Perrie decided to text Leigh-Anne and Jade later that night. This was of course after her much-needed crying session over Jesy that was long overdue.
She hadn't allowed herself to feel the real sorrow of losing someone. Of losing Jesy.
She had simply just shut it away and placed it on a shelf so she could reach for it when she wanted to. Sometimes she cried but would stop herself after a few minutes.
The woman didn't want to come to terms with any of it, but then she saw Jesy's video to her, and she slowly began to feel that it was okay to cry.
That it was okay to feel these emotions.
Her sadness and pain were normal things that people felt, and deep down, Perrie knew this.
Even if she didn't want to believe it, Jesy had said herself that she was allowed to feel mad, so she could add being fucking pissed off to her list of the emotions that she felt daily.
Sleep came easier than usual to her that night, but Perrie didn't take a minute to think why. If she had, she would've more than likely concluded that hearing Jesy speak to her brought her a form of comfort that no one else, not even Jade or Leigh, could bring. They both knew this, and it didn't hurt their feelings.
They understood that what Perrie felt was not the same as what they felt. The two of them felt the loss of a friend. A close friend.
But Perrie felt the loss of a friend, a lover, a soulmate some might say.
All of her feelings were being mashed together until she couldn't distinguish which aspect of the mourning process she was going through. It didn't matter in the present, but Perrie definitely knew that she wasn't anywhere near the end. She wouldn't be for a very long time.
When the blonde woke the next morning, she stretched instantly, her hand running over an empty spot on the bed.
It was cold. It felt weird. Out of place.
It felt like someone was supposed to be there, but they weren't.
This was correct, and Perrie was sure of this, so she looked over at the empty spot and inhaled deeply. She took a minute to slow her breathing before forcing herself to get up as she grabbed her phone and checked for messages, two notifications catching her eye.
One was from Kamille, the other from Claude.
Perrie recalled the fact that she had barely spoken to them since Jesy passed. To be honest, she had spoken to no one except for Leigh-Anne and Jade, but she should've tried getting in contact with Kamille and Claude. She felt bad and silently cursed herself for not even asking how they felt.
Then she began to think that there was a chance that they would understand. She didn't think they were mad at her. They could possibly just be scared that Perrie had shut everyone out. It was a common reaction.
Fear, that is.
Perrie blew out a heavy breath before going into the bathroom and then completing her morning routine. The Geordie put her hair in a ponytail, Perrie already having taken a shower the night before.
Her eyes were red, a small frown appearing on her lips at the sight. She couldn't stand that her eyes were red. They showed that she had been crying, and the last thing she needed was to go out in public with red eyes. Seeing that in itself would reveal too much, and she wasn't ready to share.
She didn't think she would ever be truly ready to share.
A quiet sigh left her lips before she looked down, the feeling of fur rubbing up against her ankles, making her smile softly. Hatchi gazed up at her, Perrie picking him up and kissing him softly on the head. He licked her nose in return, the blonde giggling.
The woman put him down before walking out of the bathroom, Hatchi on her heels. Even with his excitement, he seemed to sense that something was off in the house. Maybe he knew that something had happened to Jesy. That she wouldn't be coming back.
Perrie wondered if he somehow knew as she switched clothes into a pair of sweatpants and one of Jesy's sweatshirts, a smile gracing her lips. She already knew what she was going to do. Where she was going to go.
It wasn't much of a question.
The place was special to Jesy and Perrie.
It was where they first kissed.
It was where Jesy, very nervously, poured her heart out for Perrie to see.
It was where Perrie first realized that she truly loved Jesy and wanted to be with her for the rest of her life.
To anyone else, it was a normal place. The scenery was beautiful. The sight off the cliffside was something otherworldly, but to Jesy and Perrie, this place was more than that and it was where they shared many of their most memorable moments.
Perrie didn't eat breakfast before she left the house. That was something she still couldn't get herself to do. She would eat when she got home. The thought of inviting Leigh and Jade over for lunch crossed her mind. She wasn't quite ready to face Kamille and Claude in person, but she would most definitely text them when she was back home.
The drive over to the location felt longer than usual.
Maybe the absence of a wild brunette sitting beside her cracking jokes or singing along to songs in the car was the cause of this. It could've also been that Perrie was remembering everything
Not just the things that she could recall before Jesy had taken her life, but the small things before even that occurred.
Perrie thought about the things Jesy had said or done. Whether they were small or big, didn't matter. Those things still created an impact on the Geordie that affected her. It was mainly the small things that she was thinking about as she drove.
How Jesy would just burst into giggles and couldn't even tell Perrie why she was laughing.
How Jesy would always leave the closet door open and Perrie would continuously tell her to close it, but the older woman wouldn't listen. This didn't bother Perrie, but she found it funny.
How Jesy would make a face of disgust when Hatchi licked her cheek. Jesy always stressed to Perrie how much she hated dogs, but Hatchi was different Perrie assumed. Perrie knew that Jesy had initially hated Hatchi but then she was forced to be around him more and she seemed to love him, even when she tried to hide it.
These were only a few of the things that floated around in her mind.
When she finally arrived at the usual parking spot, she took a minute to breathe before turning her car off and getting out. Then it was like nostalgia hit her in the face.
All of the memories of being at the cliffside came rushing back to her at full force, and Perrie couldn't stop them.
She could recall the feeling of Jesy grabbing her hand and giggling and smiling like a child as she ran towards the cliffside. It felt fresh in her mind in some odd, twisted way.
It was like she could still feel her.
It was like she could hear her laughing and see her smiling until she complained about how much her cheeks hurt.
Perrie could recall how nervous Jesy had become the day that she revealed to Perrie how she felt. She had basically been shaking and in the mindset that Perrie would reject her.
Now, in the current time, Perrie felt hurt that Jesy could possibly believe she was unlovable.
She felt hurt that Jesy believed she was unworthy of something that people searched their whole lives for. That she just happened to stumble upon because she took a shot at a dream in the dark without knowing if it would land anywhere.
Jesy had taken a leap of faith, and Perrie was there to catch her.
Every time.
She never left her. She never let her fall and hit the ground.
She gave her space to breathe. She let her have her alone time when needed, but Perrie questioned if alone time was actually what Jesy needed. It might have been what she thought that she needed, but if that was true or not was a mystery.
It was something undiscoverable, and Perrie would have to live the rest of her life knowing this.
Somewhere deep in her heart, as she walked away from her car and towards the edge of the cliff that overlooked a body of water, she remembered moments.
Moments in time where she only saw Jesy.
Her and nothing else.
She only saw the Essex native, and she was fine with that. Perrie felt that she could look at Jesy for eternity and never get bored.
Correction, she knew she could.
Almost as if Jesy was standing beside her, she heard her murmur something about how much she loved Perrie.
They shared many moments at this particular cliffside.
They learned to love at this place.
This place of smiles, laughter, truths, and even lies.
This place that they came to love because its roots of origin ran only less deep than their love for each other.
This place of wonder where Perrie could feel Jesy's presence all around her.
In the wind.
In the trees.
In the waves.
In her body, tugging and pulling her to one spot.
A spot where they had their first kiss.
A spot that spoke volumes about the love they shared.
A spot at this place where a journey of tears, pain, love, and passion had begun.
"One day, I'll be okay." Her voice was barely a whisper above the wind, her eyes glassy. "It won't be soon, but one day."
---
A/N:
It's not much, but I like the way I wrote most of it. I'm not used to being so descriptive and it shows because if you look at my writings from a few months ago (edit: I just looked and my last update on my oneshot book was in May. I just died) it's completely different. Like the contrast in then versus now is absolutely insane.
So, I was going to say this is short and sweet but it's only one of those... sorry not sorry.
If you've read this far, feel free to leave a comment and I'm sorry that I posted this but I swear it was as hard to write this as it was to read it. I would have loved to expand on it more, but I just got the idea to revise a oneshot that was originally like three sentences and make it into this. It's really not a lot, but I hope at least a few people liked reading it!
I don't know what else to say because I actually feel bad for posting this right now like I'm so sorry 😭 Love you guys!