I saw Linnea yesterday.
I had just gotten done with therapy at 8 and then drove home, it is a long drive.
When I saw her she didn't even say anything to me she just looked at me and walked away.
That hurt, a lot.
I don't understand, okay I do. I deserve it. I deserve to be hurt.
Something horrible happened, just after we applied to the U Not even 2 weeks later I got the visit I dreaded most in this world.
The visit that shattered my whole. Entire. World.
After the incident I was broken, broken beyond repair.
There was nobody who could put the pieces back together the pain was almost unbearable.
A world that was once full of happiness, love, and hope became one of sadness, grief, and despair.
Like a switch, my life turned off and I started to run on auto-pilot waiting for a crash to happen so then maybe, just maybe the pain could end.
Then once college started I knew even though it was hard I had to go.
And plus I would have Linnea by my side. Or so I thought.
I tried, I really tried to stay strong and happy for her. I was the light she needed in her life. But I wasn't strong enough, I knew I wasn't, I became cold, sad and I did not want Linnea to be around me like that.
I didn't want to drag her down or make her world dark. She deserves all the light the world has to offer.
So I distanced myself, and it was the biggest choice I regret making but I know why I did it so hopefully I can find a way to live with myself for it.
It would be selfish of me to drop all of my feelings and pain onto her she doesn't need to hear all of that.
It's been 3 years. Since the incident. Ever since I became a dark cloud, but even just thinking about Linnea brings some joy back into my life. I'm better though now. I went to therapy ever since it happened and now recently I've been feeling really good.
Me 2-3 years ago wouldn't leave his room, he only left the room for school, groceries, and basketball practice that's it.
Now I'm back in basketball better than ever.
I lost love for the sport after the incident but my dad convinced me to stick with it. So I did, I just want them to be proud of me.
I hope they are proud of me.
I've also gotten back into cooking and baking. My mom taught me how to cook and bake.
I love cooking for other people, the way it can make people so happy. The way you can change someone's day by giving them baked goods. It's truly amazing.
Another thing I've gotten into again is music, I used to be a part of a boy band back at home. We would play in my garage, i usually wrote the songs. Played guitar and sometimes sang songs. I loved it.
Especially writing songs, the way words can say so much more if you put them together with some beats.
Now here I am 3 years later in college majoring in business and a minor in music.
Throughout our childhood, she was one of the only friends I had and I was hers. We were inseparable.
It hurts me to think about how it used to be and what it's now become.
Hopefully, someday we can become friends again, I would trade all that I have for her even to just be back in my life.
Even if it was just for five more minutes.
We have many mutual friends so of course I see her places when we hang out as a group.
Those are my favorite times of the day.
We haven't had a conversation past the basic greetings in over 3 years though. I miss it. Well except when Tyler got lost when we went ice skating.
I doubt she even thinks about our friendship anymore. I wouldn't either if I was in her position.
But if by some miracle she does I hope we find our way back into each other's lives.
Even though I'm better now it doesn't mean I can just waltz back into her like all "Hey Lills sorry I've practically shoved you out of my life for 3 years but funny story I didn't really have a choice"
But I did have a choice, that's the issue. I was immature and did what I thought was best.
"Reid!" A loud voice bellowed.
I flinched startled, I looked up from the gym floor to see Coach and his death stare.
"Reid, would you like you repeat the instructions I just gave?" Coach said with a look like he knew I would not be able to.
I stood there, unable to repeat since I had no idea what he was talking about.
"Well then" Coach slaps a hand on my back "looks like Reid here has gifted you the lovely privilege of, now wait for it" he giggled. Yes. He giggled.
"Killers!!!!" He yelled, the sound bouncing off the walls.
(Killers is a sprinting drill)
The team groans and heads to the line at the head of the court.
Later that day
........
"You know, someday you'll go far I really and I mean really hope you stay there." I overhear Tyler explaining to who could only be Dayton.
"Your ass must be pretty tired from all the shit that comes out your mouth" Dayton replies.
"Ewww gross! That was very, just ugh." Tyler's 10-year-old brother Oliver, says.
He stays with us sometimes in our house.
I feel a tug on my sleeve, I look down to see Oliver gesturing for me to lean down so he can say something.
"Can we go to the sonic?" He whisperers in my ear. Teaching them young.
He knows the answer considering it's 9 pm on a night we have school and he's getting picked up any second.
I gesture for him to come closer so I can give him a response. He looks hopeful.
"No" I whisper laughing internally at the frustrated look he gives me.
I ruffle his hair a bit and tell him maybe next time.
As If on cue the doorbell rings and Tyler goes to answer it. Ms. Fischer is on the other side of the door.
I greet her and go to find Oliver and tell him to pack his bags.
We bid Oliver and Ms. Fischer goodbye and shut the door behind them.
Dayton, Tyler and I sit on the couch, snacking on chips and drinking soda.
I met Tyler in my freshman year of college when I was at my worst. But he never judged me. He's a part of the reason I got better.
He's very much the player type, I just hope he finds someone who makes him happy. He loves computers and programming and playing video games it's pretty cool.
Dayton on the other hand plays the drums, is a boxer, loves to read, and is on the basketball team with me.
"Alright boys, I'm going to head to bed," Dayton says getting up and walking time his room.
Tyler and I bid him goodnight then go back to watching TV.
"Have you tried taking to her" Tyler asks softly.
He knows the whole situation I've talked to him about it a lot.
"Nah man, not yet. I want to though, soon. I just don't know how she feels about it" I explain
"Do you miss her?" He asks already knowing the answer.
"More than you could ever know" I whisper looking down at the floor.
I miss having a real friend like her to talk to, don't get me wrong Dayton and Tyler are amazing it's just different with them.
With her, I've known her practically my whole life.
She was there from the beginning and I will cherish that for the rest of my life.
Her kindness, her compassion, and the love she has for other people despite all the bad things that have happened only make me appreciate her even more every day.
........
flashback
Age: 7
15 years ago
I'm playing the guitar in my dad's garage with my buddies from school, this is the best time we've played this song yet!
The singing, the guitar everything! It's so so cool.
Even our drummer Liam is hitting it! Yeah, Liam never hits it so this is a very big day for us. A Very special day.
Not only are we playing this song so well, there's a very pretty girl watching us play.
That would be my best friend, Linnea. She's amazing, she was the first person to ever talk to me on our very first day of kindergarten.
She sits on a plastic crate with pigtails In her hair, a pink shirt, and some overalls. Shes swinging her legs back and forth watching enthusiastically.
She's always nice to people, she has pretty hair, pretty eyes, and a very pretty face she's just pretty. Not only that but she's strong, she's so strong.
She's stronger than half the boys In our grade! Today at school, the older kids were picking on me, they said I wore ugly clothes and ugly shoes.
It hurt my feelings a lot I started to cry. Lills yelled at them telling them to go, well I can't say those words it's bad words.
But she said it and whoah, I will just say that my best friend is amazing.
She always sticks up for me no matter what. And I do the same for her.
I also may have a tiny tiny crush on her.
Flashback end
........
I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I sigh getting up off the couch suddenly feeling very tired, and walking to my room to go to sleep.
.........
HELLO LUVSS
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