Forest
I'm confused. For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want or what I'm going to do. My whole life has been planned out since birth, and when that plan becomes derailed, bad things happen. I was always told: "you're going to marry a nice woman some day," and "he's going to break girls hearts when he's older." But what if I don't want to be with any woman? What if I don't like women at all.
I've never felt anything other than physical attraction for a girl, let alone adoration and longing, and feeling that for a boy is very confusing. I don't think I'm fully gay, but I definitely know I'm not straight anymore. It's just confusing, because you think you know everything about yourself and then everything gets flipped upside down.
I mean, I'm not upset that I'm not straight. It's really not a big deal. What is a big deal, however, is being open about it. It shouldn't be something people are scared of being, but we live in a fucked up world and until I am able to be who I please, this might have to be my little secret.
Especially from my parents, I'm sure they would disown me if they ever found out. Like I said, they know how they want my life to pan out and they'll do almost anything to make sure it goes that way. It's like they're living their lives vicariously through me. Mostly my dad, I think my mom just goes along with it because she has to.
In conclusion, they cannot find out. Not even Jackson can find out. If word gets out around the school, my reputation will be demolished. I personally don't care, but I know my parents will once it gets out to the town and then them. They will throw me out, or worse, send me away.
Atlas 🪐: I'll be there.
My stomach felt fuzzy inside and I couldn't help but smile. I very clearly need to get it together, I don't even know what Atlas thinks of me as yet. Most likely a friend, if that. I've only known him a short period of time, so is having feelings for him even valid at this point? I don't even think I have feelings for him because I don't know him well enough, maybe I'm just attracted to him.
After school, the team has an hour and a half before we have to start getting ready for a game. It's our tradition to go to a diner down the road, eat a bunch of greasy food, and mess around. It's always helped us get rid of our nerves and just let loose, it's one of my favorite parts about football. The team is like family, I don't particularly like or enjoy some of their companies, but I do love them and we stick together when times get hard. We have to respect each other for this team to work.
All fifteen of us stroll into the local diner, I can just hear the workers sighing already. We aren't disrespectful to them or anything, but there's a lot of us and we all eat a lot. Plus it can get kinda of noisy. It takes a little more than two tables, but we all sat down and started ordering our food. We've been here so often we already know what we want.
Normally, my parents would not approve of me eating greasy diner food. It'll make me fat and apparently that could mess up my game. In their eyes, I could be using this time to practice or study. It's taken a lot of convincing from my mother, but I'm allowed to go as long as our team wins. I can't remember a time when we haven't won.
I'm usually long gone in stupid conversations, talk of girls and the people we are going up against, but I'm not in any sort of conversation right now. At least not with the people sitting around me. I've been texting Atlas this whole time, drowning everything else out around me.
Atlas 🪐: Your favorite cereal is Frosted Flakes? Are you kidding me, that's so boring.
Me: You like Krave, I don't even want to hear it. That has to be so bad for you.
Atlas 🪐: We all have our own opinions.
Me: What's your favorite color?
Atlas 🪐: Dark green. You?
Me: Dark green, really? I don't really have a favorite color, but I like yellow a lot.
Atlas: Green like your eyes. Yellow is a good color, definitely suits you.
I didn't even realize I was smiling so hard until I felt Jackson nudge me with his shoulder. I looked up at him and saw him giving me a questioning look, I should've known I couldn't get away with texting anyone around them. And yet I couldn't help myself. I shrugged, texting Atlas a 'quick' reply and putting my phone away to face the real world again.
Me: I'm getting questioning looks on who I'm texting, I got to go. I can't wait to see you later in the stands, maybe you'll give me good luck.
I can feel Jackson's eyes on me still, but I ignore it and eat my food silently. They're all talking about how we're going to take our rival school down. Me personally? I have no worries. We've beaten them so many times before I have no doubt in my team that we will win. But even on the off chance we won't, I'm holding myself off of a panic attack.
If I don't win, my parents will hear, and I won't be able to do anything ever again. My panic attacks will probably start up again if that happens. The only reason I no longer feel anxious or worried is because it's all I've ever felt, I'm numb to it now. I'm good at putting up a front, a façade. So no one knows what I'm thinking, they'll never know I'm secretly freaking out. I've even convinced myself I no longer feel scared.
I know we will win. We're the best.
"So, Gray, what's going on with Sarah?" I hear my name, and it snaps me out of my thoughts. Tony was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to say I like her. I smile the way I always smile. Sometimes I wonder if people wouldn't like me if I wasn't so smiley and friendly. If I didn't say what people want to hear.
"We've messed around a few times, nothing serious. She's kind of obsessed with me right now, though, and it's freaking me out."
"So, you're done with her?" Landon asks next to Tony. "Because I'd love to get a piece of that action."
"What action? She's a fucking pillow princess, she just lies there the whole time. Makes me feel like I'm shagging a dead body." Tony says disgustedly. Everyone laughs and feed into his ego. I wince at the way he talks about women, just saying what I said a few seconds ago was tough. But it's all about surviving in this environment, so I have to make do with what I have. I have to be what they want me to be, because we know what happens if I don't.
"Yeah, I never even wanted her in the first place." That's not a total lie, but it was mean to say, and I feel bad. I'll be thinking about this tonight before I go to bed.
"See, I don't understand you, Gray. You have all the hottest girls on their knees for you, and you don't give a shit." Everyone agrees with Tony, and it makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. It means I haven't been doing my job well enough.
"Right! Sarah would walk through fire for you, and all you say is 'I never wanted her in the first place?'" Landon joins in on the fun, which is making fun of me. "I would die if every woman at Gray Stone Prep would drop their panties for me in a heartbeat."
"That's exactly what I don't like about it." I reply, surprising even myself. I don't usually speak up for myself, but I'm tired of this nonsense. "I like the chase. I want someone to like me for me, not because my family owns the school or because of my looks or my status at our school." Did I mention my family owns the school? Well they do. And it makes it extremely hard for me to find genuine friends, when I know they're all out for a safety net.
I don't exactly have a safety net. Sure, my dad could get me out of practically anything. But ultimately, the second I get home, I'll never hear the end of it. I do get punished, it's just our little secret.
"So you're just a fucking pussy." Tony says, making everyone laugh again. Tony's not funny in the slightest bit, and whenever he says anything it's so cliché that you're forced to laugh because it would be awkward if you didn't. He's so used to the attention, that it would be weird for him. Getting his way, getting the reaction he wants out of you is all he's ever known. And he's very cocky because of it.
"Shut the fuck up, Forbes. You're not funny, you're just fucking annoying." Jackson's voice is controlled as he says this, not a hint of emotion. Everyone respects Jackson because he will tell you how it is, no bullshit. He gives zero fucks. He gets into a lot of fights, but luckily my dad adores him. Even wishes Jackson was his son instead of me, how sweet.
That shut them both up. After a few seconds, everyone went back to how it was before I was brought up. Messing around with each other, making jokes, talking trash about the other school, and being just straight up misogynistic. I tune everyone out again and go back to my phone.
Atlas: Don't want them to know you're texting me, love?
Love. That's his nickname for me. I still cannot get over that.
Me: It's not that. I just don't want them to give me crap for smiling so hard.
Atlas: It's good to know I make you smile. I wish I could see you for longer than just in the stands, I wish I could talk to you.
This is kind of weird. In a good way. Are we flirting? I feel like we're flirting. It is definitely weird because I like it. I like the easy banter we have.
Me: If you stick around I'll meet up with you after.
I turn my phone off because everyone is leaving and loading into their cars to go back to the school. It's game time, and the only thing I can think about it seeing Atlas after. All the nerves of disappointing my parents are gone. I don't even think about them; just him. Only him.
Maybe he is good for me.
1/20/23