences. "Thanks."
She giggles. "Have you ever been with a girl before?"
My breath hitches and I look over at Norah and Opal, who both seem to be just as confused as me. Opal is glaring at Sasha in clear skepticism and Norah's expression is almost impressed, with a huge smile of course. When they don't say anything, I look back at Sasha and continue to stutter and stammer at her intense eye contact.
"Um, no," I tell her truthfully. My body sways slowly while my high continues to take over. "No, I'm not really into girls."
"You sure?" she asks as she leans in closer to me and gently twirls a strand of my dark hair around her finger and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.
"Well, I—" my voice cracks as I try to respond, "I've never thought about it before."
"Here," she says as she reaches into the back pocket of her denim shorts. "Let me see your phone."
Without thinking, I willingly hand it over to her and she starts to type something into it. After a moment, she hands it back to me and smiles.
"Text me if you ever feel like exploring yourself a little," she tells me in a whisper right before she plants a soft kiss on my cheek. My breath catches once more in my throat as she starts to walk away and my eyes refuse to leave her swaying body. She joins a different group of girls who all look like they're cheering her on as a couple of them look over in my direction. When my heartbeat finally starts to slow down, I turn my attention back to the others and I'm shocked to see Aspen back with the group.
She crosses her arms and her voice is sour when she speaks. "Who was that?" she asks with a frown.
"Sasha," the three of us respond simultaneously, each in a different tone.
"She's so hot," Norah's voice comes out dreamy while she's on the verge of drooling and Opal just rolls their eyes.
"She is hot," I agree without thinking. Before tonight, I don't think those words ever would've escaped my lips—even in a friendly way, if that's even possible. But clearly, I'm not the same Cara Jasper when I'm under the influence.
"I thought you didn't like girls," Aspen scoffs, obviously confused, and rightfully so.
"I thought so too," I tell her with a tone more relaxed than I ever thought possible for a topic like this. Somehow my brain merely glosses over the fact that this is a major self-discovery point in my identity and my demeanor remains cool and collected. "But I guess they were right when they said college is the time for exploring."
She just shakes her head and takes a sip from her cup. "Do you guys wanna go back inside and dance?"
I inspect myself quickly, examining whether or not I feel calm enough to let loose on the dance floor. I swiftly come to the conclusion that since my body is numb and my brain is fuzzy, there couldn't possibly be a better time for me to go crazy and dance right now.
We move as a pack through the crowd inside to get to the center of the dance floor, where bodies are pressed against one another tightly despite the mansion being so spacious. It's the hottest and most humid part of the entire house and I'm starting to realize why people always come to these things half-naked.
The DJ plays a mix of popular songs from all genres—I think at one point the music transitioned from "Party in the USA" to "Gas Pedal," which are both musical phenomenons of the 2010s, but objectively targeted at two different crowds. I take one last sip of the drink that's been in my hand since we arrived and I glance over at Aspen with a pleading look in my eyes.
She's dancing carelessly, swaying her hips to the rhythm of the music and closing her eyes with a relaxed smile I haven't seen in months—if not years. Her braids shift along her back flawlessly as she moves along to the song and I finally notice that she can't see me begging her with my eyes to get me a refill when she has hers closed. So I tap her shoulder politely, hoping it captures her attention.
Instead of opening her eyes and looking at me, though, she leans her head closer in my direction. She just turns her ear to my lips, awaiting my question with her eyes pressed shut.
"Uh..." My voice immediately stammers when her face gets into such close proximity to mine and I can feel my caked face start to heat up.
Finally, she opens her eyes to stare at me, and my breath hitches when I'm close enough to see that her eyes are closer to a light hazel color rather than the deep brown I'd always assumed them to be.
Aspen seems to notice the shift in my attitude, backing away from me slightly so as to not freak me out, but she remains close enough to still hear what I need to say.
"What's up?" she asks.
"Can you get me a refill?" I hold my cup out and ask her nicely, realizing about two seconds too late that I forgot to add in a please.
But she simply narrows her eyes at me and looks me up and down. "Already finished?"
I nod. "It's really good. Probably my new favorite drink."
"Not allowed." She shakes her head in disapproval. "It's already mine."
"Don't be ridiculous." I nudge her with my elbow, smiling more than I'm used to.
"Okay, fine," she gives in with an exaggerated sigh that I can hear even over the music. "I also need a refill anyway."
I feel myself frown. "Wouldn't that be your third drink? Are you sure that won't be too much?"
For a moment, her face remains a gentle mixture of puzzled and intrigued, until she chuckles and grabs my cup from me. "Don't you worry about me, Jasper. I'm a big girl—I can hold my liquor."
My mouth refuses to let out anything my brain is thinking and I just nod instead, continuing to nod my head to the music. Somehow, when I look back at Norah and Opal, they've completely changed. I guess sometime in the minute of conversation Aspen and I shared, Norah has cultivated a collection of over-the-top neon accessories like bright yellow dollar store sunglasses and those Mardi Gras bead necklaces that come in colors that should never have been reintroduced to modern society. There's a bright pink cowboy hat lined with faux hot pink feathers atop her head and at least a dozen glow-in-the-dark bracelets on her wrists.
Opal is beside her, completely gone by now. Not only can I actually see them smile for once, but they've also begun dancing on some girl who seems way too drunk for her own good. And when I start to consider how fun it actually looks, I begin to think maybe I'm also a little too drunk for my own good. Sober Cara would never think about dancing on someone, let alone another girl.
Aspen returns swiftly with our drinks in her hands and I thank whatever god looking down upon me right now for the heaven-sent distraction from my thoughts—another Sex on the Beach. I take the cup from her with an appreciative smile and start downing it until I feel a hand gently grasp my arm.
"Whoa, slow down there, tiger," Aspen's voice croons into my ears. I can't stop my eyes from staring at her hand on my skin, which she clearly notices in no time. She takes her hand back and uses it to push her braids behind her ear. Then she gestures to Norah and Opal with a nod. "What happened here?"
I shrug. "I'm just as lost as you are."
She holds her cup out for me and I take the opportunity excitedly, tapping the brim of my cup against hers softly. From there, the rest of the night is filled with dancing and screaming song lyrics until our throats are unfathomably dry, right up until Opal decides it's time to head back to campus. We crawl into the Uber, still engrossed in the party buzz, and as soon as we make it to the dorm, we are instantly hit with a wave of exhaustion.
All four of us fall asleep impossibly quickly, waking up with minor to nonexistent hangovers. The only one really suffering is Norah, who is an absolute baby the morning after a party, we realize.
We all make sure she's taken care of, though; especially since she's supposed to meet with her friend from class today to study for their exam tomorrow. It caught me off guard at first since classes haven't started yet, but then I remind myself she and Opal are finishing up their summer classes.
"How are you feeling?" Aspen asks me a few minutes later as we both finish up some school-mandated documents at our separate desks. I turn to look at her but find her eyes to be glued to her screen. How is she asking me a question but refusing to look at me when I answer her? Just when I thought we were starting to maybe get along.
"Fine," I respond with the bare minimum before turning back around. If she doesn't want to look at me, I don't owe her anything more.
"You sure?" she pushes, this time turning her chair to face me. "You were pretty crossed last night."
"I wasn't acting any differently than I normally do."
She snickers. "Yeah, okay."
Despite my internal voice begging me not to egg her on, I feel my eyebrows furrow on my forehead as I swivel my seat around. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Aspen just crosses her arms and frowns. "Do you not remember last night?" When I don't respond, she continues. "You basically turned into a saint. I actually saw you smile for once. And dance."
"You say that like I'm some soulless, fun-hating demon."
Instead of responding with some rendition of no, not at all! or that's not what I mean, Aspen just tilts her head to the side with an expression that beckons me to second-guess my opinion of myself.
"Wow," I sigh in a combination of defeat and wounded disbelief. "Thanks, Aspen. Real nice of you to say."
"Cara, that's not what I—"
"I'm gonna go shower," I cut the conversation short and gather some clothes and a towel. My mind wanders over the reality that I remember every detail of last night, no matter how much I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach when I remember that Sasha girl who flirted so transparently with me.
Now that Sober Cara is back, my vision is clearer than ever, and I can fully confirm, without a doubt, that the heat in my cheeks right now is not from the unfriendly conversation I just had with Aspen, but rather from the unfamiliar thoughts I keep having surrounding Sasha ever since last night. Before this, I never thought it even possible for me to feel so curious about someone like this—woman or not. But now... now I'm starting to see things a little differently.
**disclaimer**
again, i do NOT condone underage smoking and/or drinking!! please use substances safely babes <3