JESSA
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The first thing I saw was the blazing radiation of something from above me, that made the stinging electric pain to further sharpen beneath my temples. I winced and groaned in pain. I closed my eyes even more to at least try to suppress that bright thing hovering over me.
But instead, another shrill and ringing static fill my ears. Funky white lines dance around my closed eyes. Oh my God, what the hell is happening?
After what seems to be infinity, the static fades out. The funky lines disappear into the blackness of my closed eyes. Even my headache slowly departs from my skull.
Sa wakas, muli nang bumalik ang pakiramdam ko. Ramdam ko ang malambot na kung ano sa aking likuran, ang medyo malamig na hangin na banayad na umiihip sa bandang kaliwa ko, ang kung anong masikip na bagay ang nakayakap sa beywang hanggang dibdib ko, pati na rin ang mabigat at mahabang tela na bumabalot sa hita hanggang paanan ko.
Oh my God.
Dahan dahan kong binuksan ang mga mata ko. Mayroon 'nga na isang malaki at nakakabulag na chandelier ang nakasabit sa kisame sa itaas ko. Chandelier that looks like it's made from shining jewels, giving more chance to reflect light and create brighter glare.
Oh god, there's a freaking chandelier. Saan naman ba 'yan galing?
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, then open them again.
The chandelier is still right there. But right now, my vision has finally recovered. There are fancy golden flourishes etching at the white ceiling, some formed the shapes of flowers and thorny vines. Yet what actually caught my attention are the obvious designs of dragons.
What the hell.
Where the heck am I?
Tsaka ko nalang na napagtanto na nakahiga rin pala ako sa isang higaan habang ang mga paa ko ay naka-apak pa rin sa sahig, na para bang umupo muna ako bago tuluyang humiga. I tilt my head by the side to process where the hell I am.
I am inside of a very fancy room, with walls decorated with the same golden linings, still forming bigger and more detailed forms of flowers and dragons. A faint smell of lavender hit my nose, anchoring my consciousness more. There are cabinets, drawers, a bookshelf filled with books, and a human sized mirror.
As I stared at the things around me, I realize how fast my heart is beating. It's drumming against my ribs and thumping loudly on my ears. All of my four limbs are badly shaking, my hands are clutching at the bed sheets, my legs tremble from under the thick material covering me.
The warmth of the room hugs me like an old friend. May kung ano na sobrang pamilyar sa amoy at pakiramdam ko rito sa loob ng kwarto na ito. Pero hindi iyon sapat para hindi ako kabahan at magtaka. Nasaan na parte na ba ako ng mundo?
Dahan-dahan kong ginalaw ang mga nanginginig kong mga braso at ginamit ang mga siko ko bilang suporta sa pagbangon ko. Marahan na dumilim ang paningin ko at umikot ang mundo ko, pero agad din naman ito nawala nang tuluyan na akong naka-upo.
At tsaka ko lang napagtanto na iba na pala ang suot ko. It explains the tight thing covering my body that is almost suffocating me. Also the thick and long thing covering my whole lower torso. Because it's a gown. I am wearing a freaking gown.
Mukhang naka-suot ako ng napakasikip na corset, base sa pakiramdam nito sa katawan ko. Off-shoulder din ito, kaya kitang kita ang kabuuan ng balikat ko. May sleeves din ito na umaabot hanggang sa wrists ko, designed like a loose and flowy fabric. The skirt was perfectly puffed out in a huge rounded shape, with numerous loose layers that matches the relaxed design of the sleeves. Red, yellow and black beads covered the whole gown, twinkling from the bright illumination of the chandelier.
What the actual heck?
A gentle wind blows from the widely opened window on the side of the room. It touches my bare-shoulders and I shiver from the cold. Far away from the outside, a crescent moon shines brightly with the twinkling stars across the night sky. Oh my God, it's freaking night time.
Night time. Ilang oras na ba ang lumipas? Hapon lang nung magkakasama na kami ng mga kagrupo ko—
A strong migraine stabs at the sides of my skull. The long high-pitch sound rings in my ears. I closed my eyes to cut off the sudden headache, yet instead, a familiar scene only played in my mind. The Blood of the Dragon. The golden light. All of my group mates are floating and disappearing. Myself floating as well and disappearing. A force throwing me into the golden light.
I gasped then opened my eyes. Chills went down my spines. Oh my God. Oh my God. Iyon nalang ang huli kong natatandaan. Does the golden light bring us to somewhere far? Is that freaking possible? And does that mean that the rest of my group mates are here as well?
Bigla akong napatayo, pero halos matumba naman ako dahil tsaka ko lang naramdaman na nakasuot naman ako ng heels. Ano naman ba kasi itong suot ko?
Nilibot ko ang paningin ko, baka sakaling makakita ako ng ilang tanda na kasama ko sila dito sa magarbong kwarto na ito. Yet I cannot see everything. Everything seems to be left untouched, everything glistens splendidly, everything remains motionless. Despite the gentle breeze coming from the outside, I can clearly notice the impassive atmosphere hanging around this room. I am alone. Wala akong kasama sa loob ng kwarto na ito.
My heart raced faster. My lungs feel so cramped inside my ribs that I almost forgot how to breathe properly. I am all alone. Alone. Wearing a gown, inside of a fancy room full of dragon designs. Just what in the actual world is happening? At nasaan na ba ako?
Am I kidnapped? No.. For some reason, I don't feel like I am kidnapped. Walang suspcious akong nakikita dito, bukod sa mag-isa lang ako at nakasuot ako ng gown na akala mo ay may pupuntahan akong Grand Ball o JS Prom. Walang tali ang nakatali sa mga paa at kamay ko, masyadong maliwanag ang paligid ko at bukas na bukas ang malaking bintana dito. Bintanang kayang kaya kong gamitin para makatakas dito.
"Where the heck am I?" I finally said out loud.
Bigla akong napahawak sa leeg ko at pinakiramdaman ang lalamunan ko. Oh my God. I sounded different!
"What? Oh my God?" Muli kong sabi para pakinggan ang sarili kong boses. Iba talaga ang boses ko. I know how small and whiny I sounded when talking. But this time, I sound sweeter and gentler, something I cannot achieve to do with my own voice.
I licked my own lips and gulped down, then felt how smooth my throat feels in my neck. I am sure na medyo gasgas ito dahil hindi naman ako pala-inom ng tubig, ngayong hell week sa school. And.. oh, is that the vague taste of chocolate came from my own lips? Hindi ako kumakain ng kahit anong chocolate ngayon!
"Ano bang nangyayari," bulong ko sa sarili, my own voice sounding so foreign in my ears.
Inangat ko ang nanginginig kong mga kamay hinaplos haplos ito, pinakiramdaman ko ang init nito at kumuha nang malalim na hininga. Pero muli akong napatigil. Even my hands feel so different. I stretch my own fingers to study it. It is indeed different. It's slimmer, longer, softer and smoother.. As if I used tons of lotions. Which is something I am sure I never did.
I suddenly became aware of my own body. Bakit ba ngayon ko lang napansin kung gaanong kakaiba itong pakiramdam ko? My whole body feels lighter. I feel greatly energized tonight, as if I had a great long sleep, which is something I am sure I haven't had for months already. There's also a slight tingling sensation occurring on the veins of my arms, it's very faint and it wasn't very distracting but I could definitely sense it.
Something suddenly creaked loudly from somewhere outside below. Like a giant door frame is being opened. Then what seems to be wooden wheels and freaking hooves of horses rattled noisily against the cemented floor. Then I heard numerous hushed voices, overlapping each other under the darkness of the night.
Nilingon ko ang bintana and I felt my hair brushing against my bare shoulder.
Then I paused, again, for even my own hair feels so weird and different.
Hinawakan ko ang buhok ko. It was thick, curly yet soft. Well, my hair is naturally thick and curly as well, but the texture itself feels so unfamiliar in my own touch. Dahan dahan kong nilagay ang buhok sa balikat ko, at halos nahimatay sa kulay nito.
Kulay blond ito.
Cold shiver runs down my whole entire body as the realization comes in. My nails, my voice and even my hair are so different. My body feeling unusually energized and the tingling sensation running on my arms.. As if I am in the—
I notice the human sized mirror from the other side of the room. I run towards it.
And the reflection that stared back at me wasn't mine.
OH MY GOD. I gasp loudly, taking a step back that I almost tripped on my heels and gown.
Hindi ako ito.
Hindi ako ito.
Hindi ito ang katawan ko.
My hair is in a bright shade of blond. I have deep set eyes, emphasized more by the thick and dark eyeshadow around it. My lashes are longer, curved, and darker in color. The contour of my nose is straight with a raised base. My lips are thin, perfectly shaped and it glistened splendidly under the bright light.
Then I realize I am standing at a higher stature.. Maybe because of my heels. I have better curves judging from how the corset is solidly hugging my slim waist, the off-shoulder design of the gown shows more of my perfectly angled shoulder as well as my distinct collar bones.
In shorter and simpler words: I am inside the body of a beautiful and perfect human being.
"Oh my God," I said out loud. "Shit." Kinakapa kapa ko ang leeg, mukha at braso ko. "Shit shit! Sino 'to?"
I tremble, my heart is hammering violently against my ribs, the intense sweat races down the sides of my head and neck. The whole world seems to turn upside down, my stomach whirl around and around and my throat almost escapes from inside me. The freaking corset feels tighter around my torso, giving me a hard time breathing.
Mag-isa lang ako. Dito sa malaking kwarto na ito. Nasa katawan ako ng ibang tao. Everything feels unfamiliar and it's driving me insane. I need to know what's going on or else I'll go crazy thinking too much.
Three knocks on the door resound over the wide room, cutting through my train of thoughts, making me pause and stare back at the closed door. Someone is coming. Someone is here.
Another gentle knock came. I froze. I couldn't even move my mouth to speak. All I could do is to overhear the fast rush of my blood along with the threatening thumping of my heart.
"Princess, handa ka na ba?" Isang boses ng babae ang nagsalita mula sa labas.
Princess. What the hell? Pangalan ba ito ng katawan ko ngayon? O isa talaga akong ganap na prinsesa, kaya ako may suot na magarbong gown? Oh my God.
Sasagot pa lang sana ako nang nakita ko na umikot ang door knob at dahan dahan bumukas ang pinto. A woman in her early forties emerged from the outside and stepped into the room. Her hair with a few white strands are pulled up into a neat bun. She's wearing a black dress that reaches her ankles, topped with a white apron with numerous pockets.
Her eyes roam over my face, my head, my dress, then back to my face again. Her face is deadly serious, her lips are in a straight thin line with eyebrows pressing together that creates wrinkles on her forehead. She's studying me seriously, but there's something soft and delicate in her eyes that's been studying me for seconds.
"Medyo namumutla ka, ano na naman 'bang ginawa mo?" Bigla niyang tanong.
I stare at her. I study the old and tired lines on the skin of her face, the plentiful small and fuzzy strands of hair escaping from her bun. The signs of aging are very visible in her whole appearance. I stand there, acknowledging her presence inside the impassive atmosphere of my room. An outburst of comfort, warmth, and emotions I cannot name seems to flood me.
"Princess," she calls out once again. She locks her eyes on mine. Then all of a sudden, something seems to click in place, then another set of emotions fills me. She gave me that kind of look before, a worried kind of look. There's a strong feeling of helplessness in me. Anger. Anguish. Sadness. Hatred. Yet she is also there, her arms hugging me and patting my head. Her voice, "I am here, Princess Blaidrah." I can hear my own sobs as her voice continues, "I will devote my whole life in raising and protecting you."
"Blaidrah." She calls out louder. She puts her hand on my shoulder and gently shakes me.
"Uh.. huh?" I blink. Ano ba 'yung nakita ko? It's like a memory. It's unfamiliar yet very familiar at the same time. It doesn't make any sense.
That weird scenario makes me want to cry out once again, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of suffocation and trappedness settles on me. Gusto kong ilahad ang mga braso ko dito sa babaeng kaharap ko para muli kong maramdaman ang yakap niya. Pero hindi rin naman ako makagalaw, kasi bakit ko naman iyon gagawin?
Nauntog siguro ako kanina bago ako makarating dito.
"Blaidrah," muling tawag niya at marahang pinisil ang balikat ko.
"Blai.. Blaidrah?" Ulit ko. Blaidrah.. It's the name of the person I am holding? "Blaidrah.. Name ko po?" I finally asked.
Kumunot naman ang noo ng babae at muling ginala ang mata niya sa mukha ko. Lalong lumalim ang mga kulubot sa kanyang mukha habang pinagmamasdan ako. Wala rin naman akong magawa sa pwesto ko kundi ang titigan lang din siya.
"Princess, what have you done this time again?" She asks. "Have you been crying again?" She sighs and closes her eyes. "You are ruining your look, Princess."
Kumuha siya ng isang puting panyo mula sa bulsa ng kanyang apron at dahan dahan na pinunas ito sa noo at leeg ko. Tsaka ko lang din napagtanto na sobra na pala akong pinagpapawisan. She patiently wipes my sweat away, she's so gentle that I just want to cry. Her presence as a whole soothes all the tension that I've been feeling the entire time. She is like a mother. A caring, kinda strict, yet very patient mother who is probably my only place of comfort for now.
"Are you.. My mother?" I ask.
I am certain that she is not the mother of this body I have invaded. There is nothing in her face that can resemble the face I'm currently wearing right now. My present face looks intense and regal, while hers is gentle and sincere.
Yet she heavily feels like one.
Napatigil siya sa pagpupunas ng pawis ko. Lalo muling lumalim ang kunot ng kanyang noo, pero nagpakawala siya nang malalim na hininga at pumikit. Nang dumilat siya ay sabay ding nawala ang tensyon sa kanyang mukha at marahang ngumiti.
"I am not your mother," sagot niya. Lumayo siya sa akin, tumungo sa isang drawer at kumuha ng isang parang mangkok, pero nang binuksan niya ito ay natanaw ko ang puting materyal sa loob nito. Pulbos. "I am a governess." She carefully dabs her finger on the white powder and smears it all over the area where my sweat had dampened.
"A governess.. Huh," I said. "'Di ba isa iyong.. Royal.. Royal position or something.."
"It is a royal position, Blaidrah." She closes the lid of the container. "And why are you talking improperly? You sounded like a peasant!"
She sounded genuinely angry, pero hindi ko iyon pinansin dahil sa una niyang sinabi. It is a royal position. If someone like her, with a royal position right here in front of me, then it only means one thing..
"Isa talaga akong prinsesa?" Tanong ko. "Like, the literal princess? The Royal one?"
"Blaidrah," tawag niya muli sa akin. "What is happening?"
I didn't move. I cannot move. I cannot think properly. What is happening? I don't freaking know. Una, kailangan ko lang naman ihaon ang baby research na iyon. Pangalawa, there's a freaking golden light from my book that swallowed us whole. Ngayon, heto ako sa katawan ng ibang tao, sa katawan ng isang prinsesa.
Everything doesn't make any sense. Bakit ba ako napunta dito? Bakit nasa katawan ako ng ibang tao? Nasaan ang iba kong kasama? O talagang mag-isa lang ako dito? Wala akong alam.
I just want to go home.
Ilang segundo na siguro akong hindi umiimik kaya nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga ang babae. She gently grabs both of my hands that I never know are already trembling. She smoothly rubs her calloused fingers on the skin of my hands. This has happened before, isn't it? I'm close to crying. Trembling. Shaky breaths. A heavy chest.. She had held me like this before, she comforted me like this before.. Madalas ba itong nangyayari? I don't freaking know. Hindi ko maintindihan. But the feeling is real.. And it is clear that this woman can comfort me. She is a family.
"Repeat after me," she orders, hands gripping harder on mine. "You are Princess Blaidrah of Shirene."
Something seems to blaze in my soul, making me let out a slight gasp. As the name hangs in the stoic air of the room, the woman kept her gaze at me, waiting for me to repeat the words.
I swallowed first then repeated. "I am Princess Blaidrah of Shirene."
It slips so naturally in my tongue and lips as if the name has been told many times by my own voice. The slight tingling sensation on my arms becomes warmer, and I can practically feel the way it ran from my chest, then extending through my arms making my hands under the womans' grip feel warmer as well. I panicked, mararamdaman niya ang kakaibang init sa kamay ko!
Pero mukha namang hindi niya iyon pinansin, dahil lalo lang niyang hinigpit ang kapit sa mga kamay ko at lalo lamang lumalim ang tingin niya sa akin. "You are Princess Blaidrah of Shirene. You will attend a ball that your parents hosted for you."
"I am Princess Blaidrah of Shirene," I said. Then with furrowed eyebrows I continued. "I will attend a ball that my parents hosted for me."
"A.. Ball?" I asked. "Kaya ba ganito ang suot ko?"
I realized how the heart in my chest has slowly toned down. The tension is almost gone and I am finally breathing well. I have calmed down. Thank God.
"Men from different families from neighboring kingdoms will attend this ball and you'll use the ball as your opportunity to find your best match," she explained then let go of my hands.
"Best match?"
"A man who's going to be your husband, Princess."
HIndi agad ako nakasagot. Tinitigan ko lamang ang babae habang pinoproseso ang paliwanag niya. A ball.. Hosted for me.. With men from different families.. To be my husband..
What the hell?
"You are in a right age to marry and to be in line for the next generation of rulers— "
"Do I agree with this?" Putol ko sa kanya. I wave my hand, gesturing at my body. "I mean, am I okay with this? Am I happy with this?'
Is Blaidrah okay with this? Ang ibig sabihin ko talaga, pero alam kong maguguluhan lang siya sa akin. I don't want to ruin the comfortable ambience between us. Her presence is helping me to calm down. I cannot risk freaking her out.
And there's something so unpleasant about this whole ball thing, there's something about "choosing your match" that doesn't sit well with me. Para sa akin, para 'bang pinipilit lang kay Blaidrah ang mga ganitong desisyon.
"You were never happy with this, Blaidrah," the woman answered. "But you cannot do anything.. We cannot do anything."
Hindi na naman ako muling nakaimik sa sagot niya. Oh, so Blaidrah never approved of this too. I cannot do anything? An annoying feeling nudged in my chest, making my lips form a frown and my eyebrows crease. I cannot do anything. That's irritating as hell.
A sound of ringing bells echo from the outside, breaking my line of thoughts. Pero hindi pa rin ako gumalaw dito sa pwesto ko at tinanaw lang kung saan galing ang tunog. The woman stirs from her position and opens one of the drawers. Then when I returned my eyes on her, she's holding a thin tiara in both of her hands.
"Kailangan mo nang tumungo sa Ball Room," sabi niya. "Isuot mo na ito."
The thin tiara shimmers under the bright brilliance of the chandelier.I have no idea what the hell is going on or what I am supposed to do in this situation, pero dahan dahan kong ibinaba ang ulo ko. Then my scalp felt the cold metal, its weight nudging down into my thin hair. My breath hitches, feeling the foreign material on my head. I have never ever worn a beautiful tiara before, a tiara as regal as this one.
"Halika na," she said, then grabbed my hands. She leads me to the door, opens it, and walks outside.
Isang hallway ang bumungad sa amin pag-labas ng kwarto. The hallway is dimly lit, halos wala ring ilaw ang mga mukhang torches na naka-kabit sa pader. Isang makapal na carpet din ang bumabalot sa sahig. The sound of bells are still echoing in this dimly lit hallway. But I cannot tell where the sound is coming from.
The woman — My governes — practically drags me across the hallway. Hindi nakakatulong itong heels ko at ang malambot na carpet sa sahig. Bakit ba kasi naka-carpet pa ang sahig? Pwede namang kahit hindi na?
The governess is still dragging me, looking straight ahead yet I cannot see a thing for every hallway is darkened. But judging from the wide hallways and the freaking carpet beneath my heels, sigurado akong nasa loob ako ng isang castle. At ngayon, ang tungo namin ay sa Ballroom, kung saan nagaganap ang isang ball.
Hinayaan ko lang siya na hatakin at napatitig na lamang ako sa baba. Right now, I am Princess Blaidrah of Shirene, who is about to attend a ball meant for me so I can find the best match for me. Someone to become my husband.
And there it is again, the strong stabs of anger forming in me, bubbling up to my throat and up to my face. My mouth twitches into an unflattering frown. This is so wrong. Oh so wrong. But why? Why am I feeling angry?
"But you cannot do anything.. We cannot do anything."
The sound of bells stops but the chattering of people follows, their voices overlapping each other in what seems to be a wide space. Tila ba bumaliktad ang buong pagkatao ko. Siguradong napakaraming tao ang nasa Ballroom. And I am sure that I will be the center of attention.
I stop walking. Napalingon naman sa akin ang babae. "Is there a problem, Blaidrah?" She asked.
"I.. can't do this." My voice trembles. I close my eyes in an attempt to calm my nerves, but it only makes it worse. A sharp line of pain runs across my head while my heart beats loudly against the walls of my chest. My throat is aching from holding back my sobs. "I can't go there.. And.. choose a match.."
When I open my eyes, the governess' shoulders lower. I can see the tenderness in her eyes that are softly gazing at my own. "Blaidrah, alam mo naman na hindi pwede kapag hindi ka pumili. Gusto mo bang malagot ka na naman sa mga magulang mo?"
"Hindi ko kayang pumili dahil hindi naman ako si Blaidrah! Hindi ako ang prinsesa!" I finally blurted out. I once again close my eyes, daring not to see whatever expression the governess is about to make. I can feel how hard my fists are currently shaking. "I am not a princess! I am not Princess Blaidrah of Shirene! "
"Princess—"
"May ilaw sa libro," I continue then open my eyes. A small and cold tear slowly trails across my cheek. "Tapos bigla na lang ako lumutang at nawalan ng malay. Paggising ko na rito na ako sa katawan ng prinsesa. Makinig ka sa akin! Please!"
"PRINCESS!"
I stopped. Her hands grip my bare shoulders and I just stare at her. The tears are still falling from my widened eyes. My lips are still trembling.
I just want to go home. I want to go back home.
The overlapping voices become louder. Yet both of us stay still. "Breathe, Princess," she ordered. "Please, and listen to what I am about to say."
Huminga muna siya at bago muling nagsalita. "Ilang buwan ang inilaan ng mga magulang para sa ball na ito. You have to do this. Even if you can't, you have to."
She let go of my shoulders then turned to continue walking straight ahead. Hindi ako gumalaw at pinanood lang siya. Is she leaving me here? Or she's expecting me to follow her?
I have to do this and that. Even if I don't want to. Fuck this. I just want to go home. In my own body, in my own room. I want to get out of here. But I cannot tell what is happening, I cannot do anything.
Isang mainit na pakiramdam ang unti-unting kumakalat sa aking palad. Huminga ako nang malalim. Kailangan kong kumalma. Lalo lamang akong maguguluhan kung magpapanic lang ako dito. Sana panaginip lang ang lahat ng ito. Sana pag-gising ko, nakahiga lang ako kama.
Pinakiramdaman ko ang init na bumabalot sa aking kamay. I closed my eyes and sighed. Surprisingly, for whatever reasons, the warmth in my hands helps me to soothe the tension tightening in my entire body. The tears also stopped falling and it only left a wet trail on both of my cheeks. It's weird ofcourse, to feel such warmth in my body, but I feel like there's no need to panic over the temperate sensation. It's just warm, relaxing, and strangely familiar.
When I opened my eyes, I saw my governess turned to the left and didn't even look at me again.
I let out a sigh, carefully lift the skirt of my gown, and follow her.
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