3 years go,
The McCoy family home,
Toluclova, New York
He wouldn't come here unless it was bad. I knew that because I knew my brother.
It hurt to take money from my savings to get multiple train tickets back to this shit hole but I knew Peirce was in the walls of our old home. He hadn't gone back to the apartment in days and asking around, his 'friends' hadn't seen him either.
I hugged my coat close because Christmas was coming and with it came winter. I loved the cold and the snow, the cold bite of my fingertips and the heaviness of the air. Mom loved winter too and Peirce being the dick that he was, just used this time to try and give himself frostbite in the snow. Of course, I wouldn't let him. If he died, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I walked past the many houses on our street, all the way up to the small gate of my front lawn. I pushed it open, walking up the short pavement and climbing two of the three stairs that led to the front door. The middle stair creaked when you stepped on it and the wood was about to fall in so no one ever stepped on it since dad hadn't gotten around to fixing it even months before mum died.
1717 was our house number. A cursed number repeated yet still, I brushed my fingers across the figures as I opened the door which wasn't locked. My mom always did the same so I decided to keep her memory as close as I could. Where my father tried to act like she didn't exist and my brother was determined to prove that she left us, I tried to be her so that I held as much of her as I could. All our coping mechanisms weren't great.
The house was dark and when I stepped in, I removed my shoes at the door and turned on the light. I didn't like being here. Remembering. But with dad gone I had to face this place a lot more often since Peirce wanted to make it his little hole.
Speaking of my brother, he was passed out in the couch, skin ashen, lips slightly blue and cracking, his body wracked by small shivers. He'd been out in the snow again, probably only came in when he felt like dying of frostbite would both be embarrassing and unrewarding.
I shed my coat and walked up the steps to his room that was down the hall. I opened one of his drawers and pulled out a dark green blanket, going back down to drape it over his shoulders. There was a fireplace before him in the living room. I pushed the coffee table out of the way and lit a match to get a fire started on the dry pieces of wood already prepared.
Once a nice big fire was going, I retreated to the kitchen and searched the cabinets for some food. I found a few soup packets and prepared a simple meal for Peirce. I hadn't eaten but didn't really feel like it right now.
When the soup was done, I put it in a bowl and stuck a spoon inside. Peirce was still asleep but he'd stopped shivering. His breathing was easier and he looked healthier, his dark lips no longer an unhealthy colour.
"Peirce," I called shaking him. "Wake up."
His body jerked as he flew upright, his eyes wide open as he breathed erratically. Panic adorned his features until he turned and saw me.
"Peach?" he asked surprised as I sat down on the ground beside him, holding out the bowl.
"Eat," I demanded and he took it from me. His fingers were cold when they brushed over mine and cradling the hot bowl helped him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked rubbing one hand down his face. His dark curly beard had grown. He looked much older with it. Sometimes it was hard to believe I was 17 and he was 23. I seemed to be the older one a lot because if I didn't grow up, he wouldn't either.
"Doesn't matter. Just eat," I encouraged and he did.
We both sat in silence as the fire before us blazed and cracked. I watched it, hypnotized by the dancing flames and shouldering embers. Something so beautiful but so deadly. It could wreck havoc across world and yet, something as simple as water was its weakness.
Peirce set the bowl down when he was done and didn't say anything to me. I didn't say anything back either. I wondered how long he planned on staying here, hiding from me and the world. Mrs. C, our next door neighbor who took care of the house would probably drive him out at some point to come take care of me but I wasn't a child anymore. I hadn't been one for years.
"You should leave," my brother said and I ignored him because this small headache built at the front of my mind, irritated with him, angry enough to say something stupid. "Did you hear what I said?"
"I don't remember you suddenly becoming my father," I growled low.
"I'm not trying to be. The old man is probably rotting in—"
"Shut it!" I snapped. He irritated me to no end. I couldn't seem to be in control of my anger when around him. It was so great and had only built and I needed somewhere for it to go. My friends had made me try getting high, drunk, all to forget but forgetting didn't mean the feeling didn't linger. "You know as well as I that dad is a good man."
"Right," my brother rolled his eyes and swung his feet so he sat on the couch properly. "You want to prove that to everyone don't you. You think your little hacking skills are going to get you answers. The old man is screwed up Peach. What can you do to change that?"
"More than you that's for sure," I retaliated. "I don't think you'd even be able to figure out your right from your left hand with all the weed you take."
"You talk like you haven't tried the shit," he snapped slightly defensive. "I know about your little clique."
I was surprised Peirce could even remember I had a clique. His mind always seemed to be in the clouds. "I don't drink and smoke myself into oblivion like you do."
"You will though," he stated. "It's inevitable. Then maybe you'll stop giving me so much crap."
"I give you so much crap because you're an irresponsible dickehead," I pointed out and my brother stood up angrily, grabbing his bowl from the floor and going to the kitchen.
"And you're a clingy bitch!"
I followed him to the kitchen and as he got close to the sink, I spoke up. "I wouldn't have to be if you fucking knew how to take care of yourself!"
A loud bang and crash echoed through the house as Peirce angrily threw his bowl in the sink where it shattered on impact.
"I didn't fucking ask you to look after me like I'm a lost sheep! Last I checked, you're six years younger!"
I stepped back a little, fear forming and churning in my gut. Peirce was scary when he was drunk or high. He did things and said things that he would never remember but I would never forget. So when he lashed out, I couldn't help but be afraid of him. He didn't notice though. I would never let him because it would be hard to bring back the brother I loved.
The same brother who stormed passed, me sending a hard glare. I sighed and turned to follow him up the stairs to him room.
"Peirce I don't want to fight with you," I said changing tactics as I stopped at his door. He grabbed a bag from his closet and started stuffing it with clothes.
"Yeah well you should've thought about that before you started calling me names."
"Would you stop packing for a second so we can talk?" I asked more force in my tone as he ignored me. I sighed. "Where do you think you're going anyway? Are you in trouble?"
At my last question, worry for him seeped into my voice. "I'm fine Peach."
He wasn't convincing me. "I can help you," I told him as he zipped up his bag and looked for his coat and jumper.
"You?" my brother asked and scoffed. "Yeah right."
"I'm serious. What do you need help with? Money? I can pay all your debts," I stated and Peirce laughed.
"Don't humour me. You don't have a good job."
"Yeah but I can steal," I voiced as my brother pulled on layers of clothing to help with the cold. "Quarter a million in your bank account by tomorrow."
There were a few useful skills in hacking and being able to steal money from the accounts of the rich and undeserving was one of them. Something like this didn't really sit well on my conscious but for Peirce, it wouldn't matter.
Peirce looked at me, the defiance and clarity in my gaze and I thought I saw something in him break and give in. Regret clouding his features and sorrow lined his lips, even over his unruly beard.
"Some debts aren't paid with money," my brother said and shook his head, breaking eye contact with me.
"How else can they be paid? Blood?" I joked but he didn't answer causing my eyes to widen and my body to grow cold. "Peirce.... no."
"You don't have a say in this," was all he answered as he grabbed his bag but I blocked his path out the door. He'd have to either push me or lift me out of his way. "Move Peach."
"No," I said firmly but my lower lip trembled. "You're being hunted? What did you do Peirce?"
He didn't look me in the eye when he spoke next. "None of my affairs are your business Peach. Stop being such a controlling freak and let me pass."
"I love you," I blurted as my vision blurred and swam with tears. "I love you so much Peirce... you can't leave me. Not you too."
His eyes connected with mine and the expression on his face was filled with so much pain. Our family had been broken for so long but there was still a thread that pulled the seams together. It was being strained and I could feel it in my heart, my soul and the ache of me being ripped apart was too much.
He shook it off and pushed me away, shoved me with force that sent me stumbling so he could pass. I stood shocked, tears falling down my cheeks as he stormed away from me.
And yet all I could think was that this was what I did. I ruined everything I tried to fix. I was the one who'd help hope for mom living, I was the one who'd pushed dad to find more money for the house and now, just like the bad sister I was, I pushed my brother away.
It was all me. My fault everything wasn't going wrong.
As the youngest member of the family member, turning 17 had set off a chain reaction of the curse that not only surrounded me but this house. When I heard the front door being slammed open, I run.
I run to stop Peirce because he was all I had left.
"Peirce!" I called out running into the bitter cold outside as his retreating back was covered in snowflakes that now fell softly from the sky. "Peirce stop! Please!"
I reached out for him and pulled his arm. When he turned I hugged him. I held him and my eyes filled with tears as I sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll be better. Please don't go."
My body was trembling but it had been so long since I'd gotten this close to him, feeling the coolness of his skin, the study and strong body he kept up because of his line of work. He smelt like weed and a hint of beer but it was Peirce.
My hurt and surprise increased when he detached himself from me and pushed me back. Hard. I stumbled but my head remained low.
"Why are you refusing to accept this?!" he snapped at me, angry. When I looked up, he too had tears in his eyes. "Let me go!"
"No!" I yelled back, trying to push past the lump in my throat, wiping the tears on my cheeks. "They're going to kill you Peirce! Do you understand that? Death?!"
"Of course I do. I've seen it. I've caused it sister. It's best this way," he decided.
"Best for who?" I pressed, my hands balling into fists. "I can't be without family Peirce. I can't be without you."
"I'm dangerous," he told me. A single tear fell from his eye and he was quick to wipe it. "You'll be better off without me."
"Stay," I asked softly, reaching my hand out. "Stay with me and we'll figure it out."
My invitation hang between us. I shivered from the cold and both our breaths fogging before us. The snow continued so fall, soft, magical, beautiful. It was a stark difference to this ugly moment. The second my brother decided to leave.
"Stop trying to be mom," Peirce said his voice forced out like it hurt him. "Just stop."
"I'm not trying to be her," I corrected him and stepped closer, keeping my hand open, waiting for him to take it. "I'm trying to stay true to myself. I'm trying to save our family. I'm trying to save you."
We were quiet for two beats until he said six words that broke my heart. The last words I'd ever hear from my brother and I hadn't known it yet.
"I don't want to be saved."
He walked away. He didn't take my hand. He didn't look back.
"Peirce!" I shouted after him, my hand dropping with my body. My knees dug into the cold snow covered pavement as I wailed, my chest heaving and my body trembling. "Peirce please come back!"
My heart was crushing in my chest, being split as the seams tore apart. My family had officially been separated in that moment and I grieved for it. I cried and screamed until Mrs. C, our neighbour came out for me.
I was cold to the touch, my body having given itself to the winter. I shook from the need of warmth and the cries that still wrecked my body.
I cried in a way that my lungs didn't remember how to take in air. My hearing was static like the air around me vibrated with white noise. And the pain, oh it stung like the cold did.
That's why I hated winter. I hated snow. It reminded me of this moment even when I didn't think much about it.
This was a walk down memory lane I didn't want to take yet, with Viktor by my side, I headed back and I prayed for strength.