Isabella allowed herself a second of panic before she disentangled their bodies, her skin still feverish from their kissing, and already missing the warmth emanating from his skin.
He mimicked her actions, and by the time Fenrys found them, they were already standing, with enough space between them that there was not a hint left of what they had been doing. Except for the fact that they were both breathless, that his lips were reddish swollen, a slight blush tinted his cheeks and Rowan's hair had come undone due to her hands running wildly through it, pulling and tugging. She could only imagine how she looked.
Similar, or, probably, worse.
Fenrys appeared from within two bushes, and he looked from one to the other before a contained smile tugged at his lips. He coughed and Isabella had to fist her hands in order to prevent herself from groaning and covering her face in complete shame. She was not strong enough. Her hands shielded her from Fenrys' knowing eyes and Rowan's piercing stare.
They began talking in the old language of the Fae -about her, undoubtedly- so once she revealed her burning face, she let her hands fall idly to her sides. Isabella allowed herself a fast glimpse in Rowan's direction, and noticed that the male was pointedly ignoring Fenrys' gaze, whose eyes were glinting with banters probably dying to leave his lips. The Wolf of Doranelle opened his mouth to remedy that, but she beat him to it.
"I should go. I'm tired" A visibly forced yawn had her stretching her arms in an awkward attempt at normalcy. "And it is quite late, isn't it?"
She realised how strongly Fenrys was trying to contain his laughter when he choked out, the sound almost painful, "Indeed"
"Right. Yes. I'll go." She muttered quickly. So much that they were barely more than a blur before she sprinted back to their camping zone. In her rush, she almost tripped twice.
There, she had to pinch her inner wrist to ward off her urge to pull at her hair until it all fell off. Her breathing had turned shallow, and she had the sudden need to run away instead of facing any of the males ever again, for she knew that there was no way that what had occurred between her and Rowan could ever remain secret. Not with Fenrys' nosy ass already rubbing his hands together with delight at his knowledge. The boy loved gossip more than his own reflection.
Isabella was keenly aware of her state, and knew without a doubt that she would not be able to fall asleep, so instead, her feet moved to their own accord, stopping next to the tallest male she had ever seen.
"Lorcan," She whisper-yelled. The panic was palpable in her voice. The male remained with his eyes closed, and he even snored.
Too anxious to care, she kicked his arm with the tip of her boot. "Stand up, you lousy weasel I know you are awake,"
He opened a single eye, and squinted it at her. "No," He replied, curtly, and turned on his bedroll so that his back was to her.
She didn't have time for his dramatics. She kicked him again. "Lorcan, this is serious"
"I doubt it"
"It is " She whispered louder.
"Go talk to Gavriel, he's the eldest. I want to sleep" He grunted. Unmoving.
"But I need to talk with you"
That had his attention, she realised it by the way his shoulders tensed in alert. Or, more accurately, in interest . "Do you, now?" He sounded way too entertained for her liking.
"Yes, now stand up and follow me" She didn't glance his way again before she turned in her heels and stormed off to the opposite direction to where Rowan and Fenrys were.
Once they were far away enough that she had no doubt the others wouldn't be able to eavesdrop, she turned to face him. He looked curious by the situation, and when she brought her arms to her middle, in an uneasy gesture meant to bring her comfort -and terribly failing- he only raised his eyebrows. Unimpressed. Unbothered.
Asshole.
She took a breath, "I fucked up"
"No shit," He muttered, bemused.
"No, I mean I really fucked up" She enunciated her words.
He sighed. "Alright, what happened?"
She looked away from him, heat creeping up her neck and cheeks. Unsurprisingly, she felt her body begin to sweat. "I may have..."
"You may have..." He urged her on, impatiently.
Her eyes fell shut in shame. "I kissed Rowan"
When her confession was met with silence, she popped one of her eyes open to peek at the male. Lorcan's expression was one of complete shock. His eyes were wide, and his lips had fallen open, forming a stunned, silent o . Stupefied.
Lorcan blinked. Once. Twice. He cleared his throat as he tried to compose himself. "You...what?"
She groaned. "I kissed him"
" You, " He pointed at her with his finger for good measure. "Kissed him . Rowan" The astonishment in his voice was quite insulting.
"Yes, that's what I said"
"And he kissed you back?" His voice had grown even more amazed.
"Yes," She gritted through her teeth. Was that so hard to believe? She wondered to herself.
A taunting smile tugged at his lips, "Then what is the problem? Did you wake me up just to tell me the dirty details? Because if you did I don't want to hear them. But Fenrys will"
Isabella pinched the bridge of her nose. "One, you were not sleeping. I may not have your sharpened senses but even I can recognize your fake snores to the real ones" She stared at him, and as he opened his mouth, indignantly, she raised her hand to stop him in his tracks. "And two, the problem is that it was a mistake"
He looked at her as one would a little child. "How can that be a mistake? You did not trip and your lips fell on his. You were not hallucinating and mistook him for someone else" He was counting with his fingers as he spoke.
Before he could continue, she stopped him. "I know . But it was still a mistake"
"Why?" He crossed his arms over his chest, as if ready to refute all of her arguments.
"Because it shouldn't have happened" She tried to explain.
Lorcan cocked his head to the side. "Why?" He repeated.
"Because..." Her throat closed and she felt her eyes burn with unshed tears.
He dropped his arms, and she could have sworn he sounded almost...fearful as he asked. "Did you not want to?" Isabella shook her head and looked up to the starry night sky. "Then, what is it?" His voice was as soft as Lorcan could get this time.
She pressed her palms to her eyes, as if the action could ward her eyes from crying. "I shouldn't have kissed him because we are friends"
Lorcan snorted. "Friends kiss each other all the time"
She allowed her hands to fall as she raised an eyebrow. "Truly," Her voice was exasperated and full of sarcasm. "I had no idea,"
He shrugged, his demeanour back to one of relaxation. Perhaps, even enjoyment. "I see no problem in friends becoming lovers"
"Then you go and kiss Fenrys" She shot back.
He growled. "What does that have to do with anything? I wouldn't kiss that male even if someone paid me to do so"
"Liar liar, pants on fire" She said in a sing-song voice.
"I'm going back to bed" He grumbled, his back already to her.
She was quick to stop him, her hand already gripping his wrist. "No, no. Don't leave. Please, I'm sorry" She hurried to tell him, her need for someone to be with her was clear in every word that left her lips. She was afraid of the turns that her mind could spiral onto if she were left alone. Which only made her angry with herself.
Lorcan must have noticed it, for the male looked at her with a faint emotion that Isabella could not decipher, but he nodded. And stayed. So she sighed in relief. She let go of his hand and occupied her trembling ones with dusting off her clothes.
"Isabella," She had never heard his voice in that tone before. So low and full of emotion. Understanding. Pity, too. Probably.
"I just," She closed her eyes. Breathed. Opened them again. "I kissed him because I was tired of always repeating the past" The truth came in bits of words that made sense, even if other parts of it remained hidden inside of her.
But once they were out, she couldn't stop. "I am so tired of myself, Lorcan. I feel like everything I live, everything I feel is a constant circle of fear, uncertainty, guilt, and false improvements. Everything is a repetition of my past. All day, I whine. All day I complained. All day I pretend like I'm better and then I fall asleep and cannot even breathe. I'm just so tired of being like this. I want to change. I want to be better. Stronger. Independent. I want to leave my ghost behind and finally be someone whom I can live with" She was breathless due to everything she had bottled up inside of her...forever.
She couldn't remember a time in her life when she had not wished she was different. When she had not wished she could get rid of her skin and become someone else entirely. Someone who didn't panic about going to a party. Someone who didn't grow nervous when others looked at her. Someone who wasn't so internally broken that the ruptures had begun showing on her skin.
Lorcan remained silent as she composed herself, as she stopped shaking and willed herself to get a grip of herself. But his gaze was on her. And it was so full of warmth that it almost brought her to her tears, because it didn't matter that she knew him for less than a year, or that he was often a grumpy asshole whose sensibility could not do wonders, and that he would always complain about everything and anything because he would also always be by her side.
He would always be her friend.
So when he brought a hand to her head, and gently guided her to his chest, she did break down in tears, for he hugged her like a brother would. And she could not remember how her own family's warmth had felt.
When she had calmed down, he rubbed his hand in shooting circles at her back, and whispered. "You know you are the only one who could ever change that" His words were not meant to be condescending, they were -somehow- reassuring.
"I know" Her words were muffled by her tears and his shirt. "But I can't. I think- I think there is something wrong with me" Always been.
To her surprise, Lorcan's body shook with laughter. "There are a lot of people who would tell you there are a lot of things wrong with me, Isabella."
"I-"
"And do I look like I care? Or like I need to change?"
"No,"
"Because I don't. There is something wrong with them . But not me. I'm great"
She chuckled. "You sound like Fenrys"
He groaned. "Don't mention his name or I'll mention Rowan's"
She groaned in response and they both chuckled. Isabella squeezed him once more before she let go of him. They stood in front of the other, and for some reason, she felt taller.
Lorcan cocked his head. "Do you regret kissing him?"
"Yes," But also, no.
He clenched his jaw as he nodded. "And what are you going to do about it?"
She looked away, suddenly embarrassed by the memory of Rowan's hands on her. "I'm going to run away and never look him in the eye again?"
Lorcan rolled his eyes so strongly that she was sure he would stay stuck like that. But he didn't. Sadly. "If you truly want to change, then I'll recommend you to stop hanging out with Boyo. His ridiculousness is beginning to be contagious" Isabella snickered at his words. "And maybe stop whining so much. Crying is fine and natural, but whining can get a little bit annoying" He enunciated his words in such a way that she couldn't help but laugh once again. "But apart from that, I don't really think there is anything for you to change. You are alright, kid" He shrugged.
For both of their sakes, she did not cry. Instead, she asked. "Kid? Really?"
"Consider it...a term of...Endearment" The words seemed to pain him, but she knew him, and appreciated him and his efforts.
"Okay," She agreed, and that was that.
-
Rowan was sure he was dreaming, because there was no way in all of the worlds that he had finally kissed Isa only to be interrupted by Fenrys. No. No way.
But Fate must be a cruel, little bitch, because he was indeed staring at a laughing male -who happened to be his friend- instead of running his hands all over Isabella's warm body.
He repressed a shiver by the memory, his hands itching with the need to run to her side. He didn't need Fenrys to laugh more at him.
"Oh, sweet Lani, I cannot wait to tell the others" Fenrys said, devilishly.
"Say a word to the others and I'll break your nose so that it stays forever crooked" Rowan threatened, aware of the wolf's biggest fear and insecurity: an ugly nose. Gods, was he vain.
Fnerys gasped, a hand to his chest, his eyes squinted at him. "You wouldn't dare"
"Try. Me"
He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh, as if already done with his ass. The irony was not lost to Rowan. " Fine , I will not mutter a word of this," Rowan couldn't even let out a sigh of relief before he continued. " If you tell me absolutely everything" The glint in the wolf's eyes was something both terrifying and absurd.
"No," He would never speak a word of what had taken place in this forest if Isabella did not want to.
That's why he didn't want Fenrys to tell the rest about it, because the male was dangerous, he could gossip even with the dead if it was interesting enough. And he didn't want Isabella to feel uncomfortable around them -mostly him-. He wanted her to be happy with what had happened, he wanted- he wanted too many things. But most importantly, she wanted her to feel welcomed and at home with them -him- and there was a high probability that that would be ruined if Fenrys had his way with the piece of gossip that they had left at his feet.
Rowan mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. Fenrys could smell tittle-tattles better than he could hunt. He should have insisted they went somewhere else. Or, even better, he should have continued kissing Isabella senseless -or was she the one who had turned him senseless?- while he carried her to a place where they couldn't be interrupted.
"Killjoy" Fenrys pouted, but Rowan couldn't bring himself to care, he was too busy planning ways to murder him while regretting not thinking clearly.
Although...he hadn't been thinking clearly. He had been too busy, too lost in Isabella's warmth and the need, the urge, to protect her, to make her feel better that he had completely forgotten himself.
"Hey, are you okay?" Fenrys asked him, tentatively.
But Rowan could not speak. He couldn't do anything but think. He had been so desperate, drowning in his thirst for her that he had let her touch him. He had let her kiss him. Not only that, but he had kissed her back.
The realisation that he had taken advantage of her while she had been vulnerable, while she had less than five minutes ago been crying because...because she was still aching and not ready.
The thought struck him like lightning, the knowledge that she had only kissed him because of the moment, because she had needed a distraction -just like she had done with all the mortals she had taken to her bed at Morath-, that she didn't really want him.
It nearly broke him.
Perhaps it did, because he could not hear a thing, he could barely see due to the black dots in his vision, his body felt like a stranger, something not of his or in his control.
He couldn't fathom how he was still standing -was he?-, he was not sure. There was nothing, and then there was her, and now it lay crumbled at his feet. And it was his fault. Again. He couldn't -no- what-
"Alright, that's enough" Fenrys voice was muffled by the ringing in his ears, but suddenly, he felt his knees on the floor, and his forehead pressed to the earth. "You are alright, buddy. Calm down. I need you to calm down"
Rowan couldn't. He was burning with shame for what he had done, desire for a memory, and guilt for still wishing for gentle touch from her.
"I really need you to calm down, you are making a mess" Fenrys voice rang louder this time.
His words didn't make any sense. The only mess was Rowan himself.
"Rowan, STOP! YOU'LL ALERT EVERYONE OF WHERE WE ARE"
What?
He raised his head from the floor, and found wind roaring in circles, Around him . The trees were rattling and fallen leaves had joined his wind in the building hurricane that his magic had created. The fear that overtook him made his fingers twitch. Immediately, he pulled at the strings of his magic, and all movement stopped. The leaves fell to the floor, the new empty branches from the trees around them were still -almost as if afraid of him- and Rowan still laid on the floor.
He looked to one side, to find Fenrys staring at him. His friends whistled. "Damn, you really fucked up, didn't you?" Rowan's throat closed and he choked. "Also, your little tantrum ruined my hair"
"Fuck you," He managed to grunt.
Fenrys waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, everyone wants me, whatever" Then, his expression changed, and long gone was the funny, irresponsible demeanour of his. Instead, his friend looked at him worriedly. Deeply. "Are you okay? What happened?"
He shook his head. "I'm not sure"
"Well, all I know is that one minute you were glaring at me and the second you were panicking and falling on your knees. Naturally, I asked you if you were actually panicking, but you didn't respond, so I proceeded to scream at you to get you to snap out of it"
"How-" Rowan was in awe of his friend's idiocy. Even if he was also grateful for his company. "How could that do any good?"
Fenrys shrugged. "Dunno. I may have panicked a little too. Then, the wind started gathering around you. Next thing I know, you were creating a fucking hurricane" At that, Rowan couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. "Does that mean you feel better?"
His mood sobered at the reminder of why he had spiralled. "I don't think so"
"Was it because you kissed her? I mean, I knew you were a simp but that was a little bit too much. There is only one place for a dramatic friend in this group and that is me" Rowan knew what he was doing, and he was glad for it.
"She kissed me,"
"What?"
"She was the one to kiss me,"
"Hey! That's great. For you, at least. Me, on the other hand, I just lost three gold coins to Gavriel"
He shook his head once more before standing up. "It's not good"
Fenrys looked genuinely confused. "Why not?"
"Because," He swallowed. "Because she did not mean it"
"Ouch. She said that?"
"No, but-"
"Then how do you know?"
"I just do"
"Uhu," His friend sounded unconvinced. "Can I tell you what I think?"
"No-"
"I'll say it anyway. You know this so I don't know why you even bother answering" Fenrys let out an exasperated sigh at him. "Anyway, I believe you are just being a little bit insecure because you care for her. A lot. Naturally. So your mind is trying to find a way to sabotage what you just experienced because you do not believe yourself to be worthy of her"
"That's not-"
"And, obviously, you are scared. Because you are a little bit too in love with her -and do not even bother to deny it because it is as clear as Anneith's wisdom and it only makes me want to puke- and you want everything to be perfect and the thing is, that reality never is. So you are just really, really scared" He finished talking, as if he had just talked about the weather and not Rowan's biggest fears.
"I hate you," Fenrys only smiled knowingly at him. "But- maybe you are right"
He nodded effusively. "Of course I am"
"Maybe she did mean it"
"Of course she did, she's crazy for you, too"
Rowan looked up at that. Quickly. Too quickly. Perhaps, a little bit too hopefully too. "Really? Do you think so?"
He rolled his eyes, again. "Duh, she cares for you, too" Rowan couldn't have contained the smile that erupted on his face even if he had tried. Fenrys looked at him as if he were disgusted. "Don't tell me you did not know" He shook his head. "Anneith and all the Gods above, love truly does make one blind"
"You would know all about it, wouldn't you?" Rowan taunted.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," Rowan answered quickly, his gaze already in the direction to where Isabella had left.
"So...was it good?"
He scowled. "I'm not giving you any details" His voice left no room for discussion.
"Fine, at least tell me what you are going to do next"
Rowan considered his next words, and spoke with what he knew was a fool's hope. "I'll talk to her, if she'll have me, and then, once we sort everything out, if everything works out the way I long for, I'll tell her the truth"
"-You mean?"
"Yes, I'll tell her she is my mate."