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chapter song - about you by 1975
It's weird how I used to be in love with silence. The small, quiet sounds I could finally hear because everything else had just shut off. No one was talking, no one was interrupting. No sounds of engines revving, people yelling, crying. Those moments of silence when I would finally get away from everyone...I wanted to stay like that forever.
The silence I get when I wake up with an empty space beside me on the bed doesn't give me that same feeling.
Instead it's deafening. I turn to see the wrinkled sheets where Franny once was and something gouges its way into my chest so sharply I have to hold back a wince. It's not a surprise that she isn't here. I have to go back to America, and she probably doesn't want to wait around for something that can't happen.
I consider the idea that maybe I've gotten her out of my system now. A high school love that has finally floated away from me. But when I turn my head and press my cheek into the pillow as the sun beams right into my eye from between the curtains, I smell her perfume.
What feels like a million memories of last night flash into my mind and my fingers slowly curl into the palm of my hand, because there's nothing to hold onto, no one to hold close. She isn't here.
She's gone because you're going to leave for your life in America, and she's going to continue her life here. And you're going to fall away from each other all over again.
Except this time I'm not sure how well I'm going to recover.
I slowly pack my bag. Taking my time, pretending for a moment what it would be like if I lived here permanently. If I didn't have to leave. Instead of packing my bags to leave, I was just getting ready for Fran to come back. To come home.
I'm probably asking too much to ever think I'll be her home.
My phone goes off and I can already feel the dread slamming into me when I see my manager's name across the screen. The PR team have finally had a break since I stopped acting like an idiot and went to Canada for a bit, but I can already feel that rest is going to end soon.
"Will," I answer.
"You packed?" he asks.
I sigh. "Yeah, I'm basically ready to go."
"Okay, good," Will says. "Look, I'm sorry we had to cut your vacation a little short. But...I don't want to tell you over the phone, son."
I frown, sitting down on the couch. "What do you mean? What's wrong?"
"I have to tell you it in person. When you get in, drop your stuff off and meet us down at the firm. Your lawyers and theirs will be there to explain everything."
"Their lawyers?" I ask.
"It's nothing...bad. Just unexpected. This kind of stuff doesn't happen too often and I'm just not sure how you'll react. I'm hoping the vacation helped."
"I mean I feel better in general, I guess. But it's nothing bad? Nothing's wrong?"
Will sighs and the sound is so exhausted I can tell he's been dealing with this for a while. "Whether or not it's bad will depend on who you ask. We don't care what you decide, we'll figure it out whatever you want to do."
"Will, stop talking in damn riddles will ya?"
"Ty...if I could have this kind of conversation of the phone I would. But I promise that you need to be told...to see this in person."
I sigh, knowing I'm not going to manage to get anything out of him or anyone else on the team. "Alright, alright. I'll drop my stuff off at home then head to the office. Need to call my parents to check in first."
"Yeah, of course kid. Do what you need to do. We'll figure this out."
Figure fucking what out?
"You're heading straight to New York, right?" Will asks.
"Packed up and sold the Miami home when I left. The New York apartment is all I've got now."
"The city will help?"
"New York will help?" I ask skeptically.
"Well, having a bird shit on you everyday will put things into perspective nicely."
I roll my eyes. "Alright, asshole. I'll see you later."
We say goodbye and I hang up the phone. The anxiety over leaving Franny has now tripled to just a jumbled mess in my head after the call. Luckily the flight is quick from Toronto to New York. But part of me wishes it was longer just so I could pretend for a little longer that I can float among the clouds and not have to deal with whatever shit show is waiting for me in the US.
I glance back towards the bedroom where freshly washed sheets and bedding has been neatly put back on the bed. Probably not going to tell Kyle I fucked on his bed.
My fingers twitch, wanting to be transported back to last night. To feel Franny's skin against mine, her lips on mine, her hands on me. I want to bury my nose in her neck and never have to leave. Want to bury myself in her.
"Fuck's sake," I mutter, seconds away from getting hard and also being sad like a fucking loner.
A split second of happiness gone before I can even blink. I almost want to slap myself for being so hung up over an ex. But this isn't just an ex, is it?
I slam the door behind me when I leave.
I drag the suitcase down the stairs in the small apartment complex, which honestly I'm convinced Kyle is spending too much on, and managed to stumble out the door like a wreck.
Only to come face to face with Fran.
Her eyes widen when she sees me, and she pauses mid step.
"I didn't know if you'd already left..." she trails off, her fingers fiddling awkwardly with a button on her cardigan.
I blink, because then all I can see is the fact that she's wearing a small cardigan with only the first few buttons done and her toned stomach is showing from the gap left in the middle of the cardigan. And now all I can think about is what it felt like to lick her stomach-
Oh my fucking god, Tyler.
"You came back," I manage to find words.
"I just didn't like the idea that...well...things would just end like that. Unless you do want them to end then that's fine, I get that, I'll go I just wanted to check before you left which was probably stupid-"
"Fran," I try to cut her off. "Fran. Spiralling, babe."
Her cheeks flush at the name and I sigh.
"I don't want it to end like that either." I say. "I didn't want it to end like it did before as well."
Franny bites her lip. "We said we'd keep in touch."
"We did," I concede. "For a couple years."
"Two," she says softly. "Is that all I'm gonna get this time too? Two years?"
"Not if I can stop it," I say fiercely.
She looks up at me and her eyes are slightly glassy. "But you're the one who stopped talking first."
And there it is. It hits me like a truck because she's right. I was the one that pulled away first during college. When the messages became less and less. When it was then just a birthday or Christmas message. Until it was nothing. Not even liking pictures. Not checking in. Like I'd never even been there.
"I don't want to know that you're going to forget about me all over again," Fran says softly, eyes shining. "And then I'm going to forget about you and this is just going to be a small blip we'll barely think about in the future."
I shake my head before she's even done talking and close the space between us. I place my hands on either side of her head and gently graze my thumb over her temple. I bring my face down, almost pressing my head against hers. "If I lose contact with you again, it will be the biggest regret of my life."
Fran blinks at me, eyes darting between mine, trying to find the truth in my words. She lets out a shaky breath.
"And I'm not a man that allows himself to make regrets anymore," I say.
My forehead tilts down to rest against hers and I'm sure if I wasn't wound so tight right now my lip would be trembling like hers.
"I told you this trip wasn't enough," I say softly. "One night isn't going to be enough for me."
"You say that now..." she speaks quietly against my lips.
"I was a kid, Fran. I had no idea what I wanted. Letting things go was always easier for me."
Her eyes focus and a sad smile tugs at her lips slightly. "Letting things die out instead of chasing after them was easier for me too."
"You won't have to worry about chasing after me," I say. "I'm not disappearing again, Howard."
"You better not, Madden," she says before leaning up and pressing her lips against mine.
One of my hands moves to cup the back of her neck and I consider trying to memorize this moment into my mind. To sear every sound and touch into my mind so I never have to forget what Franny would feel like if she was mine. But I force myself not to.
I'm not going to lose her again.
We pull away from each other and I stare into those brown eyes before tugging her into a hug, wrapping her tightly in my arms. I remind myself this isn't a goodbye. She's not going anywhere, and neither am I. A couple hours between us isn't going to be enough to keep me away from her.
Time to stop running.
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