"Charles, I'm worried about Charlotte. She hasn't danced with anyone, appears completely introverted." Mrs Heywood's eyes searched for her daughter, but with so many people in the room, she had lost sight of her.
"This started a while ago," her husband agreed.
"Something's up with her, I'm sure there's a very specific reason for her brooding..." Mrs Heywood glanced furtively at the reason she thought likely.
"Yes." Returned her husband with a grin.
She followed Mr Parkers gaze and saw her daughter pushing through the people, a child on each hand. "I don't want her to be unhappy."
"No one wants that."
Sidney would have loved to say those words too, but refrained. He was not allowed to interfere in this conversation. Even though he was only a few steps away from them, the conversation about their daughter seemed too private for him to jump in and tell them that their daughter was afraid to be forced into a marriage and about to run away. He clenched his jaw and followed Charlotte with his gaze to a table where she helped the children to drink, but then quickly disappeared back into the crowd like a wave kissing the shore.
"Maybe it's because of him." Sidney heard Mr Heywood whisper. Trying to find out if her father was looking at someone specific he searched his employers face, but he had his eyes back on his wife.
A bitter taste was suddenly on Sidney's tongue, his heart seemed to contract as involuntarily as his hands. He knew what it was. Jealousy. Unmistakable, bitter jealousy of the man who was causing Charlotte grief on top of her wanderlust.
Sidney moved away from her parents to stop listening and also because he wanted to take a few steps further in her direction. To dance with her would give him the possibility to start a conversation about her parents' plan and everything would be fine. Even when she refused to dance with him, it would be better to get closer. In this moment, she was leaning against the wall in the shadows. Although she was so pale and her hair gave the impression that she had already slept, he found her absolutely beautiful.
Their eyes met again and despite the shortness, he recognised in hers a stubborn determination alongside all her grief. And disappointment that she seemed to hold out to him like a shield. Still he continued to stroll towards her, unfortunately missing the rest of the conversation.
"Most certainly so." At the words, Mrs Heywood smiled in Mr Parker's direction, who stared at her daughter with furrowed brows, before averting his gaze and diving deeper into the dancing crowd. What would the young man say if he knew he was part of this conversation?
"He wouldn't presume to court her." Mr Heywood said thoughtfully. "not now."
"Yes, he's an honourable person." sighed Mrs Heywood.
She was sure that Mr Parker would not court their daughter until he had the resources to offer her a proper home. Surely, he would not want Charlotte to live in the workers' cottages. If they were at all correct in their assumption that the two of them had feelings for each other that went deeper than a little flirtation. But the way Mr Parker looked at her daughter, talking about her with that special rough tone in his voice, she would put her hand in the fire for that.
It was even more obvious with Charlotte. She had never acted so shyly towards a man before. The few times the family had had the pleasure of dining with Mr Parker, she had watched her daughter closely. How she seemed to soak up every word he said, trying to impress him with her clever answers. But no sooner had their eyes locked, she had fallen silent and blushed. Had nervously fiddled with her hair or smoothed out her dress, always anxious to look neat. Which until then she had always been completely indifferent to.
Her daughter, always well-balanced and full of life, had never obviously acted out her grief. Even her constant wanderlust she mostly kept to herself. But as soon as Mr Parker's name was mentioned lately, she got a pained expression on her face and fled the room on some excuse. Although Mrs Heywood suffered with her daughter and planned to talk to her about these things as soon as possible, she could only agree with Mr Parker's decency.
After all, it was not fitting for a common labourer to make eyes with his boss's daughter. An indigent man, whose brother was heavily in debt, could easily give the impression that he was after her dowry. Since he seemed to fight his feelings for her so vehemently, keeping his distance and decency, Mrs Heywood found herself confirmed in her assumption.
Just like Charles, who was delighted that Mr Parker recognised Charlotte's intelligence. That he had even urged him to pay Charlotte for her work and had not even claimed the job in question for himself. Yes, these were all indications of his integrity. Still, reason could also get in the way. Sometimes it was necessary to be guided a bit. Just as she had been persuaded by her parents back then into the marriage that was her whole happiness. And how she knew how to guide Charles with little hints and well-placed considerations.
"I don't like the idea of them working together unmarried. People's gossip might even ruin the whole business."
"Dear, as decency demands we will never leave them alone for more than fifteen minutes." Mr Heywood patted his wife's hand to reassure her.
"A lot can happen in fifteen minutes." She said seriously and then giggled. Despite almost twenty-five years of marriage and twelve children, she blushed as soon as she made such an implication.
Charles Heywood smiled at his wife with pure adoration in his eyes. He considered himself one of the luckiest men in the world. His clever but headstrong wife had pulled him out of many a lethargy, as vehemently as from his high horse. She had always managed to wrap him around her finger with such statements. To guide him in the right direction. Which was mostly the same thing, as he noticed with amusement.
Although he had entered into a marriage of convenience with her at the time, he fell in love immediately at their first meeting. He loved her dearly from day one and still does. Chuckling he pulled out his pocket watch to see if it was already time to retire. Then she grabbed his arm.
"How long do we give them, Charles?" His wife's voice brought him back from his musings.
"From January? Hmm, about a month or two." He shrugged and put the pocket watch away smiling down on her.
She raised an eyebrow disapprovingly, "No, right now. He just followed her out."
"Ahh, well is that so?" seriously he added, "I trust him with our daughter, my dear. In fact more than 15 minutes."
The rain seemed to have been waiting for him to step out of the barn. No sooner had he run two steps than the fine drizzle had turned into a downpour that, thanks to the growing wind, felt on his skin like quickly distributed headbutts. The noise of his footsteps on the damp ground was immediately swallowed up by the whining whistle. So was he, because almost simultaneously the torches around him went out. Still, he could see where he was going, because the lanterns he had hung in the trees himself were still burning. Even blind, he would find his way to her, he thought grimly. As he knew where she was going.
His heart raced. Afraid of what he would find. Whether he would be too late. The last eye contact was so intense and stirred up so many feelings in him, that he had looked away to compose for a second. Just one second, just one! And she was gone. Sidney cursed. That this woman had managed to distract him with just one look! He ran faster, slipping, but managed to prevent from falling.
The wind howled a cruel song along with the tears of the sky that crash down on him as fast as his thoughts in his head. Angry plans born out of insane worry. Oh, when he found her, he would shake her, if necessary he would also consult her parents, and when that was done, he would put her over his knee and spank her - probably very handsome - backside! It drove him mad that she was so unreasonable.
It would most likely not be an easy task to convince her, but if all else failed, he would give her his word that he would, to take her to the sea himself. However, he would insist on her parents' permission so that she would not get any ideas and pay him! Oh, this... this stubborn, headstrong, obstinate, ... girl! Worrying about her made him age decades. All these horrific scenarios in his head! What was she thinking? So many things could happen to her! All the worries she would cause her parents with such an action! Her poor family!
Sidney ran faster and faster through the cloudburst. Was part of the storm and the storm raged in him. It made trees groan, doors slam. Suddenly a numbness embraced him. His ears were directed inwards, he heard his breath mingling with his heartbeat.
A soft squeak. Perhaps the stable door. He ran and ran, his muscles already burning. Finally, the stables! A crouching figure peeled out of the shadows of the barn. In the hand something bright. Her dress! Something exploded inside his head and his whole body went numb all over again.
Every single bone he would break that damned bastard if he had touched her! How could she not look back, did not notice who was following her? How could she put herself in such danger?
Sidney ran, grabbed the person, slammed into the barn wall and came to a skidding halt with a growl:
"I'll kill you!"
Huge brown eyes stared at him in shock.
"Miss Heywood!" immediately he lowered his head in relief, almost touching with his forehead hers. "Thank God, I got you!"
His breathing was rapid, mingling with hers. Under his fingers clawing into her shoulders, he felt her tremble, heard her shuddering breath. Still, he could not let her go immediately. Fear for her still swirled too violently inside him. He was so glad, so glad that nothing had happened to her!
"Are you all right?"
Charlotte nodded quickly, as this question sounded more like a command.
That he had caught her before she disappeared into the darkness of the night, made Sidney curse with relief. Just for the fright he had suffered, he would make sure she never went anywhere! She should be locked up in her room for months, he thought angrily.
She gasped in dismay.
Oh. Apparently he had said that out loud. But he was not sorry at all! He bored his gaze into hers, even though he could hardly make them out in the poor light.
"What you doing?"
Charlotte just looked at him, breathing heavily.
"What on earth were you thinking?" His nose almost touched hers.
She continued to be silent, but her breath was going fast.
"Were you even thinking?" now he shook her a bit.
But like the other times, Charlotte refrained from answering him.
"Terrible things could happen to you!"
Stubbornly she continued to remain silent but shook her head slightly, as she did so he noticed the floppy hat that she was wearing. He was so relieved and yet so mad with her that he didn't know what else to do but grab the cap, snatch it off her head and fling it to the side. Charlotte gasped, but he didn't seem to notice.
Her hair, which she had shoved under the cap, slowly slipped back into place and poured around her face like a dark veil. His gaze followed the spectacle and he would have loved to push the strands out of her face. But he could not let that distract him! Nevertheless, his voice was rough when he spoke.
"I could have been someone else!"
Only now did his words seem to get through to her, or it was because of his proximity. She drew in a quick, shuddering breath. Her lips trembled too, which she immediately tried to stop by pressing them together. Slowly she lowered her gaze and head, her hair covered her pale skin. If he hadn't dug his fingers into her shoulder he hadn't known she was standing there with him, he wouldn't have been able to make her out in the darkness.
"Charlotte."
Hearing her name fall over his lips in this special tone, she slumped slightly. It wasn't because he'd said her first name, of course not! Nor that he had suddenly let go of her at the same time, but the turmoil inside her.
Because he had pressed her so hard against the wall. Which felt so good, even though it also felt forbidden. In the shadows of the night, his gaze was even more intense, as if he could as reach into her and reveal all her feelings and thoughts. It confused her to be so close to him. To smell him. Hear his pant. The nearby lanterns only sparsely lit his face, but she could see the rain glistening on it. She wanted to wipe the strands of hair from his forehead. Her heart rammed against her ribs as if ready to leave her body and jump into his. To snuggle next to his heart. A strange thought that hurt her, just like his angry expression. Her knees gave way. So did her lungs the breath she held.
After all, he had scared her to death! His words too. Because he was right, it could have been someone else. Such as that worker who always stared at her in such a disgusting way. It made her tremble. Only now did she realise the danger she had exposed herself to in this venture.
But Mr Parker didn't need to know that. Stubbornly, Charlotte lifted her chin.
"I have to go." She pushed away from him a couple of steps and pressed her dress to her chest.
"To say goodbye to your family?" his sarcasm grazed her painfully. "Or would you have left without even that?"
Charlotte only exhaled in protest.
"They would have died of worry." He straightened, braced for her to rush off, "you don't care about the pain you're causing, do you?"
"I've thought it all out." She returned with an air of arrogance.
"Even the loss of your reputation... your honour?"
She sucked in a sharp breath.
"The consequences for your family?" he run his hand through is wet hair. "The whole village is here, everyone would have witnessed this disgrace."
Once again, her head fell forward. The truth squeezed down on her, made her shrink. She probably hadn't really been aware of it all. But her reply was to make him believe that she didn't care what he said.
"You can let me worry about that." she turned her face away.
"Don't be stupid!" no sooner said than he realised that she had already done something stupid.
He let his gaze sweep over her and as far as he could tell in this light, she'd probably robbed one of her brothers of his clothes. She was not wearing a dress. He cleared his throat embarrassed, that her desire to leave the village had forced her to do so.
"It's dangerous."
"Why does it matter? You don't care about me." She muttered, wiping her nose unladylike with a far too long jacket sleeve.
Charlotte was torn between running away from him and the most heartfelt desire to sink into his arms. Never had she felt so terribly afraid as in that little moment in the stable when the cold fingers of the storm touched her neck. She had fled, from her own shadow, straight into his arms. Most of all, she would have liked to nestle against him, to press her head against his chest. To be held by him must be an indescribable sensation.
Mr Parker shook his head. "But I do."
Her heart fluttered. It literally fluttered towards him. She could not understand what was happening within. He could hardly mean what she imagined in her overwrought state of mind. She had to fight against it and let her heart see the truth.
"Only out of respect for my family" this was not a question, yet he answered.
"I respect you too."
By now the rain was pelting the barn so loudly she could barely hear the words. But his gaze, oh his gaze spoke to her. Told her he meant exactly what he said. She was sceptical. He sounded too kind after all. Charlotte tried to see in his gaze if he really meant everything he said. It was too dark to tell for sure, she could only make him out in a blur as tears mixed with the rain that was by now attacking them from the side.
"Charlotte," he paused, only now realising he was addressing her by her first name, but didn't apologise. "There's no husband chasing you."
Her head snapped up at him as he took a step closer.
"Only men who wanted to dance with you." He pulled the corner of his mouth into a small smile.
"You came after me too." With this she wanted to refute his argument.
There was a slight pause in which he stifled a chuckle. "For the same reason."
She huffed in disbelief.
Serious he explained: "For whatever reason you believed it... there is no marriage of convenience."
"What...?"
"Your parents, they don't want to marry you off."
Charlotte shook her head, searched for the truth in his voice.
"I asked them earlier."
"You asked... why... what... are you saying?"
"They are planning for you to work with me... us, to make this business work. We will also travel."
Charlotte was stunned, she couldn't believe a word. And tried to refute their burgeoning hope and, yes, the defeat. Because it would mean she had made a mistake. A big mistake, a dangerous mistake. It would prove how cowardly she was. But she wasn't, she would expose his arguments as lies.
"Papa is needed here, he will travel nowhere with me."
"Then only we travel to the sea. I promise."
Charlotte lifted her eyes and could only make him out in shadows. Like a scissors cut, he stood between her and the light in the trees. It was like in one of her dreams. It was raining and cold, yet she felt at ease and barely felt the cold wet. Hidden in the dark, only the ghostly lights and the flashes lit the man in front of her. This was probably a dream, that's exactly what he usually said to her in them. In dreams, she could also say whatever came to her mind.
"You said then we'd have to... and that you never want that." her voice broke.
That got Sidney's blood pumping. A quiet foreboding spread through him. In the same way that the silence waited expectant for the thunder.
"I didn't mean it like that." His heart, oh his heart beat violently against his ribs.
"You often say things you don't mean." her voice rose almost unnoticed, holding its ground timidly against the rushing wind.
"This is not true." He growled.
"Everything you said in the kitchen, you took back."
Her voice sounded choked, as if she were fighting tears. Again, that kind of knowledge flooded through him. He couldn't believe it. Couldn't grasp it. His throat tightened, but he forced out the next words.
"I should never have spoken to you like that, Miss Heywood. My choice of words was wrong. Please forgive me if I hurt you."
"You took them back."
Her words so soft. He wanted to touch her voice, wipe the pain away.
"The choice of my words, not their meaning."
The silence between them stretched out.
"I still mean what I said."
"I don't understand. You said, you don't want..." Charlotte fell silent, unable to repeat it out loud, it felt forbidden.
"I don't want you." He confirmed and it hurt to hear her small suppressed whine, despite the howling wind. Relief tickled his heart. "But I do."
Oh, he was glad he whispered it into the night. It made him feel a little nauseous to expose himself like this. He felt weak, as if he would have to sink against the wall next to her just now. Yet he was as strong as the wind that whipped the rain against his back. Perhaps she heard his words as little as he could see her. Maybe she was already gone and he was just imagining this conversation.
"I don't know what that means."
Her voice whispered like a fine wind rustled though thin leaves, almost swallowed up in the thundering rain. His heart hammered in his chest just as loudly as the branches that crashed out of the trees. This quiet vague foreboding formed into a truth. Very gently, like a structure made of damp earth.
Suddenly everything was clear before him. As if it were already bright morning.
"Exactly that."
Despite the rumble of thunder, the nervous neighing of the horses in the stable and a moist hiss, he heard her little question quite clearly.
"What?"
Blindly, he reached for her, found the drenched sleeve. Her wet, cold hand.
"Charlotte." He stepped closer to her, wishing she would follow his request and lift her face to him.
"Mr Parker?"
Her hand twitched in his. For Sidney there was suddenly no longer any doubt. Not the slightest. Lightning swept across the sky. Her eyes fluttered. Her deep dark eyes locked with his. Her breath came in bursts as he gripped the jacket at her waist, held it firmly in his fist as if to keep from drowning in the rain. Tensely, she squeezed his hand. It was unintentional, because her eyes widened in shock and the pressure eased.
"We should go inside."
"But you didn't explain...." Charlotte looked down and clutched her dress tighter to her chest. "Yes, when the storm breaks, we need to be safe."
Hadn't she noticed that the storm was already raging? That they were standing in the middle of it. They were completely soaked, ankle-deep in mud. Branches broke off and crashed down, lightning chased the thunder.
Her hand became soft in his, as if she wanted to withdraw. She suddenly seemed so vulnerable. A bird struck by the lashing rain. Feathers too wet to fly. Her gaze as if she were sitting in a trap. Her hand slipped from his. Another branch crashed from a tree. With it, the last nearby lantern went out. The wind howled as if it cared.
Sidney gathered all his courage. Grabbed her hand again, simultaneous raised the other and stretched out his fingers. The tips of them touched her cold rain-soaked face, mixed with warm drops. Charlotte gasped as his hands were almost burning hot on her face. Sidney caressed her cheekbone carefully, placed his hand gently against her cheek and closed his eyes, enjoying her trembling sigh.
No, no doubt. He was the man who had caused her grief. Could he really be worth causing such feelings? It truly made it sound that way. Charlotte breathed. Fast and deeply but was not afraid. Easily she could slip away as he only held her slightly. But she did not. Far too close he felt her body. He should move away, bring her back to dry ground. But something held him back. Unable to let go of her, it seemed to be the only reason why he was still standing. He couldn't behave properly, couldn't do his duty. But should also create emotional distance.
"I have nothing..."
"Hmm?"
His hand on her cheek seemed to warm her inside, suddenly she didn't feel the freezing rain that was lashing them against the side of the stable. He was a protective wall, keeping the rain off her, bracing against the storm to keep her safe. Her hand in his, oh so wonderful although it made her think of sin. The kind of sin poets complained about and yet couldn't stop longing for. Her heart was hammering so fast she could hardly feel it.
"I have nothing... to offer you."
Charlotte blinked away the raindrops that were once again mixed with tears. What was his velvet voice saying?
"Nothing... except me." His voice trembled, as did her body.
Even though she couldn't see his face, she felt where it was. Charlotte felt him move his head slowly.
"Surely that can't be enough."
Charlotte bit her lip. She didn't know if it was allowed to tell him that it exactly was. That was why she just nodded. Maybe he didn't see it, although she wished he did. She raised her hand, unaware of the journey it was taking, when it met his soaked sleeve. She let her hand rest there and suddenly felt strong and incredibly brave.
As he felt her hand on his arm something spread in his chest. It was dark and heavy and yet as light as the seeds of a dandelion swirling around before settling down there on the damp earth. Like her unsaid words, settled down in his heart, with every shaky breath she took.
"Charlotte." The urge to kiss her was overwhelming.
"Yes," she whispered, her breath very close to his mouth.
He leaned closer, still desperately fighting this desire.
"Are you..." her chest rose as she breathed in, feeling his lips hovering over hers.
"Hmm?"
This wasn't... he shouldn't... he had to think about it... he had to stand firm.
"Do you ... you ... ki ... kiss me?"
Sidney exhaled in pain.
"Not this time."