Kabanata 6
Slut
They say hate is a word with too much gravity.
Kaya naman kahit kailan, hindi ko ginamit ang salitang 'yan upang ipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko para kanino. After my conversation with Zadkiel Valtierra, however, I decided I would settle with a watered down version of that word.
I decided I disliked him, kahit pa kung pakikinggan ang tibok ng puso ko'y malabong iyon nga ang totoo.
He was just... weird.
Ano nga ulit ang sabi niya? Kaya niyang gamitin at magsinungaling kahit kanino para sa pansariling kapakanan. Kaya niya ring maging intimate sa isang babae kahit wala siyang nararamdaman para rito. He even emphasized how he only sleeps with experienced women.
I didn't know what his deal was, but those definitely weren't the words of a person trying to make a good impression. Most importantly, weird iyon kasi, karamihan sa mga lalaki, pinapahalagahan ang pagiging inosente ng isang babae, lalo na sa pisikal na aspeto. But he did not value a woman's purity the way most guys did. He wanted to sleep with... sluts. He wanted experienced women because only they could satisfy him.
Somehow, that idea made me feel a little insecure. I didn't know I would reach a point where I would be rejected because I refused to sleep with just anyone. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko hinugot ang tapang upang hamunin si Zadkiel ng gano'n. I mean, hindi naman ako conservative, pero hindi rin ako basta-bastang nagbibigay ng halik!
I guess I could just pretend I did not say any of those words. He broke his promise to me, so it was only fair for me to back out of my own challenge to him. Pakialam ko ba kung ayaw niya sa akin? I had my family, studies, and friends to keep me from boredom and to love me for who I was.
Right. I should just forget about any of our conversations and stay away from him. He was too vulgar and intense for me, anyway.
"Celia, dear," my mother's voice disturbed me from my reading.
Inangat ko aking tingin sa kanya. I had been reviewing for our Chem 33 long quiz since 1 PM today. Whole week na akong busy. Aside sa madami kaming dapat ipasa sa school, pinili ko ring maging busy para hindi na isipin pa ang huli naming pag-uusap ni Zadkiel.
"Mommy," I responded with a weak smile. Sumasakit na ang ulo at mga mata ko dahil kanina pa ako rito.
"Shouldn't you be sleeping already?"
"Malapit naman na akong matapos, My. One final run-through with my flashcards and I'm done."
Tumaas ang isa niyang kilay. She stayed outside my door, wearing her silky nightgown. My mom was meticulous about her sleep schedule. She always slept before 9 PM and woke up at exactly 5 AM. Sa tingin ko nga ay nagising siya kaya siya nandito ngayon at nangangamusta.
"You've been too busy lately. Baka mapano ka ulit dahil sa kakapuyat mo."
"Babawi naman po ako ng tulog this weekend," pampalubag-loob ko.
"This weekend? Have you forgotten about your Tito Lorenzo and Tita Sylvie's party this Saturday night? Kakauwi lang nila galing Europe, hija... Don't tell me you're going to skip it?" Now she looked so bothered. Nakakunot-noo at puno ng concern ang mukha.
Napakurap-kurap ako at saka hilaw na ngumisi. I totally forgot about it! Ni hindi rin ako nakabili ng damit na susuotin para roon!
Mommy frowned at me. "You forgot about it, didn't you? May damit ka na bang susuotin? Celia naman... We can't spoonfeed you everything."
"Dadaan na lang po kami ni Manong Fred sa boutique after class para makabili ng ready-to-wear na damit."
She nodded, although she still seemed displeased with me forgetting about the party. "Just make sure it looks classy, hija. You know your Tito and Tita's circle, puro mga alta."
Parang mas namroblema pa ako sa susuotin ko para sa party ni Tita Sylvie kesa sa quiz ko kinaumagahan. We were well-off, but my Tito and Tita were on a whole another level. Empleyado lang ang mga magulang ko, samantalang sila ang may-ari ng isa sa pinakamalaking shipping line sa Asya.
My parents were never the flashy type. Kung tutuusin ay mas pipiliin nilang mamuhay ng tahimik, away from the glitz and glamour of my Tito and Tita's circle. But since they were our closest family, we had no choice but to mingle, accept, and adapt to their way of life.
Natapos ang quiz namin sa Chem 33 na confident naman ako sa aking mga sagot. Magkaiba ang schedule at prof namin ni Fiona sa subject na 'to kaya kanina pa siyang 2 PM natapos. She had an appointment with her dermatologist, so she had to leave earlier than me today. Usually kasi, sabay kaming naghihintay ng sundo.
Palabas na ako sa room namin nang makita ko si Stefan na naghihintay sa labas ng pintuan. I sighed. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa malampasan ko siya. He immediately followed me even though I already told him last time not to do that.
"Celia, wait!"
Masikip sa hallway pero dahil maliit ako, madali lang para sa aking makahanap ng lulusutan. Stefan's physique was more like skinny-fit, but he did have wide shoulders. Marami tuloy siyang nababangga sa daan.
"Aray!" I heard a student complain behind me.
"Sorry! Sorry!"
The urge to stop and wait for him was strong, pero nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa paglalakad.
"Ugh, stop pushing!"
"I'm sorry! Sorry talaga!" Then I heard a commotion. Parang may nahulog na mga libro at ballpen. "Sorry. Wait. Teka lang, Celia!"
Naaawa na ako sa kanya kaya noong nakalabas sa hallway ay dumiretso ako sa isa sa mga benches malapit lang doon. I sat there and waited for him to see me. Hindi nagtagal ay hinihingal na siyang dumating sa harap ko.
"Celia, please, can we talk? Kahit limang minuto lang, oh?"
Huminga ako ng malalim at tumango. "Okay. Upo ka..."
Parang nabuhayan siya dahil sa sinabi kong 'yon. He smiled widely and sat on the bench in front of me. Medyo magulo na 'yong malalambot niyang buhok. I wanted to comb it with my fingers like I used to, but that was out of the picture now.
I didn't even know this would be such a big deal for me. Yes, I liked him, but a part of me also knew that my attraction for him wasn't that serious. Alam kong hindi iyon ang aking pinakasukdulan. It was like being satisfied with my grades but knowing I could do better. I was happy with him, but I could be happier.
He licked his lower lip and sighed. Ginulo niya ang kanyang buhok at bigong-bigo na ako ngayong tinignan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakaplaster na reaction sa mukha ko ngayon, pero kalmado naman ang pakiramdam ko. He meant a lot to me... but I was also surprisingly okay with cutting cords with him.
"I know you're mad at me, but I promise I can explain."
I pursed my lips a bit. Ano pang kailangan niyang i-explain e nasabi niya na lahat sa 'kin sa text the day after that wedding? He admitted to cheating on me. Tama si Zadkiel at nagcheck-in nga sila ni Sharon sa isang motel para mag-sex!
Instead of interrupting him, I let him have his moment. Mahinahon ko siyang tinignan.
"Yes, Sharon and I had sex. Alam kong gago ako para gawin 'yon sa 'yo, pero lasing ako, Celia. Please, maniwala ka sa 'kin! Hindi ko 'yon ginusto!"
I gritted my teeth. "Hindi ginusto? Fiona saw you flirting with her noong nasa chapel pa lang kayo, Stefan. You weren't drunk then. Just say it. You cheated on me!" Medyo tumaas na ang boses ko sa pagkakataong ito.
"I know, but... She was just a bit touchy that time. I wasn't even responding to her advances. Look, kung totoong plano kong mag-cheat sa 'yo, bakit pa ako aamin kinaumagahan, 'di ba? I should've just kept it a secret from you! But I chose to come clean because I wanted this behind us. Nagkamali ako, oo. Gago ako, oo. Pero pinapangako kong hindi na 'yon mauulit pa!"
Umiling-iling ako. "We were good. Why did you have to ruin it?"
"Celia... Please. Sorry na... Please. I'm sorry, okay?" Sobrang nanlulumo ang mukha niya habang nagmamakaawa sa akin. He reached for my hand and held it firmly. "It was an asshole move. Hindi ako proud sa ginawa ko, pero pinagsisisihan ko naman 'yon. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't regret it. Celia, please... Please accept me again!"
Unti-unting nangilid ang mga luha ko. I knew this was not the end of the world. Maganda ako, matalino, at mabait. I knew I could find someone who would treat me better. Hindi ko dapat ito iniiyakan.
I guess I was just extremely disappointed in Stefan... not just as my "lover" but also as my friend. He cheated on me and admitted it right away. Kung nagpakalayo-layo na sana siya pagkatapos noon, baka mas kaya ko pang maging civil sa kanya. But for him to reach out to me, chase me, and ask me to accept him again...
Just... how stupid and naive did he think of me?
"Why?" It was weak and almost silent.
He looked at me in confusion. Unti-unti ko namang binawi ang aking kamay mula sa kanya.
"Why did you do it, Stefan?"
"I just..." It seemed like he didn't want to continue, but when he saw the determination on my face, he sighed and looked away. "We've been together for months now, but you can't even introduce me to your family, Celia. You can't even tell your cousins you like me or that I mean something to you. Kaya hindi ko na rin pinipilit na magkaroon tayo ng label kasi para saan pa? Itatago mo pa rin naman ako."
"I was trying to protect you!" I exclaimed.
Frustrated niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa akin. "I can protect myself!"
"Clearly, you don't know my cousins."
Kung pinakilala ko siya bilang boyfriend ko, kay Kenneth pa lang, lugi na siya. My cousin would send him home with his face unrecognizable and full of bruises. Paano pa kapag nalaman ni Kuya Liam? O 'di kaya ni Daddy? The men in my family were excessively protective of me. Hindi ko sinasabing healthy 'yon, pero 'yon ang totoo.
"I don't care about your cousins, Celia. But the fact that you can't introduce me to them, or that you feel protective of me, only means you think I'm not worthy of you. Kasi kung tingin mo deserving ako sa 'yo, makakaya mo akong iharap sa kanila."
"I didn't say I would never do it! Naghahanap lang ako ng tamang panahon." Pinalis ko ang kaunting luhang lumandas sa aking pisngi. "And why is the blame suddenly on me? I'm not the one who cheated!"
"Celia... Please." Lumambot ang kanyang mukha. "I'm sorry. Forgive me, please."
"How was she?" I asked bravely.
Maybe it was my insecurity talking, but I suddenly wanted to know why Stefan slept with that girl and did not wait for me to be ready. As I said, I was not particularly conservative. I was just... reserved. I was waiting for the right time to give him the intimacy he wanted.
It was good that I waited, though. At least nalaman kong hindi niya talaga deserve iyon.
"She was different..." Stefan said slowly. Nasa baba ang kanyang tingin at tila ba inaalala ang pinagsaluhan nilang gabi ni Sharon.
Namilog ang mga mata ko at saglit na natigilan. I thought he would say she was a mistake, or that she never measured to my innocent touches and the laughs we shared.
"Different how?" I hated how soft my voice sounded even though I was already so mad at him.
"Just different."
"Because she was a slut and I wasn't?"
Siya naman ngayon ang natigilan. It was only now that he realized what was wrong with his statement. Imbes na hayaan ko siyang depensahan ang sarili niya ay tumayo na ako. I grabbed my bag and walked out, disregarding the sound of his voice calling me.
Umiiyak akong sumakay sa sasakyan namin. Manong Fred gave me a quick glance before driving away. I couldn't believe it. I was actually insecure about not being a slut! Siguro epekto na rin 'yon ng sinabi ni Zadkiel. Hindi ko na alam. Pero sobrang naiinis ako sa nararamdaman ko ngayon kasi hindi naman ako ganito.
During that drive, I blamed a lot of people for my situation. Kung sana hindi masyadong strikto ang pamilya ko. Kung sana hinayaan nila akong mag-boyfriend. Kung sana hindi ako masyadong mahiyain at reserved. Alam ko namang iba na ang henerasyon ngayon. I just didn't know that I would ever feel ashamed about being inexperienced or for refusing to sexually exploit myself.
I wondered what people thought of me. Was I a prude? Pinagtatawanan ba nila ako sa tuwing mas pinipili kong magbalot kesa magpakita ng cleavage at pwet? Did they secretly make fun of me being a church girl? A good girl?
Wala ako sa sarili noong pumasok sa boutique at namili ng damit na susuotin. The boutique only had a few evening dresses displayed. Magaganda naman ang mga 'yon at mukhang classy kaya hinayaan ko na lang ang babaeng staff na pumili para sa akin.
"Ma'am, lahat po kasi medyo maluwag sa inyo. We only have this gold cocktail dress, but it's a size smaller than yours."
My phone beeped for a message from my mother. Tinatanong niya kung anong oras ako uuwi kasi sasabay pa ako ng dinner sa kanila ni Dad. It was already 7:49 PM, so I needed to hurry up.
I slid my phone into my pocket and looked at the female staff. "Okay na 'yan, Ate. Paki-process na lang, please." Nginitian ko siya.
"Sige po."
Nang matapos sa boutique ay diretso akong hinatid ni Manong Fred sa bahay. I joined my parents for dinner. Sabay kami lagi kapag breakfast, pero minsan wala si Daddy kapag dinner kaya medyo big deal kay Mommy ang pagsabay namin sa hapunan ngayon. She was spamming me with messages kahit noong pauwi na kami.
The dinner was good. My parents reminded me to take my vitamins and to avoid staying up late at night. Sa totoo lang ay wala akong ganang kumain kasi maraming bumabagabag sa akin, pero pinilit ko na lang ang sariling umaktong ayos lang ako. My parents did not notice my low energy, but once I was alone in my roon, I cried again. Natulog akong may kaunting luha pa sa pisngi.
When I arrived at my cousins' house the next day, the whole place was already filled with their guests. Lahat ng mga panauhin ay halatang propesyunal at nasa mataas na antas ng lipunan. I saw it in the way they greeted each other, the way they held their champagne glasses, and the way they talked about the places they recently traveled to.
"Celia! There you are!" Tita Sylvie welcomed me with a warm hug.
I hugged her back. Sunod ko namang niyakap si Tito Lorenzo na nasa tabi niya. As usual, the power couple looked sleek and fashionable. Tita Sylvie was wearing a black sparkly dress with a plunging neckline. Meanwhile, Tito Lorenzo was sporting a velvet Armani suit that made him look like he came from old money, which was not true because he was a self-made man.
"Mon chéri, you look like you've lost some weight! Are my boys giving you a hard time? I told them not to do that!" Tita said while frowning. Her French accent was slipping out in her words.
Umiling ako. "No, Tita. Medyo marami lang talagang ginagawa ngayon sa school."
She grimaced. "No diploma is worth the illness, Celia. I hope you aren't overdoing it." Pinasadahan niya ng tingin ang aking damit at saka ngumisi. "Anyway, I like your dress! You are so stunning tonight!"
"Thank you po," I replied shyly.
Ang totoo niyan ay hindi ako kumportable sa suot ko. It was too tight. Medyo pumayat nga ako pero hapit na hapit pa rin ang dress sa aking katawan. Pakiramdam ko nakasuot ako ng corset dahil sa higpit nito sa bewang. It was also shorter than my usual dresses. I wanted to change it with something I'd already worn, but it was too pretty not to wear tonight. I had no choice but to take a risk.
Nagsimulang mag-usap ang mga magulang ko at sina Tito at Tita. Nanatili ako sa tabi nila at pinagmasdan na lang ang mga panauhing nagkakasiyahan. Some were chatting near the pool, some in the patio, and some here inside the house.
Hinanap ng mga mata ko ang aking mga pinsan. However, as I was searching the crowd for them, my eyes stopped at Zadkiel who was talking to two men. Agad na nagtama ang aming mga mata. Nasa may pool siya kaya napapagitnaan kami ng malaking glass window. That said, the sharpness and intensity of his gaze were still evident despite the distance between us.
Parang bigla akong masusuka na ewan. I didn't know he'd be here tonight! His jaw ticked as his gaze started to warm my skin. Para akong nagkaroon ng lagnat dahil doon. Imbes na magtagal ng tingin sa kanya'y ibinaling ko na lang ang atensyon sa mga kasamang nakakatanda.
I was not in the mood for hazel brown eyes.
"Jameson! How are you?" Tita Sylvie said.
Napatingin ako sa tinutukoy ni Tita Sylvie at nakita ang isang papalapit na lalaki. He was young, probably in his mid-20s. Matikas ang kanyang katawan at well-groomed ang appearance. He had a clean cut hair, straight white teeth, and perfectly tailored suit. Nagtama ang tingin namin kaya agad akong pinamulahan ng pisngi.
"Sylvie," he greeted then gave her a swift kiss on the cheek. Sunod niyang binalingan si Tito Lorenzo at kinamayan ito. "Welcome back to the Philippines."
"Thank you, Jameson. Nga pala, this is my brother, Regis Martin," pakilala ni Tita kay Dad. "And her wife, Alessia Martin."
Jameson smiled warmly at my parents. Nakipagkamayan siya kay Dad at hinalikan din sa pisngi si Mom. "Nice to meet you, Regis and Alessia."
Tita chuckled. "This is Jameson, one of the newest investors of the company. His family is mainly known for their real estate business, but he decided to explore and invest in our company for a change. He's also one of the hottest bachelors in the country right now!"
Jameson shook his head. "You're overselling it, Sylvie."
I suddenly felt like I needed to exit myself. Alam ko kasing business ang pag-uusapan nila at wala naman akong masyadong alam doon. Jameson turned to me and lifted another friendly smile. Pinasadahan niya ng isang tingin ang katawan ko bago ibinalik ang tingin sa aking mga mata. Tita Sylvie noticed it and pulled me a bit closer so I could face Jameson properly.
"This is Celia, my beautiful niece! She studies BS in Chemistry. Currently single, too..." She winked.
"Sylvie," awat ni Dad.
"Oh please, your daughter is of age, Regis. 'Wag ka ngang ano diyan!" Inirapan niya si Dad 'tsaka bahagya kaming tinulak ni Jameson paalis sa pwesto nila. "O siya, sige, Jameson, Celia, get to know each other over there. Don't return unless you can name 10 facts about each other!"
"Tita..." Medyo alanganin ko siyang tinignan.
"Go, Celia," pagtataboy niya. "We will bore you if you stay here with us."
Bumuntong-hininga ako at sinunod na lang ang sabi niya. Jameson offered his hand to me. I accepted it with a shy smile and let him lead me outside, away from my Tito and Tita and parents.
"I like your dress," Jameson said as we stopped near the pool.
Hinanap ng mga mata ko si Zadkiel dahil nasa bandang dito siya kanina. When I was sure he was not around here anymore, I let out a sigh of relief.
I turned to Jameson and smiled. "Thank you... I like your, uhm, suit, too."
He let out a masculine sound of satisfaction. "So... Shall we get started with those 10 facts?"
"H-huh? I think Tita Sylvie was just kidding when she said that. You don't have to get to know me if, uh, napipilitan ka lang."
"Napipilitan? Hindi ako napipilitan, Celia. I really want to get to know you."
Mas lalo akong pinamulahan ng pisngi. Oh gosh. My socially awkward self couldn't handle any of this.
"Well, before that, do you want any d-drink? I can get you some."
Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "Hmm. I don't know about letting a lady fetch a drink for me. Ako na ang kukuha para sa ating dalawa. What do you want? Perhaps some cocktail?"
"It's really okay!" I convinced. "I also need to go to the bathroom, so it's fine." Matamis ko siyang nginitian para mas makumbinsi pa siya lalo.
"You won't ditch me?" may bahid ng paglalaro ang kanyang boses.
"I won't! Why would I do that?"
He nodded and smiled. "Okay, then. I'll wait for you."
Nilibot ko ang aking tingin at nakitang medyo crowded ang loob ng bahay. If I entered through the front door, I would have a hard time, especially with this mini dress. Napagdesisyunan kong sa back door na lang dumaan.
I smiled back at Jameson before leaving him. Sa gilid ako ng bahay dumaan. Walang katao-tao rito kaya mas nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Being surrounded by fancy people was taxing. Pakiramdam ko bawat galaw ko ay kailangang tipid at planado. Otherwise, they would judge me or insult me behind my back.
Akmang liliko na ako patungo sa back door nang mapatigil dahil sa nakaharang sa daanan. Nakasandal si Zadkiel sa pader at tahimik na naninigarilyo. I even almost bumped at him! Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib at nagsimula na namang kabahan. He took a drag of his cigarette and blew out the smoke. We both watched it spread and disappear in thin air.
Halos matumba ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang ipukol niya ang kanyang mga mata sa akin. He looked mad and serious. Napaiwas ako ng tingin.
Something was happening to my body, but I really couldn't pinpoint what it was. I was also still emotionally drained from my conversation with Stefan yesterday, so I really didn't have any energy left to deal with the involuntary nervousness with Zadkiel. Akmang lalagpasan ko siya nang bigla niyang hawakan ang aking palapulsuhan. The heat of his palm made my breasts constrict.
"What the fuck are you wearing?" He sounded so annoyed and pissed off.
Nakakunot-noo ko siyang tinignan. "What are you talking about?"
"Your dress, Celia." Halatang naiinip na siya.
"Anong mali sa dress ko? Everyone said I looked okay."
He scoffed.
Huminga ako ng malalim at saka umiwas ng tingin. "Jameson liked it..."
"Well, I'm not Jameson, am I? I don't like your dress. Get some decent clothes upstairs and change it."
"Bakit nga? Ayos naman, ah?"
"I swear to God, Celia." He looked at me darkly. "Just fucking change it, okay?"
Sa inis ko ay hinablot ko ang kamay ko mula sa kanya. Sino ba siya para utusan ako? Mabait at masunurin akong tao pero hindi ako tanga. I did not see the need to follow him after all he said to me in our last conversation.
"Why will I change it? I've received nothing but compliments the whole night. Ikaw lang naman ata ang may problema sa dress ko, eh!"
"Compliments? From who? Jameson? How sure are you that he wasn't just saying it to get under your pants?"
"He's not like that!"
Namilog saglit ang kanyang mga mata bago bumalik sa pagiging madilim at seryoso. "You met him just a few minutes ago. Dinedepensahan mo na agad?"
I didn't know if it was the pressure of the party, the exhaustion from school, the heavy feelings I had for Stefan just the day before, or the rejection I received from him, but I just lost any reservations I had.
Bakit ba kailangan ko laging magpanggap na ayos lang sa akin lahat? Bakit kailangan kong i-set aside ang nararamdaman ko para mapasaya at sundin lahat ng nasa paligid ko? When will I ever learn to voice out my feelings?
"Yes!" I exclaimed. "I am defending him! At least he's nice enough to compliment me and not insult me just like you!"
"Well, excuse me for not being nice. I'm not fucking faking smiles and making handshakes to please anyone. Now go ahead and change before I tell your cousins you're busy blushing for some random bastard."
What? Did he just call Jameson that? Ano bang alam niya sa kanya? At bakit masyado naman ata siyang affected sa damit ko e hindi naman siya ang may suot nito?
Frustrated ko siyang tinignan. "Ano ba kasing mali sa damit ko? You are making a big deal out of this! It looks okay! Even Tita Sylvie said so! What's your problem—"
"My problem is you look like a fucking slut!" His gaze traveled down my body, to my lips, then to my eyes. Huminahon siya bago hinulog at inapakan ang kanyang sigarilyo. "Go to your room and change, Celia. Now. Or I'll do it myself."