I woke up with a headache and a bed too cold for my liking. I didn't dare to open my eyes, scared to confirm this feeling of loneliness that crept up on me. I tossed and turned, hoping that I would brush against an arm, a leg, or anything that would reassure me and shut down the sickening feeling that was starting to grow in my gut. But I didn't, and the feeling grew, the panic started, and the tears threatened to fall.
But before the first tear could slip from my eyes, I heard a noise, a sizzling sound in the kitchen. I waited, holding in my breath and keeping my body still. The sizzling sound continued to be heard, joined by the sound of cooking pans hitting each other and a small 'fuck' being involuntarily shouted.
Swiftly, I pulled the covers away from my body, ignoring my pounding headache and my bare legs, and made my way to the kitchen.
I smelled the burned food before I saw it lying on a plate in the middle of the counter. Eggshells, flour bags and dirty dishes were scattered across the counter and I almost wondered if there had been a war in my kitchen. Then I saw Harry, his back to me, trying to flip a pancake but failing miserably. His muscles were tense and the frustration was clear as he sighed, put down the pan and turned off the stove.
I watched him from the kitchen entrance as he ran a hand through his hair, defeated by the stubborn pancake that just wouldn't flip properly. A small smile played on my lips as I observed the scene in front of me, my headache long gone.
"I don't know why you keep trying," I said with a teasing tone in my voice, startling Harry as he jumped two feet in the air and turned around to look at me. His eyes were wide with surprise and his cheeks red with embarrassment. "You and I both know you're an awful cook."
It took him a second to register what I had said, and then his shoulders relaxed and his hands, that had froze mid air, fell to his side. "I followed every step of the recipe," he mumbled, his eyebrows pulled together. "It still didn't work."
He bit his lower lip, surely to restrain himself from pouting, and I chuckled softly before entering the kitchen and taking in the mess. It seemed even worst from up close.
"I wanted to make pancakes," he explained as he saw me looking around.
I turned my head to look at him. "I assumed that," I said before taking the half burned pancakes that was still on the stove and putting it in the trash.
"I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed," he added as I closed the trashcan.
I froze for a second, my heart beating ten times faster and my lungs restraining me from breathing. This was an incredibly sweet gesture, especially coming from Harry.
"Well," I said, my voice breaking a little. I coughed to clear my throat. "I'm definitely surprised," I said as I finally turned around.
I tried to put a smile on my face and ignore the nervous feeling that was starting to grow. Before Harry could notice it, I turned back around and put the pan in the sink to rinse it.
I knew what I had told him yesterday, I remembered saying that we would talk about us today, but I wasn't ready yet, and something told me that neither was Harry. As sweet as the gesture was, him and I both knew that it was meant to be a distraction, a way to push back as much as possible the dreaded discussion we were meant to have.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked as I scrubbed the pan to get rid of the burnt chunks that clung to it.
I heard him move behind me before he stood near me to pick up the mess he had created. "Yes, very well," he said, avoiding my gaze as he went to the fridge to put the eggs, milk and butter back in. "You?"
"Yeah," I replied keeping my concentration on the pan.
I scrubbed the pan in silence until it was almost good as new, my hands crisped from holding on so tightly to the handle and the sponge. I sighed as I released the pan in the sink, making a loud sound. Harry turned his head in my direction, but I kept my eyes on the pan.
"I thought you had left," I admitted as a heavy silence fell between us.
Harry walked towards me, stopping a few feet away from me, hesitating if he could touch me or not and deciding that he shouldn't. "I would never have, Em," he whispered, tilting his head so that he would catch a glance at my face.
I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. "You just weren't there, and I thought- I thought you had, and it made me sick, and-"
Harry reached for me, pulling me into his chest and encircling me in his arms. "Shhh. I'm here, I didn't leave. Why would I leave?" He whispered into my hair as he held me tightly against him.
"I don't know. I thought you got scared, that you realized you couldn't do this or that you didn't want this anymore," I mumbled, my lips pressed against his chest.
"No Em, if anything, I realize how much I want to fix us, how much I want this," he said as he pulled away slightly and released me with one arm so that he could caress face with the back of his hand. "You have always been important to me, Em, but these past few days made me realize just how important you were to me. Not just the three days we spent without talking to each other, but from the moment I broke your heart, I knew that I had denied just how much you meant to me. I fucked up, I fucked up so badly, but I'm trying to fix it.
"I have to admit that I did get scared this morning, but not in the way you think. I got scared that you were going to say that you didn't want me anymore, so I thought that I had one last chance to prove that I wanted this and I tried to make you pancakes that turned out to be shit, because I can't do anything right, but I wanted to make something for you. Something that would make you smile. But instead you're crying again."
"Oh, Harry," I said, untangling my hands from behind his back and cradling his face, caressing his cheeks with my thumb. "You really mean that?"
"I do, Em. I do," he whispered before leaning in to rest his forehead against mine. "How about you, what do you think about that?" He asked with eyes filled with fear.
I wasn't expecting us to tackle the subject yet, I thought that we would walk around it for a few hours and eventually discuss it. It surprised me to say the least and left me speechless for a second as I gathered my thoughts and my courage.
"About trying?" I asked my voice uncertain. Harry nodded. "I want that," I admitted. "I can't let you go and I can't pretend that I don't want you as more than a friend."
Harry's eyes stared into mine, slowly lighting up as each words came out of my mouth. The corner of his lips turned upward as one of his hands ran softly through my hair.
"So we're doing it?" Harry asked, the fear that appeared in his eyes replaced by hope. "You're giving me a chance?"
I nodded and immediately, before I could even register what was happening, Harry's lips pressed against mine. It was delicate, it was quick, but it made my knees shake and took my breath away.
My eyes opened as Harry pulled away. They looked at him, wide with surprise as his had a playfulness in them that was hard to resist.
"I'm sorry," he said with a shy smile. "It was too hard to resist."
I mirrored his smile before pulling away. Sadly, I knew that we needed more than this to be fine; I needed more than this. I needed explanations, I needed promises and a little bit of time before we actually made this official.
"But," I started to say and immediately Harry's smile fell. I reached for his hands again and took a step closer to reassure him. "I think there's a lot to be talked about first. I can't just overlook everything."
Harry sighed in relief, surly he thought that what I was going to say was going to be much worse. "Of course," he replied. His hands released mine and slide across my arm before reaching my shoulders and going down to my hips. "What do you want to talk about?"
He pulled me towards him as he took a few steps back and leaned on the counter behind him. I put my hands on his chest and looked up so that I could see his eyes.
I sighed, not really knowing where to start. It was still early in the morning and the conversation felt too heavy already, so I decided to ask a simple question that had ran around in my head since the dreaded event.
"Why didn't you call me like you said you would?"
"Because I wasn't ready," he admitted. "I know that you heard a few things that would spark your curiosity and that you would want to talk about it," he added with his eyes casted down.
"About your family?"
He nodded. "I didn't want you to know," he whispered.
I felt him hesitating as he answered and it led me to my next question. "Do you want me to know now?"
He stayed silent, his gaze avoiding mine. His lower lip was pulled in as he nervously chewed on it, stalling for time. I waited, not wanting to rush him. I knew that I was walking on eggshells, that this was a sensitive topic, but I felt like it was the key to everything, I needed to know.
"No," he finally replied, avoiding once again to meet my eyes.
I stayed silent for a second, "Why not?"
"Because I feel like it would change everything," he said through his teeth, anger slowly rising within him. "You wouldn't see me the same, you wouldn't treat me the same and you'd try to fix it, when I don't want it to be fixed."
"Harry," I said with a soft voice, holding his shirt in my fists before leaning in to press my lips on the skin that showed. "Nothing that happened could change the way I see you or treat you, and if you don't want me to try and fix it, I won't."
His arms held me tighter, forcing me to rest my head on his shoulder. "Em, you and I both know you wouldn't be able to do that."
I sighed, knowing that he was probably right. "I just want what's best for you, Harry."
"And you're amazing for that," he said before pressing a delicate kiss on my forehead. "But this is impossible to fix."
I laid my body against his, kissing the skin that my lips could reach without moving. We stayed in that position for a minute. I tried to find the best way to contradict him.
"I hate that you think that way," I admitted with a small voice before kissing his skin again. "I'm sure it can be fixed, you've just kept it inside for too long and never talked about it so it seems unfixable now, but it probably isn't."
I tried to reason with him, get him to open up, but it seemed to be doing the opposite. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," he replied, his hand tightening momentarily around my shoulders. "It's upsetting me and I don't want to fight with you."
"So we're just going to avoid this topic forever?" I asked, pulling away so that I could look at him properly.
"I hope so, yeah," he said frankly.
This time I pulled away fully. "It can't work that way, Harry," I warned. "If you want this, if you want us, I don't want anymore secrets. Maybe asking for you to tell me right now isn't reasonable, but eventually?"
"Em, I'm trying to move past it, I don't want to talk about it," he sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.
Well, clearly you've been doing a shit job at it. I thought but kept it in, because I saw no use in saying it out loud. We were already in a rocky situation, after nearly ten minutes of agreeing that we were going to fix us. We weren't off to such a good start and my faith in us faltered.
"Harry," I mumbled before getting closer to him and hiding my face in his neck again. "I want us, I so desperately want us that I'd do anything for it, but I can't work on this alone."
"You're not in this alone, Em. I'm in it, fully, I promise."
"Then promise me this," I said, pulling away so that I could look into his eyes. "I won't pressure you into telling me if you're not ready, but I need to know that you'll be open to eventually discuss it. I promise it won't change anything between us."
"Em," he whispered tightening his hold against me as he reached forward to press his forehead against mine, closing his eyes in the process.
"Please Harry," I pleaded, my lips brushing against his, working what I had left.
With ever brush of my lips against his, I felt his determination fade. I slid my hands across his chest and behind his neck.
"I need this, Harry. Please."
He opened his eyes, staring deep into mine. "Eventually," he agreed before leaning in and sealing his lips with mine.
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Slow progress, but still progress :) Liked it ? What's to come ?
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Love you loads,
Karry xx.