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Rachel fixes my hair as I look out the window of Bea's bedroom onto the London street. I can't believe how much has happened over the last days. The day after Edmund's proposal, I spent a lovely day with Charlotte and Henry and they could not be more excited that Lord Westworth and I are to marry. Charlotte gushed about the ring. Henry said I couldn't have picked a finer man, he really looks up to Edmund. I smile with the realization that once I am at Beaumont, the Havishams will be so close that I can visit them every day. And once Tanner teaches me to ride, I can go on my own to see them.
We came back to London yesterday and Edmund has already asked for Uncle Tufton's blessing on our engagement and he, of course, gave it. Uncle Tufton is probably glad to get me out of his hair. Bea says that by marrying an Earl I am elevating her in the marriage market. I am glad, she is such a dear. This must be why Aunt Tufton has not reprimanded me for anything over the last few days.
Today, Edmund, his mother, and I are to taste food samples for the wedding breakfast. Lady Westworth has thrown herself wholeheartedly into planning the most elaborate wedding possible. There will be a celebration both before and after the ceremony, as well as an engagement party in three weeks. I have never heard of an engagement party, these people in London will use any excuse to celebrate and drink champagne. Edmund says his mother is now very excited for our wedding but I am suspicious that she is planning such a spectacular wedding to make up for the 'less than impressive' bride. Anyone seeing me next to Edmund will certainly find me wanting. Especially after how striking he looked when he was with Regina.
Yesterday, Lady Westworth, Rachel and I went shopping for my wedding gown. The seamstress measured every inch of me. Edmund's mother and Rachel insisted upon the most elaborate laces and trims. The white gown will be entirely encrusted with a pattern of beads and pearls. It seems excessive for a dress that I will wear only once. But it made the two of them happy, so who am I to argue?
I stand up and spin and Rachel approves my look with a nod and smile. She helps me on with my Spencer coat and gloves for my outing. Edmund is to send a carriage for me to join him and his mother at his London home. As I descend the stairs, I can hear that Aunt Tufton and Bea have morning visitors. I do not recognize the voices. The carriage will be here momentarily, so I decide not to go into the parlor and join them. Unfortunately, I hear something that was not intended for my ears.
It is an older lady's voice, "Well, I just wanted you to know that everyone is concerned. Some are certain that your niece enticed the Earl to that room alone and threw herself at him, hoping someone would happen upon them and they would be forced to marry." There are murmurs among the other guests at this woman's disgraceful statement. "Lord Westworth would be an advantageous match for any lady, but for your niece to marry so far above her station is quite shocking. What does she have to offer him? Nothing! Of course, the Earl being such a fine gentleman, the only thing he could do was to propose. Can you imagine what people would be saying if he did not?" There are more gasps uttered at the scandalous thought.
To her credit I hear my aunt say, "I do not think Beth would do such a thing. She is an odd girl, to be sure, but she has shown no signs of being wicked. Have you seen them together? There is no awkwardness, they seem quite enamored of each other."
The other lady adds, "Well, I did have it on good authority that he was intending to propose to someone else that day. A certain red haired beauty that I think we all can agree would have made him a more suitable bride. Oh! And did you hear that..."
The butler interrupts my eaves dropping, "Your carriage has arrived, Miss."
My head is swimming as I step out the door and into the carriage. How could people say such horrible things about me? If gossip is to be believed, I want Edmund for his money and title and I trapped him into marrying me. I shake my head, Edmund knows this is not true. But I cannot help but wonder who all has heard the rumor and believes it. I would be crushed to think that our friends or family believed any of this disparaging gossip. I was away visiting the Havishams on the last day of the house party so apart from a few 'congratulations' I didn't get a chance to talk with many of them.
The carriage arrives at Edmund's townhome. The butler lets me in and shows me to the parlor. "Lord Westworth is in a meeting, but will join you shortly. His mother is also preparing for the outing." I sit down for a moment but then notice some paintings along one wall that are rather nice. Some are portraits of Edmund and James when they were young.
While I am looking at the pictures I hear Fred as he enters the foyer. His growly voice is always unmistakeable. He converses a minute with the butler then tells someone, "Edmund is just finishing, but will be out soon. He will be glad to see you are back. It has been years since the three of us have been together." I wonder if I should go say 'hello' but then I think they will likely come into the parlor to wait for Edmund.
I do not recognize the voice of the man with Fred, "I cannot believe he is getting married. Didn't we use to say that he would be the last of us to marry? He was always so opposed to it. Did he ever even look at a girl?" They both laugh.
I feel a little guilt at eaves dropping for a second time today, but I am merely standing in the parlor looking at pictures on the wall. I am not sneaking around.
Fred chuckles, "It has been a bit strange to see him take an interest in someone. William teases him endlessly about it. Did you hear how they met? It is quite an amazing beginning."
"No, I have just come off the boat from my travels yesterday. You'll need to fill me in on all the goings on."
"Well, you remember the rumor about him dancing with the most popular girl at Almack's?"
"Ah, yes, I knew about that before I even left. Some first dance nonsense."
"Yes, well Edmund was boasting that he could pick any girl, no matter how undesirable she was and if he danced with her at Almack's, then London society would embrace her. So we made a little wager on it. The bet was that if I picked the girl he couldn't make her the toast of the season." Fred is laughing now and my heart is sinking at the realization they are talking about me.
Perhaps I should stop listening. I take several steps away but even from the far side of the room I cannot escape his words. "You should have seen her, she came tumbling down the stairs, landing at our feet. Her hair was a bird's nest atop her head, glasses on the end of her nose, and she was wearing the most hideous yellow dress." My chest is filled with dread as my heart starts to race. "It turns out that she has no money, no connections, no one would have looked at her twice. I was so confident that Edmund couldn't make anything of her." My hand comes to my stomach to hear myself described in such a way. I think I may be sick. I start looking around the room for a vessel that could be of service.
His friend laughs, obviously finding me a good joke. "She sounds absolutely dreadful. I'm surprised Edmund didn't pay up right then."
I hear them both laughing and I fall to sitting on the settee. I am starting to feel dizzy, "You should have seen him on the dance floor. He was fixing her hair, taking her glasses, fixing her dress, pinching her cheeks, madly doing anything he could to make her somewhat presentable." My eyes squeeze shut with the memory of it. I remember him telling me to look gentlemen in the eye and smile. Now I know he wanted me to distract the men from my hair and dress and... and I was just chatting with him on the dance floor, thanking him for choosing me. And he was dancing with me only to fulfill some bet, thinking I was the ugliest girl there, trying to make me look more appropriate. My tears have now started.
"Oh, what I would give to have seen that! It had to be better than the theater, watching him scramble to make her into something."
Fred voice quiets just a bit, "Well, we shouldn't be too unkind. There is a maid who does her hair now and her clothes have improved remarkably. She turned out much better than I expected. And she is a sweet girl."
My stomach drops with the realization that Edmund gave me the lady's maid and the clothes, not from the goodness of his heart as I always thought. He was merely trying to make me presentable, to win his wager. I cringe as I vividly remember thanking him in the library, kissing his cheek. I wonder that he could even keep a straight face with me being so grateful. And all the while he was thinking I was silly or beneath him or pathetic.
My eyes scrunch together with the memory of it. I was so optimistically oblivious, all these weeks, as to what kept him bound to me. I treated him as a true friend and he... I wonder if he laughs at me in his room at night, and with his friends. Endlessly amused at how stupid I am to think he genuinely cares for me.
Fred is talking again, "There are rumors going around that she trapped him into the marriage but I don't believe that for a second." Well at least there is that.
His friend isn't as generous, "I don't know, from the way you describe her I can't imagine how else she could have caught an Earl. The marriage mart is cut-throat these days, Fred. Women are willing to do almost anything to get a good match. And they are all after money and titles."
I hear Edmund's voice then, calling Fred and his friend into the study. "Bradford! It has been an age! Come in, come in!" Edmund is clearly delighted to see his friend again. "I only have a moment. My fiancée and I are working on wedding plans today."
His warm friendly voice that I always loved so much. Now I know that with me it was all an act. I remember asking him why he chose me for the first dance and William too. Their reluctance to give an answer is understandable now. They certainly couldn't tell me that it was all a game. I wonder how many others know of their wager. How many have been laughing at me over the last weeks. I must look like an imbecilic fool to them for believing an Earl was interested in me.
My breathing is erratic now. I cannot face him. I cannot. I need to leave at once. I try to brush away some of the hot tears running down my cheeks. I step out of the parlor. Edmund's study door is slightly opened. I make a beeline for the front door.
The butler says something about Edmund being with me soon, but he doesn't understand that I cannot stay here. "I remembered that I am urgently needed at home."
I reach to open the door because he makes no move to open it for me. I breeze through and at the bottom of the steps I turn to walk home but the butler calls to me. "Miss, if you cannot wait for Lord Westworth, then please take the carriage. He will be most distraught if I allow you to walk."
I actually don't even know my way so I turn around and make for the carriage. I just got out of this carriage a half hour ago, it is presumably waiting to take Edmund and I to taste food. Once inside, I sit and hold my breath waiting for the carriage to move. Watching the front door for Edmund to burst out, questioning where I am going. That would be a disaster, I couldn't look at his face if I tried.
When the carriage pulls away from the curb I can finally take a breath. My mind replays Fred's words of how disgusting I am, that Edmund only ever had an interest in me to win money. "Edmund doesn't want me either. I was all just a silly game to him." I say the words out loud so I realize they are true. All my happiness snatched away in a moment.
I rest against the seat and let the tears stream down my cheeks. There is no stopping them. My mind thinks back over every interaction we've had but now with the notion that it was all a charade. In my mind, I appear stupid in every moment. How could I not see that he was acting, faking his regard for me? I remember vividly the face of disgust he had for my grey shawl at Almack's, he was pinching it between his fingers. Is that how he views me? I am some disgusting girl that he has had to endure because he gambled on it. The thought brings a fresh volley of sobs.
The carriage pulls up to the Tufton's and I cannot face anyone. I run up the stairs and throw myself on my bed. What will I do now? I need a plan. Think! I feel absolutely trapped like I am in a hole with no way to climb out. Think! I must come up with something, there must be some way out of this hole. No one will marry me after the gossip over my engagement. I lay sobbing for long minutes, trying desperately to think of anything that could get me out of this mess.
I still do not have a plan when Bea bursts into our room. "Beth? I didn't realize you were home." She cannot see my face because it is buried in the pillow as I lay on my stomach. "Lord Westworth is here. He said you have an appointment or some such thing."
I shake my head back and forth and talk into the pillow, "I am not feeling well. Will you ask him to go with his mother? Tell him I will see him tomorrow when I am feeling better." I knowingly lie to her. I will never face him after the humiliation he has put me through.
I breathe a sigh of relief when Bea leaves. But it doesn't last long because she comes back almost immediately, "Lord Westworth is concerned you are ill. He wonders if he can see you and perhaps send a doctor."
"No!" I lift my head and call out. Whoops, I bury my head in the pillow again, "Please, just tell him it is a headache and I am sure I will be well by morning."
Bea catches her breath and sits down on the bed, "Beth have you been crying?" She rubs up and down on my back.
I turn to her, grab her arm, and lie again, "I am a baby when I have headaches, I always cry. Please don't tell Lord Westworth that I have been crying, he will only press further."
She nods, "Alright, I'll tell him it is a headache and that you will see him tomorrow." She stands. "Would you like me to send Rachel up?"
I nod, "Yes, please. I won't be able to face supper tonight anyway." Completely forgetting the fact that we haven't even had luncheon yet.
A/N: This is her wedding dress but it would be less fitted in the waist and hips.