deadly games
❝the painting❞
CHISHIYA WAS LIKE THE SKY ON A CLOUDY DAY — UNPREDICTABLE. It was uncertain whenever he'd decide to rain or clear itself from the clouds. His clouds used to be too many to count, until they disappeared one by one after a big storm. You. He liked to be surrounded by clouds, blurring his emotions and letting him act only based on his logic. The logic he once knew seemed to slowly change as he grew more used to you. Chishiya tried for so long to keep you away, but you always found a way to go back under his skin. Like a parasite, was the way he would describe it. However, having you around lately began to feel better for him. Sometimes he would catch himself undeniably staring at you out of nowhere, or just settling with a side glance, enough to make sure that you were doing alright.
"Are you hungry?" Chishiya asked you as he welcomed you into his home — something you never thought that could happen.
"Very." you answered. "What's on the menu, chef?"
"Bread." his reply made your lips form into a thin line.
"Do I look like a bird chipping for bread crumbs?" your question was adressed in a serious manner, but Chishiya just shrugged. "I'd rather starve, thank you very much."
"If that's what you want." he left his living room, in which you were getting comfortable on the couch.
He has a great couch.
His medium apartment was exactly how you thought it would be. Every object was perfectly placed and of quite high quality.
The only problem his home was facing was the feeling of emptiness. There were no pictures, no plants. Just a painting in his living room that you weren't able to fully decipher. It contained a human figure painted in white, crawled up by itself in the darkness. The background had different shades of black, in some places it was turning a dark grey — the lightest color the background had. Was it his way of describing how he was feeling? All alone in a world full of demons and dark atmosphere. Somehow, it made sense, but at the same time, it made you feel bad for him, not being able to mentain in place the feeling that you misjudged him the entire time. He opened up once, it didn't mean that it was all. Chishiya must've faced more difficulties than that, probably including people that weren't his family.
Your zoning out stopped once he came back in the living room, holding two black cups that seemed to be hot. Once he placed them on the table in front of the couch along with chopsticks, you realized they were the same noodles you ate with him that night in your apartment. Your favorite noodles.
"I thought you only had bread." you glanced at him.
"Did you transform into a bird in the mean time?"
"Nope, these are actually my favorite." you took the hot cup carefully. "Can I ask you about that painting?"
"I assume you already figured most of it, it's not really a difficult interpretation. I associate myself with that figure, but those lighter spots in the darkness are the good things that keep you sane through it. I bought it a long time ago, I guess something deep down inside of me always thought that one day those grey spots will multiply while becoming lighter and I'll finally be free. It didn't fully happen yet, however." his words obtained an understanding nod from you. "Can I ask you something as well?"
"As long as it's not something like 'How hard is your life while having such a thin layer of brain?', then sure, go ahead." Chishiya seemed a little taken aback by the fact that you still remembered his insult from the day you met.
"The closest blimp to where I found you was the King of Hearts. Did you happen to clear it?" he asked and you sadly smiled. It wasn't surprising that he found it out all on his own, you even expected it.
"Yes, I did."
"And Keiju was the King, right?"
"If you'll start saying 'I told you so', then no. He was a good person."
"I didn't say he wasn't. I'm sure he was better than others in some ways, I always doubted him however because of his lying habits. Lying isn't always a bad thing, but it is definitely strange if you choose Hatter as your uncle."
"That was indeed a little off. Being around Keiju made me realize a lot of things, though. About the Heart games and about you." Chishiya raised his left eyebrow focusing on his interest about the last couple of words.
"Me? What did you realize about me?"
Admitting all of your feelings to him wouldn't be the best idea right now. Immediately after Keiju passed away and you found yourself back in Chishiya's presence. It was a fresh wound that wouldn't go away if you voiced those feelings to him. You will, eventually. Just not right now since it was time for you to start healing and reevaluate your actions throughout your time in the borderlands.
"That I like being around you. Even though you hurt me a lot, I still have faith that things will get better."
"I made a silent promise that I won't call you stupid anymore, but that's stupid."
"How is that stupid?"
"Things won't get better on their own, Y/N, unless you do something about it. Every choice has a consequence and once you make that choice you own up to the negative parts it might bring. The fact that you forgave me and are trying to start trusting me might make you regret it in the future. Is it something that you want to own up to?"
"You wouldn't do that again, though."
"I might."
"Then I'll own up to it."
"Good."
It was a good thing that Chishiya never tried to sugarcoat his intentions. The fact that his uncertain answer could happen was limiting your expectations. So you wouldn't get too hurt if it ever happened. The blonde was doing it on purpose, being his way of protecting you from himself.
"What about you? Did you clear any new games?" your question earned a short smirk followed by a nod.
"Jack of Diamonds."
"Makes sense."
"What's the next game you plan on playing?" he asked taking you completely off guard.
You didn't think about entering another game after what happened in the last one, but you had to. It was one of the rules to survive in such a world. A consequence you asked for once you wished to detach from the world you knew and missed.
"I'm not sure if I want to play any other game. I know I have to, but I'm so sick of having to watch people die. Even those I don't even know." saying that felt as if the surroundings finally defeated you, after one long battle that didn't even finish.
"Just like that? I would've thought that you'd want to clear at least all of the Heart games."
"What's the point? It's tiring both emotionally and physically."
"I never thought of you as a quitter. Don't disappoint me now." he tried somehow to bring back your motivation.
"Remember that night on the bridge? After the Russian Roulette game. I told you that I want to melt my heart and I don't know when it happened, but it did. I hate it so much, because it makes me feel pathetic. Especially when I can't do anything for anyone. My mind became a constant reminder of the deaths that happened in front of my eyes, some even caused by me. I killed people, a thing that I never thought I'd do." you began, your voice keeping a low tone. "Sometimes, I like the fact that I started to allow myself to feel more, because little things have started to make me happier. For example, someone's presence. Or even those cups of noodles. It's a weird feeling that I hate, but also love."
"So, is it worth it?" Chishiya asked as your words gave him a lot to think about.
"It is. Every good thing comes with a bad side. Yin and Yang, you know? It has to be balanced."
"I see. After all, it should be your choice whether you'll keep playing or not. And your emotions and thoughts are always valid since they differ from others."
"I'll keep playing, but on one condition." you said and he gave you a look that pushed you to go on. "We'll enter the same game, first one that we will see, no matter what it is. And there, you'll help me and I'll help you. Think of it as an exercise to earn my trust. I won't let you die and you won't let me die."
"Sure, if that's what you want."
Him agreeing so easily was weird, but doubting him will get you back to ground zero. The progress with him was just getting started and you wanted to mentain it. Maybe it wasn't such a bright idea to enter a game with him; the thought that it might help to his personal growth was what pushed you into wanting to fulfill it.
"Do you think Kuina is doing alright? I'm really worried about her." you genuinely hoped she was fine wherever she was.
"I'm convinced she's alright. She went with your friend, after all." he answered referring to Arisu. "Stop worrying so much, you'll see them again."
"I thought the same about Chota and Karube..." you said it mostly to yourself, even though Chishiya heard it. "I guess you're right. I should stop assuming the worst, but also limit my expectations."
Moments of silence followed, in which you and Chishiya both carefully thought about your words. You were right, nothing is ever guaranteed, so thinking positively wouldn't get you anywhere. The power people hold is a difficult thing to use, even against themselves, let alone things they can't control. You used to be like that, keeping a positive demeanour around people you cared for in the most difficult situations, until you stopped. Because you realized it was out of your control and the fact that you believed it would turn out good, only made you bear all the guilt when it didn't.
"You're different." he stated and you looked at him confused.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"I don't know. I tolerate you more now, I even enjoy your presence, which is strange." Chishiya said seriously, earning a warm smile from you.
"You're changing too from what I've noticed. It's easier to talk to you now and you stopped being all grumpy."
"Is it?" he asked sounding like he was thinking about it in depth, not believing a word from what you just said.
"It is." you confirmed it and after a short number of seconds, you continued. "My perspective of your painting is a little different now that I think about it. The fact that the figure is painted in white might make it the good thing around all the bad things. Maybe it's already free, but lonely, because it thinks it's underserving to be around other good things."
"What if it really is undeserving?" he asked and you knew the conversation stopped being about the painting.
"Then I'm undeserving too."
Chishiya looked at you without masking the tint of surprise on his face. It was the first time he looked at you and saw you. All of you. All good and bad. And he liked what he saw. A person that went through loss and fights in order to grow, succeeding into doing so.
You've had multiple ups and downs with him, sometimes getting you so mad that you wanted to rip out his hair. But as you finally started to work it all out, both of you found yourself respecting one another. Wanting to get better for each other. And there was no question to the fact that Chishiya wanted now to melt his heart as well.
For you.