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Tuesday
I am up before daybreak. I did not sleep at all well. I have been worrying over Lizzy's quick departure and headache yesterday. I think back to when the butler announced her arrival, I wish I had gone to her right away instead of finishing arranging the marriage banns with the local pastor.
I was happy that Fred brought our friend Bradford for a visit, he has been out of the country for several years. But I wish I had not let him keep me from Lizzy for so long. I hope she isn't upset that I made her wait. It isn't like her, she is usually so accommodating. But I know that it was very near a half hour before I found her gone from the parlor. The butler only said that she had urgent business at home, but then I was told by Bea that Lizzy was ill with a headache.
As I lie here in bed with my eyes closed against the dawn creeping through the curtains, I take a deep breath. I will see her today at least. Yesterday, my mother and I picked out the food for the wedding breakfast without her. I was sure to include choices that Lizzy likes. And I insisted there were no oysters or caviar.
I smile with the thought that she will be my wife. I can almost laugh at myself that I didn't realize sooner how much I regard her. Love her. My eyes spring open at my use of that word. Do I really love her already? The recognition of the truth brings a smile to my face. Yes, I do very much love her. I love everything about her, in fact. How did it take me so long to realize that what I was feeling was love? My only excuse is that I am a complete and utter idiot, as William often reminds me.
I hope I find a moment to tell Lizzy today. I want her to know that I am utterly and completely in love with her and have been for some time. I would have never thought that any woman could make me so happy. She is perfect for me. So sweet and kind, wanting to teach Tanner to read and going toe to toe with the cook to get the servants better food. Which honestly she should never have had to do. The whole ordeal showed me that I need to be more attentive to details on my estate. She will be a wonderful partner, we will run the estate together. My heart beats faster with the thought of us together at Beaumont.
I can't help but chuckle when I think back to her laughing as she rode in the cart to the windmill. Lizzy is such fun yet so intelligent. I would like to build her a whole laboratory for her science experiments. I will have her work with the architect to design something that is just right for her.
There was never a woman that made me feel the things Lizzy does. When we kissed in the solarium, I completely lost myself to her. I had no idea kisses could be that nice but now she has awoken a beast inside of me and I am constantly thinking of holding her, kissing her, touching her. My heart beats a little faster as I imagine it. I get to be with her in every way for the rest of my life. I almost ache with the thought of having to wait months to be with her as a husband.
I wonder if she would be opposed to sleeping in the same bed once we are married. My parents always had separate bedrooms but I really don't intend to be parted from my wife. I want to keep her with me all night, every night. I remember holding Lizzy in the library and I need her to sleep in my arms like that again. In fact, we may not get out of bed for the first week after the wedding. That thought makes me smile even more.
I knew my mother would warm to the idea of Lizzy being my wife, but I did not realize it would happen so quickly. She fainted, went to bed, and woke up the next morning with a dream of the wedding fresh in her mind. She talked ceaselessly over the next days of every detail of the wedding breakfast, ceremony, and parties. After Lizzy and her visited with the seamstress, my mother could talk of nothing but how beautiful Lizzy will look in her gown.
My mother seems to think we are arranging a royal wedding, the one in her dream apparently. She has some notion of having several bridesmaids and groomsmen standing up with us instead of just the usual two witnesses. And also she seems to think they all need to be in matching clothing. She wants to coordinate the dresses with the flowers with the candles. It is honestly way too much. But as long as after the ceremony, I can take my Lizzy home with me for good, I will go along with whatever she plans.
I wish the wedding weren't still several months away. My mother insisted it would be scandalous to have it any sooner. The banns will be read over the next three weeks at the chapel, so technically we could be married anytime after that. Well, if there weren't so many plans to arrange.
Today, Lizzy, my mother and I are to pick out china and cutlery for the wedding breakfast. I am certain we have plenty of plates to serve everyone but again, my mother is insisting. Our appointment is at ten and I am glad it is early as I didn't get to see Lizzy all day yesterday and I am starting to ache for her.
Just before we are ready to get into the carriage to collect Lizzy, a note arrives for me. I would completely ignore it, as I am anxious to see her, but the note is in her handwriting. I ask my mother to wait in the parlor for a moment.
Lord Westworth,
I am sorry to disrupt our plans for today, but I find that I am still feeling unwell. Please choose the place settings without me. I trust you and Lady Westworth to pick the right pieces. I am sure I will be well tomorrow to view the flowers.
Elizabeth
I am frowning. Not only is she still unwell, but the note is rather formal and unfeeling. Why would she address it to me as Lord Westworth? She has called me Edmund since almost the beginning. I think I must go see her, to find out what is wrong.
When I explain everything to my mother she agrees that we must go check on Lizzy. We take the carriage to the Tufton's. My mother and I are escorted into the parlor to wait. My mother seems almost as anxious as I am, her hands fidget endlessly, which is not like her. "She seems like such a healthy girl. I am sure it cannot be serious." She pauses for a moment, "She always puts everyone else's needs before her own, have you noticed? I hope she hasn't neglected herself until she became ill." She pauses again, "Do you think we should call the doctor to check on her?"
She is right about Lizzy caring for everyone else before herself. I still my mother's hands with my own, "Yes, I will call the doctor if the Tuftons have not."
Beatrice and her mother come in to greet us. Lady Tufton pours tea for all of us like we are here for a casual visit. I can see that Bea is worried, she has looked at me several times with her concerned expression. I wish I could pull her aside to talk with her privately about Lizzy condition.
"I am so sorry that my niece is not feeling up to going out with you today. This is the first time she has been ill since she came to us almost three months ago now. But please don't fret, it is only a sick stomach today. She may have eaten something that was unsettling to her."
My mother looks relieved to hear it but I watch Bea's face as she hears her mother's description of the illness and I think there is more to it. I find myself speaking now, "Would you be opposed to us sending a doctor to check on her? She is due to have her arm checked again soon anyway."
Lady Tufton smiles, "Certainly, that is a fine idea, Lord Westworth."
Bea speaks up, "Beth said she really doesn't want to see a doctor though."
Her mother dismisses her, "Oh, pish. As Lord Westworth suggested, the doctor can check her arm and also see if there are any other concerns." She turns to us, "We will let you know what the doctor reports."
We stand to leave and while Lady Tufton talks with my mother, I address Bea, "Is there anyway that you could take me to see her, even for just a moment? I am very worried about her."
Bea looks regretful as she says. "Beth is not leaving her room right now. I am sorry." This annoys me to no end. I am her fiancé after all. I should be able to go up and see her. Society's rules for appropriate behavior can be quite frustrating at times. Why do I have to wait to see her when she is literally right up those stairs? My rebellious side is tempted to run up and open every door until I find her. But, in the end, I don't want further gossip. I have heard the rude speculation of how we became engaged and am trying to dispel those rumors when I can.
I look into Bea's eyes, "There is something you are not telling me."
Bea's eyebrows lift at my accusation, "No. I... I mean... Well, she doesn't seem herself right now. She has told me nothing." She pauses before adding, "She just seems so... so sad. Heartbroken really."
Goodness, what could have made her heartbroken? "Do you think she is upset that her father will not be here for the wedding? She never did have a proper grieving time."
Bea looks unconvinced but says, "Perhaps. I will tell you if I hear anything new."
---
Wednesday
I have endured another day without my sweet Lizzy. My nerves are on edge and my bad attitude has encouraged the servants to avoid me. The days just feel so mundane when I don't get to see her. It makes me wonder whatever gave me joy before I knew her.
The report from the doctor said that her arm is healing well and she no longer needs to wear the sling. He found nothing else wrong with her, which is comforting.
We have an appointment to choose flowers today. My stomach has been sick all morning dreading the arrival of a note saying she will not come. Why am I so concerned there will be a note? It is likely because I very much need to see her and my mind is worrying over the worst possibility.
I sent her a note yesterday afternoon.
Dearest Lizzy,
I am beside myself with worry over you. I feel terrible you have been ill. Is there anything I can do for your present comfort?
Your note this morning sounded distant and I am worried that you were upset that I made you wait in the parlor yesterday. I apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness if I made you feel neglected.
I need to see you. I have gotten used to seeing you every day and it is difficult now to be without you. Feel better soon, my sweet Lizzy.
Yours forever,
Edmund
There is a knock on the door and I think I will retch. I grip my quill so tightly in my hand that it snaps and splatters ink all over me and my desk. I drop the offending feather and stand as the butler comes to deliver the note.
Damn it all to hell, it is her handwriting, I was hoping it would be some business correspondence so I could have hope of still seeing her.
Lord Westworth,
Do not make yourself uneasy, I was not upset about the wait in your parlor. I was merely feeling unwell.
Thank you for sending the doctor to check on me yesterday. I am nearly better. I anticipate being able to view the rooms for the engagement party tomorrow. But I am not yet well enough to choose flowers today. Please pick out the flowers with your mother. I am sure I will like whatever you pick.
Elizabeth
I have never in my life felt so powerless. I feel like throwing a complete fit and trashing my office. Giving it the same treatment I gave the blasted quill. She is right there in the Tufton's house and I cannot get to her. I need to hold her, hug her, brush her hair out of her face, feed her soup, and whatever else she needs. Honestly I just need to be near her so I can help her feel better, make sure we are alright. I feel like there is a wedge between us now and I can do nothing to get past it. I need my Lizzy, damn it all to hell.
---
Thursday
When I awoke this morning I could think of nothing except the fact that I want to march right up to the Tufton's door and say, 'I am her fiancé damnit and I demand to see her.' If only I could say 'husband', that would have more weight to it. It will be several lengthy months before I can use that word and I wonder how I will bear the wait. In this moment, I understand the lure of Gretna Green.
I sent her another note yesterday.
My Dearest, Darling Lizzy,
I am concerned that you have not yet recovered. I cannot help but think I could make you feel better if I could see you. Are you so unwell that you are not able to make it to the parlor for a quick visit?
If your aim was for me to realize how dependent I am on you, then you have certainly made your case. I can think of nothing but you and dream of when I get to see you again. Please Lizzy, dearest, please say you will see me, if only to put me out of my misery.
Only Yours Forever,
Edmund
I did not get a note in return. We are to pick a room for the engagement party today. But I have almost no hope of her going with us. I sit here in my office, waiting for the inevitable knock and the note that will make an excuse for her. I am not holding a quill today and I have moved all breakables out of my reach.
I sit for long minutes contemplating my impuissant state. It is not one I am used to. I am an Earl, damnit.
The knock comes on the door and I jump up, march across the room and throw open my study door. The butler looks apologetic and slightly afraid as he hands me the note in her writing. I slam the study door as hard as I possibly can, the rattling windows don't make me feel any better.
Lord Westworth,
I am sorry that I have been unable to see you. I thank you for the attention of all your visits and notes. It is quite remarkable to have an Earl worry over someone as insignificant as me. But I assure you that after several days of rest, I am feeling much improved. I will, unfortunately, need to bow out of our morning room visits. I trust you and your mother to find a suitable venue for our engagement party.
You will, however, be glad to know that everything will be resolved tomorrow. Please be at home at nine in the morning so it can be explained to you. I appreciate your patience with me as I recovered.
Elizabeth
I should be happy at this letter, she will see me tomorrow. So why am I feeling dread? Perhaps it is the third sentence where she calls herself 'insignificant.' Why would she use that word? And she has never thought of me as an 'Earl' and it surprises me for her to bring it up so pointedly now. I also notice that the bottom of the paper is a bit warped and wavy as if some moisture has dripped on it. The marks are reminiscent of tears and I am reminded that Bea said she was sad.
I know Lizzy says this will all be resolved tomorrow but I need to visit her. I just have this overwhelming feeling that tomorrow will be too late.
---
Friday
I tried to visit Lizzy yesterday but again I was denied. Bea seemed very hopeful that all would be well. She said that Lizzy perked up after receiving a letter in the post. She did not know who the letter was from but only that Lizzy seemed to be more herself.
I left a note for her again.
My lovely sweet Lizzy,
Thank you for your letter. I am glad this will all be resolved tomorrow. I am, however, hoping that you will allow me to visit you briefly today, as well. Just write to me, or send someone, I can come anytime.
I want to be sure to correct you when you called yourself 'insignificant'. There is nothing insignificant about you, Lizzy. You are such an impressive young lady, a remarkable woman for even someone twice your age. You are kind, smart, sweet, amusing, and positively bewitching to me. You have captured my heart entirely. It has nothing to do with me being an 'Earl' and everything to do with me being a man who found exactly the right woman to live the rest of his life with.
I have hopes of seeing you today, but if I am required to wait until tomorrow morning, so be it. Please don't torture me longer than that. I do not think I could make it without seeing you soon.
Love,
Edmund
I was hoping my letter would make her want to see me, unfortunately she never wrote me back. But in an hour, at nine am she will be here. I sit at my desk, having already eaten breakfast, waiting for her. I can make it an hour. I am sure I can make it an hour.
I calm myself by envisioning her here with me in my study. I will close the door and pull her onto my lap and kiss the daylights out of her. With every kiss I will show her how much I have missed her and how much she means to me. I will finally be able to tell her that I love her. She will rest her cheek sweetly on my chest and all will be well again.
There is a knock at the door and I smile that she is here early. I jump up from my chair and race to the foyer where trunks are being stacked. I frown and look at the butler. "What is all of this?"
He looks as lost as I am. "I am unsure, Sir. They just said they had a delivery." Three large trunks are brought in and stacked in the foyer. One of the delivery men hands a letter to the butler as he leaves and I rip it out of his hands.
Lord Westworth,
I am sorry to have prolonged your confusion over the last days but I think you will find relief when you read this letter.
I would like to officially release you from our engagement. I will not pretend that you have enjoyed my company or been in anyway attached to me. I understand completely now the nature of our relationship. While I will try to remember my time in London fondly, I doubt many memories will evoke joyous feelings.
When you receive this letter I will be well on my way to my new position. A part of me wishes I would have just taken the position months ago when my aunt offered it to me instead of holding out hope for more. I wonder though if I would have always felt regret at what I thought I was missing out on. There is some comfort in the fact that my only regret now is attending the Almack's ball and meeting you.
All I ask in exchange for releasing the engagement is that you do not contact me ever again. I couldn't bear it. If you have any regret whatsoever about your part in this charade, you will comply with my request. You may create any excuse for ending our engagement. Make me the villain of the story, if you like. I have no care what the gentry of London think of me, as I have no desire to see any of you again.
I do wish you a long and happy life, despite our pretense of a friendship. Perhaps you will now get your chance to propose to Regina. I once thought the two of you were unsuited, but now I think you are more alike than I ever imagined.
Miss Cavendish
I look up from the letter slack-jawed, "Is this some kind of joke?" The butler looks uncomfortable as I look around for someone to jump out and declare it all a farce. When no one does, I forcefully open the trunks to find all the dresses and clothing I gave to her. My heart sinks with the realization that this could really be happening. On the top of the pile of dresses is the box with her engagement ring. I catch my breath. "No. Please, no."
I lose all energy to stand and fall to my knees in front of the trunks. She has left me. She doesn't want me. She thinks it wasn't real. I cannot remember the last time I cried. Sometime in my youth, I think. I was deeply sad when my father passed, but I did not cry. Nothing short of Lizzy coming back could stop my tears now. I feel as if a part of me has been torn out. The good part. The part I liked.
I know I am creating a spectacle here in the foyer, but I cannot stop my tears and anguished sobs. Something catches my eye in the trunk and I grab the familiar papers. It is my letters to Lizzy over these last days. They are still sealed. She never read my notes.
What possibly could have caused all of this? But then I notice one of my letters has, in fact, been opened. It is the first letter I sent her but it is hardly legible with the ink so smeared. I frown and flip it over, then back. As one of my tears drops onto the paper, I realize what I am seeing. These are splashes of tears that fell on this letter. So many tears that it is nearly unrecognizable. My head comes up with the realization; Lizzy is hurting as much as I am.
"Oh my dear, my sweet girl, I will make this better."