I walked all the way to Cromwell, almost getting lost as I haven't been to visit in the past few weeks. As I got in, I didn't bother sneaking because they were very lenient here compared to Windsor. Figures.
I went into their room and was pacing in their living space. His room was far left and I finally got the courage to approach it.
I knocked once, no answer and as I went to knock a second time the door opened abruptly. He was shirtless and wearing joggers, smoke in hand and looked dead tired. He obviously wasn't expecting me because he straightened himself, exhaling his smoke away from me.
"Lucy," he said, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see if you were okay."
"Oh."
"Are you?"
"Yeah."
"Bullshit," I said, firmly.
"What?" He protested, taking another drag, still not letting me in his room. "You want me to tell you?"
"Yes, that is why I'm here," I said, crossing my arms.
"Well you shouldn't be."
"Why not?"
"I didn't come today because I am distancing myself."
"From who? Me? Why?"
"So I can sort out my feelings so that everything can go back to normal."
"But you're not sorting out your feelings. You're not sleeping, you're smoking non-stop and I presume that means you haven't eaten."
"Have you?"
"We're talking about you?"
"I have a process, let me continue it."
"No. I won't leave until you stop trying to avoid me by being an ass."
"It wasn't working?" He asked, and I just stood there, arms still crossed.
"Just let me in, and you don't need to be alone, regardless of your feelings." He hesitated for a moment and let me in. There were clothes on the floor and it reeked of cigarette, which gave me a thought.
I stepped out of my shoes and shrugged off my coat, letting it drop somewhere on the floor, leaving me in my flared pants and a thick long sleeve. I opened his window before propping myself on his bed where he joined next to me, still smoking.
"Don't tell your brother I'm smoking with you here."
"Why not?"
"He'll kill me."
"So. I am his age and he smokes, so why can't I?" He ignored me.
"Regardless of your brother, you don't even like smokes."
"I don't know that, I've never tried them," I said, watching him take a drag. He looked at me suspiciously.
"Absolutely not."
"Oh, come on, it's not like I'm going to become addicted after one drag."
"No."
"Pretty please," I said, batting my eyelashes.
"I said no," he repeated. "And don't do that."
"Okay, how bout this, I won't take a drag, you can just blow the smoke in my mouth."
"Why do you want to all of a sudden."
"I don't know, I just want to try it, it may be better than other coping mechanisms." This comment made him deep breathe.
"Fine, but just stay still and inhale." I nodded. We got closer, all but an inch separated out lips and he took a drag and blew the smoke in my mouth as I inhaled. I felt like coughing instantly but I surpassed that urge and I just deep breathed, feeling the smoke travel all throughout my body.
"Not, bad, I just don't think I'll be doing that regularly."
"Good."
"On occasion of course."
"No." We sat, staring at each other, and all of a sudden I was very aware of how close we were. How he was shirtless. I glanced down at him briefly, taking him in, and the strangest thing happened further down from my stomach. I looked away and crossed my legs, contemplating what just happened.
I looked back at him and thought of something.
"One more time and then that's it."
"Just so that you stop talking about this," he said and inhaled, getting close to me. I know he said not to move, but I got closer, feeling the warmth emanating off of his lips. I realised I was getting turned on. Which was the first time this has ever happened with Cohen. I was contemplating a lot more now.
He moved back as soon as we finished still looking down at me. He butt out the cigarette and faced me.
I looked up at him now, through different eyes. His face was so defined and sharp, I always thought it was intimidating. But right now he looked so harmless. His hair was always so messy but suited him and I got the sudden urge to run my fingers through it. His eyes... well, I've always loved his eyes.
He turned his head away hastily, "why did you look at me that way?"
"What do you mean?"
"You looked at like- like- I don't know. It was different."
"I know it was different, because I'm seeing you different," I said softly. He got up from the bed.
"What are you doing? You said- you said that you didn't feel that way. Why is it different now?"
"I don't know it just is."
"No, don't say things like that. Because once you say it back to me, then there's no stopping it."
"What if I told you that I may have feelings for you?"
"Luce, no, you don't mean it."
"I do. I've had time to think, and I've thought over our time together this past month, I'm sure." He walked around to my side of the bed.
"You've done it now."
"I have," I said, and he nodded, leaning down to me and coming on the bed.
"You say 'stop' if something is uncomfortable." I nodded and he paused looking up at me.
"I will say stop if I'm uncomfortable." He continued coming on top of me. Whatever was happening seemed to fit. It felt good. It felt right.
"So you like me huh," he teased seductively. He was on top of me now, our faces inches apart.
"Couldn't resist you I suppose," I replied.
With that he leaned down slowly and met his lips with mine. For a moment we just felt our lips on one another and then began kissing. His taste fit with mine and after a moment or so I couldn't get enough of him.
Fireworks were being let off in my brain and my hands snaked from his waist and up to his hair. He broke the kiss to meet my eyes.
"Do that again," he said and I slowly brought my hands back down to his waist and brought them up slowly. He closed his eyes and I lifted myself so that I could meet his lips. It was the most carnal kiss I've ever experienced, and every time he broke it I wanted him again.
His lips trailed and nibbled down my neck and behind my ear, the feeling was euphoric and I pulled him into me with my fingertips on his back. He groaned in my neck and I the same in his ear.
He met my face, and smiled hungrily down at me, "we should stop."
"Why," I said, regrettably a little too whiny. He huffed a laugh and dropped next to me.
"Because I won't be able to control myself," he said and I moved myself so that I laid on top of him, feeling the bulge in his pants at my lower stomach.
"Is that so bad?" I asked, hinting at his arousal.
"Ignore it, and it goes away," he joked and I laughed. "And yes, it would be bad, because I want to do this right. It's you." I lifted my head from where it laid on is chest to meet his lips, full of want. We were kissing softly, wanting to feel each other.
I felt as if I had no worries whatsoever. Right here, right now, I felt so full, so happy. As I laid back down on him I kept my eyes closed, still enjoying him.
"Mmm." I opened my eyes now, meeting his brown ones.
"And here I thought you just thought of me as a friend."
"Don't tease, it's your fault."
"I did nothing wrong."
"You're right, this is perfect." I cuddled my arms around his torso and wrapped my legs in his.
"I guess I should get used to this," he said, his arms hugging around my back.
"Mhm," I mumbled.
"Thank you," he said, and I looked up at him.
"For what?"
"Thinking about it, otherwise I wouldn't get to have you, like this."
"Then I'm thanking myself too," I said and he laughed. We laid with each other, relishing the feeling of us like this. Because this has never happened before. It's completely new to both of us.
As we were smiling at one another, we heard the door of their dorm open and close. We both froze and then we heard my brother yell out and knock on the door.
"Hey mate, you up?" He asked through the door. Cohen had picked me up and got me off the bed.
"Bathroom, close the door."
"My coat and shoes."
"Fuck," he muttered and rushed over to get them.
"Cohen?" My brother yelled again.
"In a sec mate," he yelled back as he gave me my things. I went in the bathroom, closing the door.
"What's up," I heard Cohen say. I almost couldn't hear.
"Nothing, I was just checking on you."
"Oh, well, I'm good."
"No you're not, you've been holed up in here all night and day. Even my sister looked worried." I cursed my brother, and I swear I heard Cohen laugh.
"Well, I'm good, just insanely tired."
"You look tired. You seem happier though. Alright, I'll leave you, we're getting coffees now with everyone after Blake's meet." My brother is going to hang out with Blake, Eleanor, Dillon and Miles?
"And you're going?" Cohen asked, surprised, which was completely understandable.
"Uh, yeah, Eleanor told me there's a smoking area at the place we're going."
"Eleanor?" Cohen questioned again.
"Yeah. I know you probably don't, but would you happen to know where Lucy is?" Fuck.
"Um, no, I don't know- I haven't uh... seen her. Sorry mate." Idiot.
"All good, I didn't expect you to, I was just checking. She mentioned having plans with a friend which I thought was odd. Maybe It's that guy from her English class, I think they're shagging." Cohen coughed.
"Alright, well, see you mate." I heard the door close and then the bathroom door opened. I walked out, dropping things on the floor again.
He grabbed my face and kissed me abruptly and when he pulled back, he kept his hands cupping my face, his thumbs tracing along either side of my jaw.
"What was that for?"
"The English guy comment."
"Ah, Bradley."
"No, English guy," he repeated and I laughed.
"I should go."
"Why," he said quickly as I went over to put on my shoes and grab my coat.
"Because, Gray will probably head past my dorm later to check if I'm okay."
"Are you?"
"Yeah, and you are the main reason for it," I said walking over to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he hugged me back. As we parted he kissed my forehead.
"I may hate myself for asking this, but I need to know, what is this exactly?" I laughed at the fact that he was worried.
"Well, I think we should just let this play out you know."
"Yes, but what are we doing?"
"Oh, you mean like feelings and attraction and stuff," he nodded. "Well, this isn't just friends with benefits," I though for a moment and concluded. "You know what? Let's not label anything right now, I mean it's not like we're strangers."
"Okay, but am I allowed to do this?" He asked and interlaced our hands.
"Why wouldn't you be allowed?"
"That was just a warm up." He said and then his hands went to my waist under my coat and around to my lower back. Then they went a little lower. I smiled up at him.
"Enjoying yourself?" I teased.
"I think the question is, are you enjoying yourself." He squeezed and leaned down and kissed me softly. I stood back, regaining balance.
"You said slow, so I'm going to go." I went for the door and he stopped me, cupping my waist. I noticed that was a common spot for him to hold me.
"Come back tonight."
"How? My brother."
"I'll come to you."
"You sure?"
"You don't want me to?" He asked.
"Hmm, no come please, I slept really well when you stayed."
"Oh really?"
"Mhm, now let me go, my love."
"Call me that again."
"My love," I said, amused that anything I do turns him on. He lowered himself to kiss me hastily and I broke it laughing. I ruffled his hair and went to the door, "I'll see you later, come after 9:30, the girls are in their rooms by then," he nodded, gazing after me in desperation.
This was good, I thought on my way back.
<><><><><><><>
I was back at the dorm, stirring my tea, and all of a sudden I hear both a guy and a girl laughing. At first I thought it was Dillon and Miles, which I was smiling about. But then when they came in I met with Eleanor and the last person on earth I thought I'd ever see her with. My brother. And worse, they were laughing with each other, not at each other.
"Oh, hey Lucy," Eleanor said, a little awkwardly. Then my brother who seemed never to get awkward or embarrassed, walked over to me looking awkward and embarrassed.
"Luce, you're alive. Where have you been?" He asked.
"Well, I met up with my friend, and then I came back here. Where did you guys go?"
"After the meet, the four of us went to get coffee," Eleanor said, assessing my reaction.
"I went for the smoking."
"Ah, makes sense," I said, still confused. "Well, I'm pretty tired so I was going to go to my room, I'll leave you guys." I was so curious to what this was. Did my brother come back with her to check on me? Or were they actually having a good time with each other?
"Night," Eleanor said.
I gave her a curious smile, "night, Len. Gray," I added. Once I was into my room and the door was closed I put my ear to it so I could eavesdrop.
"I had fun today, which was weird," I heard Len say.
"I know, I didn't want to stab my eye out, crazy" my brother replied. He really made me wonder how the hell he got girls by the way he speaks to them.
"Funny, well I guess I'll see you at breakfast," she said.
"Yeah, I'll see you." I heard footsteps.
"Oh, and I liked the way you did your hair today," I heard Len add quickly, and my jaw dropped. If she was interested in someone, she would always compliment their hair. Dillon and I never knew if she was aware, but we knew and we would joke about it. But my brother. Ew.
The front door closed but I heard footsteps come to my door, so I ran away and went to my drawers, pretending to get clothes for a shower.
"Hey, Luce, can I come in?"
"Yeah." She came in slowly, and laid on my bed. "What's up?" I asked, laying next to her. Whenever she was overthinking about someone she would come to my room and lie on my bed, so I knew it was important.
"I don't know. Did you see that? We were being nice to each other." I realised now, what was happening.
Their passionate hate was now drifting to the other side of the love-hate line. I knew it would come. I remember calling it as soon as they met. He had bumped into her when I was introducing them, and because he doesn't like to look weak or stupid he immediately teased her so he didn't look bad. And Eleanor being Eleanor, she acted the same way back.
"Oh, Len, you guys like each other." She practically jumped off the bed.
"Absolutely not!" I sat up and faced her as she paced back and forth.
"Why not?" I asked.
"We hate each other!" She protested and went on. "I mean, for years now. He is annoying, and he just sits there and doesn't talk to anyone but Cohen or you, and he is an ass. His remarks to me are horrible as well, I do have to give him credit though, he thought up a good tease the other day. But still! It's- it's just not right."
"What if it's exactly right."
"Where is this coming from?"
"I've always seen it. Hate is just another word for love." She stopped pacing and looked at me.
"I've never told you this but when I first met him I thought he was the hottest guy I've ever seen, but then he called my outfit stupid so I hated him from then on. But he hates me too Luce! He'll never like me.
"He doesn't like how I party, how I drink, how I dress, he's never been interested in my musicals or coming to my soccer games. He gives me dirty looks whenever I smoke or vape with Blake." She had rambled and was now catching her breath.
"You are so adorable. You've liked him all these years." She scowled at me and I laughed. "Also, don't you think that maybe he just pretends to hate everything you do to annoy you. He teases you about all these things because he likes them about you. I also think that he is disgusted when you smoke with Blake, not because you smoke, but because of how close you are with him."
"But Blake and I aren't-"
"I know that, but he doesn't."
"Hmm, interesting." She stood there, contemplating, and then turned her attention towards me. "So what's going on with you and Cohen. Do you finally like him?"
"What do you mean?"
"Cohen has been in love with you forever. Ever since I met him it was obvious. He practically had the words 'I love Lucy' tattooed on his forehead."
"Then I guess we're both clueless. But I'm not sure what to do. We've admitted it to each other, but the only thing we're stressed about is my brother."
"But, do you know what's better, you can be mad at him for getting in with your best friend, who is me, and then he won't be that mad about you and his best friend ."
"I can't believe this is happening," I noted and she nodded.
"I know, we're all old now, so it's more serious." We both thought about it for a moment and then I looked at her smiling.
"So you want to get in with him huh?" I teased.
"Oh shove off," she said before walking out and I laughed.
My brother and my best friend.
I guess it's good timing, because It doesn't phase me because I like his closest friend. What a day.
I got up from the bed, checking my clock. It was just after 9, so I went over to my dresser, grabbed shorts and a long sleeve, some underwear and headed into the bathroom.
I had a long hot shower, the water was burning my skin. I was thinking about everything. My feelings for Cohen, us sneaking around, my brother and best friend liking each other and my mental health.
Everything was just weighing down on me.
I started to panic so I turned off the water and hastily got dressed after drying myself and towel-drying my hair. I was pacing in my room and stressing, then I remembered Cohen.
It was half-past so I went outside and opened the front door, seeing him outside. When I saw him I exhaled and hid myself in his arms.