On the day of the aptitude test, Moira woke early. It wasn't that she was nervous for her results - she knew she'd get Candor. It was just natural to be a bit on edge before a test.
She forced herself to stomach a piece of toast with butter and walked to school with her sister, Carolina, whom she normally dropped off at her classroom first. But this day was different. The final year kids would have shorter classes than all, as the aptitude test would be taken right after lunch.
They didn't have time to dolly in the already crowded hallway as most were. It seemed as if Moira was the only one on a bit of edge. She had no reason to be, though. She should be relieved or excited. Everyone's excited. It feels like the last day of school. I guess, technically, it is.
As happy as she should have been feeling, there was a punch that she was feeling in her tummy. She only felt it when something on the opposite of good might happen. Lost in thought, she was awoken when an Erudite boy pushed an Abnegation girl.
I should say something, but both of them were already walking away before she could form a sentence. The girl to the window and him somewhere else. There was no time to wonder however.
I had Faction History first thing in the morning. I quite like history. I just wish we knew more about life before the factions.
Most of the students in Faction History were Abnegation, making it easier for Moira to pay attention. If it were a ton of Candor or Dauntless in the class, she'd virtually learn nothing. That's one thing she appreciated about the Abnegation. She could always use them to her advantage when she felt selfish.
I usually feel bad for the Abnegation kids. Like, everyone knows that they're boring but to call them "Stiffs?" Kind of rude if you ask me.
...
Lunch was nothing new for the factioned youth. The students always sat together by faction for lunch. As this was their last lunch of the school life, they were given a longer time, and a treat for dessert.
"Hey, can I have your cookie?" Peter Hayes, the slut-bag, leaned over the lunch table to ask a kid in grey robes. See, use them to your advantage.
The kid who was bound to get Abnegation handed over his cookie, making Moira feel a bit bad. She'd done it before, but she knew Peter. He was only using a power imbalance. She wondered what faction he'd get. Hopefully not Candor. I cannot deal with him every day for the rest of my life.
Maybe I should give the kid my cookie? But Carolina snatched and unwrapped the chocolate dough for herself while the eldest girl's back was turned.
"You're such an asshole," The older and taller girl laughed. Her younger sister ignored her. Every one in Candor knew that Moira valued her little sister more than anyone in life. They always sat together for lunch. They always talked solely only to one another during lunch. It added a bit of mystique to the both of them, as everyone always knew what Candors were thinking - but those lunch periods were almost top secret.
"Are you nervous?" Carolina started picking at the pieces of chocolate inside of the cookie. She hated that part. I loved that part.
"Yeah. I don't know why though. I think I'm worried about growing up, honestly," Moira shoved her half eaten turkey sandwich to the side. She never liked meat that much. It felt cruel to be eating an animal, another living being. How would we like it if someone bigger than us were like, "hm, they taste good! I think I'll have more of that," and just started murdering us or raising us to be killed and eaten. Perhaps the factions are already doing that?
"Technically you've grown up faster than anyone, already."
Moira nodded, already knowing what her sister meant. She was forced to grow up faster than anyone. A lot of the Candor faction knew her story already. There was no secret in it, and she wasn't ashamed of it - she had no reason to be. But sometimes she wished that she could escape it. It was a bit shutting to have anyone look at you in sympathy or shame when you appeared. She agreed with her sister, but this felt different. She wanted to talk more of it, but the boys of her faction arguing as usual did nothing to cease her fear, nor allow a strong conversation to carry across the table.
"It just feels like anxiety. I don't know how else to explain it."
Carolina, garbling on her sister's cookie, got up when she saw some of the test administrators coming through. Most of them were Abnegation volunteers, except for the one Erudite and Dauntless among them. One's own faction member couldn't test them, but Moira still often wondered why she never heard of a Candor test administrator.
"I love you, and you'll do great. You know who you are better than anyone," Her younger sister played adult for a moment and kissed her forehead before walking the way back to the classrooms.
The other younger kids began to file out of the cafeteria while the Finals were ordered to stay. It wasn't like Moira didn't have any friends, but she only trusted herself to stay close to her family. That added to the mystique of her. The few friends she did have were a year younger than her, and weren't getting tested today. She always figured she'd make more as an adult. It's almost like she's been waiting to make more as an adult.
Every one was called in groups of ten. Two from each faction. Moira bounced her knee in anticipation, sitting next to a boy named Albert from her own faction. He glanced over to her, feeling the thumping movement.
"Nervous?" He asked.
"Hell yeah," She spoke her truth, a hidden confidence coming out every time she interacted with someone who wasn't a Solace or a Sanchez.
Moira heard Albert speak, but was paying attention to an Abnegation boy who came out of the testing sight, looking extremity ill.
My goodness, what do they have us doing?
Ten more names were called as she conversed with Albert on what they thought the test would be. He was a sweet boy, who hoped he'd get Dauntless. He said they were brave. Truth be told, he always reminded her of someone belonging in Amity.
It wasn't very Candor of her, but she didn't say it. That was until he asked her.
"Do you think I could fit in at Dauntless?"
"No, you're too sweet," Before anything else could be said, a leader came back out.
All of a sudden, her ears perked up hearing her name called. She and Molly Atwood would be the two Candor in this group.
-
Molly Atwood - we never got along cause I called her ugly. It wasn't a lie. It wasn't that she was tall and muscular - tall and muscular is beautiful. It wasn't because she had crooked teeth - teeth are only things that we chew with. It wasn't because she had a bulbous nose - all noses give us character, and as long as we can breathe fine, they are perfect. No, it was what was inside of her that was ugly.
Moira knew her and her character from all the time she spent with her previous boyfriend.
I was about to walk into room seven, my lucky number, when Molly shoved me to the side, taking the room for herself.
"Such a bitch," I shouted to her. She rolled her eyes, closing the door behind herself.
I walked into the next room - room six - instead. Inside was a Dauntless woman. She looked cool. She had on a black blazer, almost the same as me, and jeans. When she took off her blazer to reveal her tank top, I saw a tattoo. It was on the back of her neck, and it was something she'd never seen before. It was of a black and white hawk, with a fiery red eye. I could only wonder if it hurt. So many Dauntless had tattoos and piercings, and they always appeared so sexy to me. I kind of wished that I could get one one day.
"I like your tattoo," I sat on the dentist-like chair next to the dark woman. She was Dauntless - they were always a bit chilling. There were mirrors everywhere in the room, but honestly what was the point in focusing on the room when I was here for a test?
"Thanks. I'm Tori. And your name is?" She seemed a little worried.
"Moira Sanchez Solace," Her eyes went up at the mention of Solace, like she'd heard of the name before. But it quickly dissipated. They say Candor are the best at reading people. "Are you alright? You seem nervous."
"I'm fine," She snapped. "You Candors never seem to worry about yourself?"
"Just trying to be kind, damn," I rolled my eyes as she handed a vial of clear liquid to me.
"What is this? I don't like anything that alters my state."
Tori seemed to fight the urge to groan. "This needs to be taken for the test."
The instinct to waft the liquid towards her nose took over. But no odor was smelt.
¨Seriously, what is this?" The fear began to wrap itself over her body. The vial dropped before she could register what happened.
¨Are you fucking kidding me, child?¨ Tori glared at the girl moving to clean the liquid with the bottom of her Candor white jacket. ¨Just sit back, Iĺl take care of it.¨
She rushed to fill up the container, careful not to step on any glass.
"I hate this," Moira said, slowly sipping the new vial. There was no point in arguing. What would even happen if I refused to take the serum?
"Close your eyes," I heard before I was seemingly transported back to the cafeteria.
"What the actual hell? This is why I hate this serum shit."
I was back at the table I was just sitting at. Setting in front of me was a basket to the right of me, containing a knife. The other one held a block of cheese. That cheese looks so good. I love cheese.
"Choose," I heard. Who is that speaking? Is it Tori? Maybe I should just hurry and choose? If I have to fight something, I'll have an advantage with the knife. That would explain why the Abnegation boy looked so sick.
What if I'm in some tropical forest or something? Will the cheese account for my starving? I grabbed the sharp object of that nature without thinking further before it could magically disappear.
And when it did, a growling dog appeared in its place. Is this the test? Am I supposed to fight a dog?
"I can't kill a fucking dog, are you crazy?" Not wanting to look like a threat, I placed the knife gently in my back pocket. I don't need to slice my own ass on accident.
My older sister has a dog so I know that I need to get low and let it sniff me for trust. And so with that, the animal gets closer, a lick replacing the growl that was earlier aimed at me.
I scratched behind his ears, "Now I wish I had the cheese. You would've loved that, huh boy?"
A girl, eerily reminiscent of my younger sister appeared in front of me out of nowhere, attempting to pet the strange dog.
"Don't do that!" But before my thoughts and voice could reach her, the dog 180-Ed and growled back at her.
"What the hell do I do," I grabbed the dog by it's tail, hoping not to hurt the creature, but knowing it'll turn its attention back to me and off of my sister. Is that even my sister? This is a test so I know she won't really get hurt, but still. I'd always put my little sister before myself.
The dog went to nip at my hand, but before it's bared teeth got to me, I was sudden back on a bus. This is one of the buses that run through our city, apparently. I've never been on the inside, however. I preferred to walk everywhere, and my family had a car. Every seat is taken, and I wonder the logistics of this scenario. Before I can wonder anymore, I heard a shuffle. I turned to the right of me to see a man. I was sitting next to a man who looked faction-less. Do they even take the bus? Where are they going? They must have lives. They still work.
"You sound elitist," I whispered to myself.
There's nothing wrong with being faction-less, but he looked upset. He's turned to me with a newspaper in his hand. He's seething, asking if I know the man featured on the front of the paper. It all happens so quickly.
I don't think I do, but the more that I look at him, the more he looks familiar. Would it be safe to tell him that I recognize the guy in the newspaper? What kind of Candor am I? "No, I don't."
Her face was blank, no proof of fault whatsoever.
"Yes, you do! You liar! You're a liar! Why are you lying to me?" Now I'm getting angry and wondering if I still have that knife in my back pocket. Girl, you can't just kill someone because they called you a liar. Be realistic. This test is determining who you are as a person.
"Okay, you asshole. I know him. But I'm not sure from where. You're lucky I'm even trying to help you after you've disrespected me."
That must have been the wrong thing to say because now he's yelling and trying to grab at me. I slapped him quickly when he tried to grab my arm, but I know that's not the right thing to do. How do I calm a psychotic person? Listen to them. Make them feel heard and understood, maybe? Tell them to breathe.
"Why do you want him? Can I help you find him?" The man slows his breathing, listening to me ask him questions. "What's your name and what did he do to you? How did he make you upset?"
But before he can answer, I'm brought back to my chair in front of the Dauntless woman.
"How the hell is this even possible?"
Now the woman's pacing. And now I'm getting worried.
"Everything alright? I knew you looked worried before, but..."
She stopped and looked at me. "Were you aware that you were in the test?"
I nod, "Yes, obviously. Doesn't everyone?"
She sat next to me, abruptly. I took in the look on her face. Her eyes were so open, she looked deeply concerned. Perhaps I should be more concerned? "Whats going on?"
"The test is... The test judges what faction you should be in based on your actions. You." She stops and looks at me again. That bad feeling is back. "I don't even know how to say this, but this is a first. You have matches for each faction."
Time seems to stop. I can't comprehend anything except the plan. The plan was to test Candor. There goes the plan.
"What do you mean?" I stumbled the words out. She's already rushed to get closer to my face, her voice quick and hushed.
"I knew that Divergents were possible, but to.." Tori falters in her place. "This can't be told to anyone. If anyone, including your family, finds out... People will try to kill you. You can't tell anyone. Especially anyone in your faction. They can't be trusted to keep a secret."
"What do you mean," I repeated, still not understanding why or anything the woman was saying to me. It was like I heard the words, but they were reaching from my ears to my brain at a much slower pace. Things seemed to go in slow motion.
"You are Divergent. Maybe my machine really is broken. I thought at first. But the more you spoke, the fact that you are well aware that you were in a stimulation, and that none of it was real. That's not normal in our world."
The information dawned on me. I felt my breathing start to quick. But the plan. "So I could fit in at every faction, even Abnegation, is what you're saying? I thought I was too selfish for that."
"You may think so, but your mind doesn't." I can feel my heartbeat start to quicken. "So what I am going to do for you is tell them that my machine is broken, and verbally give your test results."
"Okay," I nod, hoping that this is just a stupid thing that I can forget and go on in my life. "I will choose Candor tomorrow at the ceremony so you can just say that."
She halted in place, "I think you should choose another faction. Candors can't be trusted with secrets. For your safety, and for your family's safety, I think you should leave."
That's the last thing I wanted to hear. "But where would I go? I'm perfect for Candor. I have dreamt and was meant to be Candor all of my life. There's literally nowhere I could go without being faction-less."
"If this is what you want to do, know that you're risking the safety of everyone you love who may try to protect you. Including yourself. I watched your test. I can see how much your family matters to you. Do what you want, I don't care."
That pissed me off a bit. Because how dare she bring up my family? She was the one looking into my mind. How dare she use my own fears against me? She doesn't even know me. Why does she care this much?
"If I go down, you'll go down for trying to save me. And then what? I'll have to fight myself out of a prison cell?"
She stopped in place, the air thickening in the room. At once, she faced me and smirked, "Solace is your name, did you say? Dauntless it is."
.....
"There was a problem with two of the aptitude tests. They needed verbal reporting from the test administrator, and the students were sent home. Know anything about that?"
I couldn't lie. Especially not to my mother. She'd know even if I tried. "It was me. I'm not sure about the other person."
"Are you worried about your results?" My younger sister said over dinner of mashed potatoes and stir fry. They know that we're not supposed to speak about the test, but they try their best to go around it anyway.
"I feel like we should get more than 12 hours to decide what we're doing for the rest of our lives," I scatter around the question. Everyone knows that I purposely didn't answer. That wasn't the Candor way.
"The test is supposed to tell you what you are," Ashlin, the eldest of us Sanchez Solace daughters, takes a bite of her side of macaroni and cheese. It's been her favorite meal since she was a child so Mom always makes a small portion of it for her when she comes over.
"That doesn't mean that it's still not extremely scary to go forward for the rest of our lives. Imagine someone getting that other than their factions - they are leaving everything behind."
"Did you not get Candor?" My mother asked from the other side of the table, not being able to help herself.
"No, I got Candor," That wasn't technically a lie. It passed efficiently. I did get Candor. Along with four other choices.
"Then the twelve hours shouldn't matter," Our father agreed with his version of him in woman form.
"But it does. Just because you all lack empathy. One day you are told who you are, which is incredulous to begin with. And within half of a day, you are meant and confined to be with what a machine tells you to be for the rest of your life."
"The machine is listening to your mind," Ashlin fought back. Such a family of Candors. "The Founding Fathers knew what they were doing. It's the best way to go about our world today. We're the only survivors for a reason."
"Did they? Because the last I checked, segregation was once illegal centuries ago. And factions are fighting each other every day. You can't even go within five feet of an Amity without scoffing."
There would simply be no reeling my older sister. One thing about Candors is that we debated for practice. And our parents wouldn't stop us. They thought it to be limiting us from ourselves.
Ashlin only responded with, "I need a cigarette." She lost. See, I'd be a great lawyer!
I went on finishing my food at that point. It wasn't until after dinner when I was washing my face did my younger sister ask me a question.
Carolina said, "You can tell me. What are you choosing tomorrow?"
She could read through anything. I should have known. Of course, she is the only person I could absolutely trust with anything. She'd never eat on me.
"I honestly don't know," I dried my face with the plain wash-rag on the right of the sink counter.
"Did you really get Candor?" She sat on the toilet seat next to me, and I debated in my head with myself, again, for a beat. I could not trust Ashlin with my results, but I've always told Carolina everything. Even more than I averaged.
I didn't hold many secrets, but the ones scarred beneath my heart, Carolina knew and kept. I sometimes wondered if she'd even be Candor. She was too loyal. I could tell her, couldn't I?
Before I could convince myself not to, "Lina, you can't tell anyone this. Like, this is a life and death situation."
She held out her pinky finger to me, and I wrapped my long finger around hers. I sat on the edge of the shower, across from her.
"I got a match for every faction. I'm something called Divergent," She nodded, interrupting me.
"I've heard of those. Did you know beforehand? Before the test?"
I shake my head no, "But apparently it can get you killed. Or imprisoned. I want to stay here so badly. I've never wanted anything more. But the lady said that Candors can't keep secrets, and for my safety and that of those who may try to protect me.." I faltered. My sister knew I was talking about her. "I can't."
Carolina was silent for a moment. I could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Before I was forced to watch the saddest thing ever, I bring her body close to mine. "Don't cry," I say into her neck.
I can feel her wipe away the tears before she pulled back, "You always say to express yourself. What's changed?"
"I can't stand to see you cry. It hurts too much, especially when I can do nothing to stop it."
"So what are you going to choose tomorrow?"
I shrug and openly neigh this time, "The lady said she's putting my test down as Dauntless based on my attitude, but I can't see myself being there. First of all, I hate running."
Carolina snickers but then stops.
"Hold on. Mom said two students' results were faulty. If there were two, does that mean someone else is divergent as well?"
I contemplate, thinking back on how worried Tori seemed to be before I got in.
"Maybe..."
She smiled sadly, "Well, I'll follow you wherever you go."
I shook my head again, "You know I can't ask you to do that."
"You never have and you never will, but it's the truth for me."
Time to be honest again. I somewhat break down.
"I'm scared, Lina. I'm not sure but, but I know that Candor is where I'm meant to be. I've always known. I would fail literally anywhere else."
"Well, you don't know that. I think you should really explore your options rather than relying on a plan you made at 14. It's okay to change. It also makes a lot of sense to me that you're verifiable for every faction."
I stood up again, too fast. "I just don't know why she put me in Dauntless. I don't want to protect shit! I don't even like really exercising."
Carolina jumps up too, "Should we do a pros and cons list?"
Carolina always volunteered to make a good and bad list when someone was going through the motions, and now was one of those moments when I really needed it.
Sprawled out on the white rug taking over the majority of my bedroom floor, we compiled a group of paper. One for each faction.
DAUNTLESS
Cons:
I can't exercise for shit. I hate running. I'm literally bones.
"You're a dancer. And a good one at that. You have the agility, whether you know it or not," Carolina interrupted me as I wrote that down.
• I'm not strong.
Caroline interrupts again, "Don't sell yourself short, you're extremely strong. And you're a dancer! You have the stamina. How is is that different?"
I sigh looking at her, "Being able to dance will help me fight?"
"Certainly when it comes to moving out of the way. And if you change up your style, like you do, they may not be able to anticipate your next moves."
I wrote it all down, disliking that she made a valid point.
• far from home.
"Every option is far from home," She discouraged again. "You know what? Let's just do the positives?"
"What are the pros to dauntless? Seriously tell me," I say exasperated. She shrugs her shoulders in confusion.
"They've got some cute boys there." I threw the pencil at her cheek.
"We've got cute boys here! And I'm not joining a faction based on the guys."
"Yeah, right! Who are you going to marry? Peter Hayes?!"
"Gross! I'd be out of my mind. I'm only hoping that he leaves."
"Don't say gross when you used to make out with him right here when Mom and Dad were out."
I'm ready to throw the pencil at her again, but it's already in her hand. "Don't remind."
"Didn't you say that the test lady was Dauntless? She could protect you? And you'd grow stronger. You could introduce a Candor way of thinking to their leadership. Imagine implementing the logistics of how one fights to protect."
"That doesn't sound fun. Being a lawyer sounds fun."
"Moira Eliza!" Sounds just like our mother.
"It's almost like you want me to go?" Carolina had an answer for every negative I thought of. What could be so bad about staying here?
"A change of pace is always worth it," I shook my head no at her. "I just want you to be safe. And I think you'll be safe there."
"I don't know."
"If anyone were to find out your secret, you'd know how to protect yourself. And maybe go outside of the wall? Like you've always wanted..."
I look back at her again because she makes a really valid point. The only reason I'm not choosing Candor is for safety. And to not consider the faction that would teach me to protect myself may be a disservice to the choice of not choosing Candor at the Choosing Ceremony tomorrow.
"You're right. But what if i just stayed here?"
"You can't, Morry. Please for me. Just be safe." This is when I begin to cry. Because there is no way that I could considerably go through with not picking Candor at the ceremony tomorrow. Not being able to be what I want to be is one thing, but my family? My sister and my father would never forgive me. My mother would, and Carolina definitely would. But I don't want to live a life not being able to see them every day. I don't want to have a life where I can't do what I want.
And that's exactly what I told her before she began to cry too. Only short moments passed of us crying when I saw the time. It was already after midnight.
"We should get some sleep."
"Do you know where you're choosing yet? Maybe we should finish?" Carolina scooped the papers together, getting ready to open the matches that I kept on my bedside table. My poor cigarettes would miss me. Do Dauntless even allow us to smoke?
"You know darn well I'm not going to Erudite, and I'm too selfish for Abnegation. I only passed because the little girl I saved in the test looked like you. I'd do anything for you."
"Including choosing Dauntless at the ceremony tomorrow?"
I sigh again. "If that means that you'll be happy and safe."
She smiles and holds me tighter, "This is why you're considering Amity? I've noticed you said nothing about them? How can a Candor like you be so thoughtful of others?"
"I only want you to be safe." But the truth was that I wasn't the nicest person, and I'd worry. If I could only be nice to my family then I would be considered a bad person. I won't choose Amity out of fear of failure. It's very simple.
Carolina smiled at me and started to walk towards the door, but hesitated for a second. She turned halfway back to me, her hand still on the doorknob.
"If something happens, you'll come back for me. Right?"
I could only imagine what she was thinking. "If something happens, I promise I'll come get you first."
She nodded at me, somewhat satisfied, and commenting one last time, "I've always thought that Divergents were cool. You're like the ones so long ago, before the war. But remember, you know yourself more than a test. With that being said - goodnight and I love you."
That broke me. That was the night I cried myself to sleep, which I hadn't done since the moment my innocence was taken. Not since the moment I grew up before everyone else. Tomorrow would ruin me forever. Tomorrow would take something from me.
Tomorrow would be the worst day of Moira Eliza's life.