I wake late the next day, blinking into the blazing light filtering through the glass wall of my bedroom. A dull throb between my eyes bids me good morning and I groan, burying my head back in the pillow.
I dress and accept a cup of coffee from Sera, waving off her offer of food and making my way to the balcony, sipping my drink.
Looking out over the spiralling chaos of the City, I can't help but feel that everything looks at once the same and entirely different. People stroll through the alleyways and between buildings, shouts of greeting and a hum of conversation intermingling in the hot afternoon air, the same sounds that have greeted me every day of my life.
Today, though, the familiar sounds fill me with sadness. I cannot bear the sight of all those people, cheerfully carrying on with their business, even knowing that a war wages outside our newly-fragile Wall. We have been entrusted to keep them safe, despite every instance of our failure. Down there, in every cranny of my beloved City there are brave, honest people. People who have taken up roughshod weapons when we asked it of them, who stood up to hundreds of years of oppression and took back what was owed. Time and time again they have proven their loyalty and their faith in us. When the Wall fell they bodily pushed the Wasters from our home. When we turned around and asked for an alliance with the Wasters instead, my people put their trust in our judgement and placed their prejudice aside. They truly believe that Meg, Will and I can protect them and their children from harm.
The weight of thousands of lives presses down on my shoulders and the scorching between my eyes burns anew. I place my cup down on the ground and clamber up onto the ledge of the balcony, gripping the handlebar draped over the line of rope.
I take a steadying breath, grasping onto the moment of anticipation that seizes me, the great gift that jumping gives to my soul. I leap, pushing off of the glass ledge and sailing weightlessly along the length of the rope down to the Palace's outer wall. The fall only lasts a few precious seconds but I savour them with a savage ferocity. In a world of uncertainty, I can still have this one thing. This one freedom that is all my own.
My feet hit the top of the outer wall with a soundless precision and I immediately swing down, dropping onto the side opposite. I dodge the various horses and pedestrians dotting the street, feeling myself a part of the crowd. Slipping effortlessly through the familiar throng I arrive at the base of one of the former Court buildings and leap up it's facade, picking my way towards the roof.
Once I am situated on top of the building I turn in the direction of the army compound and take off running. I give in to my instincts, letting my heart and limbs carry me from rooftop to rooftop, propelling me over the familiar streets and alleyways. The hot desert breeze licks my skin and soothes my pulsing headache, returning strength to my tired body.
I reach the gates of the compound all too soon. The field is littered with City soldiers and Waster warriors, sparring against one another using a variety of weapons. The ringing of steel meeting heavy wood and intermingling with fierce battle cries fills my ears. As I make my way around the gate I catch glimpses of spears, staffs and swords; a virtual smorgasbord of fighting styles and stances.
After hopping the fence I trace the perimeter of the field, making my way towards the front. Jaron and Will are speaking with an assorted group of Wasters and Miners, their voices too low for me to make out at this distance. I lean back against the gate, turning my face up towards the sun and shutting my eyes against the afternoon light. The chief and the commander have likely been awake for hours and are already in the midst of recruiting people for our scouting party to the Madam's base.
I open my eyes and blink the spots of light from my vision, gazing back out over the field. Luca is sparring with a Miner woman, moving agilely out of the way of her sword and spinning in place, bringing his staff down on her weapon and knocking it from her hands, at once stooping to retrieve it for her.
I watch him for several moments, my mind wandering until I realize that he has caught my eye and is staring back at me. He excuses himself from his partner and begins making his way across the field towards me, sidestepping the other soldiers with an easy grace that appears almost second-nature.
"You are awfully energetic today." I remark, stifling a yawn.
"I have never felt more ready for anything in my life." Luca bounces on the balls of his feet, untying and retying the knot in his hair. "Finally, we are making some progress."
"Finally." I echo, dully. I can understand why Luca would be anxious but I, for one, feel as though I could use a break from the unfolding developments. Since the destruction of the Wall there hasn't been a moment of peace.
"Have Jaron and Will found everyone they need?" I incline my head towards the chief and the commander, directing Luca's attention.
"Yes." Luca stretches one wiry arm over his chest, pulling it taught. "A dozen Miners and a dozen Wasters will travel through the tunnels. Two Wasters will travel aboveground."
"Only two?" I furrow my brow, glancing up at him.
"Less people will be more difficult for the air machines to spot from above." Luca switches arms and stretches out the other limb.
"Makes sense." I look back towards Will and Jaron. "I assume the two of us have drawn the short straws?"
"If that is a way to say we are lucky, then yes." Luca's nervous energy is beginning to get on my nerves.
"Better to be above than below." I agree absently.
He drops his arms and tilts his head at me. "You do not seem eager."
"Ever-observant as always, Luca." I sigh, running a hand through my hair. He follows the motion carefully, his eyes still bright with exercise.
"Your people were taken also. I expected that you would be eager to save them and take revenge on the strangers."
"I don't think it will be as simple as that." If I am being honest, the very idea of this shadowy Madam figure completely terrifies me. How she has managed to operate behind the scenes, controlling and manipulating both us and the Wasters for years without us knowing of her existence is completely confounding. It is this element of unknowing, of something or someone lurking beyond a veil, fully aware of us and our actions while we remain entirely oblivious that scares me more than anything.
I can't shake the feeling that despite everything we have learned, we have still barely scratched the surface of the truth.
"Come." Luca inclines his head towards the field. "You worry too much. Let us fight, it will take your mind off of this."
I look doubtfully at the spear he hands over. "The last time I held one of these the situation did not end well for me."
"Then I would say you are in need of practice." Luca strides back into the field, aiming to take up his own weapon without sparing a backwards glance.
I trail his figure, twisting the staff experimentally in my hands, only managing at the last instant to bring it up and protect myself when Luca strikes out suddenly.
"Perhaps a little warning?" I stumble back, annoyed.
"Do you ask that of all your enemies?" He inquires evenly.
"Only the ones I have a personal relationship with." I switch hands and aim for his right side, my arm muscles protesting from disuse.
He counters and parries, forcing me to defend. I grit my teeth, alternating pushing and swinging, letting my mind clear as I concentrate on his movements.
We are well-matched, both of us dependant on our agility and quick feet. We circle one another carefully, taking note of our opponent's style. I lose myself in the deadly dance, spinning and thrusting, seeing nothing but Luca's weapon and the precision of his actions.
We parry and thrust, block and attack. I swirl and spin in place, diving just out of reach and feeling the woosh of air when he grazes me. My muscles strain from the exertion and I savour the sensation, drawing strength from the pain and channeling it into my fight. Sweat pours down my back and neck, coating my tunic and causing it to stick to my skin. Luca seems winded but doesn't let up, attacking me with an exhausting ferocity. The drive of competition pumps through my veins and I meet him hit for for hit, pushing him back and countering, ignoring my body's shouts of protest.
Finally, my sweat-coated hands betray me and my grip slackens. Luca takes full advantage and whacks my weapon away, sending the spear sailing off into the distance. I drop instinctively into a crouch and sweep my leg out, kicking his legs out from under him. He drops like a tonne of bricks, landing in a heap with an inelegant grunt. I roll out of the way of his flailing weapon, straightening and offering a hand to help him to his feet.
A small grin twitches behind his beard as I pull him upright. We sway on shaky legs, both of us breathing heavily as we wipe our brows. My limbs buzz gloriously and I stretch them out, glancing over my shoulder to see Will and Jaron still standing a ways off, both of them now watching us carefully, their expressions unreadable.
"I guess we put on a good show." I say to Luca, inclining my head towards his brother.
Luca cranes his neck past me, his small smile at once dissipating. "I am sure Jaron is thinking of ways I could improve."
"Perhaps." I undo the knot in my hair and shake out the mass, lifting the heavy curls up off of my neck. "He has high standards for you."
"Impossible standards." Luca's frown deepens. "Do you notice how his ideas are always a direct contradiction of mine? When I wish to run, he wants to stay. When I say we must fight, he says we must wait. Nothing I say or do is right."
I murmur a non-committal agreement and stretch my legs, running in place to loosen the taught muscles. "He must trust you more than he lets on if he has given us the task of tracking the airships."
He seems to be considering this as he retrieves our spears, handing mine back to me. "Either that, or our company is not wanted in a confined space."
I nearly laugh. "Speak for yourself, Waster. I am always a pleasure."
"Then I consider myself fortunate to be paired with you."
We are interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps as Jaron and Will approach, at once dwarfing myself and Luca. I wonder briefly if the tunnels will be able to contain their broad statures and a smile nearly escapes me, imagining the two leaders wedged tightly between a train and a stone wall.
"Are we fully prepared for tomorrow's journey?" I ask conversationally, directing the question to no one in particular.
"Nearly." Will glances towards Jaron, a look of uncertainty crossing his features.
"What is it?" I look back and forth between them. "Are you forgetting someone?"
"One last Waster." Jaron keeps his deep voice low with some effort. "Rowan."
I start, the spear slipping from my hands and crashing to the ground. No one moves to retrieve it. "Excuse me?" I sputter.
Jaron's shoulders draw back as he straightens to his full, impressive height. "I wish to bring her with us. She is a fearsome warrior and besides that, she has some experience with the Madam that could prove useful."
Words escape me. I glance around at the men, my eyes flicking across each of them in turn. Jaron's jaw is set determinedly, Will shifts his weight from foot to foot and Luca's face is thunderous, extinguishing any trace of his excited energy.
"Brother, you cannot be serious." Luca hisses through clenched teeth. His fingers curl around the spear held in his hand, the knuckles turning white. "You already determined that she was to be executed. Do not forget everything she has done."
"I realize her errors, Luca." Jaron keeps his tone measured. "I do not agree with her actions but I believe that she did not choose maliciously."
"She gave up her own people!" Luca raises his voice and several soldiers look over curiously. "Jaron, she betrayed us."
Jaron takes a single step towards his brother, instantly closing the distance between them and aligning their profiles. It is astonishing how alike they appear, both with a frightening amount of anger drawn over their dark features.
"Do you think that makes her worthy of death, brother?" The rumble of Jaron's voice sends a cold shiver down my spine and I unconsciously move closer to Will.
"You thought it did." Luca stays rooted in place, matching the chief's eyeline. "What has changed, Jaron? Has the company of the queen made you soft?"
Jaron's face reddens and his large hands curl into fists. For a moment I think that he means to strike Luca but thankfully he manages to keep his heavily-muscled arms at his sides.
"You should think before you speak." Jaron growls. "You have no sense of grace, Luca. To stand in this camp and disrespect it's queen is traitorous."
"I have no reason to fear your punishment." Luca mocks.
Jaron's black eyes narrow. "The decision is mine to make and my word is final. When you are chief I hope that you will be able to see past your own selfishness and understand the larger picture."
"I will never be chief."
"Enough." Jaron shouts and everyone but Luca flinches. "It is done, Luca. One more word and you can forget travelling above the ground tomorrow."
Luca's dark brows lower. I am certain he has a million more choice words to share but he somehow manages to keep them inside.
Jaron regards Luca a moment longer, studying his brother carefully as Luca seethes silently. Finally, after a tense eternity, Jaron straightens and turns back to Will and I.
"We are going to speak with Rowan now." His voice is calm and measured, any trace of the argument forgotten. "Do you wish to join us?"
The idea of returning to the gaol sends a warning jolt of panic through my body and I step back, ignoring Will's concerned glance in my direction. "If it's all the same to you, I think I'll stay up here. I have some... business to take care of."
"So be it." Jaron speaks to Luca. "Come along, brother. Perhaps you can learn a lesson in humility."
"Give Grayson my best while you're down there." I wave them off and turn to go, halting in my tracks when Will seizes my wrist.
"I'll catch up with you in a moment." Will tells Jaron. The Waster chief nods his acknowledgement before slapping a heavy hand down on Luca's shoulder and steering his younger brother back towards the Palace. I don't miss Luca's sharp eyes lingering on the sight of Will's hand circling my wrist before he turns and reluctantly allows Jaron to lead him away.
Will inclines his head, indicating that I follow him and I nod, retrieving my fallen spear before scurrying to keep up with his long strides. The sound of soldiers shouting and weapons colliding fade into the background as we reach the far end of the field.
Will leans casually against the fence, crossing his arms across his broad chest. "Is everything all right?"
I stare at him in challenge. "What kind of question is that?"
"I watched you fighting Luca. You were positively terrifying."
I roll my eyes. "It's combat, Will. Isn't the whole idea to be frightening?"
He smirks. "That's part of it. The other part is keeping a cool head despite stressful circumstances."
"If you have something you want to say, just say it."
"I'm worried about you."
I sigh heavily, propping myself up against my spear. "That's a poor use of your time. Don't you have enough to concern yourself with already?"
He appears hurt but recovers quickly. "Talk to me, Kay. Let me help."
"I'm afraid you gave up that privilege." Unable to keep the bitterness from my voice I glance away, picking at a sliver of wood off the side of the spear.
"Please don't shut me out."
It's his use of the word 'please' that tugs at my heart and forces my attention. When I look back, his grey eyes are pleading.
"You can't keep doing this, Will." My voice is soft in warning. "You can't refuse to be with me and then pull me back in whenever it's convenient for you."
He runs a hand over his neatly-trimmed beard. "I want to be with you, Kay I just..."
"Just what?"
"I don't know how."
"Bullshit."
Something flashes across his face. A familiar spark. "I can't do this alone, Kay. I need you to meet me halfway."
"Your halfway point is me changing who I am. How is that fair?"
"How is it fair to ask me to sit back patiently while you charge headfirst into the fray?"
I groan, rubbing the spot between my brows where my headache begins to pulse again. "Is it just me, or is this entirely familiar?"
"Enough jokes."
"Who's joking?"
He pulls my hand away from my face, seizing me with such force that I drop the spear and send it careening to the ground.
"You have to give me something, anything I can work with. I can't go into those tunnels tomorrow knowing that you are above and completely uncaring for yourself." His grey eyes burn into mine, cruelly disallowing me from looking anywhere else.
I make a half-hearted attempt at pulling my arm free. "Stop it."
"No. I want you to stop trying to save everyone for once and just put yourself in my shoes. No one matters to me more than you, Kay. You are the only one worth saving." His grip tightens.
"Don't do this now, Will." Something tickles my throat and I swallow bodily. "Please."
"If not now, then when? How many times do I have to put my heart out for you to take?" He pulls me closer. "I know you love me, Kay."
"Of course I do." I choke, hoarsely.
"Then we should be able to make this work." His gaze darts to my lips and back up. "All I need is for you to try. Try and keep yourself safe."
I open my mouth and close it again. The promise sits on the tip of my tongue. It would be so simple to say what he needs to hear, to let him wrap his arms around me and feel myself a part of his world again.
But the words don't materialize. Why won't they come? What he is asking of me is simple, reasonable even. So why can't I give him what he wants?
What's wrong with me?
His eyes are searching, waiting, imploring.
I try again. I consider the lie. Deception normally comes so easily to me, but here, trapped in this purgatory with Will, I am incapable of making a false promise.
My heart tears anew as I watch the realization dawn over his handsome features.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper.
"I don't understand." He shakes his head, slowly. "Why can't you do this one thing?"
"I don't know." I say helplessly. That's the truth of it. I can't feel certain of anything anymore. I used to be so sure of myself, to the point of arrogance. As a common street thief the world was a simple place, small and contained. Now, our boundaries are limitless and controlled by an unknown madwomen. With the future of so many people at stake, the one thing I am sure of is that there is nothing I wouldn't do in order to protect them. To protect him.
Someone as reckless as me cannot be trusted with this man's heart.
Will draws a shaky breath, shutting his eyes and releasing my arm. My skin feels cold and I rub the bare flesh unconsciously. Neither of us says anything for a long time and I begin to wonder if he can hear the pounding of my heart against my ribs.
"All right." He takes a step back, opening his eyes and running a hand over the coarse hair on his head. "Have it your way."
"Will..."
"I can't keep doing this, Kay. I can't pretend like you don't matter to me and I can't stand idly by while you put yourself in harm's way."
"I don't do it to hurt you. I just can't control myself." I am surprised at my own words and bite down hard on my tongue to keep from saying anything more.
His brow furrows. "And where does that leave me?"
"I don't know what you expect."
"Understanding, Kay. Compromise. Or at the very least, I expect you to have some gods damn respect for yourself."
A ripple of anger shudders through me. "I think you should go."
"Gladly." He shoulders his way past me, marching a few steps back towards the Palace before stopping and turning back.
"What?" I ask, tiredly.
"I want to remind you that tomorrow's mission isn't just about you and your insane death wish. It's also about the safety of every person inside those tunnels. Don't forget that." Disdain crosses his features and I feel an immediate jolt of outrage.
"I thought you were leaving?" My voice is cold, emotionless. It is easy to push aside any hurt I may have felt and instead focus on my anger.
He glares at me for one second longer before twisting back around and striding off, aiming to catch up with Jaron and Luca.
I wait until his broad figure has disappeared around the fence before stooping and picking up my fallen spear, the heavy weight of it reassuring as I move back onto the training field, intent on getting a few more hours of exercise before the sun sets.